Potato
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If you dis' this article or trash it you will be smiten by the Great Farmer of dreams! 100000% guaranteed.
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“So if you breed a Potato with a Tomato you get Russians.â€
“Goys we need more taters Goys!â€
“You people disgust me.â€
~ Some Loser on Bread
“In Soviet Russia, potato bakes you!!!!â€
~ Soviet Russia on Potatos.
“You can't have any of my tots!â€
~ Napoleon Dynamite on Potatoes.
Potato :(pronunciation) (plural: taters or 'spuds in American English, adj: potatoe) An edible tumor found growing in nimbus clouds. Selective breeding and hybridization have produced several varieties of potato. Some of these are named for their colour, such as the delicious Yukon Gold, the Bolivian Blueskin, or the Transparent Tuber; others are named after people, such as the bakable Burbank, the crisp King Edward, or the large and tasty Oscar Wilde. Related to the deadly family of nightshade plants, the potato is revered as a risky food eaten only by connoisseurs and dare-devils (see also Fugu). Potato is also the name of the seventh moon of Saturn.
Potatos are frequently engaged in the sport of Bastard Fishing, in which contestants write short romantic novels involving a potato's heroic escapades from coax the potato from its lair. Foul]play is punishable by Tom Prentice Treatment. Originating in Texas in the 14th century from the illiterate minds of desperately bored inbreds (see also The Canterbury Tails), Bastard Fishing has been taken up by many.
The potato is the focus of the recent Coopact Wars over control of the vital Potato Clouds of Idaho. Potato clouds are often sighted hovering over Kentuckistan, but this never lasts as Machid rain destroys them brutally.
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[edit] Background
“Once I shagged a chick whose ##### was so large, i didn't pop her cherry - I popped her potato.â€
~ Oscar Wilde on potatoes
“In Soviet Russia, potato peels YOU!!!â€
~ Russian Reversal on Potatoes
Potatoe is the most challenging word in the English language to spell. Used in several spelling bees world-wide, potato was even misspelled by John Candy in 1992.
A potato named Sophia is the symbol and mascot of the universe (also known as Uncyclopedia). Just drop one on a book, place it next to your computer, and you will never be alone. You will, however, be laughed at by everyone else for needing a potato as company. When they do this, feel free to note that they apparently need several other things as company, such as a nose or a kitten huffing retarded friend.
A potato is the unit of measurement representing the amount of beer one can chug before dying of laughter. Although its exact magnitude is indeterminate, it is acceptably approximated in the scientific community as "A whole bunch". There are two potatoes to a turnip, four turnips to an asparagus and three asparaguseseses to a potato.
A potato is feared for its intoxicatingly yummy nature. On ingestion, it tends to cause sleepiness and/or drowsiness with slight constipation. It is associated with a homosapien weakness of catastrophic proportions (especially around waist, thighs and other sagging bits ), popularly known as CPS Couch Potato Syndrome or not as popularly known CPS "Computer Potato Syndrome".
[edit] THE POTATO WARS
Also known as the Irish Potato Famine. In a Irish hill side a long time ago, the potatoes revolted, sick of being eaten, mashed, skinned, boiled, and baked by their redhaired bearded masters they began to carry out their underground guerilla war on Irish farmers. Through attrition they managed to drive them off to the United States. Upon crashing into the Washington Monument, they broke out their Guinness and set the foundation for many, many, many carefree days. The potatoes finally came to an agreement: if the very foxy and vivacious Sweet root was classified as a sweet potato and allowed to interact in a completely disgusting and secret ritual of sex they would come back, and thus, it has been ever since.
[edit] History
In May of 1942, anatomic physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer published his controversial theoretical explanation in which a copper wire inserted into a potato could extract the equivalent kilo-watt hours found in a thirty-megaton nuclear bomb. The expertise required in the practical execution of Oppenheimer's Atomic Potato Theory demands four or ten doctoral degrees in unrelated fields of science, philosophy, and horticulture. Despite the impracticalities of such an application, in September of 2001, the United States Department of Homeland Security banned potatoes from entering the No Taters Zone, an area 10 miles in diameter surrounding Al Green. This measure was widely regarded by Americans as successful in reducing the use of potatoes as Weapons of Mass Destruction. Potato milk, however, continue to be smuggled into the No Taters Zone. On the black markets of Washington D.C., it remains common to find hash browns, home fries and even tater tots, the latter of which has many defense officials concerned about their potential use in a Dirty Balm.
The potato was invented completely by accident, by Reginald Potato in 1924, while trying to extract potassium from the entrails of crows. The plural of potato is potatoes, however the 'e' was added after Reginald's passing in 1957 as he was allergic to the afore-mentioned letter. Potatoes are found in many modern day products such as chips, 7up, hair gel, tomato ketchup and Ted Danson. A disputed tidbit comes from the suggestion that the potato's name came instead from the man P. Otato, who first began to crop the potatoes in Dodge Stratus Clouds.
When ask for his comments on how to stop this growing threat former President Ted Kennedy had this to say, "Potatos are like the black plague, you can't see them coming, but you can sure smell them."
Whatever you do... don't forget about the hairy potato chips that are being sold in Austria right now for $127 a chip. They are delicious and worth a taste. The hairs tickle the tongue and make it feel all happy and warm inside. It's an orgasm for the mouth.
Potato day was started by Martin Luther King after slaves found Sophia buried under several tons of chalky deposit.
[edit] Problems
The damage incurred on many western nations by the use of designer potatoes has tolled in excess of 8 million men, women, and children. Rehabilitation clinics are over capacity with mash-heads. In America, legislation now requires clinics and hospitals to turn potato addicts over to a new para-military branch of the Department of Immigration and Naturalization Services, known as the Spud Patrol.
Asked why these hapless victims were not receiving care, Vice President Dick Cheney replied, "You don't actually expect me to answer your questions about the policies of this Administration, do you? Hey, I just work here. If these evildoers want to stuff themselves full of garbage then let them do it in Idaho. We don't want or need them in this country!"
[edit] Prophecy
It is said that one day a Sacred Potato will rise from the ashes of a root vegetable farm and muster a legion of Holy Potatos to war against the Brotherhood of Root Vegetable Farmers, who will, in turn eat the potatoes who helped tham and then be eaten by the Americans.
This is true.
Note: some or all of the above may be a potato.
Though decidedly not the funniest of tubers, potatoes may in fact be the most controversial, having been at the center of two major world scandals since their discovery in the 16th century by some crafty European colonists:
- First the Irish Potato Famine, and more recently,
- the shocking defeat of U.S. Vice Vice President Dan Quayle in an academic debate during which Mr. Quayle denied on principle that an e could be joined to an o, revealing to America a dark new side of the Democrat party's political theory and extreme incompetence in kitten huffing.
[edit] Potato Hunters
Potato Hunters are those that use their lives to hunt potatos. They often have different kinds of equipment, for example female potato dolls to trick the male potatos. Paul Robinson founded the Hawkesbury Heights Potato Hunter Association branch in 1990.
Due to a huge increase in potato defense funding, first proposed by Sir Bushingworth IV, Potato Hunters have been declining sharply in number. The main method employed by potatoes to dispatch of their would-be assailants, is to mash them, although chipping, boiling and roasting have also been reported in more native regions of Scotland. The latter forms are particularly fine for eating, but it is sadly ironic that the Potato Hunters' own delicious flavor would ruin them so.
Oscar Wilde was not a potato hunter. Therefore he is completely irrelevant to this article.
[edit] Ethiopian Military Potatoes
The Etiopian Armed Forces has been using the potato for over 50 years as their weapon of choice in the fight against becoming a first or second world country. The potato's unique potato-like shape makes it perfect for hurling at the enemies of the Ethiopians. In fact, in 1984, during the Great Ethiopian-Swedish War, a two man military squad was able to disturb and then defeat the entire Swedish Army.
In 2005, Ethiopia announced that it is developing a new stealth potato. The potato, which is invisible to radar, will be debuted in Iraq by next year. This innovation may propel Ethiopia to the class of World Superpower, level 9.
[edit] Trivia
(Trivia sections are discouraged at Wikipedia, but nobody cares at Uncyclopedia)
Potatoes are used as a general form of currency in Scotland, as well as the rest of the UK. This switch to currency caused an economic depression in Ireland called the Potato Famine. Also, Siberian monkeys have been known to throw them at windows. When questioned, the Siberian Monkey League/Association/Cult declined to affirm the charges.
A sharpened potato to the heart is the only way to kill the Irish.
The word "Potatoes" was most famously used in the film version of "The Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers" by the hobbit Samwise Gamgee. The little gimp spells the word out "Po-tat-oes" in relation to a question as to what taters were. If one is to turn the volume down on this scene and lip read what Sam is saying he clearly says: "Mo-naked-hoes". Samwise also reveals to us what the uses of taters are: "Po-tat-oes; boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew". (Try this with the same potato, it doesn't work, Sam's a liar).
Potatoes have stirred up revolt in Ireland, such as the Great potato rebellion of 1266.
Calling someone a spud is a compliment in Celtic countries; call them a spud at any given time or place (even on the toilet).
The potato is a living creature that will likely harm any human that seems offensive. A common theory is that southern Wales potatoes were the first to become outwardly violent.
The potato's main method of defense is to stick you with a poison injecting needle, though other breeds such as russet are known to use pointy sticks instead.
Some people say potato like it rhymes with tomato. Not the American way of saying it, the way everyone in the rest of the civilized world does. You know. Tom-AR-to. Yeah, well, people say potato like that too. Pot-AR-to. No wonder Bush is president. This could have also been the reason why the great Pikachu farted potato missiles at the tomato festival in Spain.
Potato's are an essential part of our daily life. If potato's did not exist, then the world would simply implode on itself, in a giant, non-potatoie mess similar to the Dominican Republic.
Potatoes are from Jupiter! this site uses a potato as an icon thus proving(my theory)that sites like this are promoting a pro-alien agenda
It is a little-known fact that a freshly-dug potato, when squeezed just the right way, will produce a stream of vodka. Squeezing it the wrong way may result in Rubik's Cubes or paper doilies. Furthermore heating stale potatoes with rock salt, gives a special moisturising cream which can be used for soothing the asses of camels tired after long sessions of Salsa in the hot dessert.
Science has proven that one day "POTATOES" will grow wings and destroy the human race one by one with their HEATVISION and their buttery temptations.
[edit] Potato Tales and Spud stories
- Buzz light year and Woody
once opon a time there was a shootin' Star shootin' straight at 'da winda' of 'da room, amasingly the spud hit the winda' without breakin it...seemin' that we opened it... and we found that it was Mr.Potato Head, as we now call him, he was confued but he become one o' the crew.
- Link and Zelda
me and zelda are potato fans and we HATE rotten pomatoes so we set them up in the yard and blow them up with swords and magic and bombs and boomerangs and all that.its a blast...too bad the potatoes die...ah who gives a damn,they're rotten,only other option id to use em as bombs...hey thats a good idea...
[edit] External links
- Mashed Taters - the first true potato worship hymn, as performed by Samwise Gamgee, with backing vocals by Gollum
- The order of the potato, the followers of the sacred vegetable! - WARNING from the Surgeon General: this will send sane men scampering into the trees. If any symptoms of sanity have recently been observable in your behaviour, please refrain from selecting this link.
- *Gives the page some cowbell* there ya go
- Christopher Walken eats potatoes almost every month. Christopher Walken official fan site
- The Uncyclopedia symbol is a potato!!!!!OMG
- [1] - find out what happens to people who do not eat potatoes!
- KING POTATO MURDERED 100000000000000000000 PEOPLE AND THEN ASPLODED
- Potatos are best used when crammed up a gay guy's asshole.
[edit] See also
- Dan Quayle
- Untato
- Adobe Potatochop
- Drum Sticks
- Great potato rebellion of 1266
- Taylor Hicks
- Sophia
- Potism
- The Potato Man (yah, right, like we have an article on HIM!)nn:Potet
