Plymouth
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| Population | 246,100 (Tramps Included) |
| What Janners (people from Plymouth) do | Wonder around the bottom of town (frankfurt Way) eating there favorite food (Pasties). |
| Time zone | Somewhere in 1932 |
| County | Devon |
| Website | http://www.plymouth.gov.uk/ |
| Post town Postcode Dialling | Plymouth PL1-9 01752 |
"Plymouth" (pronounced "Plimuff", sometimes suffixed with 'init') is a city invented in the year 1300 by Sir Francis Drake, and has been used for many purposes, such as creating America, Nazi target practise, and is a portal into the 16th Century in several areas. The city is notably known for being shaped like a ship, and the architecture reflects this, with notable failures such as Drake Circus & the Western Morning News building being shaped like ships themselves.
It's a common misconception that Plymouth was formed so that the Government of the United Kingdom could ship all of the UK's Scum to one location. Although to the casual visitor this may appear to be the case, they are mistaken... it's easy to confuse Plymouth and Rhyl.
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[edit] History
Plymouth was Discovered in the year 1352 by pilgrims on the Mayflower.
In 1588, Sir Francis Drake was playing marbles on Plymouth Hoe when the Spanish Armada was spotted in the English Channel. Commanding the Armada was Seve Ballesteros de Loutherbourg, the feared international golfer, his ships armed with cheap Spanish souvenirs, stuffed donkeys, tacky sombreros and lethal paella all destined for British shores. Drake, keeping his cool, sailed after them, sinking the majority of the fleet and chasing the rest away before returning to Plymouth for a slap-up meal at Cap'n Jaspers, personally opting for "Jasperizer" [1].
Since this time, the city has been used as a trading port, a way out of England, and was used on several occasions by the Luftwaffe, where Hitler and Göring had a competition, similar to the modern game of Darts, only using bombs.
“I'm a little rusty at this game, I shall try and bomb this place before I go for London”
~ Adolf Hitleron Plymouth in WWII
Plymouth, due to the large amount of French in the area, did indeed surrender to Nazi Germany in 1943. Heinrich Himmler, the first German to walk on Plymouthian soil after the surrender (Hitler was busy), immediately started the process of making Plymouth German, adding Bierhalls, Efficiency and a Civic Centre. The great cultural centre, Union street was also renamed as the original name confused the German invaders. It was renamed to the much more fitting "Tittentasterstaße" or "Tittenstraße" for short.
The modern Plymouth is however very different, holding several world landmarks, such as the village of Swilly, Port of Plymouth public toilets, and the headquarters of a Special Organisation, disguised as a civic centre. The area is also home of Pröjekt Répoßitønier, which is a massive project in which Drake Circus shopping centre will set sail from Plymouth to America, destroying Plymouth in the process... a plan for redeveloping the city centre.
In 2003, the city of Plymouth was purchased by Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French for a whopping £352.22. Swilly was thrown in for free. Dawn, a native of the city, is planning extensive redevelopment of Armada Way and Plymouth Hoe to include a long line of Fast Food outlets, a skate park, model village and a permanent Bouncy Castle (in the form of Dawn in her Vicar of Dibly outfit). Jennifer thinks Plymouth is a hole and never visits her investment.
In 2005, the Mayor of Plymouth, Paul Skinback, issued a formal apology to the world for Plymouth's role in the formation of the United States of America. He stated that if his predecessor had realised what a bunch of fuckers the USA would become, he'd never have allowed the Mayflower to sail to the New World and would have had it sunk in Plymouth Sound while the crew and passengers were paraded on BBC Spotlight.
Plymouth, used for nuclear testing in the 60s
[edit] Population & Habitat
“It's not a place for an Aesthete like me to be”
Plymouth is populated by a variety of wildlife, from Homo Erectus Initus (English : The Common Chav), Homo Erectus Interes Bredus (English: The Common Janner) and the occasional Homo Sapien Imperialus (English: The Common Englishman). The variety of people produces the perfect conditions to interbreed even though this has been known to create dangerous hybrids, a condition also commonplace in Cornwall.
Where do you live to? A cry often heard in the streets of Plymouth. Honicknowle, Whiteleigh, Southway, North Prospect (Swilly) and Devonport are all desirable areas to live in the city offering exotic and luxury housing for those on a budget. For the more aspirational Janner the only place to live is Woolwell or Manadon, Janner cities in their own right with their housing being decorated in various shades of Magnolia, guaranteed to be fitted throughout with cheap laminate ‘pseudo wood’ flooring, a variety of cars (all on HP, all with halogen headlamps and adorned with England flags) parked on the driveways and lovingly polished on a Sunday afternoon. The minority population of Englishmen in Plymouth can generally be found in the leafy suburb of Exeter.
The typical Plymouth family unit is not unique just to the city and follows a general national pattern. It normally consists of a mother (called Shaz, Trace, Kelly or Shell and generally under the age of 16). Each mother has between two to four kids. Boys are named Wayne, Shane, Ashley, Ryan or Tyler and for the girls: Ashleigh, Courtney, Chelsie, Keeley or Paige. Fathers are normally absent because they are either in a young offenders institute for stealing White Lightning from PlymCo or each kid has a different father and it’s a physical impossibility to get them all in the house at the same time. In Honicknowle and Whitleigh it is compulsory for kids under the age of ten to have ASBOs.
Luxury Honicknowle Housing
[edit] Industry
Plymouth is famous around the world for its Industry. The city is known for its triumphs in engineering, building many ships such as HMS Admiralty, HMS Ocean, KM Bismarck (Plymouth DML won the contract from the Kriegsmarine, despite strong competition from the towns of Wilhelmshaven and Hamburg in 1935 to produce Bismarck and Tirpitz, despite the fact that by the end of it's completion, the ship was being built for the enemy, the construction continued as planned) and many more. The area now also has a naval museum some of the famous ships it has built and repaired in the past (notably HMS Courageous and the rotting hull of the KM Graff Zepplin) It is of course also famous for building the Plymouth auto mobile, which was sent to America in the hull of the mayflower.
Unknown to most people, Plymouth is the main producer of the little red boxes used in Deal Or No Deal as well as being the sole producer of cotton gussets for Emma Bunton's panties.
Plymouth is also proud of it's Maritime Industry. 60% of the UK's Class A's are imported through Plymouth [2]. As well as this there is also a roaring trade in illegal immigrants coming into Millbay slung under lorries. Anything goes in Millbay....
[edit] Activities in Plymouth
There are a verity of activities in the city of Plymouth, and the City rivals Las Vegas, Amsterdam and Legoland Windsor as the greatest "Sin City". Union St. is one of the most cultured areas of England, as well as a top attraction for any of the crews of foreign ships looking for Prostitutes.
There are other fun activities that can be enjoyed from Plymouth, such as "spot the invasion" from Plymouth Hoe, a common game where locals sit with binoculars trying to spot the fast approaching Hostile Battleship, and then attempting to sink it with sailing boats, torpedoes, rocks, tombstoners,submarines, nuclear missiles and bad weather.
If you are staying in Plymouth overnight, why not try out the quaint Jesters club for an evening’s cultured entertainment? With a select clientèle and delightful surroundings you’re sure to be impressed.[3]
If you're really at a loose end you can try visiting Devil's Point after dark for a spot of dogging, Emma Place if you fancy getting wankered on Smack, Stonehouse Street or Oxford Avenue if you're lonely and are looking for the personal touch (£25 without gloves).
Shopping in Plymouth as greatly improved since the redevelopment of Drake Circus. Arcadia, C&A and Lidl have gone and been replaced by Chav world, Poundland & Iceland. For all it's sloping shiny floors, glass roof & very bizarre exterior, Drake Circus proves that you cannot polish a turd.
[edit] Language
Please see the Janner Textbook or this site about the intricacies of the language
[edit] Visiting Plymouth
If you really have to travel to Plymouth there are several ways to get to the city:
- Plymouth is linked to the National Rail Network and offers high speed links to London (in about 3-49 hours), Birmingham (when Virgin are running) and exotic cities such as Exeter and Saltash in the neighbouring country of Cornwall.
- By Sea
- If you're foreign you can sail to Plymouth on Brittany Ferries to the beautiful French metropolis that is Roscoff, or the Spanish Jewel known as Santander. State of the art cruise liners transport you in complete comfort on the calm seas. If the seas are not calm, you are in for a very bumpy ride...
- By Air
- Plymouth International Airport flies to any country you want as long as it's Scotland or Ireland. Cosmopolitan Leeds/Bradford, Gatwick & Manchester are also catered for. Be prepared Air Southwest is a once in a lifetime experience. With their glamorous stewardesses, first-class catering and state of the art aircraft your journey to Plymouth is sure to be something you'll remember for a very long time.
- By Car
- Don't bother! Seriously, don't bother. The M5 is a nightmare and so is the A38. Once you reach Plymouth you'll be swamped in boy-racers wearing white baseball caps, in their Vauxhall Corsa's with big 'zausts', Kenwood stereos, clear plastic rear light assemblies.... windows down pumping out some inane R&B shite. In Plymouth, Penis size is definitely inversely proportional to car size (actually come to think of it, so is Brain size). Most driver's IQ levels is less than the number of wheels on their car, in particular BMW & Ford drivers.
[edit] Famous Plymothians
- Dawn French
- Sharron Davies
- Ben Dover
- Sting's Brother
- Charles Dance
- Fern Britton (Fat bird from 'This Morning')
- Gus Honeybun
- Ian Sterling (twat from TSW who doesn't like being called a TWAT and is also dead, ahhhhh, shame)
- David Owen (Molly's Brother)
- Michael Foot
- Cherie Blair
- Heir Hitler (Adolf's Dad)
- Joss Stone
- Francis Drake
- This Guy
- Sarah Hendy
- Grace Short (That bitch from Big Brother, ye you know the one, the complete bitch)
- Phil 'Kensington On A Horse' Smythe (famed Bertie Basset fucker from Pershore College)
- Richard Swabey Affable tall bloke - true story. Not actually related to Patrick Swayze, as the spelling is different (as the more observant may have realised)
