Plastic surgery
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Plastic Surgery is a highly popular medical procedure first introduced in the early 1900's. The purpose of plastic surgery is to make a person look more attractive (the initial purpose of plastic surgery was to make people look extraordinarily ugly, until the founder suddenly had a realization: "Wait a minute! Maybe I would do more business if I tried to make people look GOOD!"). Plastic surgery began as a procedure for making people more attractive through simple facial alterations (such as preventing embarrassing facial hair growth by removing the skin and replacing it with gorgeous, shimmering cellophane). But nowadays, a person undergoing plastic surgery is killed, and replaced by a life-sized, plastic doll, with absolutely perfect features.
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[edit] Origins
Plastic surgery first came into being in the late 1990's, when cosmetic surgeon and toothpaste company manager Greasy McDuffins was at home, just after having sex with his wife. "She was asleep at the time, I remember it perfectly clearly," says McDuffins, "She was always asleep when we had sex. She would never have had sex with me if she was awake. But anyway, I noticed that she had this mole on her face, and it was just hideous. I couldn't stand to stare at the thing. So I decided to perform a little "improvement" procedure on Clarice. First I cut the mole off, and then I noticed her shin. There was another mole on it. I couldn't have that! So I removed her leg and replaced it with a nice, shiny, hollow plastic tube. Plastic tubes are a hundred times better than legs! Tubes never get hairy! Tubes never get wrinkled and grotesque with age! But then, I looked at the rest of her, and was filled with a crushing dread as I had a major realization: eventually, my wife would get ugly. Her hair would grow white, her teeth would get yellow, and she would probably start to smell. I couldn't bear the thought of a wife who was anything less than a sex goddess. So I killed Clarice, and threw her in a nearby river, and ran out and bought a Barbie and named IT Clarice. It was genius!" McDuffins was convinced that his new surgery method was the way of the future, and was confident that he could commercialize it and turn it into big money. "Sure, God may have made the human race in his image, but obviously God was one flawed, ugly, imperfect bastard. THIS generation's gonna be made in the image of Angelina Jolie!" he said ambitiously as he strode out of his mansion (frightening several passersby).
[edit] Early success
McDuffins, being the wise businessman that he was, immediately targeted the age group most likely to want to have their appearances artificially improved: high school girls. "I set up a little roadside stand, right next to where the school bus dropped them off," says McDuffins reminisciently, "And I immediately started doing business. You see, the surgical procedure is very simple, I just kill the girl in a somewhat painless (depending on how much she paid me) way, dispose of her body appropriately, then make a life-sized plastic doll to take her place. Because the doll is made of plastic, it isn't hampered by the tiresome qualities that human beings are, such as needing to walk and balance properly, so I can make the legs so skinny that, on a human, they'd snap instantly. But on a doll, they work fine, which is why it's so advantageous to have yourself converted into a doll. You can be so beautiful, you are a scientific impossibility. And don't even get me STARTED on boob size...I was making dolls with boobs up to 20 feet in diameter at times! Of course, I made the dolls out of the least biodegradable plastic I could find, to ensure that the dolls would NEVER, EVER get ugly. The high school girls just loved them! Everybody was paying me to kill them, and replace them with a plastic doll!" After a doll was made of a girl, a nametag with her name on it would be stamped somewhere on her body, usually either on her ass or on one of her boobs (to emphasize her glorious new figure), and she would be carried back to class.
None of the teachers at the local high school minded that much. "I mean, sure, the dolls never talk in class, and hell, they're awful students...but just look at the thighs!" said a male teacher in an interview at the time. When asked if any of his female students were still humans, the teacher replied, "Oh yeah, I had one, but I kicked her out of class, just because she was so...ugly. I mean, she had split ends! COME ON!!!"
[edit] Plastic Surgery becomes a national phenomenon
Soon, parents began to hear about the plastic surgery craze that had been spreading through local high schools. "Yeah, I remember that day distinctly," says Nigel Finkle, an old man whose daughter and wife both had themselves turned into plastic dolls, "The schoolbus stopped at our house, and the driver kind of...rolled this plastic doll down the stairs. It was our daughter, I guess. My wife thought it was so exciting. She ran off immediately to have it done to herself. I thought of stopping her, but then I thought of how great the sex would be, and decided to help pay for the operation." As more and more mothers started undergoing the procedure, it began to gain national noteriety. In 1998, McDuffins took his life savings and opened up a multi-story complex devoted to giving people plastic surgeries. He then launched a national advertisement campaign, under such slogans as "NEVER GET WRINKLED WITH AGE!!!" "NEVER WORRY ABOUT ACNE, EVER EVER EVER AGAIN!!!!" "BE PERFECT!!!! BE FLAWLESS!!! YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THE INCONVENIANCES OF BEING A LIVING CREATURE AGAIN!!!" and "COTTAGE CHEESE!!! COTTAGE CHEESE!!! PORTFOLIO!!!" (the last slogan was believed to have been a typo).
Soon, plastic surgery clinics had opened up all over the nation. By the end of the 1990's, thousands of upper-class American women with blemishes, birthmarks, and other such imperfections had had themselves killed and replaced with plastic dolls. "It does my heart good to see so many women looking to find their inner beauty," said one doctor in an interview, before heading into his office and arranging the deaths of 60 young women.
[edit] Dr. 90210
In early 2001, a popular plastic surgeon in the Hollywood area decided that plastic surgery wasn't getting nearly enough publicity. "There are millions of perfectly hideous women out there, living what they think are perfectly normal, happy lives!" said the surgeon, "The media must bring much more attention to plastic surgery if these unfortunate women are to ever learn of their own tragic flaws. How else will they achieve perfection? That's why I'm hoping to start a new reality TV show, in order to educate the girls of America that it's not okay to be different, and it's not okay to have any physical flaws, no matter how minor they seem."
The surgeon got his wish. Later that same year, E! network (an American channel on television dedicated to Hollywood and pop culture, not to be confused with B!, a channel devoted to yodeling and oil wrestling) aired the first episode of a brand new reality show, called "Dr. 90210," which documented the plastic surgeries performed at a Hollywood hospital. The show immediately became a major success. In order to further his message, the plastic surgeon in the show made sure to never turn down a potential patient, no matter how minuscule her so-called flaws were. In one notable episode, a woman walks into his office and complains about a coffee stain on her dress, and he immediately kills her and replaces her with a plastic doll. The show had a profound effect on many American females. "I had no idea anything was wrong with me until I saw that show," said 14 year old Glinda Carmicheal as she walked into a plastic surgeon's office, "But now I know how truly unnacceptable this ingrown toenail really is."
[edit] The stain controversy
The plastic surgery industry came under heavy fire in 2005 when Mr. Wallace Keddleton of Lobotomy, Wisconson sued a plastic surgeon when he discovered a coffee stain on his newly plasticized wife. In a court case that lasted several months, Wallace argued that his wife had gone to a plastic surgeon in order to make herself physically perfect, and that the coffee stain on her ankle was just as bad as the chubby thighs she had gotten herself killed for in the first place. However, Wallace reached a settlement with the plastic surgeon when the surgeon agreed to make a replacement doll for him. "When I saw that brand new, glistening, stain-free doll with "Denise Keddleton" stamped on it, I fell in love with my wife all over again!" said Wallace, as he walked out of the court, tears streaming down his face.
