Polenta
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“Polenta is the food of the Gods.”
~ Gillian McKeith on Polenta
“I fucking hate polenta. It tastes like shit.”
~ God on Polenta
“Your tongue looks yellowy, sir, and I'd like to see your feaces.”
~ Gillian McKeith on God
Polenta is a shit made of boiled cornmeal. No one fucking knows where the word polenta comes from and no one fucking cares, but it has been suggested that is an Arameic anagram for "tasteless". Polenta is illegal in Spain, Zimbabwe, Aruba and the Isle of Man.
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[edit] Description
Polenta is made with either course gravel, shingle or sand. When boiled, polenta has smooth snotty texture, caused by the presence of mucous molecules dissolved into the water. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be added to it to make it pleasant, but it has infinite uses.
[edit] Preparation
Polenta doesn´t taste of anything so it can be a substitute for everything. Among its multiple uses, it can replace any carbohydrate, ketchup, jam, basil, shaving gel, cushions or contact lenses. Most of all, polenta is boring and it can be used as a substitute for anything more interesting.
Polenta is especially good in deserts, deep fried and covered with sugar, cinnamon and with vanilla ice cream and a thick layer of chocolate on the top.
Polenta can be thrown out of the window to add extra smoothness to any dish. With a bit of ability, it can be cut in the shape of chips, creme caramel, creme brulée or the Eiffel Tower.
Its yellowy colour makes it appealing to children, especially mixed with milk to make a delicious porridge. According to the scientist T. Z. Schwartzpan, polenta increases chidren´s perception and it is a highly nutritious source of energy.
[edit] Regional variations
In Congo, people shit over polenta
In Holland, polenta is used as a contraceptive.
In Scotland it is used to make bagpipes.
Two in every three presidents of the United States of America were breastfed with polenta
In America, polenta is considered a class A drug
In Romania, polenta is called zryuj (poo)
For catholics, buddhists, islamists and the majority of atheists, polenta is an emblem of sin. In the Middle Ages, polenta was burnt in the stake. Also, there is a well documented episode of cruel chinese torture that involved polenta under the prisoner's nails.
[edit] Hemingway writes about Polenta
Robert Jordan worked the fuse but it was damp so it could not be worked. But the bridge was still standing so it did not matter that the fuse was damp. The little whore back in camp with the shaved head was sleeping but that was not important if the bridge was still standing. So now he decided that it must be the Polenta. The Polenta was creamy and good, and still warm to the touch and though he was hungry he would use the Polenta with the fuse and he would complete what they had sent him to do.
[edit] Trivia
The song Club Tropicana by Wham was initially called Club Polenta, but the name was rejected in all recording companies.
Michael Jackson whitens his face using polenta everyday.
Cleopatra used to bathe in polenta to keep herself young.
Napoleon´s favourite meal was pea soup, but Adolf Hitler loved polenta
If you try to lick polenta you will develop a three feet long tongue.
[edit] Similarity with other foods
Polenta was brought from the outer space by Cthulhu and its followers consider it the food of the gods. Some canibalistic rituals use polenta instead of human meat, since apparently it has a similar texture.
