Pornography
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“Yes please!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pornography
“In Soviet Russia, porn masturbates over YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on on Pornography
Warning: Pornography is considered to be an addictive substance in many states, and as been proven to cause cancer in the state of California, so avoid using porn in the hellish gas consumer known as California, and take caution when using or planning to use porn anywhere because someone might see you and then they'll want the porn all for themselves. Women should not handle broken or discarded porn, especially in tablet form, because it will just give them something more to complain about. Children and families are not permitted to take porn because they might learn where babies come from. Offer void in Utah (where you can have 4 wives anyway, so why would you need it, unless of course you're a muslim and bored with the multiple wives thing and need the extra stimulation...).
See snelching for the latest in sexual wizardry.
Any culturally-grounded instruction on how to do the wild thing, most typically presented in graphic or multimedia form. You will "know it when you see it," according to various U.S. Supreme Court rulings.
Porn (sometimes called Pornography--by proodish 40-year-olds and Thomas Preece--or Pr0n--by 13-year-olds on IRC) is awesome consists of pictures of naked people who touch other naked people. It's purpose is to satisfy sad desperate individuals who touch themselves so they can shoot love goo around and go "ooooooooooooooo". This stimulation makes them feel excited and they think about dirty things like a white horse falling into a muddy puddle or Tom Cruise in the nude with his Scientologist priest. The word pornography comes from the term "Police Officers Running Naked On Guard Rails And Prince Harry's Yard", but has now become better known as naked people in general. Porn has been accredited by the U.S. Surgeon General. George Bush has been quoted for saying "Pornography is better than my lady bush!". We all think of porn. Harry Potter thinks of Ron Weasley as being his personal pornstar.
Attempts to make sure that everyone in the world has their fair share of porn have been made by organizations such as International Fund for Porn, Porn Aid, (and for the black community) the United Negro Porn Fund.
The Internet was designed by the US military and some universities to supply our soldiers with Porn. But in the near past some people that were addicted to the Dark Side abused the internet to distribute free information, open source software, and other bad and devastating things. Whenever an American child stumbles across porn, a head is sure to asplode, a process similar to exploding, but messier and requires sawdust and babies to clean up. This is not to be confused with the the adult reaction,where the head of the penis explodes in a messy shower of cum while pigs lick their prostate.
An interesting definition for porn is: any picture or video you suddenly lose interest in after masturbating.
In some countries, especially in the Soviet Onion, porn is defined as "the fornication between two carrots and a cantaloupe at midnight". At every new year, Soviet Onionians host a midnight celebration in which they hope to witness the fornication between two carrots and a cantaloupe. Everyone who shows up brings two carrots and a cantoloupe, but eat them out shortly after nidnight, as no one to date has witnessed this specticle and anyone who has been rumored to have witnessed it is dead. Still, Soviet Onionians anticipate the day when they will get to watch the erotic pornographic fornication of the two carrots and the cantoloupe at midnight and have wild harcore sex shortly thereafter.
tl;dr
For the more typical kind of porn, please see below.
[edit] Variations
Pornography varies greatly from place to place, but main genres include: softcore, hardcore, post-hardcore,albacore, child pornography, Catholic schoolboys, cheerleaders, 30-year olds trying to pass off as just-turned 18-year olds, Hilary Duff, hentai/yaoi/furry, and bestiality/bestiality. Whatever the way its's made. PORN IS GOOOD!!!
[edit] Softcore Pornography
Softcore is the type of porn most commonly found on your TV on channels such as Skinimax. Unlike hardcore pornography, softcore does not feature "the good stuff." A typical trait common of softcore porn is that it involves actresses over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still hot in one last futile shot at the fame which has always failed them. This is the type of porn guys pretend to like because they don’t want to admit to anyone that the porn they actually prefer has tons of penises in it. Instead of the common penis the participants in softcore pornography have to use their germ-ridden fingers for stimulation also making softcore porn the most dangerous form of pornography due to the large risk of catching something from other participants (if any) or from yourself if you had, perhaps, just been for a dump.
Softcore porn is often seen as the most hated category as people who don't like porn do not like it and people who do like porn do not like it either. Occasionally it is granted an artistic merit by washed up film critics over 30, desperately clinging to the hope that they are still (commercially) hot in one last futile shot at the fame which has always failed them.
[edit] Deathcore Pornography
Involvs The Sucking Of a mans meat
[edit] Albacore Pornography
Also listed as the "hottest type of porn" on Barney's Scale of Super-De-Duper Popularity, albacore pornography exclusively features hot sex with Jessica Alba. It is known for its addictiveness, which causes frantic masturbation amongst males from 12 years old to 3 years after death. Watching albacore porn has been known to get men so excited that their penises would asplode, and following the 2005 release of the albacore flick "Fantastic Foursome," warning labels were put on DVD covers.
[edit] Lesbian
Lesbian porn is porn that is either intended for lesbians or men who don't like porn with penises and think softcore isn't good enough. Lesbian porn has been on the rise because guys think anything with a penis in it is gay so they turn to this. Screenwriters of lesbian porn like to think that women like to suck on dildos for some reason. Having said that, girl on girl with a strap on dildo is teh hottest thing evah
[edit] Porn Stars
The porn star is a regular participant in pornographic materials. Grown in special underground vats in Arizona, the porn star is genetically engineered (in the case of females) to store all body fat in the boobs and to grow no body hair. The vagina of a female porn star actually contains negative hair, microscopic nanobots that will consume hair, children, Mormons, and other pests upon contact. The male porn star, meanwhile, is designed to carry a penis so large that upon obtaining erection, the porn star will immediately pass out from low blood pressure elsewhere in his body, and can only be revived from playing a mixture of Barney and Fox News. Unfortunately for the porn stars, they are also designed to crave companionship, but since they are filthy disease factories, they will inevitably kill anyone they fuck. As a result, most porn stars resort to partnering with enormous objects, leading to instances such as goatse and Bill O'Reilly.
A list of famous porn stars
- Michelle Malkin, who is also a race traitor.
[edit] Catholic Schoolboys
Preferred by most single males in the religious workplace and pop superstars, for sexual self-gratification has skyrocketed by a whopping 147% since 2004, with the re-opening of the Michael Jackson trial. Considered to be taboo by many other religions, the act of child molestation has been widely accepted as necessary throughout the Flying Spaghetti Monster faith.
[edit] Cheerleaders
Where it's common knowledge that spelling words and catch-phrases during sex enhances pleasure, nobody can do it better than cheerleaders. Usually members of a dorm who are exposing themselves strictly to pay their tuition, they usually have a close, attractive friend who is also willing to expose themselves over the internet in preforming false lesbianism for an audience of mainly 47-year old balding virgins (without getting paid themselves), the cheerleader often ends up enjoying the sexual exploitation provided by masturbating over a $12 Labtec webcam. A cheerleaders' diets consist mainly of flavored lubricant and the occasional celery stick.
[edit] Hilary Duff (Rhymes with muff)
Teen hottie Hilary Duff has been widely accepted as the loosest and most attractive tv porn starlet since John Kerry, and has an incredibly large fan following, despite her only being 14 and a half. Usually seen masturbating with a coat hanger in Zellers commercials, young Hilary enjoys playful romps through the sac, surfing and patty-cake. Hourly rate: $10.00.
Duff reportedly earned a significant secondary income by becoming an official sponsor of "Duff" beer. The name similarity is a complete coincidence. As compensation, the Duff Corporation purchased Ms. Duff a third nipple which was surgically implanted on top of her head. Interestingly, that third nipple reportedly dispenses Duff beer in copious quantities, although the beverage is very light and airy, possibly as a result of the vacuum that exists in Ms. Duff's cranial cavity.
[edit] Beastiality/Bestiality
Not to be confused with dog porn, Bestiality, sometimes misspelt as Beastiality or wanna lick lipstick dog dick (try saying that drunk), is the act of human sex with a non-homo sapiens animal. Popular specimens include: the horse, snake, eel, dog, sheep, Californians and Michael Jackson. Mostly performed for shock value, strange or a cash prize. Be careful not to offend: those who perform this act like to call it "inter-species erotica, fucko."
Leviticus 18:23 "Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it; that is a perversion, For fuck's sake will you stop having sex with my animals. If you're in the mood, have a wank. And don't you dare stick that thing in that squid".
[edit] Why Pornography?
“I guess what I'm trying to say is, if she tastes good, do her.”
~ Cthulhu on Relationships
With the growing increase of Self Pleasure, rape, sluttiness and generally feeling horny, pornography seems to be the answer to everything these days. Besides, why go out and make something of yourself when you can be vigorously stroking your penis or clitoris, belittling women or catching exotic genital diseases? The fact is that pornography encourages these acts. And since they are natural urges, they are encouraged, and sometimes even taxed. Take Canada's Pornographic & Sexuality Tax (PST) or Genital Stimulation Tax (GST) for example.sex porn dick in vagina
[edit] Religious Attitudes to Pornography
Generally, we think it's fantastic frowned upon .
[edit] Appearing in Porn
“Seriously - how many girls has this man fucked without ANY protection?Anyone heard of HIV?”
~ random smart guy on Pornstars
“If they're in the porn-industry, I infer that they have it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on HIV
According to the Guild of American Porno Photographers, the following rules must be complied with at all times:
- Porn actresses must be fine as hell and not older than 19. OK, 20 if they're in MILF porn.
- It is mandatory for porn actresses to be either bi or lesbian.
- Lingerie is simply not sexy and must be removed as quickly as possible.
- Pasty white 40-year old flesh, as much as possible, is not highly erotic, and shouldn't be shown in such warty close-up detail that even the goldfish on top of the TV are scared. On the other hand, if it's older than 60 it is universally regarded as highly erotic most likely because old people are more fertile.
- The subterranean/behind-the-guy's-ass view must be on the screen for a minimum of 95% of every Anabolic or Justin Slayer Productions scene.
- As soon as any sexual activity starts in a porn movie, all pretence at following a plot must be abandoned, along with every shred of clothing (remember, lingerie ≠ sexy). High heels are the sole exception to this rule, due to intense pressure from the powerful international podiatrist lobby.
- Stills internet pornography must feature 200 shots which only slightly vary from each other.
- Presidential International Export Control Orders (PURN II) stipulate that US porn must always be at least ten per cent below the 'extreme serious threshold' of German pornography.
- Girl's Gone Wild are effing hot
- Free pornography does not exist. Googling the phrase 'free porn' will get you absolutely nowhere.
- Paris Hilton porn is full of cock.
- Sales and marketing material must always be less than ten per cent indicative on contents, and this applies to pack shots of models too.
- Every American must, by law, have enough porn underneath their beds to sustain an erection until they die.
- All porn actresses must go through 4 years of corrective acting school where they are taught by Ben Affleck how to be unemotive and how to give head.
- All male porn actors must sport a mustache or marines haircut and leave their socks on during the good bits. If Italian, they may dispense with the mustache and socks; however, they must be middle-aged, balding, and must leave their underwear on for God's sake.
- Every fake celebrity nude page on the Internet must feature at least one "trick" thumbnail which, when clicked, displays a shot of the celebrity as morbidly obese or with a hideous face. This is necessary in order to allow the viewer's penis to rest and prevent erectile explosion.
- None of the above applies to celebrities.
- According to Newton's Fourth Law of Pornography, the wobbliness of the boobies is directly proportional to the perversity of the act performed. Unfortunately, the first three laws were destroyed in the Great Internet History Deletion (creation of the universe) of 1970.
- If there is a black male in a porn scene he must have a penis of over 12 inches in length or average length for these male types.
- If there is an extremely hot girl in a porn scene the balance must be restored by making a 69 year old man fuck her.
- While pretending to orgasm, a girl must maintain a word to swear ratio of at least 1:17 respectively
[edit] Porn Production
A porn production usually consists of a larger team of professional movie-makers. A divide often used on Porn sets is a dundle, and one thing you hear quite often is the phrase: "Hey honey, could you fluff that Dundle for me?".
[edit] Microsoft's Contributions to Porn
Microsoft is known for its generous contributions to the Porn aid program. Their revolutionary Internet Explorer offers a platform for porn producers around the world to showcase their latest products. To maximize exposure to these products, Microsoft has kindly agreed to allow porn websites to produce so-called popups and popunders, to make sure even the most inexperienced internet users can find porn. Also Microsoft helps the user getting his daily dose of fine porn by installing Spyware which randomly displays nifty images of hot females interacting with dogs. This is especially true if your boss is looking over your shoulders. Yeah right, I don't know where that came from either.
Some claim that Bill Gates actually invented porn. It is even speculated that he is creating a new generation of pornography in his new secret labaratory in Colorado, which he purchased (see Nike Revolution). It will allow the user to change all camera angles and view setups using the new GUI controls in Microsoft Vista. A new Porn folder is available in Windows Vista under: C:\Users\<Username>\Pornography
Microsoft have recently publish a guide to hiding porn and guide to jerking in front of the PC, some examples includes:
1. Ceate a folder in c:/windows/system and name it something computer illiterate people find scary. Use words like 'protocol_21' or 'tcp_settings' or 'backUpOffMyPr0nBiatch'.
2. Load it plum full of your favorite jerkoff material.
3. In your 'Windows Folder Options,' uncheck the box next to 'hide known file extensions.'
4. Rename the files and give them new extensions. It helps to have a system where you know what extension to change the name back to. What I do is reverse it. (i.e. 'mpg' renames to 'gpm', avi to iva, etc...)
Having a huge collection, it will suck to go through and rename each file one at a time. To change multiple filenames at once, open command prompt and use this line:
c:/windows/system/_protocol rename *.mpg *.gpm rename *.avi *.iva rename *.asf *.fsa
Parents or guardians who even manage to find the "sacred folder", will see a bunch of esoteric system files instead of 'Granny Tranny' and 'Midget Digits.' That's how it's done.
[edit] Morality and responsibility aspects of porn
Porn is also known as the only true way of defining love, morality and responsibility. Without porn there wouldn't be anything good to speak about. Thanks to Porn aid, morality has increased with over 230% the last 3 months (2004-01-12, Time magazine publishing #4328) and as mentioned before, helps people from starving. It is also better than all religion, why not.
[edit] Educational aspects
- Main article: Educational aspects of porn
Porn is widely used as the principal means of sexual education for young adolescents. This is a convenient way for parents and teachers to avoid answering embarrassing questions such as "Why does my peepee itch?", "Why does Timmy keep staring at my chest?" and "What happened to all the kittens?"
[edit] Amount of porn
Contrary to Popular Belief, only three porn movies have been made since the discovery of porn in the 1950s. Since all the porn looks the same, people have been fooled for decades by simply changing the names of these movies and then circulating them as new. The most famous of these is Deepthroat who has only lately revealed his own identity. The famous deepthroat revealing none-other than himself (!!!), strangely to find his name to be "John Smith"!!
Another commonly used trick is to change the aspect ratio of the movie and selling it as midget and fatty porn.
Porn is also a form of cotton candy used to decrease sex appeal to male elephants. Female elephants take this lusterous material straight from alien space craft that just happen to get too close to the herd. They then use their trunks to wash themselves with it. The result is that male elephants will completely avoid the female, therefore letting the female elephant avoid the pains of parenthood and birth.
Interesting fact, though, 99.4% of the internet is porn... In fact, you're watching porn right now:
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[edit] The 35 Axioms of Sexual Intercourse, as Evidenced in Porn
- Women wear high heels to bed.
- Men are never impotent.
- When "going down" on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
- If a woman gets caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment; instead she will insist he have sex with her.
- Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
- Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
- Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
- WOMEN SCREAM AND GRAB THE MAN'S ASS CLOSER TOWARDS THEM. causing more moaning.
- Women always orgasm when men do.
- All women are noisy cummers; often they will announce when it is happening.
- People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
- Those tits are real. Period.
- A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. Spanking is also a turn-on.
- Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
- If there are two of Men present, they will "high five" each other. (and the girl won't be disgusted!)
- Double penetration makes women smile.
- Asian men don't exist.
- If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't beat you to death if you shove your penis in his girlfriend's mouth.
- There's never a plot.
- When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
- Nurses tend to suck patients' cocks as an exam method.
- Men always pull out, and can hold until the money shot.
- When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before joining both of you.
- Women never have headaches... or periods.
- When a woman is sucking off a man, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it", lest she forget what she is doing.
- Anuses are perpetually clean.
- Everyone's penis is bigger than yours.
- Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a penis there.
- When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
- A Penis joke is an appropriate lead-in to the so-called "nasty".
- Geeks never have to beg.
- Every girl on the planet is bi
- When women are having their last orgasm, it's important to show a close-up of the man's face for all of it.
- Pubic hair is just a myth.
- sleeping is discouraged unless you're over 65
[edit] See also
- Wikiporno - The Free Porn Directory
- Google search for porn
- Gay porn
- Jenna Jameson
- Ron Jeremy
- Post-masturbatory depression
- Sex
- Oral sex
- Erotica
- Battle of the Sexes
- The Internet
- Google Images
- Crack
- Child Pornography
- Buttsecks
- Pounding bat sodomy
- Alien Porn
- Metaporn
- Prawnography
- Hentai
- Porno Titles That Should Exist, But Don't
- ...You may wish to engage in a Cold Shower afterwards.
One last note: pornography is usually pornographic
| The Seven Deadly Sins |
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Greed - Wrath - Gluttony - Pornography - Envy - Indifference - SPAM |
| How can you even think of such things? |
