Pompeii F.C.
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Pompeii F.C. | ||
| Nickname | SKATES | |
| Stadium capacity | 20,688 | |
| Average attendance | 1 | |
| Average I.Q. of fan | N/A | |
| Manager | 007 chins | |
| Stadium name | Shatton Park | |
| Best player | N/A | |
| Best league position | N/A | |
| Rivals | Southampton | |
| Mascot | TY Beanie Baby | |
“Who Are Ya'?”
~ Everyone on Pompeii
“I should've gone to Specsavers”
~ God on Pompeii
“L:OLL!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pompeii
Pompeii F.C. are a "football" team from the lost city of Pompeii. Due to geographical confusion, they play in the Premiership, a football league in a country some 3 000 453 hops away from Pizzaland.
Any big achievments? No, stop pissin' around.
Contents |
[edit] Club History
Established sometime too long ago, Portsmouth Football Club began as a pub team, and are still widely regarded as such. Some believe that the team began as part of a long running joke between Julius Caesar and Sir Alex, however many feel it is inconceivable how a joke could go so horribly wrong, and the few who think that Portsmouth are a decent side generally conceive very little. Their home ground is Fratton Park, the tiniest stadium in the league, and have no desire to expand. In 2008 Pompey reached the final of the FA (Feck All) cup final, an achievement which they shall most probably never come anywhere close to ever again.
[edit] Club Crest
The club crest consists of a shield shape, and a one-eyed smiley face. This could be a link to Pompeii's pirating connections, although more generally it is considered to be a lesson for the citizens of this fine city about the dangers of inbreeding, and the mutations which stem from it.
[edit] Rivals
It is well known fact that there are only two teams in Hampshire, namely Southampton and Havant and Waterloovile. It is therefore unsurprising that all skates are jealous of their neighbours' achievements, and try so pathetically hard to convince themselves that they are better. Portsmouth's main Rivalry, with the neighbouring city of Southampton, is more commonly known as the South Toast Derby, and is believed to have originated from the early 1800's when a Pompeii fan inexpliably stole a Southampton fan's breakfast. It was soon returned when the Pompeiian realised he hated marmite.
[edit] Hooliganism
Anyone who's knows the words to Pompey Chimes is automatically considered to be a hooligan, the one exception being Fred Dinage, who is more commonly considered to be a fucking wanker.
[edit] Some Famous Players (Past and Present)
- Sol Campbell's Beans: Moved from Spurs to Arsenal some years back causing an international war. Was released from Arsenal when he got injured and replaced by ugly Swiss dude Phillipe Sendhimoff. Andy Warhol painted him as a can of soup.
- David James (Englands Number 1.2): Suffered hate campaign all over England in 2005 when he screwed up England's match against Austria, causing a 2-2 draw. God knows why they didnt blame Gerrard, Lampard, Beckham or Rooney. Back in the team after Stevie Mac discovered Paul Robinson cant kick a ball.
- Wanko Kuntu: Experienced, reliable, Nigerian supersub. Played for some of the world's best teams. AFC Ajax. Inter Milan. Arsenal. West Bromwich Albion.
- Pedro "I got injured for fucking ages by some twat" Mendes: Seen as the star of the golden generation of Portugal, Pedro won the Champions League witth FC Porto, earning a megabucks move to Spurs. But in England there are more than 3 good teams, and he struggled, forcibly sent to Portsmouth, where he smashed in shots and got smashed in face, and when he got out of his coma he was playing for Rangers.
- Batty Taylor: Fired from Oxford for being too fat. Fired from Luton for being too fat. Fired in 50-yard goals for Portsmouth, before he mistakedly signed for Bolton because they lied saying they were Chelsea.
- Sulley "break your legs" Munter: A graduate from the Michael Essien School of "Mistimed" Slide Tackles, they sent him on a secret mission to Italy to crack shins. Went to Portsmouth but after he killed Harry they sent him back.
- Nipple Krancjar Son of legendary player Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Nipple has been wowing Pompeii fans for the past 2 seasons with his excellent displays of being anonymous in most games. He then plays one fantastic game, gets labelled as "better than messi" and gets linked with a move to arsenal, the process is then repeated.
- Peter "The Beanpole" Crouch (He used to be a skate, but now he's fucking great): Giraffe Robot who prefers dancing and basketball to sitting on a bench while Torres grabs attention. Moved back to Portsmouth because at least then he can have the basketball, with Milan Baros.
- David McNugent: Tubby acne encrusted Scouser who became Milkman of the year after being fired from LIverpool. Ha ha. Trialed for every club possible, before delivering milk to Preston. After Patrick Agyeman was injured, Nugent took the field, scored 25 goals and was off to Portsmouth, not for his striking but for his milk delivering. As soon as they got him they considered giving him to Derby.
- Benjani Mwaruwaruwaruwaruwari: After calling Robert Mugabe a cocksucker, he was expelled from Zimbabwe and turned up seeking asylum in England. After scoring one goal for Pompey, he signed for Manchester City, but after they got Robinho he resigned for Grimsby Town.
- Poppa Boobie Diop
- Milan "I can only play international football" Baros (Captain if the Czech handball tesm)
- Yo' Mum!
- John Viagra
- Lomana Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua Lua...
[edit] Signing for Portsmouth
If you are out of work, as most people in this charming little city are, you may find that your best bet is to get a trial for this pathetic excuse of a team. Generally you will be given a place in the starting line-up if:
- You have 2 legs (or at least 2 arms).
- You have an impressive sounding footballer name.
- You are related in some way to 'Arry.
- You are over the age of 48.
- You have a failed international career.
- No-one else will take you.
- You're available on a free transfer.
- You are from africa.
[edit] The Future Of Pompeii FC.
For our sake and for the sake of English Football (well, world football) lets hope there isn't one.
