Portland, Oregon
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“Maine or Oregon?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Portland
“I now build my statue here, because hippies no care...”
~ Chairman Mao on Portland
Portland is the coolest city in the world; which is not to be confused with the second coolest city in the world Eugene, Oregon.
P-town is located deep within The Forest That Nobody Cares About. The city is known for each and every resident having a cell phone and iPod, and for the unhealthy level of coffee consumption - 12.3 liters per capita per day. Portland is also the Seagull capital of the world. It's name was copied by fucking yanks who copied every other name in their country, the United States of and so on.... from the Isle of Portland, in Britain.
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[edit] People
It would be unfair to generalise and suggest that the people of Portland are unsophisticated despite evidence to the contrary such as
| The people in Portland are fucking awesome and know how to have a good time- If you know what i mean. 0_0...Were like New Yorkers but cooler and aren't such assholes. Oh ya, and the guy who made "Party like a Rock Star" was born here. Really!I promise! |
so we won't.
[edit] History
[edit] Early Days
Portland was originally discovered in 1806 by Meriwether Lewis and William Hung on their famous 'Voyage of Discovery' to search for the Northwest Passage. At the time of this discovery, Portland was peacefully inhabited by indigenous peoples, such as Hippies and Goths. Most of them were exterminated by the various exotic diseases brought into the area by the evil white explorers such as smallpox, syphilis, and democracy.
A minor controversy arose when it came time to name the city. Prominent citizen Jebediah Springfield wanted to name the city Portland, after his hometown in Maine while the sheriff Mark Hatfield wanted to name the city Chamique. The impasse was broken after a lengthy game of Axis & Allies from which Springfield emerged victorious. Hatfeild went on to challenge Springfeild again, this time in the steel cage, but was disqualifyed when his manager "Captain" Lou Albano struck Springfeild with a table leg.
Modern historians have, generally speaking reached a consensus in their understanding of the demographics of Portland in the early days. An except from a recently published study is shown below.
| Clinker | Mass% | Cement | Mass% |
| Tricalcium silicate (CaO)3.SiO2, C3S | 45-75% | Calcium oxide, CaO, C | 61-67% |
| Dicalcium silicate (CaO)2.SiO2, C2S | 7-32% | Silicon oxide, SiO2, S | 19-23% |
| Tricalcium aluminate (CaO)3.Al2O3, C3A | 0-13% | Aluminium oxide, Al2O3, A | 2.5-6% |
| Tetracalcium aluminoferrite (CaO)4.Al2O3.Fe2O3, C4AF | 0-18% | Ferric oxide, Fe2O3, F | 0-6% |
| Gypsum CaSO4 | 2-10% | Sulfate SO4 |
Following the settlement of the area by evil white settlers, Portland quickly grew from a backwater trading post into a backwater roadside attraction. The fortunes of Portland began to change, however, in 1839 with the discovery of trees in the hills surrounding the city. The Great Tree Rush of 1839 was on, bringing with it a massive influx of lumberjacks, most of whom followed the newly-constructed Oregon Trail, avoiding Interstate 5 because, you know, traffic there sucked that time of day.
[edit] Problems Mount
The massive influx of lumberjacks brought with it a host of problems. Between 1839 and 1847, flapjack-related deaths increased at a yearly rate of 500%. In addition, the lumberjacks brought with them strange new ways, such as using public water fountains as bidets, and therefore had problems assimilating into the local culture of the evil white people.
Tensions between locals and the immigrant lumberjacks mounted until 1849, when the lumberjacks mistkenly cut down the city's tallest tree (342 ft tall). Outraged locals began slaughtering the lumberjacks by the thousands. Many lumberjacks escaped Portland, resettling in Salem. Although this part of early Portland history (along with all the rest of it) is largely forgotten by Portlanders, it is sometimes cited as a major cause of the present animosity between Portlanders and the timber industry.
[edit] Modern History
Portland was the major port in the Pacific Northwest for much of the 19th century, until Babe Ruth was traded to the Yankees. Portland gradually declined starting in the 1920s when direct railroad access between the deepwater harbor in Seattle and points east by way of Stampede Pass were built.
Following the fiasco of the 1932 World's Fair (total attendance: zero), Portland was closed and most of its population relocated to Oklahoma. World War II saw the city's takeover by the Russian Navy, who used it as a distribution center for tea towels.
Since then the city has had to concentrate on less conventional exports such as marijuana, computer processors, Christmas trees, and marijuana.
[edit] Slavery
Portland, OR is one of the few places in the USA where slavery is still legal although Nike have always denied these allegations. African=Americans living in Portland are subject to offer their basketball services to the Portland Trailblazers. If one's skills are sufficient they can then earn enough money to live alongside the white people. If there is one thing Portlanders fear more than anything, it's a black man asking them for money on Burnshide street. If slaves are being "too black" they are sometimes traded to the New York Knicks which is something of a haven for African-Americans.
[edit] Beards
Males born in Portland are either born with a full beard and/or a lisp, regardless of their sexual orientation.
[edit] Politics
[edit] Political Parties
Politics in Portland are dominated by two major parties: Starbucks and Coffee People. Starbucks partisans are known for wanting to save the trees, driving Hondas, loving Seattle, playing soccer, wearing goatees and by paying five dollars for a cup of slave picked coffee. Stabucks' most popular varietal coffee blend is Kofi Annan. Coffee People members are known for wanting to save the whales, driving Toyotas, hating Seattle, watching baseball, and wearing full beards. Their best-selling blend is Sinsemilla Munchee.
In the year of 2006 (2006 CE), a coup was staged by the Starbucks party. There were no survivors among the leaders of the Coffee People party. The free-lovin' reprecussions of these actions are yet to be discovered, although local Starbucks have recently introduced a new blend, Soylent Red.
One remaining member of the Coffee People tribe remains and spends her days hiding in the Portland airport. Safe from the Starbuck, who isn't allowed past TSA security; for reasons pertaining to explosive diarrhea.
[edit] Elected Officials
Mayor Tom Potter (a lot, a little or no relation to Harry Potter [they might actually be the same person] ) , a Starbuck, won a bitterly contested election against Coffee Person Richard Daley in 2004. Potter prevailed by limiting campaign contributions to $5 per person, organizing a grass-roots canvas of the entire city, and handing out free kittens.
Other notable elected officials include Michael Moore and Lance Armstrong on the city council and Osama bin Laden on the school board.
[edit] Police Controversy
The Portland Police(po-po) have been engulfed in controversy due to their Negro Shoot-to-kill policy. Since the policy was implemented in 1995, police in the Rose City have shot and killed 785 people. Of those, 784 were black and the other one "sorta looked black" to officers. The killings, however, have caused great outrage and sparked riots in the white community (partly because many residents of Portland regarded Negros as mythical creatures having never seen one personally) and at least one formal written complaint from surviving remnants of Portland's black community. However, these shootings have all been justified by the Police bureau since in each instance the perpetrator was carrying one of the following deadly weapons: letter opener, box cutter, keys, pick comb, driver's license, teeth, and socks. Normally, the police in this city are only visible in groups of 3 or 4 at the most but during a huge waterfront protest, columns of police cavalry are visible trotting towards the hippies and "anarchists"(anarchist in this case is a simile for middle class white kid who dresses in black and ruins a peaceful protest by throwing feces and being generally retarded). During protests, bycicle officers can also be seen swarming on street corners punching people who look like my brother in the faces (it's not police brutality if they deserve it) and ignoring the drug dealers freaking fleeing waterfront in fear of the huge crowds of pigs this sentence no period
Police reassured the public by putting neon lettering on many of their stations in a really quite fetching shade of blue.
[edit] Public Transportation
Portland boasts a comprehensive public transportation system known as Tri-Met. Busses, light-rail trains, streetcars, freak-bikes, horses, and jet packs operated by public employees cover nearly every destination in the metropolitan area. Tri-Met is designed specifically with the needs of drug dealers, petty thieves and hobos in mind. The buses and trains provide an ideal drug distribution network. They also ferry rich people into poorer areas of the city, bringing a mugger's business to his door-step. Additionally, all Tri-Met vehicles are air-conditioned, which makes them a perfect place for the city's homeless to beat the heat. However, since Portland has one of the highest bicycle to homeless person ratios in the nation, homeless people seldom use the facilities.
In 2005 Tri-Met celebrated the fact that public transportation-caused deaths slipped to third place on the list of most common causes of death in Portland, preceded by police shootings and caffeine overdoses. Bus and train-related deaths had skyrocketed in previous years. City officials became particularly concerned after each driver began painting a pedestrian on his or her vehicle for each person killed. Tri-Met turned back the tide in 2002 by making the Employee of the Month award based solely on who had the fewest kills that month. So far the record is held by Bob Cockman, who killed only 22 people in June of 2006.
Unlike many other cities in the US, the people of Portland use a radical technology for transportation which scientists refer to technically as 'legs'. Evidence suggests that this technology may have been invented by Nike, a major employer in the area perhaps most famous for inventing feet. Local dyslexic Christian frequent flyer groups based (mostly) in Maine have however challenged this pointing to Intelligent Design as a way of proving that 'evidence' is the devils merps. Some critics have argued that "it's all part of an evil scheme to enslave the developing world and force everyone to wear shoes" [2]. An Adidas spokesperson recently suggested during an interview at their Portland office that the left foot was actually invented in Germany by an Adidas designer many years before Nike. An out of court settlement is expected.
[edit] Religion
Although all non-Elvis based religions are officially banned in Portland, local authorities do issue permits on a case by case basis as 'it's only a bit of fun'. Consequently a number of churches have sprung up. Attendance and popularity is largely dependent on how funny or eye catching the sign outside the church is. This has led to an arms race between competing churchs. In one famous case a church previously known for it's hilarious signs that often started with 'My mother in law' etc or 'Fat ? He was so fat that' etc recently and famously escalated to a putting a sign outside that said 'Jesus had a big cock'. This was, of course, meant to be a hilarious play on words about the size of the holy penis and that thing about the male chicken thing in the garden before jesus got nailed to that bit of wood in that book, you know, that big book with all the writing and stuff.
[edit] Trivia
- Everyone in rural Oregon and Vancouver, Washington HATES Portland, because they're jealous- rural Oregon is poor and full of hillbillies, and Vancouver tried to build itself as a BETTER version of Portland... but it ""FAILED. MISERABLY.""
- Portland has more strip clubs per head of population than anywhere else in the US. Take that San Fransisco!
- As well as strip clubs, Portland has more Adult-rated facilities per square mile than any other city in the nation.
- Based on the statistics gathered by analyzing the number of web searches per city based on the subjects of the searches, it appears that Portland has the largest number of furs per capita of any city in the world.
- The Unitarian Universalist religion held its 2007 General Assembly in Portland to try to attract more furs into the religion.
- The hottest man in the world, This Guy, went to high school in Portland.
- There is a huge statue of Chairman Mao, because they are ya know like free spirits man and ya know, like the government is just ya know like, ya know a Nazi or something, dude pass the grass...
- Home town of Bucky the wonder elk.
- Home town of The dandy warhols
- Nobody dissolved in the Willamette River in 1989 and 2003.
- Many curbside vendors sell Portland's signature dish: the deep fried banana slug (smooth and crunchy varieties)!
- home of some of the dumbest pot dealers in the world (i.e. the ones that walk down waterfront yelling "nugs, nug for a dollar and brandishing their illicit merchandise in full view of police officers).
- Portland is full of Asian tourists (Japanese? who knows) pointing and taking pictures of literally everything. apparently they have no heroin dealers or tall buildings in Asia
- pot goes for up to 55 dollars for 3.5 grams Acupulo gold.
- The city will pay you to start an indie rock band
[edit] Nicknames
In the early days, Portland had a lot of trees and was very popular with loggers, thus earning the official nickname "The Rose City." Portland has a number of unofficial nicknames as well.
- Bridge Town
- Brew City
- Brew City
- P-Town
- Pot-Land
- P-Sex
- Smugtown
- The People's Republic of Portland
- P-Diddy
- Seattle
- James Taylor
- Coolsville
- Greener-Than-Green-Land
- Afternoon Delight
- The 1932 World's Fair Fiasco City
- Comcastic
- Pornland
- Those guys who smelled like Nirvana but weren't Nirvana so Nirvana kicked them royally in the Nirvana
- Thrudheim
^^this guy pays 55 dollars an eighth for weed. he doesn't know his way around Portland
- Portland is occasionally known as California's Canada and Washington's Mexico
[edit] Professional sports
Though Portland is not considered a "sports town" by many, it is home to several franchises:
- The Portland Trail Blazers
- The Portland Trail Blazers drug rehab programme
- The Portland Nudesters competitive striptease
- The Portland Timbers
- The Indianapolis Colts
- N'SYNC
- The United States Congress
- The Salem Meta-Dragons, Portlands D&D team
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