Princess Peach
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“Unfortunately, upon reaching the innermost dungeon of the castle, I was informed that my prince[ss] was in another castle.”
“Did you say "Princess Pietsch?"”
~ German Gamer on Princess Peach
Princess Peach (July 11, 1967-January 10, 2012), is the sexy slut of Mushroom Kingdom who always gets herself kidnapped and likes it. The daughter of the former Mushroom King, her capture was the basis for the video game, Super Mario Brothers.
Contents |
History
Early life
Growing up, she came to sympathize with her father's lack of compassion for the working class. Due to her father's brutality, Peach also came to sympathize with her father's need to quash any hope of rebellion. In several cases, noted below, she actually led assaults against rebel encampments. At the age of 6, she killed her first peasant. This old beggar woman had merely had the nerve to ask the Princess for a coin. The beggar smudged the Princess' shoe, and Peach immediately had her executed in the streets. This would not be the first time that blood soiled Peach's white gloves. In 1956, she oversaw the Spiny Genocide in Pipe Land. Despite her young age, she seemed to delight in watching the spinies be tossed into the lakes. At the age of 23, she was officially named her father's Secretary of War. Peach would lead her mushroom soldiers on a bloody campaign. The goal of this military action was the ethnic cleansing of the so-called Koopas.
Teenage years
“Peach the bitch? Well, of course I remember her, she is a legend”
~ Peach's friends on Peach
At a young age Peach had a huge responsibility. Not only did she have to run the kingdom and watch out for the many kidnappers but she was beautiful. It truly is not easy being beautiful or the number one whore in the state, rich, and powerful. Her first kidnapper, Donkey Kong, was a brutish rape. The girl didn't have an easy start. After being rescued by Mario (who was at least 15 years older than she) she was forced into marriage at a young age. Things got worse from there. Peach tried to deal with Mario but he had extensive drug use and was selling mushrooms to minors. Peach herself ran the kingdom, took care of political problems, and with the power of 1,000,000 bitching house wifes, also took on the role of the bitchy house wife. Finally her bitchiness drove Mario to wits end and he bitch slapped her. This caused her to run away and enter the clutches of the feared Bowser!!! Mario, realizing what a mistake he had made went after her and saved her from the demented Bowser. But Bowser wouldn't give up. He returned and kidnapped Peach again and again. Luckily Mario saved her each time but it still had some lasting effects on Peach's sanity.
While in Bowser's clutches Peach was subdued to harsh beatings and one night stands with the guards. Bowser himself never forced Peach to do anything "sexual" he was too much of a wimp. Peach got so sick of being kidnapped that she went into hiding several times, it never worked though because, lets face it, Peach was bad at hiding, a pillow is not an undercover disguise.
Koopa Kleansing
The ethnic cleansing sex that began in 1963 had one simple goal. To eliminate the Koopa Klan that had non-violently opposed the Mushroom King's regime. Unfortunately, the current Koopa King, Bret "Hitman" Hart, had taken refuge in Dark Land. This place was heavily barred from anyone that dared enter. Any Koopas that dared to make themselves known in Mushroom Land were sent away to the Concentration Camp at Desert Land. Many of them were fed to an Angry Sun, and still others were executed by Hammer Brother. It is said that over 30,000 Koopas died in the first two years of the Koopa Kleansing.
The Fall of the Mushroom King
By 1972, over 1.5 million Koopas had died at the hands of Princess Peach. Her father became known as King Genocide, or The Butcher of Grass Land. However, events unseen to Peach were occurring in Dark Land. For it was at this time that Carrie Underwood became the new Koopa King. Underwood recalled all available Koopas and double agents to Dark Land to prepare for a new type of war. With the Koopas in full retreat, Peach thought she had won. She began her violent conquests anew, sending solders out to capture Soda Lake, and even Chocolate Island. An attempt to conquer Yoshi's Island was successful as well. The Yoshis would go on to become the Mushroom Kingdom's primary form of slave labor. Princess Peach was at the height of her power. However, events that were occurring in Dark Land would soon shape the Princess' fate. The Koopas were rebuilding. After spending nine years building her forces, Carrie Underwood finally struck in 1981. The events that followed would become the basis for the video game "Super Mario Brothers." The Koopas overran the soldiers of the Mushroom Kingdom, which had become fat and complacent. They had been used to slaughtering innocents, and never having trained for actual war. The Mushroom King's regime was toppled. He, his daughter, and her 7 retainers were captured and held in dungeons for trial.
Fortress of Fear
Peach's Fortress of Fear, established in 1988, is considered the deadliest fortress known to mushrooms. It houses many levels, several dungeons, and multiple paintings of a sinister design. These paintings are cursed with a magical hex, that sends any who touch them into a bizarre realm.
Often, dissenters to her throne have been known to be forcefully tossed into these paintings, as a means of exiling them. More often, however, her critics wind up imprisoned in the dungeons of the Fortress. A fully-stocked execution chamber is located beneath the back lawn. This chamber, with the capacity to house about 10,000 Koopas at any given time, is equipped with cyanide gas. It also features Thwomps above the room. These Thwomps crush the Koopa korpses into a meaty paste, which is then pushed through a small ventilation hole. Once there, they are sent into a storage tank, so they can be processed into food.
Relationships
“Whenever she is horny, she write a letter to that plummer-thingy? Hell0! Has she never heard of web cam?”
~ Paris Hilton on Prinsess Peach
Many believe Peach had only one man that she truly loved and that was Mario. This, however, is incorrect. Peach had two lovers - Dr. Neo Cortex, Daisy and even a few koopas. Many claim that Peach never truly loved Mario. She loved him as a friend. That was kind of true, but she was really in love with Dr. Neo Cortex. Dr. Neo Cortex and her were on and off for a couple of months until she turned her eyes to Daisy. Daisy knew of the stress that Peach was going through. She comforted Peach around 2:00 a.m. every night for a week or so. The two decided to take their relationship to the next level, but unfortunately gay marriage was illegal in the Mushroom Kingdom. Alas their love could never be... you know... the thing people get married for (whatever it is).
Of course, Mario eventually found out about Peach's multi love interests and he was pissed. Mario beat Peach within an inch of her life. He then marketed her as a prostitute, since she loved to screw around so much. Then one day she went to Daisy for some help. Then, after daisy helped, they had sex day in day out for the rest of her life. After about the 200th billion raunchy ass sex they bored and went to Hyrule to start a porn show staring Link, Zelda and themselves.After that they went to Pokemon world, kidnapped a Magmar and "burnt" their insides out. "it was really hot!" Peach claims. it is important to note that Pikachu was awfully jealous, so he kidnapped Slayer's Tom Araya and electrocuted him. Pikachu then killed himself by going into the river and making a "Thunder" attack. He did this until he had no PP left, and so finally died.
Peach and Bowser
“In Soviet Russia, Peach rapes YOU!!”
~ Russian reversal on Princess Peach
“In East Germany, Pietsch rapes YOU!”
~ German Reversal on Princess Peach, but couldn't spell it right
Peach loved Mario a lot. But after getting kidnapped for the 598th time all those anal rapes started to take effect. Next thing she knew, she was purposely trying to get kidnapped. This confused both Mario and Bowser. But mostly Mario. being rescued for the 600th time she started to secretly go out with Bowser and telling Mario is was going to Foreign Policy meetings. Mario soon found out when E! News did an investigation on Princess Peach. Oh... Yea. And She Was pregnant even tough all Mario did was give her a brief kiss on the cheek. The baby is currently under a custody battle or wherever the baby belongs to Bowser's Kingdom or Peach's Kingdom. Currently The two are considering marriage. Mario is considering suicide.
Hobbies
Peach's hobbies include: taking walks along the beach), collecting stamps, getting kidnapped, public hangings, golf, tennis, posing as a nurse, wrecking into other people on go-karts, looking at her reflection, writing gothic poetry, competing in no holds bared fighting competitions, baking cakes and pacing.
Princess Peach plays poker (and Liar's Dice) every week with a selected group of individuals. This group usually consists of Princess Daisy, Jackie Chan, as well as his uncle and niece, Raven, Paris Hilton, and "Bootstrap" Bill Turner. Anyone who comes in contact with this group should attempt to avoid them at all costs.
Warning: Peach may look sweet and innocent but she has a new game Super Princess Peach where she kicks major ass with her emotions such as sadness, happiness, and bitchiness. Players be forewarned.
Intellect
Peach's intellectual capacity and ability to properly govern a country of anthropomorphic fungi has been brought under scrutiny on multiple occasions, mainly by the Shy Guy Democratic Worker's Movement. Noted incidents include not realizing when she's won and confusing Mario, who was raping her on a plane at the time, with a palette-swapped version of him. Historians note that in years past Peach was literate, and even able to hand-write letters in the NES font, and was often let near an oven during Home Ec. This may suggest that the Princess's is a tragic case of Alzheimer's instead of a funny case of retardation.
Since Peach was deemed legally unable to give consent, Bowser was sentenced for two years with parole. However, since Bowser owned all the dungeons, all the toad guards were brutally slaughtered when transporting him to his cell by those circular-moving disco ball thingies.
At one point in her life she would enjoy killing, eating, having sex with, and taking pictures of Dead Babies, but grew tired of it after buying a vibrator.
Unfortunately for her, Peach has never heard of a security system, and whenever someone mentions it, her head assplodes and she wakes up in the infirmary not remembering a thing. This explains why Bowser can so easily kidnap Peach.
People who have kidnapped Princess Peach
- Mario
- Shigeru Miyamoto
- Bowser
- Donkey Kong
- Osama Bin Laden
- Jack Thompson
- Carrie Underwood
- Micheal Jackson
- Chuck Norris
- Carlos Mencia
- Goku
- Sailor Moon
- Sonic
- Ronald McDonald
- Princess Zelda
- Kim Possible
- Mudkip
- Samus Aran
External Links
- Bowser and Peach having fun!
- Son of a Peach!!!
(See the original flash file here)
See also
Categories: Characters | Mario | Video games | Not Evil
