Plato
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“Why did I teach that slacker?”
~ Socrates on Plato
“Plato is boring”
~ Nietzsche on Plato
“Plato isn't a planet!!”
~ A confused ignorant on Plato.
“For imaginative play and easy clean-up, Plato is the perfect toy.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Plato
“Plato invented the plate”
~ Red Dwarf on Plato
Plato (born 2000 B.C.E. died 2200 B.C.E.), whose name means "the Squat One," was a homeless derelict in ancient Greece and Jar of Sweet Pickle who talked to himself all the time (which he called "dialoging"). He originally used to startle wild hogs, but then gained a sort of cult following amongst other homeless nuts, and his crazy ideas spread across Greece. True to the spirit of the homeless he cultivated a sizeable beard and was always seen wearing his trademark bed sheets and sandels; to knowledge what hair was to Samson's strength. Unfortunately on account of his face he was not allowed admission into the School of Philosophy. Plato also wrote a number of books during his life, including Das Kapital, The Odyssey and 1001 Monster Bogey Jokes For Kids. When not busy on a new blockbusting rollercoaster thrill-ride of literary genius, he liked to keep his creative motors running by writing angry letters to Reader's Digest and doing wordsearches. He invented the chair, which he used as a metaphoric mnemonic device to teach about his crazy rantings about "invisible forms" and his other dillusions (he may have been a user of hallucinogens). This crazy idea of "invisible forms" can be ovserved in The Matrix if you happen to be on whatever Plato was on.
It is suspected by many that the John Carpenter's film They Live to be a docudrama about Plato's cult (under the fictitious name "Hoffman").
Plato's mummified body is now stored in the British Museum (which many claim is a dead ringer for Joe Gould).
His brothers, Playdoe and Ohboe are much more well known, and frankly they are more fun. He was friends with numerologist, Pythagoras. He had a dog named Pluto.
Plato was both a heavy thinker and a heavy drinker, with his consumption at its peak regularly reaching almost half a crate of whiskey (but not whisky) every day.
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[edit] Was Plato Moses?
For a long time it has been preposed (especially by Church historian Eusebius) that the founder of Judaism, Moses, was actually Plato, and that he invented the Jews through a rigorus campaign of social hygene (eliminating selfish people), physical hygene (eliminating selfish cells) and careful inter-breeding with the best of all human races, creating the "Chosen People", or "Everyman".
This theory is based on Plato's and Moses' shared hatred of idolatry (thinking about dead people, sex, food, and anything relevant) and worship of an imperceivable entity like Zeus, Jehovah, or Jimbo Wales.
If true, then he may have also had a Nubian wife, Ala: Thomas Jefferson (which would disspel horrible rumors concerning Homosexuality, which where spread by his enemies; Aristotle and his friend Epicurus anyway).
His alleged fondness for wordsearches may also be a clue, since this resembles the recent Bible Code phenomenon, which shows hidden codes in the Torah, authored by Moses. Similarly, the presence of the Book of Numbers may also be a clue, since Plato was friends with Pythagoras, who invented numerology (the Bible Code also relies on a numeric skip code).
[edit] Was Plato Zorro?
If Plato is already to be thought of as Moses, then he may just as well be Zorro (who founded Zoroastrianism, and worshiped a similarly dissengenuous entity he called Mazda). Since many Biblical skeptics claim Zorro is older then Moses, it may be possible that this would account his young appearance (was Zorro a young Moses?), he doned a mask and a hat and a sword to defend Persia from Hindu Thuggies, ultimately immancipating them from the evil pagans (many have noted similarities between Hinduism and Egyptian religions as well, with Brahma-Ra, the creator, Devi-Isis, the preserver, and Shiva-Horus, the destroyer, as worshiped by Aleister Crowley, Vishnu is not in the Egyptian trinity, and is probably just a friend, all of this is yet another proof of the synonimity between Moses and Zoro).
[edit] Was Plato Joe Gould?
In New York, there was an eccentric man named Joe Gould who set out to create An Oral History of the World, but never came down to it. His body was never found, but he resembles the appearance of the body at the British Museum, suggesting that Joe Gould may have in fact been Plato (Just for the record, this was the only time Plato's body was found, and he was only known when listening to Socrates, he was old by then, if we are to believe all of these theories, then this would Plato thousands of years old, suggesting that he may be none-other then Enoch himself).
[edit] Was Plato Plato?
Many have argued that the man we call Plato is not actually Plato, but an imperfect "image" of Plato, while the real Plato is the eternal form of Plato, existing as a real abstract. It can be countered that the form of Plato is what we're actually referring to by "Plato", and Aristotle suggested that the supposed imperfect image of Plato was in fact the form of Plato at the same time. Still others--we can't be bothered to look up who--have argued that the man, Plato, was not even an imperfect image of Plato, but the work of artisans by way of an automaton, in which case the "man" Plato is an imperfect image of an imperfect image of Plato, where the imperfect image of Plato maybe have been kidnapped as a child and chained up in a dark cave for the rest of his life. This question may be settled by rolling dice.
[edit] Love Life
It was believed that Plato and student Aristotle were more than just friends, following the explicit written statement by Aristotle which leads to the writing in one of Plato's many books that he wrote while musing over lost love (however, it must be noted that Aristotle was 1: Amoral, and 2: Disliked his teacher immensely). The only man who made an unsuccessful pass at Plato was Alcibiades, one of the handsomest young men in Athens. After Alcibiades led the successful invasion of Syracuse during the Pelopponessian War, he returned home in victory to Athens. Plato invited him to join their friends at a drunken orgy. He related the events in his dialogue The Symposium. After dinner, when everyone was gone and plastered, Alcibiades made his move. To his surprise, Plato, who was quite ugly (he refused to have his nose done, like his hero Barbra Streisand), rejected Alcy. Alcibiades, his feelings wounded and hurt, then went after Jack Kennedy, who said, "Well, I've had every maiden in Greece; time to try one of the boys. I don't think I'll go for Christina Onassis, coz his dick's kinda small, so lemme try this Alcibiades. I always had a soft spot for Navy men---Remember the PT 109."
[edit] Creator of Disney
In 835 B.C. Plato had an extensive affair with Regis Philbin, even though Philbin was not a human like Plato. When Plato’s father heard of this he demanded that the two stop seeing each other immediately. “But I love him daddy!” Plato exclaimed.
This is the famous love affair that inspired the Disney movie The Little Mermaid. Although, the story of Plato’s romantic life has inspired dozens of other Disney movies such as:
- The Lion King
- Bambie
- Mulan
- Peter Pan
- The Lady and the Tramp
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
- Aladin
- Alice in Wonderland
It would be entirely fair to say that, together, Plato and Regis Philbin created Disney. It should also be noted that Plato often appears in Disney cartoons in the form of a yellow dog.
[edit] Astronomical status of Plato
Due to his squat wrestling stance, for several decades Plato was considered to be the outermost planet in our Solar System (although his orbit occasionally crosses that of Neptune). However, in 2006 the International Olympic Committee "demoted" Plato from planet to Greek philosopher. The general public has responded ambivalently to the shift in nomenclature, and the ramifactions to modern astrology are still being discussed; the largest and most dire consequence being the fact that now "My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nachos" as opposed to "Nine Pizzas", the pizzas being clearly the greater of the two dishes. This has enraged hundreds of prevalent astronomers, over 80% of which are allergic to nachos.and ate play do,.
| Preceded by: Socrates | Prime Minister of Heaven 400BC-32AD | Succeeded by: Jesus |
[edit] Bibliography
The following is the traditional, standard Platonic canon, in chronological order, which is partially based on a sometimes clear, sometimes ambiguous continuing series of stories about the adventures of Socrates:
- U2fro, as a child attending a festival, Socrates, whose parents have connections and thus backstage passes, asks Bono about his new hairstyle.
- Frito, a teenaged Socrates asks Gonzales, "What are corn chips?"
- Phaedo, a young adult Socrates buys a poodle, then a wife, Xanthippe.
- Cryptalus, Socrates uses a crypt-key to open graves and bestow names on their rigid occupants, claiming that this will cause them to not be described as zombies.
- Theatetus, Socrates goes to see Rent with Xanthippe’s sister.
- Soapist, Noticing a peculiar smell, Socrates asks Theodorus, a visitor to his home, "What is bathing?", after which Socrates experiments with the new technique.
- Statesman, Socrates takes a "business trip" to Florida with Xanthippe's sister.
- Parcheesy, In the hole after some ill-advised bets, Socrates tries to roll a die in a Swiss tribal casino in Florida and wonders why he can't move.
- Philthistittus, Socrates pursues "What is sex?" with Pedocles, who is taking his father to court because he received oral favors from a servant.
- Orenthalas, Socrates queries Marcius about the effect of ill-fitting gloves on justice. (This book’s authenticity has been frequently called into question, but commonalities between it and the following book, the Simpsonium, which is accepted as authentic, provide enough of a support to include it here.)
- Simpsonium, Socrates heads to Springfield with Meno and Callicles to break into a hotel room and retrieve Socratic memorabilia.
- Phaedrus, Socrates investigates "What is motorcycle maintenance?" with Pirsigan.
- Archibunker, Socrates calls Reinus "Meathead" and kicks an Egyptian out of his house.
- Second Baldies, Socrates grills Sysperlingus because his hair-loss product, after working briefly, makes not only all of Socrates hair fall out, but all of Xanthippe's hair as well.
- Hipparchus, Socrates goes on safari in Kenya.
- Rival Lovers, Xanthippe and her sister get into a catfight. Oddly, Plato joins the fray near the end.
- Theages, Socrates calls Hegel's Philosophy of History "balderdash", then marks up a number of nearby workers when he flips Hegel onto his head.
- Chlamydiae, Socrates also gets into a fight with Xanthippe's sister, and later Plato.
- Leeches, Socrates travels up the Amazon in search of the definition of "impiety".
- Lysol, Xanthippe sprays Socrates with deodorizer after he returns home from the Amazon with a definition of "impiety", which Socrates subsequently throws out.
- Youthydemos, Socrates briefly tries a career as a hip-hop artist, Formy-G.
- Protogoreus, After the hip-hop career goes bust, Socrates writes a horror novel.
- Georgias, Socrates travels to Atlanta to chop down a cherry tree but misses and smacks himself in the face with the butt of the axe. A doctor is able to give him wooden dentures, but says there's nothing he can do about the nose. On the way home, he pays 25 cents for admission to a floating brothel on the Potomac, where he spends the next 20 years.
- Memo, while on the Potomac, Socrates writes to Xanthippe telling her that she should go ahead and have dinner without him.
- Greater Hippias, Socrates returns to Kenya and bags a beast that gets him into the Guinness Book of World Records.
- Lesser Hippias, On an ego-boosting high, Socrates decides to try his luck in Nigeria, but ends up broke when he invests $10,000 to help a widow retrieve a claimed 5 billion dollar inheritance in a Nigerian bank.
- Lion, Socrates hitches a plane ride from Nigeria to South Africa. He's dropped off near Kruger National Park. Woozy from a lack of food, he queries a lion whether madness is the opposite of wisdom. Surprisingly, the lion gives the best answers he’s received yet.
- Menexanus, Socrates stumbles into an all female Bantu tribe, which makes him their sex-slave. Thus begins a years-long orgy, which results in temporary bouts of enlightenment. Socrates ends up claiming that “desires for physical contact should not be restrained less they subvert the greater good”.
- Clitophone, the orgy continues, ending with Socrates, now delirious, attempting to build a bizarre, Cronenbergian device out of human bodies, an old phonograph and Reese’s Pieces so that he can “phone home” to let Xanthippe know he’ll be home for dinner.
- Timlearus, back in Athens, Megillus has discovered LSD. Socrates asks him, “What is that pink polka-dotted thingamajig that’s melting off your face?”
- Crimias, Socrates challenges Clydias’ claim that it is not in one’s best interests to be a bank robber.
- Mino’s, Socrates orders a large pie with extra cheese and pepperoni.
- Flaws, an anonymous Athenian summarizes Plato's philosophy for 300 pages before Socrates shoots him.
- Eponymous, Socrates names himself in the biggest bank heist in Athenian history.
- Letters, Now in jail, Socrates asks fellow inmate Bigbirdicon "What is the alphabet?"
- Definitions, Socrates combines what he learned from Bigbirdicon into text strings that he matches up with words.
- On Justice, Socrates’ uncle Bob pulls a favor with a judge and bribes five corrections officers so that Socrates can be released from prison.
- On Virtue, Socrates pays for the Potomac brothel and the Bantu tribe to be shipped to Athens to live with him, Xanthippe, and Xanthippe’s sister.
- Demodoofus, After hearing Ideamantus’ theories of democracy, Socrates asks him, “Who is an idiot?”
- Syphilis, Socrates grows a bushy moustache, dons a Superman outfit, and goes on long rants about why he is so wise, why he is so clever, why he writes so well, etc.
- Halcyon, Socrates waxes nostalgic about Phaedo and Fritos.
- Earacheus, Socrates gets a bad sinus infection.
- Antiochus, Socrates imbibes in what’s believed to be the first Turkey dinner for a Westerner, as he examines “What is giving thanks?” with Novemberon. Although they never reach a definite answer, they decide that it has something to do with watching football.
- Epigrams, Plato discusses Socrates long moonlighting career as a tattoo artist, which he had forgotten to mention. We learn of Socrates’ reputation for putting odd puns into his work.
- The Democratic-Republic, Glaucoman argues for ten chapters that George W. Bush is the form of a philosopher king before Socrates finally cracks and drinks hemlock.
- Apology, Plato apologizes for writing The Democratic-Republic, before launching into a belabored apology for his entire corpus.
- Footnotes, Socrates asks Aristotle, Plotinus, Descartes, Kant, Whitehead and tens of others "What is philosophy?" (The authenticity of this is also questioned, especially since it takes place after Socrates’ death, but many blame the doubt on on a conspiracy started by Hume one night on a beer rage.)
The following are works attributed to Plato through the scholarship of the Weekly World News. These are well-confirmed additions to the standard canon, but are kept separate by tradition, much like the Dead Sea Scrolls. Plus it requires that students have to buy at least two collections rather than one huge one:
- The Baeano, in which Socrates is accused of menacing some Softies
- The Paedo, in which Socrates defends his life of child molestation
- The Graedo, in which Socrates discusses the finer points of the Star Wars canon
- Das Kapital (Allowed Karl Marx to take credit under the pleading of his older brother Benjamin Franklin)
- Townships and Neighboring Islands
- The Odyssey (Homer Simpson stole it while blind).
- 1001 Monster Bogey Jokes For Kids
(Alleged but Uncomfirmed Writtings)
- The Torah (under the Alias "Moses")
- Principia Discordia (In collaboration with Walter Benjamin.)
- Zend Avesta (Under the Alias "Zorro")
- Secrets Known Only to the Inner Elites (Given to modern-day disciple Lyndon LaRouche).
(Unpublished)
- An Oral History of the World
[edit] See also
Freaks and Greeks
| Greek: | Greek gods - Greek mythology - Greek language - Greek Empire - Greek War of Independence (video game) - Byzantine Empire (mostly Greek) |
| Greeks: | Socrates - Plato - Aristotle - Alexander the Great - Idiocrates - Mediocrates - Hypocrites - Homer - Euripides - Euclid - Archimedes - Pythagoras - Sophocles - Zorba The Greek - Pericles |
| Gods: | Zeus - Poseidon - Aphrodite - Chaos - Chronos - Hermaphrodite - Athena - Hades |
| Titans: | Prometheus |
| Greece: | Ancient Greece - Athens - Sparta - Rhodes - Thermopylae - Delphi - Geece |
| Greecey Food: | Olives - Olive Oil - Wheat - Darth Feta - Ouzo |
| Greek Ingenuity: | Comedy - Tragedy - Philosophy - Sodomy - Olympic Games |
| Greek Speak: | The Aeneid - The Iliad - The Odyssey - The Destiniad - Oedipus the King |
| Assorted Greek: | UnNews:Greek Prime Minister target by perv |
