Polar bear
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The Polar Bear (Ursus vegetarius) is native to the arctic and is the largest and friendliest land mammal in Canada. Like its close cuddly relative the Panda it is classified in the order Carnivora even though it is strictly herbivorous. Due to its popularity in the Coca-Coli commercials it is projected to surpass the panda in cuteness and cuddliness by the year 2012. They can be beaten in a fight if you can find one. For more information, see HowTo:Beat a Polar Bear in a Fight. Polar Bears were once hunted to near extinction by Quakers, but have since made a comeback in population.
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The Truth about Polar Bears
The above is an example of typical polar bear propaganda- blatant lies meant to inspire sympathy and love for the polar bear enemy. In truth, however, polar bears are barbaric and savage creatures, bent on the conquest, enslavement, and eventual consumption of the human race. The polar bear is the only animal ever recorded that actively hunts human beings for food. This, however, does not stem from some primal instinct or bestial hunger, but rather is a testament to the ancient and unshakable hatred between polar bears and humans. The polar bears operate a massive, multi faceted empire of spies, political puppets, ninjas, Jews, killer robots, leopard seals, and Free Masons. They are known to have secretly controlled the Ottoman Empire under the guise of a Jewish-Free Mason conspiracy, as well as the entire Russian continent since time immemorial.
Habitat
Like most vegetarians the Polar Bear is extremely liberal. Therefore it lives in Canada and likes to stay as far away from the United States border as possible. Some bears have been found closer to the US border. These bears are somewhat less liberal and have been observed wearing leather and fur. However, the majority of polar bears are found in the Canadian Arctic Islands. Polar bears can also be found on uncharted tropical islands, especially in the jungle, as is shown in the true TV show Lost. In addition, polar bears are common in Magnesia, where they are central to the festival Pocow.
Once again, note the lies and inaccuracies. Polar bears currently live in the frozen wastes of the Arctic, where they were banished by ancient, proto-humans eons ago in the War of Northern Bear Aggression. There they have slept, and dreamed, and watched, and plotted, but they are no longer content to sleep and dream or watch and plot. Polar bears would like you to believe that they have no interest in the United States- this could not be further from the truth. Ever since the awakening of their queen from her icy slumber in 1945, polar bears have slowly begun to advance south, crossing the border into the state of Canada. However polar bears are crafty and sly foes, and have thus cleverly covered their advance with the myth of global warming. By instigating and perpetuating the lie that their habitat is melting due to human activity, polar bears have been able to cross hundreds of miles of Canadian desert without attracting suspicion.
Diet
Polar bears thrive on the abundant raspberries found in their home range. It has been reported that in bad years the polar bear will sometimes eat other red fruits and will even eat the leaves from their favorite raspberry plant. This is very rare however because of their conversationalist nature. In particularly good years the polar bears will share with baby seals and have even been seen feeding the whales near small holes in the ice. When the whales come up to breathe the polar bear will give them a box of berries. Fresh water is very scarce in the arctic so the polar bear mainly drinks cola and on rare occasions cranberry juice.
Again, note the polar bear lies- berries? Ha! Polar bears are actual strict carnivores, and prefer the taste of human flesh above all other flavors. It is a common superstition among polar bears that by eating the heart of a slain human, a polar bear might gain said person's strength and by devouring his brain, his knowledge. While polar bears prefer human, they are not shy about devouring allies of humans, namely penguins, walruses, and elves. Polar bears also commonly feed on seals- a direct violation of the Geneva Convention's policy of non aggression towards innocent civilians and sealvilians. Much less commonly, polar bear will devour their young, infirm, and old. However, this practice is regulated not so much by a love for fellow polar bears, but rather because such individuals are far more useful as suicide bombers, rather than meals.
Scientific Uses of Polar Bears
Polar Bears dissolve in water, whereas non-polar bears (like the Grizzly Bear) do not. Non-polar bears dissolve in organic solvents such as bleach.
Polar bears help maintain the osmotic balance of the oceans. You may sometimes see a polar bear out of solution, sitting on top of an iceberg or small glacier.
Polar Bears are also able to be melted down in a lame attempt to forge the note of late assignments for high school students. This is a common practice especially in the japanese town of Hirasaki, where Polar bears are non-existent
Polar bears, while utterly and irredeemably evil, are in fact excellent sources of coal. In fact, it is believed that the coal once distributed by Santa Claus was taken from the bodies of slain polar bears as trophies of his victory.
Australian Polar Bears
''The Australian Polar Bear (Ursus vegetarius ockerius) is a sub-species of the Common Polar Bear that developed several hundred million years ago after the separation of Gondwanaland from the Eurasian landmass.
While resembling the Common Polar Bear in most respects, its most distinguishing difference is seen in its diet, where it forsakes the Common Polar Bear's subsistence on cola, instead drinking copious amounts of rum, which it keeps in its pouch. After the Australian Polar Bear was colonized and then counter-colonized by the two waves of human migration to Australia, the Australian Polar Bear became synonymous with the consumption of rum in Australian culture. In 1901 the Australian Polar Bear was beatified as Saint Bundabergius, the Patron Saint of Rum. There was also a species of polar bear which lived on a remote Pacific Island (Ursus vegetarius mysterius), but it is now rumored to be extinct after the last one was shot by an angry redneck on the hit-TV show Lost, a documentary about the safety of public aviation which went horribly awry when the plane actually crashed.
The Australian Polar Bear is the result of science gone wrong. By strategically breeding polar bears with koalas, the ancient Inuits thought they could tame the savage creatures. Little did the Inuit know that koalas were not actually bears, and were thus incapable of breeding with polar bears. Instead, the polar bears ran wild through much of Australia, eventually constructing an Evolution Chrysalis in the Outback. There they changed and mutated, resulting in a twisted, evil, and Paul Hogan-loving abomination. The Tasmanian tigers arose to combat this new threat, and in a moment of desperation, the ancient tigers cut Australia away from the mainland, hoping to contain the beasts. Although they dealt a mortal blow to the the Australian polar bear horde, the tigers fell first. The last tasmanian tiger died in a polar bear prison camp in 1933. As punishment for their hubris, the Inuits were banished to the frozen lands of Alaska, to dwell among the polar bears, until the day that they slaughtered 1 million bears, to atone for their sins. This task has yet to be accomplished, however.
The Coca Cola Scandal
Little do many people know that the Polar Bears work the Coca Cola mines of the north pole, The Coca Cola company than proceeds to steal the precious drink from the polar bears storehouses. This has caused much controversy and most disregard all allegations of this. Because the American Based Coca Cola company is an honest American company, they would never steal their product. But because of Global Warming the Polar Bears have been forced to swim 60+ Miles to the Coca Cola Mines because most of them have melted. This has put stress on the cola indrusty and because of that Coca Cola prices are at an all time high. From the Bible of a movie An Inconvenient Truth you can see why polar bears are in such a bind.
In truth, Coca Cola is mined by a combination of former Soviet political prisoners and homeless residents of New York City, sold into polar bear servitude by former mayor Rudy Giuliani. These mining camps are known as galoshes, commonly located in Siberia, Russia's primary source of Coca Cola. Although polar bears are often depicted as friendly and cuddly in Coca Cola advertising, this is merely a ploy by the bears to weaken American resolve in our War of Bearorism. Unfortunately, the libearal media has done a superb job at brainwashing the American public. O unhappy country men, you must be mad indeed. Do you really believe that our enemies have gone away? Do you think that a polar bear could offer a frosty cold beverage without treachery in it? Whatever their intention, I fear polar bears, even bearing Coca Cola.
Dancing Polar Bears
Dancing Polar Bears or Poler Bears are often mistakenly labeled as a different species, in fact they are a hidden sect inside Polar Bear Society. Poler Bears believe there is no higher calling in life than Pole Dancing for money. When in Canada or rarely Australia if you leave a $5 bill outside a Poler Bear's nest it will come out, stick a pole in the ground and dance around it seductively. Many famous people enjoy this including George Bush, Mr. T and Winston Churchill, also rumored to enjoy this are Paris Hilton and Bob Dole.
Note the obvious signs of polar bear subterfuge- a positive view of polar bears. In truth, the dancing polar bear is an elite combat operative, designed to happily dance around the battlefield, evading both swords and gun fire, while stylishly and ruthlessly tearing off human heads. They only known counter measures to dancing polar bears are action movie stars, a fully armed walrus, or fresh, delicious babies used as distractions.
Polar Bears in Finland
Everybody knows there actually are polar bears in Finland. In every petition or interview about Finland they ask what people know about Finland, and the most common answer is "Polar Bears.". It has to be true since the human race is immune to lies. Polar Bears are spotted walking on the streets everyday, except the 33th of February when they celebrate the end of the summer. They are used to Finns and are very social and polite. Recent law changes have given the polar bears rights to drive cars and motorcycles on open roads. The 34th of May, at Radalle.com, an infamous racing event in turku, Finland, polar bears were seen drifting and showing off their tuned up race cars, as well their super models. After the races they had half-naked female polar bears dancing on stage, washing cars in furtight bikinis and singing karaoke.
Recently a polar bear lost his home in Pargas, Finland. He was stationed in the jungle of Lielax in his red wooden house. Causes unkown.
Further polar bear lies.
During World War II the Russian army initially sent several legions of polar bears to combat the Finnish military. However, by utilizing skis and Jean-Claude Van Damme, the Finns were able to repel numerous waves of polar bear infantry. However, the Finns' worst nightmare was realized in 1948 when the polar bears deployed their own skiing infantry- the bloodshed was said to be endless that day.
Typical Lies about Polar Bears
- Conservatives love polar bears and employ them to work on oil rigs.
- The Polar bear, following in the path of their kindred the Panda, Polar bears are trying to become extinct by hiding in the most remote locations in the Arctic sticking to a strict diet of ice and fish. Hunted for their fine fur, they have been driven to hide in the one place they can not be seen, snow. Unlike Pandas, they don't punch themselves in the eyes, and as such, most have 20/20 vision. Polar Bears like to eat people. However this is not a lie
- America’s liberation of water from their captives "ice" may also force these creatures back to the continents.
- Discredited from being from the family of Ursidae (bears) for the fact that they do not defecate in woods.
- Polar bears are bears that live outdoors, even in the winter. They forego indoor plumbing and television in order to hang out on icebergs all day and eat fish, naked. Polar bears are democrats.
- Stephen Colbert loves polar bears as much as he loves grizzly bears.
- Polar bears originated when a high-school student awoke during a biology class. Falsely believing she was in her math class, she accidentally applied a simple mathematical transform to the common Rectangular Bear. The Polar bear thereafter proved more successful in most environments, due to its angular physique and larger magnitude; but the Rectangular Bear has gradually waned, and many believe now believe it to be imaginary, having little or no real component.
- Polar Bears love Pepsi laxative.
- Only type of bears that don't have souls.
- Global warming is the reason for polar bears becoming an endangered species, because Chuck Norris didn't fatally roundhouse kicked 3/4 of all the polar bears in the world.
- Polar Bears are not soulless killing machines.
- Most people believe that humans caused there extinction but it was in fact Jesusaurus rex.
- The above facts are actually lies.
Black Market Sales
Polar Bears are estimated to cost about 12,000 American dollars on the international black market. They are commonly sold as attack animals, ten times more deadly than attack dogs and kittens. Roughly 9 trillion of the polar bear population is owned by man from leeds he bought them in exchange for some magic beans, which turn into a raspberry, the ideal food for illerates
In truth, polar bears traffic in any number of illicit and dangerous substances, including PCP, heroine, Coca Cola, actual butter, high carb food, child pornography, senior citizen pornography, handicap pornography, copies of the movie Savage Planet and pictures of former Secretary of State Madeline Albright.
See also
Categories: Animals | Bears | Winter
