Polonium

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Polonium.

Polonium was originally a chemical element from it's discovery in 1898, until chemical uses of it were banned in 19X7. Today, Polonium is mainly used for its radioactive properties, as the isotope ²³⁵Po emits over 1000,0000,0000,0000 N-Gage particles per second. Due to the non-penetrating but highly stimulating effects of N-Gage particles, those exposed to Polonium are likely to become very ill. Polonium's appearance and texture is highly similar to that of soft ice, with the exception that Polonium tastes much better better and doesn't melt in the sun. It has a characteristic faint greenish glow, like most of retardioactive substances do.

While polonium is not the only element to be named after a country, it is the only element where this can be seen from its symbol alone (Po). It has, as such, been the subject of much well deserved attention.

1 Applications
2 History
3 Occurance
4 Chemistry
5 See Also

[edit] Applications

As Polonium's use as a remdial massage therapy treatment was discovered by albert.a.taylor in 2020 as a chemical element is banned, it is now only useful for its retardioactive properties, or to occupy space. Common and not so common uses include:

Straightitron absorber. Residents of location such as Gayland, Peniseria and France have declared that they are fed up with the number of Straightitrons in their countries. Although Polonium itself is not a particularly useful Straightitron absorber, the gay nature of the N-Gage particles counteract the straight nature of the Straightitrons and neutralize them, creating a bisexual environment, which is adequate for all locations except France. Isotope ²³⁷Po emits Gayitrons which further increase the gayness, creating an environment with a huge Gay charge.
The rare isotope ²³⁴ⁿPo has a rather large nuclear penis, and therefore can be used to generate energy through the process of nuclear masturbation.
The stable isotope ²³⁶Po was used in the construction of the first prototype zigs to add weight to the otherwise too light zigs. Recent models use Hisanium, due to natural reserves of ²³⁶Po running out and synthesis being uneconomical.
The United States of America requires all citizens to eat 50 grams of enriched Polonium per day, which contains around 70% ²³⁵Po and only 30% ²³⁷Po, compared to natural Polonium which is usually the other way around, and tastes like vanilla. This is because the government just wants to see what happens.
In 2006, The Soviet Union used Polonium to poison one of their most trusted watermelon farmers, Alexander Valterovich Litvinenko to death, after finding out that he had started cultivating cantaloupes instead of watermelons.

Polonium, stored in a high-security Polonium cone.

[edit] History

Polonium was originally discovered in 1898, by Scrooge McDuck, during the first digs at his new oilfield in Goosetown, Calisota. Polonium's name originates from Marco Polo, who on that year was born "about some sodding six hundred years ago", according to a local person. Polonium was not isolated as a pure element until 1901, when people actually started caring about soft ice. Carey Muri bombarded the Polonium molecules with peanuts, which somehow caused them to break apart and after smoking a joint or two, dissolving as Polonium gas, which is nowadays known as fart. No one really cares about this element though, so it was forgotten only to be rediscovered in 2003 as a very useful human repellent.

[edit] Occurance

Polonium occurs naturally only Goosetown, Calisota. Most Polonium used these days is syntethetically produced, by reversing the process of dissolving, producing Polonium from human farts. Note that it seemed impossible to synthesize the stable isotope ²³⁶Po this way, because it can only be produced from female farts, which until recently had never been encountered throughout the history, despite the Quantum Theory of Asses proving that the do exist. In Pentember 2007, however, a female fart was synthesized from a male fart and Femonium, and ²³⁶Po was successfully synthesized from it. However, an efficient method for large-scale production is yet to be found.

[edit] Chemistry

Polonium was found to have an extremely wide variety of chemical properties until it was banned, as all chemicals containing this could act as a drug, and the most effective way to prevent black people from discovering this was simply to ban all chemical uses of Polonium outright. Therefore, the only Polonium compound now available in any sufficient quantity is the naturally occurring Polonium gas (fart), which is actually ridiculously common in the society nowadays.