Pokémon Battles
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“They came out of nowhere and suddenly we were surrounded. We sent out our Pokémon but it was useless. We were slaughtered.”
~ Vietnam Vet on Pokemon battles
“Like cockfights, except sexier.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pokemon battles
Pikachu is just getting raped. A pokémon battle is far more intense!
Pokémon battles are a popular form of entertainment among barbaric people, where the pokémon have to fight each other. It used to be illegal, but was made legal again by Pikachu in 1930 soon after his rise to power. Unfortunately it was so popular that the government refuses to crack down on it. Scroll down to see why people love it.
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[edit] The beginnings
The practice of Pokémon battles began at the mid 19th century, as the creatures were discovered in the far reaches of the South-American Rainforest, they also are believed to have happened at the time of Jesus (who was rumored to have a shoecachoo). This might seem weird today, as the creatures have spread to inhabitating almost all corners of the world. One of the discoverers, Dora the Explorer, saw the potential of the creatures as fighting machines. The magical powers the Pokémon inhabited, along with their immense cuteness, soon made them a hit in Britain, France and the southern parts of the US. The northern states, however, did not care for the treatment of the creatures, who often died of the following injuries. This culminated in the Civil War in 1899, and made the battles outlawed in most parts of the world.
[edit] Mafia involvement
There was still a huge interest for the battles, even though they were no longer legal, and members of the Sicilian mafia saw their chance to make easy money. Pokémon were captured in small hollow globes, called PokéBalls, and brought to shady back rooms of the mafia's headquarters, forced to fight in a way similar to cockfighting.With some bribing at the right places, and killing in others, pokémon battles were once again a huge success. The spectators now, though, was not happy families looking for some weekend entertainment, but instead the outlaw part of society, making profit by betting on the poor creatures, who now had a death rate of 98%. And it would just keep on growing...For Mafia members it is common and customery for weddings to be Pokémon themed. This is were the Groom is dressed as Ash, the bride dressed as Misty, and all the groomsman and bridesmades be dresses as a Pokémon. The Maid of Honor must dress as Togopi and the Best Man to be Pikachu.
[edit] The Micheal Vick Dogfighting Incident
A charming young football enthusiast, no one suspected the Micheal Vick was actually black. Or that he would wind up in the center of one of histories greatest dogfighting scandals. Vick was well known in the dogfighting world, having been nominated into the hall of fame more than any other competitor. Vick however, was caught using Pokemon in these contests, after an FBI sting operation(based on an anonymous tip) raided all 12 of his homes.(the tip was that the homes might be owned by someone famous, and that police should search them for auction-able memorabilia). While taking a break from digging through Vick's closets, the investigators found Vick's "kennel", which was revealed to be a factory in which actual dogs skins were ripped off, and made into suits for Pokemon to wear, allowing Vick to sneak them into dogfighting events without drawing any attention. The public was outraged that Vick would stoop to such low tactics in order to dominate a sport whose target audience consisted of Vick, Vick's friends, and Vice Lord Vader Cheney.
Vick pleaded guilty to all charges, but revealed he was actually an alcoholic, and that he needed the money to buy vodka. He was sent to rehab(instead of the mandatory trillion and seven year jail sentence) where he met his future wife, Lindsey Lohan. The public, outraged that Vick would be unable to afford Vodka, pushed for dogfighting leagues to allow Pokemon in dog skins to participate in contests. This, ironically, made the sport of dogfighting, for the first time in history, an illegal event, but still not considered immoral.
[edit] The Japanese scam
Decades after the pokémon battles resurrected in their current form, the Japanese yakuza was also mixed up with the game, and soon found a new way to exploit it. They contacted a representant of the supposed video game company, Nintendo, and told about the idea. The idea was of a game featuring the pokémon as they were in the first years of their discovery, returned to all their glory in spectacular battles out in the open. Nintendo accepted the idea, and the games became an instant hit, spawning numerous sequels and an animé about the young boy Ash Ketchup and his dickachu, travelling around the world and battling pokémon. People soon forgot all about the horrible truth, and petitioned for pokémon battles to be made legal again. George W. Bush, desperate for more votes, granted their wish, and made pokémon fighting as legal as it was a century earlier. /
[edit] Links
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