Portsmouth
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“What's the difference between Portsmouth and a toilet? You can flush a toilet.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Portsmouth
“I looked in a mirror and saw a piece of shit, then i relased it don't have showers.”
~ Fred Dineage on Himself
Portsmouth (aka Pompey innit mush) is the most inbred city in England. It features some painstaking maritime traditions, half human/half squid prostitutes, and a practically non-existent education system. It is a little known fact that suicide is at a very low rate in Portsmouth, yet the murder rate (mainly racial) is higher than the whole of the United States of America, so much so that a child born of mixed race will choke itself with it's umbilical cord upon self-actualization. Famous for its rivalry with the neighboring city of Southampton.
In 2006, Portsmouth City Council finally erected the Spinnaker tower to prove to the inhabitant proletariats that the height of the sky is possibly larger than the 5th floor of their council flat. As a result, this led fatalities caused by nonchalantly walking into lamposts from staring upwards to rise by 250%.
People from Portsmouth are known as "skates", only to people of neighbouring Southampton. This derives from people in council estates in Southampton being bitter at Portsmouth due to them being better in almost every way.
The Special Olympics also owes its genesis to Portsmouth. When the Olympic committee passed through Portsmouth one day, they thought it was unfair that people from Portsmouth were far outclassing other local cities, thus the Special Olympics was born to accomadate the rest of Hampshire.
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[edit] Education
A survey taken back in 2005 showed that 96% of the residents of Portsmouth took a simple IQ test and actually passed. The remaining 4% were from Southampton. Ambition is quite high however, as the vast majority of residents have the life goal of being a doctor or a lawyer, which was deemed more important than trying to be hard on uncyclopedia.
Portsmouth has also recently erected 'it's' (while making a comment about how stupid people are please ensure grammar is correct) own university, which boasts a myriad of highly unnecessary courses offering degrees which are not even worth the paper they are printed on, ranging from Harry Redknapp studies, to Pikey psychology. Amongst the exotic quotient of pupils are a large smattering of Japanese. They are so modest and polite that the local rabble-rousers can only retreat in confusion after attempting to bate the foreign visitors into a bottle fight. Portsmouth people might tell you that the presence of their otherwise non-existent university now constitutes the grief-hole as an otherwise "clever" place to be. Having said that, Hull has it's own university as well.
The term "NFP" to mean a person of low intelligence is also derived from Portsmouth, as NFP actually stands for "Not from Portsmouth". In Portsmouth there is a school called Milton Cross, which has a 45% A-C pass rate for the "GCSE" tests, higher than almost 50% of all Southampton secondary schools. This is thought to be because the average secondary school student in Southampton spends all their free time editing the uncyclopedia article on Portsmouth. Or, even more likely, they were born and reside in Portsmouth, are puzzled about the Southampton references, choose to stay in Portsmouth and are not beyond the self-depracating humour for which the national psyche is famed. A little ribbing about one's home town (Portsmouth) is healthy and rather than expose some disdain, it can indicate a strong attachment and pride to the place. Over and out.
[edit] Transport
Portsmouth is connected to the rest of the South Coast via the M27. Portsmouth has no airport as planes are likely to be crashed once a veritable volley of rocks is hurled by the residents as they are unsure as to why a large steel pigeon is descending on their haggard landscape. It is very difficult to get to the centre of the city due to congestion, but as roads are blocked by cars for long periods of time, parking on them is easy as you might as well leave your car in the middle of the road. Many people do this but parking wardens have a tendency to wheel-clamp any motorist who does that in a desperate attempt to get Argos vouchers. As a result, the congestion gets worse during which time many cars are attacked by local chavs.
There are numerous "Out of City" signs detailing every available escape route out which were implemented as a method of health and safety. When the railway was first built, the station was built in Gosport because of the railway company being too scared to go into the city itself (well who could blame them?). Later they did, and designed the railway so that the railway ended on a pier. This may have been done so that they could get trains to arrive at top speed and crash into the sea and drown all the passengers - a fate much better than going into the city.
[edit] Tourism
There are no real points of interest within Portsmouth which results in an extreme lack of tourism. However, visitors can obtain a map drawn with potato prints which details the various warzones within the city limits. There are stalls and shops which sell commemorative blunt throwing objects all of which are able to result in instant comatose. Portsmouth does however have a large fish market where there are rows of shops which display a wide array of different kinds of fish for sale. This is the red light district of Portsmouth. Plus who would want to go to Portsmouth in the first place!!!
Having said that, if you do accidentally find yourself in Portsmouth, perhaps to wave a loved one off as his ship departs for more exotic warzones, do consider the local cuisine. There is a wide variety of choice - usually salmonella or botulism, although E.coli is making surprising headway. And special mention must go the The Guildhall Steps. It is rumoured, although never proved, that the steps of the magnificent Guildhall were once the site of a red light district. Whatever the truth, if a local woman makes a muted comment about the small amount of money in her purse, there will always be a coven of cackling harridans nearby urging her to ply her wares on The Guildhall Steps.
And let's not forget another great local curio, the Mary Rose. That fine Tudor flagship sunk in the Solent whilst Henry VIII watched aghast from Southsea beach. Even in the fifteenth century, the same tawdry amusements were littered across the Esplanade, and legend has it that old Hal consoled himself with a burger and coke, whilst the locals had already plundered the waterlogged coffers of the ship and were frantically cramming the salvaged coins into numerous slot machines on shore in order to win a tacky sundial.
[edit] Religion
One in three skates is a devout worshipper "Haroldism". This can only be assumed that they misinterpreted the line "Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name." The other two thirds spend their sunday mornings declaring holy jihad upon neighbours despite being jewish. There was an argument some time ago that Jesus was from Portsmouth. This was based on the fact he had no idea who his father was, never really had a job, and right before he died asked everyone to remember him every time they consumed wine. Historians show however that this is completely false as Jesus couldn't possibly come from Portsmouth as he was celibate.
[edit] Celebrities
The only people who actually carry any degree of integrity and social awareness are considered to be celebrities in Portsmouth. Such well known people include Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy to name a few. Anyone who has made something of their life and moved away from the area usually neglects to mention their Pompey origins and claims asylum in any habitable settlement. The only "celebrity" to come out of Portsmouth is Fred Dineage, who is a television host. Fred Dineage regularly splurts his anti-Southampton propaganda on the evening news and frequently shows his lack of intelligence on a regular basis. While constantly referring to Portsmouth being like Sardinia, this Portsmouth local again is showing the NFP trait when what he clearly means is Portsmouth is like Sarajevo.
Isambard Kingdom Brunel - the celebrated engineer was born in Portsmouth. But only because his father was grudgingly there to finish a work project. For some reason, once the project was finished, Mr and Mrs Brunel and young Isambard high-tailed it out of there.
Arthur Conan Doyle - the creator of Sherlock Holmes was not born in Portsmouth. But he lived in the city briefly when he set up a medical practice. Unfortunately his field of knowledge did not stretch to stanley knife wounds or skatus vaginismus, which ensured he was hungry, unemployed and bored for much of his time in Portsmouth. This forced inertia spurred him on to create the Baker Street detective and Conan Doyle subsequently acquired so much fame and wealth that he was able to leave Portsmouth forever. So he did. However, his fondness for Portsmouth women inspired him to write the Hound of the Baskervilles, arguably his finest work.
Horatio Nelson was actually from East Anglia and only visited the terra firma of Portsmouth to jump on and off HMS Victory. It was never a pleasant ordeal for him to fight his way through Hag and Pickpocketsville to reach the gangplank. On one occasion his arm was stanley knifed-off and another resulted in the loss of an eye. If the technology had been available, it's certain that the brave Admiral would have preferred to be airlifted onto his ship once it was clear of Portsmouth Harbour.
Charles Dickens is also a celebrity heavyweight whose name is often desperately applied to be synonymous with Portsmouth. Mr Dickens was born on Portsea Island, that's true. However he moved away at the age of 5 and never returned
Can you see a pattern emerging here?
[edit] Language
The vast majority of Portsmouth residents communicate using clicks and spoons. While the English language is taught in some schools, most communication is either maintained using the aforementioned susurrations or pelting bricks and rubble at one another. While it has been known for a spoken language to be heard in Portsmouth, 90% of the time the sound of fists making contact with faces are heard. There are numerous words peculiar to the population of Portsmouth and will leave most people north of Leigh Park and west of Gosport severely nonplussed. These include:
Dinlo - A stupid person. That means a person so stupid that even a person from Portsmouth has to comment on it.
Mush - It's like calling someone "mate" or "chum".
Weeee - an exclamation used to denote surprise. Portsmouth has a university? Weeee....
Squinny - To weep. If you find yourself holidaying in Portsmouth, you will be squinnying within the hour.
In a cop - In a bad mood.
Dain Tain - Down Town, apparently.
'kinsillykay - a female from Portsmouth summarising her opinion of another local female.
[edit] Portsmouth FC
Portsmouth Football Club throughout their tenure in professional football have been an overachieving, mediocre club. In 2005, Russian Warlord Alexandre Gaydamak bought out the club, being able to finance them with money made in arms deals to Angolan rebels and human trafficking in the middle east. This proved to be a mutually beneficial endeavour as in parallel to the deal, every ethnic minority in Portsmouth who is brutally murdered earns £1,000 for the club. Since then, Portsmouth's wealth has rivalled Roman Abramovich. To the dismay of the partizan supporters, Hairy Redknapp aka match fixer has bought and influx of foreign players who are regularly greeted at the training ground with pitchforks, flaming torches and cries of "get back to your own country you nigger".
Gaydamak's takeover of the club can be equated to Richard Branson paying £5,000,000 for a mound of steaming, grade-A, elephant faeces. While Portsmouth claim to have the best fans in the country, the remainder of England fail to classify sheer rascism and ignorance as valid support of a football team.
The average supporter is usually of the aforementioned critically low intelligence, casing point is back in 2003, when local rivals Southampton knocked Portsmouth out 2-0 at St Marys, the supporters went back to their own city and trashed it instead of cause a riot in Southampton. A survey in the Daily Mail did suggest however that Portsmouth have one of the best atmospheres at football games, but studies since have ascertained that this was a polite metaphor for the airborne broken bottles and petty cash thrown every match. In 2007 Portsmouth FC's bid to have a new 30,000+ seater stadium was declined. Sources revealed that the real excuse was not that it was too close to the navy which was said on the news, but since the city had splashed an extortionate amount of money on the Spinnaker Tower, they implemented a rule that if any piece of shit was built in Portsmouth, it could not exceed 50 square feet.
On November 28th 2007, Harry Redknapp was arrested on corruption in football charges. While most skates plead his innocence, it seems a bit suspect that Portsmouth should be exonerated since the the executive Peter Storrie and the former chairman Milan Mandaric were also arrested. While this case rages on, it does answer how overnight Portsmouth have gone from being a shit club, to a shit club with money and ridiculous aspirations.
Portsmouth have been campaigning/bribing the Navy so that they can build a new stadium on reclaimed land in the Solent. This is another example of Portsmouth stupidity as the recent fluctuations in sea levels would mean that the stadium would pretty be submerged. However, this will suit half the supporters, who are a result of aquatic molestation anyways.
[edit] Family
Family is quite a strong part of the city. Many people born in Portsmouth characteristically have a father who is actually their brother or a mother who is actually their sister. Family Planning Clinics are sparse, but the ones which are available can provide single mum's with a list of ideas to name their fatherless babies. Names are usually paradigmed on brands of champagne, members of Destiny's Child or whoever is top of the charts at the time.
[edit] The Sea
Portsmouthers like to go out to sea. This is to get as far away from Southampton as possible and who can blame them? While Portsmouth claims to be better than Southampton because it has a beach, no one wants to lie down on a plethora of jagged rocks and other assorted urban debris and go frolicking in sewage. So no, it's not really a beach is it? Environmental agencies have declared most aquatic species within the vicinity of Portsmouth to be endangered, although throughout the constant fornication of flatfish during the last seventy years, a new genus of half human/half fish people have been born in Portsmouth hospital. They now reside in Gosport and avidly follow the local team...Fareham Town.
[edit] Technology
Portsmouth is estimated to be about 60 years behind the rest of England but still has various services available. Cups and interjoining pieces of string have recently been introduced, along with paintbrushes, wheels and matchsticks. Some richer/employed people can afford to buy luxury hi-tech items such as teletext, toilet paper, bins and left handed screwdrivers.
[edit] Blades
Knives, Swords, Battle-Axes, razor Blades, and most other melee weapons are all rather dull in Portsmouth. Hitting someone with a sword in Portsmouth is a very common sight as the growing intolerance of diversity intensifies.
[edit] Fashion
Common attire seen on the Portsmouth streets are burberry caps and tracksuits. Due to the overwhelming frequency of such clothing, Portsmouth was deemed by the government as a fire hazard. Hoodies and socks tucked into trousers also make a veritable plethora of appearances, as they are useful for concealing weaponry or stolen items.
[edit] Past Times and Recreation
The Sun is also dull in Portsmouth. Even duller, in fact, than it is in the rest of England. Most Portsmouthers save some in a jar each year, releasing it on their birthday. They get a few moments of a sort of lukewarm happiness, before returning to the crushing melancholy parade that is their everyday life. The daily routine involves climbing over neighbours fences, breaking into houses and general misappropriation of property. Portsmouth has been voted the lowest place in the world for children to have fun, as all recreational parks are littered with hypodermic needles, blood stained weapons and Fred Dineage. Last Christmas, the most popular toy sold in Portsmouth was a Wooden Spoon wrapped in barbed wire called "My First Cop Killer". This the equivalent of a Playstation in Portsmouth.
[edit] Portsdown Hill
Portsdown Hill is popular spot to take a girl (usually their sister or other relation) on a date and rape her. If she consents, this is known as dogging. Friday and Saturday nights are littered with oscillating Vauxhall Corsas and Citroen Saxos, usually to the beat of that annoying Umbrella-ella-ella song. Most common Portsmouth techniques for enticing young ladies to cars is either using Rohypnol or the snooker ball/sock combination.
This chalky tumult is also home to numerous tunnels dug throughout history. Some whisper that there are bunkers crafted to give haven to the Great and Good in the event of a Third World War. However, this theory is unlikely to be true. The idea that one would willingly dodge a nuclear holocaust in order to live directly above Paulsgrove is as absurd as it is fanciful. Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire!
[edit] Future Developments
Plans to separate Portsea Island from the mainland are still in development as the rest of England attempts to distance itself from the multiplying menace of Portsmouth locals. Other ideas which are under discussion is the erection of a large power station whereby any resident within the city limits is incinerated and thus finally make a positive contribution to the people of Britain.
Update: You are several years too late. Paulsgrove and Leigh Park are situated on the mainland and are well known for adopting the Pompey way of life i.e. work hard, fight harder, all in all a short and violent one. Feel free to continue with the proposed plan since this will help to prevent residents of Portsea Island from having their cars nicked early Sunday mornings. The cars inherently turn up in Havant, torched. This being as a result of late night buses (upon sunset) services being pulled due to knives being pulled on the drivers.
[edit] Twinned Cities
Portsmouth has been twinned a few cities worldwide. In 1992, Portsmouth was twinned with Sarajevo as it became embroiled in a civil war. Since then Portsmouth has been compared to Beirut, Baghdad, Krakatoa and Kosovo. They also made an approach for Robert Mugabe to be the mayor of the city as they shared similar views on human genocide, but then realised that he wasn't caucasian.
[edit] Why do you stay in Portsmouth?
Because quite frankly the rest of England claims to be blissfully unaware of Portsmouth's existence. Whether its the acrid odour of violated fish, the bitter taste of thwarted dreams or the insurmountable language barrier, Portsmouth is widely regarded, metaphorically speaking, as a defacation facility in the middle of an bountiful Oasis. Most skates seem to think that they are superior purely due to the fact that the football team is higher in the leagues, unlike the rest of Britain who gauge it on urban squalor and the ability to walk down the road without being bottled/bum raped. The majority of retorts in reply are "well its better than being a scummer" indicate the sheer lack of eloquence and integrity, and ultimately the ability to relay a tangible argument when somebody comments on their beloved shanty town via the internet. Why stay in Portsmouth? Answer, you don't.
