Poking people with bits of sharp metal
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“Fencing is in many ways like dancing, except that fencing is harder and you might get stabbed in the face”
~ Oscar Wilde on Fencing vs Dancing
Poking people with bits of sharp metal (known as Fencing in Lithuania and Belfast) is a medieval European martial art, largely a parallel to Kendo - the key difference is that fencers wear white because it makes the blood show up better, whereas Kendo-players wear black because they like to pretend they are in The Matrix.
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[edit] History
No-one knows where fencing comes from; but we can all be sure we know where it's not going: Television. Since the dawn of time, from the moment the first primitive fencers crawled from their caves with stone masks, stone jackets and, well... stone weapons they have longed to conquer the medium of television. The over-lord of Fencing, The Fencing Imperial Emperor or FIE, has longed to use his subliminal messages (cunningly hidden on the masks of fencers) to spread his evil influence. But the fact that fencers are among the most attractive of athletes has thwarted his efforts to get on 'the tube'.
[edit] Weapons
- Fouls are long, bendy and have sharp points. They are derived from ancient Italian dueling chickens.
- Episcopals are similar to fouls but have a larger hand protection matrix.
- Sabotages are like fouls but have a sharp cutting hedge.
The rule in Foul and Sabotage dictate that, if both fencers dismember their opponent simultaneously, whichever one cursed the family of their opponent first should technically win the point, but this is disregarded as of 1992 (see the Scoring section). In Episcopal fencing, if both fencers dismember simultaneously, they both just die.
[edit] Fencers
- Foulests are short and mean and are secretly laughed at by other fencers.
- Episcopalians are tall and sadistic and consider themselves the elite.
- Saboteurs are muscular and angry and have badly spelt tattoos.
A fencer can belong to one of these groups and still be a "classical" fencer, laughed at even more than foulests and often sporting curly facial hair and French accents. A good fencer is supposed to proclaim "Touché!" ("Son-of-a-bitch!" in Estonian) when hit, in order to stop his opponent prodding or cutting him to his untimely death. However, in electrofencing, one is often unable to speak when hit for no known reason.
[edit] Scoring
There are two scoring subsets. The original is deathfencing, while the other is electrofencing (using post-modern electrical equipment).
- In deathfencing, the bout begins with a cry of "En garde!" (lit., "You go, girl!", derived from ancient leet) from the referee, whereupon the two fencers rush at each other, collide, fall over, and appeal to the referee (whilst faking severe internal haemorrhaging). A point is then awarded randomly. Extra points are awarded if one of the fencers can incorporate a forward roll or demonstrate a vocal range of three octaves within the first ten seconds of the bout. If once fencer dies during or shortly after the bout is concluded, he or she wins by default.
- Conversely, in electrofencing, weapons are blunted but heavily electrified to compensate for the lack of pain caused by the removal of sharpness as a weapon criterion. Electric scoring is theoretically controlled by a wire attached to the fencer’s back - this is roughly the same technology used to control George W Bush. According to the official rules, upon being hit the fencer will receive an intense electric shock causing involuntary muscle spasms (this attracted many people seeking a quick cure for constipation to the sport in the early 1700s).
[edit] Referees
To build suspense before randomly awarding the point, fencing referees typically entertain the crowds between bouts, usually by performing amusing little dance manoeuvers in mockery of the fencers' movements. This is considered by many (not including the referees) to be the best part of the duel. There is a uncommon but steadily growing trend in which the referee is given to the winner to be used as a personal slave.
[edit] The outcome of the bout
- The winner (unless dead) is given chocolate and other such treats, being immersed in liquid ether as a sign of humanity's undying respect for him/her. If dead, the winner is incarcerated, exfoliated and defibrillated without hesitation.
- The loser is most often sacrificed to the heathen gods of ancient Pompeii or, in extreme cases, constipated and discarded (this process was picked up from the ancient Pokémon trainers of old).
[edit] The Piste
The fencing bout takes place a long thin strip of finely woven Kashmir wool called a piste - because Fencers generally are, as proscribed by the Federation of Regulatory Edicts and Nocturnal Huddles (FRENCH). According to the regulations, the wool must be shorn within one (1) month of the Kashmir's third birthday and left to dry in the sun for a length of time equal to the time required to explain the plot of Cyrano de Bergerac to an apathetic Buddhist monk at room temperature.
[edit] New York Athletic Club
The New York Athletic Club (NYAC) is run by the elite fencers of the universe. The club is often compared to the Bat Cave, and the Death Star- their rivaling clubs. The club overlord, Jonathan Bartlett, says, "Being a member of the New York Athletic Club is like that time I had a threesome with Jessica Alba and Adriana Lima- It's THAT good!" One member of the NYAC is Soren Thompson. Legend has it that he swam in New Jersey water once, and the pollution and radiation gave him super-human powers. Chuck Norris once planned an attack on the NYAC, but Soren Thompson used his super-human abs to shield himself from Chuck Norris's round-house kick. It shattered Norris's leg, then Soren Thompson parry-reposted the leg, killing Chuck Norris instantly. Another legendary member of the NYAC is Alex Abend. His winning of the 872nd Annual Mixed Lightsaber Tournement at the Death-Star sparked the rivalry between the NYAC and the Death-Star. And then there is always the Clifford Fishler rivalry. After winning the Cadeceus Cup, Clifford Fishler achieved the heavenly septer of the Cadeceus Cup, giving him amazing power. The NYAC then sent out flyers of their tournements coming up, and named Michael Rossi the Cadeceus Cup champion. This outraged Fishler, causing him to make a series of complaints and Facebook groups against this. Michael Rossi bribed Jonathan Bartlett with a box of Special K Fruit and Yogurt- the greatest cereal ever. Alen Hadzic had an easy bracket to get into 3rd place and earned a B2007, after bribing Jonathan Bartlett with more Special K, after Mike Rossi told him (However, he earned his REAL B2007 at Fishkill and the NAC B, but still . . . ). This time, it was the Chocolatey Delight flavor, the REAL best cereal ever! Badasses like the Silver Surfer, Pascale Heidecker, Master Chief, King Leonitas, and Chuck Norris eat it every morning, granting them their omnipotent super powers.
[edit] Fencing's Golden Age
So far such events never existed...................
However, in ancient times Holy prophet Pavel Kolobkov Prophesized a series of events that will unfold which will usher in a new Era of Gold.
Pavel Kolobkov's Holy Prophecy translated by the FIE from the Holy ones sacred language.
1. I Own Noobs 2. I am the f**king best......EVA
[edit] The Greatest Fencer of Them All!
Out of all the fencers on the planet, none can even hope to come close to unrivaled arrogance of the self-proclaimed worlds greatest fencer. This man goes by many alias and pseudonyms to disguise his true identity and motives, his favorite being Kevin Oliver, but sometimes he's Scott Phillips. Scientists believe this obsession with two first names may be the result of some subconscious Oedipal complex and lack of imagination, but what the fuck do scientists know?
Some fun facts of this man include, but are not limited to:
- One of his distinguishing features, so you can tell him apart from the other headstrong assholes, is his abnormally large under-bite. This growth of his jaw has extended approximately 6 inches further than a normal humanoid.
- Due to his intense sinning and shareholding of a Biblical porn website depicting Mary Magdalene and the Virgin Mary, The World's Greatest Fencer now has his soul at stake when he finally dies. But TWGF isn't worried, as his plan to escape Hell involves fencing the Devil for his afterlife, and getting Hell's Doorman high on TWGF's own special herb. If that fails, an elaborate ruse as the Prince of Darkness will be employed, and he will leave under the pretense that Martha Stuart has escaped and trying to out-do him again, and he's going to bring her back.
- TWGF has recently survived a car crash and as a result, had his body partially transformed into hideous cyborg prosthetics which functions as both a life support system and a wireless Internet connection. These run on massive amounts of smoked marijuana to keep him alive, and so he can update his porn site on the fly. This is particularly convenient for him as now he has a legitimate excuse for something he'd be doing anyway.
- It has been reported that TWGF has joined this year's Unreal Tournament in order to prove to those pussies that he can beat a Tactical Nuke Launcher or intergalactic mercenary any day! Heres a pic of him in action:
http://media.pc.ign.com/media/746/746632/img_4858413.html
- TWGF is considered the worst enemy of Israel right after entire Middle East and parts of Canada due to his recent bout with Israel's grand national champion. TWGF lost this bout.
