Popov index

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Named after the famous German professor of inebriation the Popov Index of an intoxicating substance may be calculated thusly:

Where is present drunkenness, is intoxicability, is quantity consumed, and the time elapsed before first piss.

However, being himself inebriated most of the time, Professor Popov decided that would be best represented by using the name of a nut - hence his utterly unintelligible references to "Jah, das is maken me pisched as der valnuts being...", "nein, der acorn will have become ze oak before my pants I vill be vetting mitt das kinder vasser", and "Helter Skelter hat gegiven Charles Manson gute reasons fuer das killingtod."

can also be measured by the Erofeev scale, named after Venedikt Erofeev. Measurement is similar to the Richter scale in that every one point increase raises drunkenness by factor 10.