Pregnancy
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- This article refers to the sexualy transmitted disease. For childbirth, see Where babies come from.
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“Pregnancy is the gift that keeps on giving”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pregnancy
Pregnancy is an infamous parasitic and sexually transmitted disease that is commonly suffered by female human beings and animals. Males are usually immune to this disease since birth, but most of them are potential carriers that may transmit this disease to his female partner(s) during sex.
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[edit] Measuring pregnancy
The S.I Unit for measuring pregnancy is the cow (symbol: moo). For example "I am 3 cows pregnant" or "I usually give birth at 17moo".
[edit] Symptoms
Males, who are immune to pregnancy, have no symptoms as a carrier, unlike female. Pregnancy usually has an incubation of one half to one and a half moos. After the incubation ended, the victims would suffer from hentai, exhaustion, and obsession with sour foods. The symptoms would develop to turgid limbs after two to three months. Since then, the parasite, which implanted itself on the uterus of the victims, would start to be visible as a bulge on the belly. If no medical care is given to the victim, the bulge will further develop to be as big as a basketball.
Most women suffer from bladder infections, and kidney infections are common. Muscle infections are a rarity although do sometimes occur.
Fortunately, the victims of this disease have no threat to their lives. But the parasite leeches away any nutrition the victims obtain and transfer its metabolic waste to her, and results in bad health condition.
After nine to ten moos, the parasite will start to move in the uterus, causing unbearable pain to the patient. This is completely natural, as it is a removal process of the parasite from the host. After this process, this disease is cured, and the patients would usually be overjoyed. But this is just the beginning of another nightmare. See Mother.
You may also die. It's a 50/50 chance. And don't act like you're shocked. You know that's how you killed Ol' Jake from two blocks away. Pregnancy is also a form of cancer. Surveys show that pregnancy sucks and that being pregnant makes you fat and causes you to violently shit out babies.
[edit] Cause & Cure
The main cause of this disease is sexual intercourse, which the male ejects his tadpole-shaped germs or darklings into his partners' genital and infects the tissue.
Though, very rarely, does it happen that a female being catches this disease without having sex. The only example that can be found is a Jewish woman called Virgin Mary, who bore this disease through praying and God sent his Holy Spirit who, in a sticky mess of God's body fluid, "came upon her". The process is still unclear. Yet it is notable that the parasite produced, named Jesus, (stands for "parasite" in old Jewish language) caused much trouble to the world, and thus leading the assumption that the parasites brought by this kind of divine intervention are more nasty.
The only known way to cure this disease before it naturally removes itself and causes trouble is abortion. Unfortunately this method is widely criticized as "inhuman" by human-rights activists.
It's inhumane to have abortion carried by surgeons. Think of how the gals feel when they're forced by an evil, perverted-looking surgeon to open their legs wide and let'em stuff in numerous S/M toys. The one invented such a therapy must be a fetishist. by My mom
[edit] Precaution
Here is a list of ways to prevent transmitting or being transmitted to this disease.
[edit] Male
Make a flag with condoms and fly it outside your window before having sex. The angel who see this may probably show you mercy, and grant your partner a temporary ability to be immune to this disease. Probably.
- Have gay sex
Since males are immune to pregnancy, to have sex with another male is another way to prevent this disease to be spread, and you have the pleasure too (only if you are not the bottom guy.) This method has been tested by Ang Lee, and he has published his documentary film Brokeback Mountain recording two guys using this method to prevent this disease. The film was named after the mountain where Ang Lee tested his therapy.
This does not prevent the disease, but can avoid any impact to yourself after the birth of the parasite, as you can blame another guy in the orgy to be responsible, and avoid corresponding lawsuit.
[edit] Female
- Reject sex
A really successful mean to prevent this disease, which is 100% guaranteed that no pregnancy would be possible. A useful technique to turn down your male partner is to put a package of ketchup into your vagina (McDonald's ones are preferred), and tell the man on the bed that you are in your period.
- Have lesbian sex
Similar to the male counterpart above, except that both the individuals involved would have pleasure.
Pretty self-explanatory. Use dildoes when you are doing this, and videotape it. Joining an anal-bead enthusiast klan is also a positive idea. Probably Playboy or Pikachu will feature this in their next issue.
- Kill the Sperm
You can do this ahead of time with "the pill" or afterwards with "another pill" making it very easy to avoid. Some hoes forget though. Also, if you pour absinthe into your vagina while jumping up and down you can avoid becoming pregnant, but you also have to have had sex underwater.
A last reminder is Do Not Pray. Unless you want to have a son like the Jesii.
[edit] Either
Be a jedi, that way it's illegal to do ... stuff ... unless your Anakin Skywalker, then you're special.
[edit] Dealing
So, she's pregnant and you don't want it? There are several options available to you:
- Run away
- Abort it
- The best choice: Have an antbortion
- Assassinate her(s)
[edit] Shame on You
What? You got her pregnant? That's despicable! Ladies, please leave the room so I can talk with this not-so-gentle man...
YEEEE-HAAAW!! CONGRATS TO YA, YER A REAL MAN NOW! YOU BANGED HER BRAINS OUT, AND NOW YER GONNA MAKE BABIES!! THE WORLD CAN ALWAYS USE MORE BABIES SINCE OUR SPECIES NEEDS TO BE REPOPULATED AND ABORTION IS MURDER,MANNNNNNN! WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? A TEENAGE PREGNANCY? WOW, YER MORE OF A MAN THAN I AM!! REMEMBER, THE YOUNGER YOU TWO DO IT, THE BETTER YOU'VE MARKED YOUR TERRITORY!! WORK THAT SON OF A BITCH!!
Ahem... You can come back in, ladies. I gave that boy a severe talking-to. I bet he's learned his lesson. Yeah.
[edit] See also
- Sister
- Mother
- Jesus
- Baby
- Asian chicks
- Your wife
- Your little brother
- Mr. T
- Your Mom
- Incest
- abortion
- antbortion
