Pootie Tang
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Pootie Tang is an unusual example of what entomologists refer to as an non-extant phrase. That is a phrase that although it exists, actually has no meaning whatsoever.
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[edit] Pootie Tang: Finally an Explanation
[edit] Creation of Pootie Tang
Pootie Tang as a phrase was first produced by monkey number 607, (Cynthia to her friends), whilst working on new formats for the BBC with an infinite number of long-tailed Primate collegues. Its non-extant status was not immediately clear and by an administrative error Pootie Tang was accidentally used on the last ever filmed smash hit adults only UK version of the 'Call my Bluff' show. Incidently the X-classification of the show by the BBFC was never entirely comprehended until the episode involving Keith Chegwin was broadcast.
[edit] Televisual consequences and Social Impact of Pootie Tang
Unfortunatley the use of a non-extant phrase upon Call my Bluff immediately led to a collapse in the show's moral backbone and its subsequent dropping from the BBC schedules, as no TRUE definition card was available the contestants were inescapably sucked up their own arses in a frightening spurious sub-logic event (FSSLE). After many hours filming the producer was forced to pull the plug, whilst the audience were unceremoniously gassed to prevent news of the scandal escaping. A public inquiry as to why an infinite amount of licence payer's money was being spent on bananas and typing correction fluid was thus speedily averted. (The old line about needing to renumerate top executives in line with the private sector to prevent their jumping ship was no longer usable after a finite but relevant number of Great Apes had defected to Sky earlier in the financial quarter.)
Effectively the show was a now an unwanted vagrant disease bearing whore and rumour has it that it has lately been seen hanging around some of the seedier parts of Sheperds Bush asking low velocity motorists if they 'are looking for buisiness?'. (The Togsvig simulacrum is also said to give a good, if a trifle toothy 'head', though this is pretty much the sum of its sexual favours, a lower half never having been constructed, as this area was occluded from the TV cameras gaze by the desk).
Sociologists have never been able to quantify the social damage done as they suddenly found that their once rich vocabularies were inexplicably reduced and were unable to put together a decent grant proposal using, at best, bisyllabic words.
There follows an excerpt from a rare transcript of the show made before the the video tape reclamation purges of the mid 80's.
Transcript Begins
[edit] And our next word is.....Pootie Tang. And it's Frank to start...
[edit] Sir Frank of Muir that devastating charmer of hotdogs and wearer of verbose bow-ties begins...
"I first had occasion to employ a 'Pootie Tang', or in fact ootie T'ng as it is of course corwectly pronounced, the P and the A being silent, whilst I was stationed in Chatham Military Gwammer School during the 20's. I was fagging at the time for Sebastion Mount-Edgesmiles, a dashing chap in the upper sixth, when I was summoned on a flimsy pwetext by the Head of Lower school. Knowing him to have an unlimited carnal apetite for young boys such as myself, I immediately grabbed the dorm 'ootie T'ng' and strapped it securely into the back of my grey bags, knowing, of course, that it would pwotect my sensabilities from the filthy sodomising beast. You see the 'ootie T'ng' is simply a silicon wubber facsimile of a pair of salacious school boy buttocks lubwicated with a slippery rohypnol/LSD laced gel and provides pwotection against the unwelcome advances of pweditary old House masters and Catholic priests etc by rrrredering them insensable after the first thrust or so. Its also tremedously good fun, what."
[Several more hours sveltly pass whilst Sir Frank of Muir continues to reminisce over the illicit pleasures of his school fagging days, a thin rope of mutinous saliva delectably jumping ship from his noun transmogrifying lips..A number of BBC technicians are pronounced in a vegetative state and the producer's supply of fresh orange kittens is, alarmingly, running low..Realising it is imperative to do something quickly Lord Robin of Ray passes the question on..]
[edit] Ray of the whining stone begins...
"Not to be disrespectful to you or nuffin' but that is total bollox and if you don't wipe that smug look of your soppy face, Muir, you will be shittin' that f'in bow tie in about fifteen hours time, see what I'm saying? Right now we've got that sorted, let me tell you that I ain't f'in telling you what no fuggin 'Pootie Tang' is. What, you think I'm a fuggin stoolie do you? Try and f'in make me tell you if you think your f'in hard enough-come on then.. COME ON!!! I shouldn't even be on this f'in panel show you wankers, I call your fuggin bluff you f'in muppet!"
[Ray is swiftly dispatched with a tranqualiser dart containing around 2g of thorazine, a dose equivalent to watching 200 hours of Eastenders or 2 series of Birds of a feather on 8xFF, he is later pronounced brain dead by a BBC veteranian, although this doesn't stop him from going on to pursue a successful career as a video tape reclamation officer, wiping over almost all known funny BBC material, saving the licence payer exactly 2s and 6d. So it is over to the Sandy Togsvig simulacrum]
[edit] With a faintly audible whirring of gears the Togsvig simulacrum comes to life...
"The truth is, you see, that your all wrong! 'Pootie Tang' of course is a West Indian word, well in fact two words, 'Pootie', and 'Tang'..'Tang' being another dialectual variation on 'ting' and 'Pootie' being a deravation of 'bootie', not in this case being the area often referred to as the, ahem, derrière, but actually meaning a boot like rubber sack, into which kittens are 'Put', (hence the compound of Bootie and Put giving Pootie), before being swallowed by unfortunate drug mules. Thus, 'Pootie Tang' means 'rubber sack thing for smuggling kittens'. Thank you, ahem, thank you.
[edit] So there we have it...
"'Pootie Tang', a set of rubberized medicated buttocks for protecting a public schoolboys charms, something else too sinister to be told, or simply a rubber 'boot like' sack for stuffing with kittens and swallowing for furthering material gain through gangster activities, the choice is yours..."
Transcript Ends
[edit] Other examples of non-extant words and phrases
Currently no other examples are thought to exist.
If any should be found please ensure that they are submitted to the relevant linguistic agencies. DO NOT be tempted to start using the words yourself, you may be offered a presenting job on MTV and in years to come look back on your career with shame.
