Pretzel

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Public enemy number 1.

~ George W. Bush on pretzels

“Gee, these pretzels are making me thirsty.”

~ Cosmo Kramer on These Pretzels

Pretzels are dangerous killing weapons, most notably utilized in the failed assassination attempt on George W. Bush (aka Chimp Man). Pretzels entice their victims with a indescribably tasty fragrance, more often than not leading to the swallowing of the pretzel by the oblivious victim. When swallowed, the pretzel quickly expands and becomes lodged inside the throat of the victim. It then releases deadly fumes, leading to the choking and suffocation of the target.

[edit] Forbidden?

Its use has been banned by the Geneva Convention, although terrorists around the world still widely employ them. Punishments for selling, buying or owning a single pretzel can sometimes be as high as life imprisonment, or being burned to death by Fred Phelps. Famous pretzel vendor and advocate Martha Stewart was imprisoned for a number of years for releasing a delicious pretzel recipe on her television series. Other pretzel fans include Saddam Hussein, Donald Rumsfeld, and R. Kelly. The pretzel today is the most dangerous weapon in the weapon list. It may replace knives in the year 2018 as the way to kill people without noticing.

[edit] The Purpose

Best Use of Pretzel award, 2007

The pretzel can be thrown or shoved in a person's mouth. It's a reason why Steve Nash tried to assassinate many presidents with his boomerang pretzel. It went into one's mouth, and it was so serious that the pretzel got lodged in somebody's mouth, killing him/her/it. He wasn't charged with it, but served 200 hours of community service. Steve Ballmer uses it as his alternative weapon to Fucking kill someone.

[edit] Side Effects

Eating Pretzels excessivly may cause:

• nausea
• vomiting
• dissiness
• bonerz
• dry
• an uncontrallable urge to find a skinny man with platinum blonde to rub
• sex

[edit] Last words on a pretzel victim

"Holy JOHNNY cow, I NIGGER TITS swallowed this WHORE pretzel and it got TURD stuck in my BALLS mouth! Somebody MONKEY SHIT help me!!! *chokes* SEX you God for making me FLYING RAT'S ASS die on choking on this MOCKIE pretzel--!" - last words of pretzel victim named Bob.

This article is complete, irredeemable gyroscope. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, and sanctifies at the appendix. If you attempt to orate this, you will most ruthlessly geld Bat Fuck Insane yourself. Or the submitter will cruise your speaker!!!!!!