Primeval
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'Primeval is an ITV television show about science fiction (could it be any worse?). Anyway, Primeval focuses around a group of blokes and a couple of hot bitches that go out the investigate these furry animals that come through these vaginas in time. The main character is Dr. Nicholas Scissors, whose wife left him a long time ago for an affair with a dinosaur. Joining him is bodyguard and Aussie Steve Irwin, a nerd named Cnnr Tmpl, an S Club gal and a boring politcian named the Letter.
[edit] Conception
The concept for Primeval was first convulated when the bloke who did the Wanking with Dinosaurs series decided he ought to stop making documentaries that nobody watches and get down to some proper TV shows. After much thought (34 minutes of watching the telly) he decided that he'd go along the lines of Torchwood. Torchwood is about sex, violence and aliens. So, the bloke was up and ready for making the show. There was just one problem; he couldn't write. He had no skill in the art of making any kind of book, let alone script. He was stumped. Oh no. After much drinking and thought (more telly) he decided he'd call up some of his writer "friends". He called up this guy who wanted to do a love story. The bloke managed to convince the guy that this was about dinosaurs. That put the guy off.
However, after many months of planning and thought (infront of the telly and porn) the bloke (we'll call him Timmy) called up the bloke (we'll call him Ade) and told him some of his new ideas. These included a sex monster, a cyberbitch and a boring politician, all in dinosaur form. Unknown to him, Torchwood was already using these ideas. Anyway, Ade accepted these ideas and wrote some copies of the script, when they decided on a new concept; time. They added these ideas to the script and Ade called up his writer friends. They rung up some actors. Unfortunately, Brad Pitt turned down immediately, so they had to settle for some ginger guy who looked like him. They managed to smuggle a former member of S Club out of rehab to film for the show, and dragged Timmy's Nobel-Prize winning geek nerd genius son for the show. Once they had a collection of boring politicians, including a girl who looked like she should be a porn star, they had a new problem to tackle; the dinosaurs.
After some suggestions from Timmy's irritating six-year old neighbour, they had a long list of unusual furry monsters, which they production team envied. After some searching, Ade found a bedraggled cat off the street which the show would later pass off as a pet lizard. Timmy then re-approached the animators who had helped him for his Wanking with Dinosaurs series, who gladly allowed him to borrow the CD of the software he used. Most of the monsters are in fact sockpuppets, but for one short scene (in which the S Club girl holds a puppet) was animated.
When Primeval was finnally ready to go onto television, Timmy encountered a huge pothole: nobody is going to buy an X-rated TV show about dinosaurs. At this, Timmy simply yelled "Fuck!" and was approached by a bloke from ITV. After much convincing, and a whole lot of beer, Timmy was forced into selling the show to ITV, as they needed a new slot to replace a terrible show that never really made 3 views: Doctor What.
The big day arrived. Timmy, Ade, all the stars and the rest of the two-man production team all settled down to wait for the millions of dollars to flood in; but none came. It was not until a month after the second season was fully filmed that he realized; nobody watched the show. The first episode had enough views to kick Doctor Who in the balls, but after the first two minutes, viewers realised it wasn't Coronation Street and turned off their televisions.
Due to the brilliant reception of the first few minutes of Episode 1, ITV renewed Primeval for a second series, as no other show was available. It was around this time that some bloke off the BBC bought Primeval and gave it as a wedding present to the head of BBC America (George W. Bush). He mistook it for a sex film named "Pornevil" and "accidentally" aired it on his channel. His excuse was he dropped his "breast and bravest" glasses on the floor and aired Primeval in the confusion. The show did terribly in America, but Bush wanted more so ITV had no choice but to get a third series, which is EVEN LONGER than the other two and nicks a couple of guys off DOCTOR WHO!
[edit] Characters
[edit] Nick Scissors (Douglas Adams)
Professor Nicholas Scissors (Douglas Adams) is the key character for the show. Adams was cast as Scissors but was forced to wear a ginger wig for the majority of filming (with the exception of the greenhouse scene which the production team couldn't afford any more takes when he forgot to put it on) as to make him "at least slightly attractive". Nick used to have a wife, who left him to have an affair with a dinosaur after being over-abused.
[edit] Steve Irwin (himself)
Steve Irwin (Steve Irwin) is Scissor's Aussie bodyguard and is frequently used as a chew toy by the monsters in the series. He is fatally wounded in virtually every episode, but gets up again because the production team can't afford to lose the one member of the cast who is liked. Irwin quit the job right as the production team were filming the finale for Series 2. As they couldn't afford to rehire him or hire a replacement, they let one of the sockpuppet monsters loose on him and made it look like an accident and part of the plot.
[edit] Abby Mateland (Tigress)
Abby Mateland (Tigress) is by far the HOTTEST character in the series and is apparently the best actor. Her character is terrible, and was largely overshadowed by Steve Irwin until his "accidental" death in Episode 13 (or was it 14?). She appears nude in three episodes, much to the entertainment of the nerd she lives and sleeps with. They later go on to have erotic sex, where she reveals her surname is "Mate-land". Abby is a punk.
Abby was once kidnapped by evil mermaids from the future, and when Cnnr found her, she had been frequently raped by both male and female mermaids (who can blame them?). This scene caused offence to Pope John Paul 2.0.
[edit] Cnnr Tmpl (Andy-Lee-Tim-Berners-Jackson-Penis-Witwicky-of-the-Wickers Potts)
Cnnr Tmpl (Andy-Lee-Tim-Berners-Jackson-Penis-Witwicky-of-the-Wickers Potts) is a typical teenaged genius. His utter complete mindboggling intelligence is rivaled only by Albert Einstein. However, he has a weakness: he is a conspiracy theorist and nerd, which downgrades his image severely. Too many hours engrossed in crappy websites has given him permanet brain damage, meaning he forgot most of his high school life, leaving him with no memory of having any kind of life. Cnnr somehow manages to remain fit, healthy and (apparently) handsome, which makes him (apparently) eligible to have woman fighting over him. Hippocrite.
[edit] Claudia Black Nigga Jenny Loiuse (Lucy Black Nigga)
Claudia Black Nigga (Lucy Black Nigga) is a nerdy politician, who for some reason is completely adored by Scissors. Not really anything to say other than that. Oh yeah, I forgot, Helena Scissors erased her from the timeline with a incredibly advanced form of equipment for reasons yet unknown, but the leftover peices joined together to form an ironically identical woman with practically the same job named Jenny Loiuse. She doesn't really doo mch either and Scissors and her sleep with each other just the same.
[edit] Helena Scissors (Romeo and Juliet)
Helena Scissors (Romeo and Juliet) is a right bitch and abandoned Scissors after being overly raped. She abandoned her husband to go into the vaginas in time, but not before having an affair with Steve and several dinosaurs (including the Latter). Can revive school janitors.
[edit] The Latter (Ben Miller)
The Latter (Ben Miller) is an extremely boring an nerdy politician who is played by the most expensive actor in the series, Ben Miller. The production team could not afford to give such an expensive man a large part so he appears now and again making phone calls and walking around his office. At the end of Series 2 the team had some extra, since they had cut down on the effects they used for their creatures, and decided to give him a two-minute fight scene with a sexual predator. Unbeleivaby, such a boring and unfit man managed to beat the monster with the help of a pet mammoth and a portable stereo.
[edit] Minor characters
- Pex (Sockpuppet') is a lizard and Abby's pet. First appeared in Episode 1 and reappears in random episodes for no reason at all. Gets hit by a tennis racket by Caroline Spoon.
- Ryan (Mark Wankerling), some military guy who hates scary films. Gets killed at the end of Series 1, not a very interesting guy. But hey, what does it matter? You're interested.
- Caroline Spoon (My Old Bentley) is Cnnr's girlfriend, until he finds his glasses an realises he's a car, and dumps her immediately. In her fury, she runs over Pex and takes him to Eggplant. She relises what she had done is (just a bit) evil and drives off into the sunset at the end of Series 2.
- Evil Eggplant (Carl Theo's Bald) is yet another boring politician who rushes around his office after the Latter desperately trying to get him to come home and sleep with him. Constantly reminds everyone he's not a creature-catching snickering evil traitor or anything like that. Turned out he was controlling a bunch of sexual predators for his own needs, sets them on our team and tries to blow up the Noah's Ark!
- Lucie (some bloke) is an overly English basketball playing teenager who gets kidnapped by evil mermaids from the future. Unfortunately, the mermaids overly raped him and, by the time the team found him, his balls were lost in time.
- The Tailor (name not notable), a local clothesmaker who falls into a drainpipe with her dog (or did she?)
- The Cleaner (Timmy Faraway), some janitor. Just appears in random episodes walking around and punching people. For no reason in particular, there are like thirty-something versions of him (retard).
[edit] Episodes
In order to save budget for more important elements of the show (and beers for the actors), Primeval's writers could not afford to think up names for the episodes. However, Uncyclopedia's "quality standards" imply we have to improvise the titles, ie, we make up silly names for your enjoyment.
[edit] Series 1
- Everything Changes but
Captain JackProfessor Scissor's Jacket - everyone realises these vaginas in time are opening, and are as horny as ever, as they unleash a load of turtles and a couple of Komodo dragons, as well as introducing our good friend Pex. - (The Latter Is) Creepy - some bugs turn up at a train station and maul some lollipop ladies (woo-hoo!). The team stop them, but Steve is killed by a worm with no teeth, arms, legs, mouth, eyes or brain. Cnnr moves into Abby's flat and they share their first love, only to be seen by his nerd friends, sending Scissors into a wave of jealousy, leading up to him being fired. He is then rehired when they find out he has acess to Uncyclopedia, a complete guide to all the beasties they encounter, on his laptop.
- Messing About On The River - a vagina opens and lets a vicious crocodile out, who intercepts two lifeguards having sex in a swimming pool, leaving both in shock. They revive Steve (the Croc Hunter) to deal with it, only to find its gone into a lake and coughed up all the cum it collected. When they get there, it's gone again and reappeared in some woman's bedroom, and lets a giant turkey on innocent plumbers. When they get there, the turkey had mysteriously disapeared and they sed Scissors through the vagina to find his wife, who he discovers giggling in a jacuzzi with two of the turkeys. Naked. Shocked by this information, the Latter brings her back through by force. On the way out, a diver gets caught in the uterus of time and dies. Boo-hoo!
- The Nerd, the Bird Flu and the Dumbshit Chicken - while interrogating Helen, she tells them there's going to be some killer pussy (cats) lose in London, which are apparently in one of the Man U player's fridges. They go through to find an entire netwok of vaginas, which Helen escapes through to get to the next Gay Pride six months early. The team are pissed off by this, and just as they are about to leave, a group of completely dumbshit chickens, which rampage about the footballer's house cause general havoc. They eat three cats and kill an old man before being sent back into the vagina. However, one dumbshit chicken walks outside and is captured by two of Cnnr's YouTube friends who have tracked him down. Both of them proceed to catch birdflu, and the team rush to the scene and shoot both of them before the disease can spread.
- Bat Fuck Insane - some bats attack some golfers, which came througha vagina, and try to eat our heroes, but Helen manages to blow them up using a faulty microwave.
- The Sexual Predator - a sexual predator from the future comes through a vagina and eats some random people, a lion and a zookeeper. It is hunting Abby when Steve finds out and sacrifices himself to save her. Helen runs, in tears, to find the team, and helps the team to lure it into a greenhouse and blow it up. They cut the body up and find out it is not asexual as they predicted, and find out it is not a virgin, and the mother is still out there. They go to the vagina (for no reason at all) and just sit there for a while, and the mother comes back and they blow it up again. Helen and Scissors bury the monster back at its home era and Helen runs away again while she's there, leaving Scissors to get home himslef, only to find Claudia Black Nigga has dissapeared, and nobody remembers who it was!
[edit] Series 2
- Land Before Time: three evil purple dinosaurs comes throw the time vagina in Wal-Mart. One of them gets decapitated.
- Evil Dildoes: as the name implies, evil dildoes come throw the vagina. All explode for no appearent reason.
- The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe: a pussy cat comes from a time vagina that leads to a place filled with whorish talking animals. It turns out someone is controlling the animals.
- The Little Mermaid: a teenager disappears; everyone blames Jaws, but it turns out that evil mermaids got Abby.
- Bedbugs: a little bitch got lost in a time vagina, and everyone gets trapped in it, while giant bedbugs raped 'hem all!
- Ice Age: 20th Century Fox accidently lets a mammoth escape their studio and create havoc, as well as "trunky" sex with Pex, which comes out of the closet. Second appearence of the sexual predator.
- WTF?: the bad guys enlist all the ugly animals in their armies. As it is obvious, our "heroes" raped them all and sent them to the shit they came from. Abby forces the guys in the team to have a good ol' gay sex. Helen appears and scares a random little bird to death with her morbdid appearence. Harry Potter makes a brief cameo, but his "wand" gets ripped off by a sexual predator. Second appearence of the mermaids, the mammoth, the turtles and the pussy cat; third appearence of sexual predator; and no appearence of Jaws, despiste the rumours about a hot threesome between it, the pussy cat and Winnie the Pooh.
[edit] Preview for the third series
Ups, this is a scene from Wanking with Dinosaurs. Never mind.
