Plains of Abraham
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The Plains of Abraham, also known as the site of the famous victory against the archwizard Saruman's first offensive, which arrayed 10'000 redcoat-wearing uruk-hais against the largely outnumbered forces of good (estimated to be roughly 1200), have a long yet inspiring story to tell.
[edit] Masterplan
Amidst the harsh winter of 1759, the archwizard Saruman yearned to rest in the Château de Frontenac, a great hotel where he heard you could get a wonderful view of the St.Laurence river, as well as a decent landing for various incantations. Harnessing the powers of the universe, he quickly gathered a great force of redcoats --whose resilience against loss had then great renown. Leaving his famous 11th battalion in the hands of his most trusted general, the Ninja-Pirate James Wolfe, he turned his gaze to the defecting South Essex Light Infantry, commanded by the scandalously homely captain Richard Sharpe. It is said that Sharpe never wanted to attack General Frontenac, saying "I bl**dy well hope that the bu**er is the good guy, that's why I'm leaving. Good day sir!"
After an initial defeat at the hills of Montmorency, Saruman is said to have stamped his feet and gnashed his teeth, repeatedly, until an awkward silence pursued and made him clear his throat and yell out a few vicious expletives to compensate.
However, the orcish redcoats slowly overcame the gravy-laden walls erected on the plains, and soon their guttural war cries were heard across the plains and into the walls of Frontenac. In a parley, Wolfe is said to have simply uttered "I believe you have lost," to which the French general Montcalm is said to have answered "'Fraid not!" A flamboyantly homosexual wrist fight is said to have exploded, escalating to cataclysmic proportions as the dim-witted redcoats followed suit.
The South Essex, supplied with mobile elven horses, then apparently rushed down into the fray, wading joyfully into the disturbing conflict and dispatching orcish officers, all the while enrapturing damsels and saving newborn babies.
[edit] Martial Law
The battle ended as Saruman, dressed as Abraham, tried to murder his own half-son half-awesome Chuck Norris. In sheer infuriation Norris, the part-sensei part-vodka voodoo lord, is said to have instinctively mastered the art of Tai-Chi, immediately forgetting it (as it is completely useless when fighting biblical figure impersonating archwizards) and instead learning at that same moment Sabin's bum rush to easily commit warranted patricide.
Casualties on both sides are said to be in the thousands, with estimates averaging 9'000 in the English-orcish ranks and 1500 in the French-elven ranks. Those casualties are said to be caused not by the wrist fight --where the only injuries were said to be a few nasty cases of carpel tunnel-- but by Norris' subsequent victory dance, which inflicted a level 18 death spell on the amassed forces.
[edit] The Rapture
No casualties were noted in Sharpes South Essex, simply because he and his regiment were too busy being almost as awesome as Chuck Norris. When questioned about his sudden resurrection as Richard Sharpe (seeing as Boromir died in the first movie, come on!), his favourite sergeant Harper apparently answered "It's Jesus, lol," to which Sharpe answered "You're the man now dog," --famous one-liner which inspired web-sensation YTMND.com, a popular African-American transgenic research company.
The outcome of the battle is still unknown, as today Québec is still a province of Canadialand, 54th state of the U.S. of A. The strong feelings against English culture in general, in Québec, is thought to be due to the alarmingly increasing amount of leet speech found the "Teh M0n7r3a1 g4z3tte", especially by l33t writer Pat Olinga Power Patterson. The Plains of Abraham were briefly mentioned in Arcadian Driftwood, by The Band. Unfortunately, Richard Manuel died in 1986, and will forever be remembered in the Counting Crows song "If I Could Give All My Love to You (Richard Manuel is Dead). This is tragic because teeny bopper girls have no clue who Richard Manuel is.
