Primus
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Primus is an American corporation that sucks. It specializes in producing cheap alcohol, vaccuum cleaners, and serious funk. Founded in 1988 by CEO Les Claypool, Primus quickly grew into a multi-national retailer run by an anarchist commune, probably in Finland.
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[edit] Establishment
Originating from Claypool's basement (better known as Peru), PRIMATE Beer! quickly gained popularity in Los Angeles' Mexican barrios, before FDA inspectors seized Claypool's mother's Datsun, and the jig was up. By a freak coincidence, Ler won the lottery a week later, and PRIMATE Beer! incorporated itself within the sovereign country of California.
After a series of line-up changes and demo tapes, PRIMATE was slapped with a multi-million dollar name infringement lawsuit. In Chris Kattan v PRIMATE Beer!, Claypool was forced to change his company's name. He chose PRIMUS, as it was the closest word he could think of that rhymed with anus. lololol anus
[edit] Members
Les Claypool (formally known as Fidel Castro): CEO, Administrator, Human Resources Director, Bitch-Slapper (He also plays bass on his off-hours)
Tim "Herb" Alexander The Great: Associate Director, Bouncer, Firing Squad, Skin-Hitter & Cymbal Destroyer
Larry LaLonde a.k.a. "Ler" a.k.a. "LaLa": Production Manager, Union Boss, Research & Development Head, Axe-Wielder, Coke-Head
[edit] Growth
Primus soon imploded onto the vacuum cleaner scene, thanks largely to their slogan: "PRIMUS SUCKS!". Claypool later stopped using the slogan and stupidly tried to copyright it, lecturing loyal brand purchasers to either agree with him or eat a bag of shit.
[edit] Cybertron
Eventually Primus left Earth to find a planet of their own. They landed on some random mudball which they covered with metal and named Cybertron, and proceeded to populate it with Transformers. Sadly, the Cybertronian branch of Primus was ultimately a failure when Vector Prime locked his Planet Keys in his car.
[edit] Future
Claypool, Ler, and Herb occasionally appear at establishments that serve liquor, yell obscenities and beat random objects for two hours, and collect any revenue beaten from doped up hippies at the scene. This is sometimes called "music", but more often described as "illegal". Ler sometimes loses interest with the proceedings and performs a G.G. Allin type cocaine induced culling of the crowd. Yelling "Primus Sucks!" will allegedly keep them and their vaccuums away, although this is probably just an old wives' tale.
[edit] Time 4 Luv
On May 29,2005, Les Claypool hired an individual (gender unknown) by the name of Canine to do a photo shoot for the new Primus album. The Canine fellow knew nothing of the new album, so he/she brought nothing but a camera, a video camera and a watermelon. Canine was shocked to find that the new album name was to be "Time 4 Luv", but given Primus' other album titles, it was only somewhat suprising.
Only the album cover has been revealed to the public, which Canine says is "G-rated compared to what's on the inside of the booklet." Little details have been given as far as artwork goes, but it is said that "the watermelon was used extensively"
A track listing can be found here
For full article see Time 4 Luv
[edit] Claypool's other businesses
Claypool eventually became fed up with Ler and Herb. In an attempt to distract himself from them, he cloned himself and genetically altered the clones with DNA from frogs, oysters, and buckets. These clones were then ordered to begin child corporations of PRIMUS in order to put them back on top of the vacuum cleaner industry. Most customers of Primus will say that the child corporations are pure and utter tripe. It is rumured that the only people who have purchased anything from these companies are either potheads, people who stalk Claypool, and people who like the touch and the smell of all the pretty dresses he wears.
Claypool has been known for his bass playing as well as his bass fishing. Many songs have been inspired by his love of fishing. He currently lives is Maine where it is legal to marry any fish you catch.
[edit] The Bullboard
Although fans of the company had for almost a decade interacted with each other by looking for others wearing Primus brand clothing, as the 90's tapered off, such shirts were in low availability. Thus, the parole officers union for sex offenders contacted a man named Zoltron and ordered him to find a place where such degenerates could congregate, date, marry, and eventually reproduce. The SAG at one point tried to utilize the online prison for a grand social experiment that was meant to supply stem cells to allow Christopher Reeve and Michael J. Fox to perform a two man Black-Face tap dancing tour, but with Reeve's suicide over not being able to fake his injuries anymore the plan was never fully realized.
The bullboard was created and run by a warden named Dick Rush whose drinking and need for extramarital affairs were still not enough for him to earn a job in homeland security. After years of babysitting a bunch of children who were bickering over which CEO was more replaceable than another, spam posts by an asexual political activist who had no life, and years of inactivity by ceo members who respectively ran the company into the ground by attempting to morph into a wookie, paint themselves blue as a symbol for a once amputated third testicle, and faking a cocaine addiction just to see his fans mention it ad-nauseum, Dick Rush quit and fled to Monterey, CA in an attempt to commit suicide by accosting Clint Eastwood. Ironically, Dick Rush defeated Eastwood, skinned him and wore him as a suit, living the high life and has since directed movies about shooting the Japanese and unplugging the life support of horse faced women.
The board members disseminated all over, with some joining the workforce, unemployment, cults, or much worse: Canada. A new bullboard was made to round up the deviants with only minimal success.
The new bullboard is filled primarily with people who were not old enough to drive when Primus was banging the co-op chicks of Barrington, and the few other older people who do visit the facility liken going there to poking Chris Farley's swollen corpse with a stick. The board has been rumored to have been run by Nazi fugitives, but these rumors are strange as they have been started by those who have nothing better to do than shout racial obscenities at each other, post porn, and scare away female members in a bizarre display of arrested development. The cleansing and sterilization efforts are still under way, although many point out that pouring chlorine in a swimming pool to clean it up makes it so no life can live there.
Other spin off sites have since been created. One of which includes the Aargh board, where angry and lonely escaped circus geeks (with a bizarre penchant for yelling at authority figures while doing absolutely nothing with their lives in the mean time) have attempted to create a utopia which has become a cross between Never-Land Ranch and the hell that is Rosie O'Donnel's neglected genitals, and the Lupin board where old fans of the "Suck" go to reminisce about how cool 2004 was, set up meetings so they can hug one another, and read each other's bland and boring "dear diary" messages.
Rumors of a second coming of vacuum cleaners have kept all groups alive in the same sense that Paully Shore's film career is alive, but the return of Primus into the vacuum market may one day reunite the disparate groups. In this sense the Primus myth is much like the beliefs of the Arthurian legend, the Islamic belief of the coming of the 12th Imam or the second coming of Christ, although admittedly without the respective homosexual Englishmen, exploding Arabs, or chicks who really need to get boned.
