Benedict XVI

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“The pope is allright”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pope Chlamydia

“Man who wear no pants is pope”

~ Confucius on pope benedict

“Summon the loch ness monstah!!!!!”

~ Pope Oscar Wilde

“And on the 7th day the lord said: "You can haz cheezburger." From then on all popes haz cheezburgers.”

~ Pope on Creation

“He's got the eyes of a killer.”

~ Paul Merton on Pope Benedict

“He's an invisible man, living in the sky! And he plans to kill most of you at the end of time, and boil your souls in a pool of firey hot lava and brimstone! But he loves you, and he wants your money!!!"”

~ Pope Benedict XVI on God.

“I like the pope the pope smokes dope!"”

~ Richard Dawkins on Pope.

Bent-Dick Ex-Vee-Eye, known as Colonel Ratty to his friends or simply as "B16" and "Big Ben" (or Joe) to his mother, is the brand-spankin'-new Pope. He reincarnated, Phoenix-like, from his previous form as Pope John Paul 2.0, in 2005, which he had coincidentally reincarnated from as Pope Benedict XIV. His first act as Pope was the ritual consumption of John Paul 2.0's body, thus absorbing his powers.

This hoopy frood bears mucho resemblanci (Latin) to Darth Sidious of Star Wars fame. It was thought he would choose the name Palpatine as his papal "handle", but as the coincidence would have raised too many questions, he has chosen to stick with his original Tellurian name, Benedict Xvi. This name has its own share of controversy, however, as it is the same exact name as that guy in that forgettable Arnold Schwarzenegger film.

It also alludes to his former role as Benny within the popular UK TV series Crossroads. It is unlikely he will return, although a Rome holiday special is on the cards.

Contents 1 Brief Introduction 2 Biography 3 Suspected links to the Borg 4 Facts 5 How Do You Pronounce "Xvi"? 6 Official Vatican City ASCII 7 Benedict XVI in other languages and places 8 Famous Speech 9 Benedict: the racing form 10 Benedict's intent 11 Do you know... 12 See also 13 External Links

[edit] Brief Introduction

The Pope is the monarch of the kingdom of Vatican (which is essentially his palace and his backyard) and over the minds of his horde of catholic followers, who are gullible enough to put a old senile pensioner on the throne. (And this old senile pensioner is actually gullible enough to put in a full workday when he should be lounging around the pool in Leisure Retirement Land.)

[edit] Biography

Joe Ratzinger / Ben Xvi (Benny 16 to his friends or Ratzinger Z for the Germans) was found hatched inside the Arch of the covenant and was adopted by his famously (and supposedly) anti-Nazi father. His name was the cube root of his father's lucky number, and "Benedict" was rumoured to be the name of his real mother, Betty Sechzehn.

During the course of his life he made wondrous inventions such as the moon, punctuation, penis enlargers, where he was called "Bendydick XVI", and cold fusion. He also discovered the Boltzmann constant. Famed for his work as a leper in Alaska, he worked his way up until he became a new Pope.

Benedict Xvi was NEVER a communist, and repudiates his time as one. His father was also a prominent anti-Nazi, as you can see documented in the official biography Benedict wrote. That he was later head of the Inquisition is mere coincidence. BELIEVE IT or he'll EXCOMMUNICATE YO' ASS.

When he was elected pope, it was discovered that he had the same body as Pope John Paul II. Apparently, after Emperor Palpatine was killed by Darth Vader, he inhabited the recently deceased John Paul II and was reincarnated as Emperor Benedict XVI, also known as Darth Benedictitus. It is unknown whether or not the young Benedict XVI is the same person as the papal version. He also voted George Bush for President. Now they are preparing a neoconspiracy against Italy to expand the Vatican frontier from world to heaven.

[edit] Suspected links to the Borg

Benedict has been suspected of links to the Borg Commonality ever since he told the College of Cardinals to "Prepare to be Assimilated". His mechanical voice and bionic limbs have also served to fuel suspicion. However, the "Vatican Conservative Council" has denied this, and threatened to let the Papal Bull loose on anyone who "spreads these false rumours".

[edit] Facts

• On many occasions he has been quoted expressing his interests as, "I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny."
• No human being has ever seen the Pope's legs. This has led many to believe that he has goat legs, such as the Satan.
• In addition to looking like Sith Lord Darth Sidious, the Pope also bears a strong resemblance to horror movie icon Hannibal Lector.
• Due to the above mentioned resemblance to Hannibal Lector and the Pope talks about not wasting fetuses on stem cell research, it is believed that he consumes fetuses as an energy source to fuel his Sith powers.
• Several tests have shown that the Pope is, in fact, rabid.
• God has been recorded saying that the pope should burn in hell.
• The Pope is the current head of the Irish Republic, the pope isn't happy about this and generally thinks of it as a very bad move indeed
• When the Pope was just a Youth (a Nazi Youth) Dr. Xavier came to him with news of the Popes mutant ability. He had the ability to conduct electricity and taint the purest of things with darkness and evil. The Pope went to find himself after this news and came across Wolverine. They became good friends and went into roadside bars that randomly had Cage Fighting Arenas built inside them. Together they would fight the meanest truck drivers around. But when the Pope touched Wolverine he would shock him with hundreds of electric volts. This occurred in the Popes banishment to the Vatican City, where walls were built around him. But Magneto broke through the ceiling of the city and led a conquest to rule the world. Now nearly all people blindly follow the Pope, who is really just Magnetos puppet.

[edit] How Do You Pronounce "Xvi"?

Most speakers of English will say "ex-vie", and this is acceptable for journalism or official use in an English-speaking context. However, linguists point out that the name is not actually from a human language, and recommend pronouncing it without the leading vowel for strict accuracy, and with a fist or other similar-sized object in the mouth for greater faithfulness to the church and nonstandard phonetic requirements. You may evn have to do that clicking thing from Africa. These guys are smarter than you, so listen to them, and start stretching those mouths.

If that turns out not being feasible for you, it is better to avoid Xvi completely and use XEmacs instead.

[edit] Official Vatican City ASCII

This is the only official ASCII art available of Benedict XVI. All others are cheap imitations.

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[edit] Benedict XVI in other languages and places

• Malaysia: Benedict Solution
• Latin: Benedict Xvi
• Coruscant: Darth Benedictous
• English: Eggs Benedict 16
• Octal: Benedict 020
• Hexadecimal: Benedict 0x10
• Binary: B10edic0 00010000
• L33t: b3|n3d1k7 the 3x-V1
• Starfleet: USS Benedict (NCC-0016)
• Soviet Russia: "In Soviet Russia Eggs BENEDICT eat YOU!!!!!!
• USA (all but Mayne): Da Pope
• Spain: Ai Papa, cuidao no ralles la flagoneta!
• Portuguese: E é o Benedito!
• France: Man with no Pants
• Germany: Führer Eiert Benedict (aka Auschwitz Joe)
• Japan: Jo-Ben, sometimes "Ben-Jo", sometimes "Very sorry, we run out of sushi". Very rarely, "JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE"
• Taiwan: Stoopid Joe
• Turkey (all but Istanbul): Old Jesusfuckin Racist

• Istanbul: Pope-ish
• Nigeria/Nicaragua/Mayne: Lumberjack Walter
• Chile: Ese conchesumadre
• Klingon: Tic'Tac' Pattywack (Pronounced T'pu F'tang)
• Alderaan: Papalpatine
• Tatooine: Ben Kenobi (or Ja-Ben, the Hutt)
• Mayne: The Toaster Man
• Wikipedia: BennyOnWheels
• Albert Square: That Catholic fossil
• Romania: Benedicula
• Polish: Nie chcemy papieża JP2.0 Niemca. (literally John Paul 2.0 for president!!!)
• Inquisition: Joe Ratzinger, Pontiff Extraordinaire
• Nickname Paparazzi (because he is an autograph collector.
• Friends : Benji sixteen
• Chavs : Ben 'n' what
• Gangsterz : Blood
• KFC: Ratzinger Burger
• Rice Lake Domainship: he be a good guy, methinks eggs

Given a reference by Saint Malachy

[edit] Famous Speech

His first speech as pope is as followed:

" The year is 2025, White people HAVE become a MINORITY in America. On our streets hang Aryan men who refused to accept the "New Way," or perhaps they just looked too White. Perhaps they never thought MUD RULE would really come. "

What he means is that the end of his papacy is 2025.

He says that he will unite the world just like John Paul II.

He means that the battle with Satan is still being fought.

" How often do the hunted Whites think back to the "old days," when action and dedicated work, might have Reached, Educated and Organized enough of our folk, to have averted what now seems like a hopeless Hell. All the old excuses for not working for the Movement...My Job...My Money...My Friends...My Fun...My Beer, all gone. All the boasting, but never REALLY sacrificing for what they knew was coming, now it's too late, too late, TOO LATE. Are YOU a TALKER or do YOU make a difference now? "

"Prepare to be assimilated!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"

"Okay, I gotta go now."

He means that the christian movement is near.

[edit] Benedict: the racing form

According to Malachi the prophet (or possibly profit-maker) the penultimate Pope. To be succeeded by "persons of another title."

[edit] Benedict's intent

His initials before election were JR (as in JR Ewing in the film series Dallas ).

You have been warned!

Preceded by:	Pope Benedict XVI (2005 - 2035)	Succeeded by:
Pope John Paul 2.1		Dublin Drunken Popes

[edit] Do you know...

• ...that Benedict XVI is a German Shepherd?
• ...Opus dei mates call him Benny 4x4?
• ...that Benedict XVI is Ned Flanders' dad?

[edit] See also

• Ratzinger Z

[edit] External Links

• Official Website (make sure sound is enabled)

v • d • e

Freaky German Stuff

Varying geography:	Germany - Austria - Switzerland (sort of) - That tiny country that may as well be Luxembourg - Frankfurt - Berlin - Vienna - Netherlands - Luxembourg - Scandinavia - Alsace - Belgium
A Frightening people:	Germans - Prussians - Bavarians - The Dutch - The Swiss - Luxembourgian - Liechtensteinian
Frightening leaders:	Adolf Hitler - Otto Von Bismarck - Adolf Hilter - Darth Hitler - Heinrich Himmler - Dr. Paul Joseph Göbbels - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, or "Gerta" - Albert Einstein - Bertolt Brecht - Benedict XVI - Kurt Vonnegut - Nietzsche - Fritz Lang - Leo Strauss - Angry German Kid - Karl Marx
Confusing language:	German - German language (there's a difference) - German grammar - Grammar Nazis - Umlaut - Umlaut monster - Hegel - Kant
Unnerving Musik:	Rammstein - Einstürzende Neubauten - Kraftwerk - Johann Sebastian Bach - Ludwig van Beethoven - Wolfman On-the-dais Moatsart - Gus Mauler - Paul Hindemith - Oomph! - 19-hour-long operas about gods wearing bear skins and helmets - Scooter
Shameful history:	World War II - Nazism - Swastikas - Holocaust - Lolicaust - Berlin Wall - Death camps - 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse - Angry German Kid's Unreal Tournament account

you must use the phish