Emperor Palpatine
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“Unlimited Dark Side!”
~ Palpatine on Palpatine quotes
“Unlimited Food!”
~ Palpatine on All you can eat buffet
“Unlimited Minutes!”
~ Palpatine on Your new cellphone price plan
“POWERRRR”
~ Palpatine on Jeremy Clarkson
“Something something something... dark side, something something something... complete”
“More like Darth Hideous if you ask me”
~ Darth Vader on having Star Wars jokes somewhere in this article
Emperor Palpatine was the last sith lord that anybody remembers. He was one of those guys you remember, you know? Palpatine, or Darth Sidious, has gotten a bad rap through the ages. Even his autobiographer decided he didn't like him. Sidious started life like any baby at the age of 0. He died in an ironic fashion at age 109 by getting punched down some kind of evil wishing well he installed in the Death Star. His life was punctuated by many occurances, like evil commas in some kind of very long, evil sentence.
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Palpatine was born very poor in West Podack, Idaho to Marsha and Harold Sidious. Marsha was a sweet hearted housewife, and Harold was a dentist who barely managed to keep food on the table, the lights on, his kids dressed, or the water running. Y'know, cuz they were poor and so forth.
Palpatine had a difficult time in childhood. He was angry because there weren't any gangs he could join to express his anger, and because the cool kids wouldn't let him sit with them at lunch. There weren't any gangs he could join, that is, until his parents were forced to move to Compton, California. There, he got a job at Mc Donalds in the evil division, and soon after he joined the Dark Side under Darth Plagious. Like many a missunderstood, confused teenager, the young Palpatine took solace in the music of such artists as Madonna, Axl Rose and the Spice Girls.
[edit] Inspirations
Sidious didn't just go into the sith business for no reason, he had plenty of help from the liberal media, feminists, gays, and all sorts of other people with questionable moralities:
- Darth Cheney: who was a natural for the evil business.
- Darth Hitler: who was so evil that he was cut out of the final version of episode VII. The character was abandoned altogether because he was, quote, "too evil".
- Darth Tyranus: who escaped from his holding pen, and caused a ruckus on a small island.
[edit] Middle Life
Darth Plagious had Sidious go through 19 tasks to prove that he was worthy of being a dark master of the sith. Written word for word, here are the original tasks that Sidious was ordered to do:
- Best me in a light saber duel.
- Best me in tic tac toe.
- Best me in checkers.
- Best me in a rap off.
- Best me in a simultaneous checkers/rap off competition.
- Best me in an arm wrestling competition.
- Best me in another light saber duel.
- Best me in a simultaneous checkers/arm wrestling competition.
- Best me in a pretty girl stalking competition.
- Best me in a best of 3 besting competition.
- Forget it, you're in already.
Pladious had Sidious help him build up his gang, The Siths, and put him in charge of membership fee collection. Sidious and Pladious had a falling out, and Sidious murdered him in some nasty way involving a lampshade that some future editor will elaborate on (like me, because I know this story. He cooked the lampshade in a pie and had Pladious eat it, and then he shot him). In the meantime, Sidious became the new leader of the gang and changed his name to Palpatine. He started training new apprentices soon afterwards. It was around this time that Palpatine launched his teen clothing line, House of Palpatine. This however proved to be a massive commercial failure, as the only items on offer were over-priced swirling black capes and hoods. These items, nonetheless, proved to be of great value to Palpatine's next business venture as a producer of interplanetary adult films (including the award-winning "Hutts and Butts: Tatooine Gone Wild").
[edit] Old Life
(royal artist's depiction)
Palpatine became emperor at the ripe age of 99 by tricking the senate into believing that a guy with a serious facial condition and a penchant for flowing black robes could possibly be a good guy. However, Palpatine had a lot of different people he trained to be SuperEvil™ before then. Before he became emperor, Palpatine was charged with being SuperEvil™, but was let off because he charmed the jury with the ol' lift your skirt so they can see your legs trick. He has pretty hot legs, despite his face. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh that's right, the people he trained.
[edit] Darth Maul
Darth Maul was the first guy Palpatine trained. Darth Maul was born on December 7th, 1941, a day which will live in infamy. He was destined for the dark side at an early age, as all of his elementary school report cards said that he, "Did not play well with others." As a teenager, he began listening to insane clown posse and wearing his trademark makeup. Maul was, in spite of his scary horns, kind of a pussy. After hearing all the hype about him, you would think he would have been murdering children and spiking midgets off of the ground anytime he showed up. Didn't really expect him to get chopped in half by a padawan. Hell, Obi Wan even had a hard time beating Hayden Christensen, and I think we can all agree that's pretty bitch. But I digress. The horns were pretty sweet, though. I mean seriously, those horns had that Woot Woot. They had that Bling Blang. They were all nimbly-bimbly. Sadly, he, and his sexy horns, disappeared after Episode I.
[edit] Leadership of the Catholic Church
Palpatine had been secretly working for both the galactic republic and the Catholic Church for many years. While his role as a Republican had increased since the Nixon presidency, many were not yet aware of his ties to the Darkside.
Through the political process Palpatine managed to slowly gain power with the position of chancellor.
On April 19, 2005, Palpatine was named supreme ruler and emperor of the Catholic Church, forever merging Christians with the Galactic Empire. He changed his name to Pope Benedict in an effort to conceal ties to the darkside.
His first words are pope were:
“Dear brothers and sisters, after the great Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals have elected me, a simple, humble laborer in the vineyard of the Lord. The fact that the Lord knows how to work and to act even with insufficient instruments comforts me, and above all I entrust myself to your prayers. In the joy of the Risen Lord, confident of his unfailing help, let us move forward. The Lord will help us, and Mary, His Most Holy Mother, will be on our side. Thank you”
Democrats and Jedi's alike broke out in protest, claiming the Popes words were tied to the ancient Sith. However, the power of the darkside, as well as support from Darth Bush has helped conceal the Pope's affiliations to the Sith.
[edit] Count Dooku
Count Dooku is barely worth mentioning. He was some old guy who used to be a Jedi. At least he lasted longer than Maul, but he was killed in a similar fashion.
[edit] General Grievous
Grievous was voted the weirdest character to ever be in a Star Wars movie by the Star Wars Galactic Council of Cool Guys Who Rock (or, "SWGCCGWR" for short). He was a robot with asthma, which really appealed to the people who watch Star Wars. Technically, he learned the Jedi arts from Count Dooku, but nobody cares.
[edit] Darth Vader
Darth Vader wasn't actually a character with a background. He just said things that made the movies famous.
“I am your father.”
~ Darth Vader on his son
“I am your cousin”
~ Darth Vader on his cousin
“I am your father's brother's cousin's nephew's former roommate.”
~ Darth Vader on Spaceballs
“Join me, and together we shall BlahBlahBlah”
~ Darth Vader on togetherness
“The Dark Side is even more powerful than this kickass spaceship.”
~ Darth Vader on kickass spaceships
[edit] A Bunch Of Other Random People
After he got Darth Vader to be his companion, Palpatine recruited a lot of other folks with pictures that I found by searching for "Darth" on uncyclopedia. He put them to tests similar to the ones that he himself had to go through. This group of Sith palled around with Palpatine and Darth Vader for a while before it was decided that nothing interesting could come from them.
- First was Darth Marx, who wrote the evil version of Das Kapital (It was long and in German).
- then he trained Darth Alf who was unfortunately highly flammable.
- he then tested the limits of his tests by training Darth Potato who was, like, just a potato.
- he then retested the tests by testing Darth Balloon who really was just, like, a balloon.
- then he went back home and trained his cat, who became Darth Cat who was sooo adowable!
- he trained Darth Baby who was a surprisingly evil adowable wittle guy!
- he then helped lead the Sith to power through training Darth Bush
- next he trained Darth Cow who really was just a cow.
- then he trained Darth Hillary, and helped make the first woman presidential candidate.
- afterwards he then rejoined the Republicans and trained Darth Rumsfeld, who was a total asshole until he resigned to "spend more time with his family".
- next he trained the most controversial sith ever, Alternate Lifestyle Darth Vader who was really just a big disappointment.
- he then decided to train Sexy Darth Vader who was surprisingly hot for a Sith lord...ess.
- he also trained Darth Drama Queen who pursued an acting career, but was pigeonholed into Darth Vader roles.
- then he trained the dog-man from Spaceballs and created Darth Barf.
- then he trained the country singer, Mr. Brooks, to create Darth Garth.
- next he trained Darth Hitler who started off good then developed an annoying tendency to invade his allies and he also wrote a novel popular among the other sith called Mein Kumf which translates loosely to "Die, you Jedi bastards!"
- Even he retired to work as the Dark Lord of the Sith, he trained School_Days's Katsura Kotonoha, she was later known as "Evil Empress Darth Kay"
- Finally, Palpatine couldn't train anyone else, because he couldn't think of any other words that rhymed with "Darth".
[edit] Death... or is it?
Palpatine, after he had everything going for him, was stuck down in the prime of his oldness: at the age of 109, only a week before his highly anticipated spread in Vogue. His legacy was to have been a shining beacon for evil assholes everywhere. This is what makes Star Wars a tragedy: Palpatine was just trying to be popular and "gain unlimited powah".
[edit] See also
Categories: Star Wars | Axis of Evil-Doers | Jedi | Nightmares Made Flesh | JFK Assassinators | Bad guys | Old Farts | De facto rulers of the world | War criminals | Evil rulers | World domination | Sith Lords | Emperors | Politics | Lastnameless | Things that made General Grievous cough | Republicans | Attention Whores
