Prison
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“Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass "Go", do not collect $200”
~ Mr. Money Bags on Jail
“Prison made me gay.”
~ Oscar Wilde on how prison made him gay
“These people are too guilty to be in prison, they should be interned”
~ Giusep nay on prison
Prison is the world's most popular homosexual club. Prisons have served different purposes in the cultures that created them. Among the feudal Japanese, prison was merely a place you went to await execution; but in modern society, prison is often used as a sort of forced, taxpayer-supported Club Med for citizens found guilty of crimes. In America, prison is a place where African Americans and rednecks are held. There are no Jews in prison.
Jails (i.e., where, for a less serious crime, one can be incarcerated for a shorter time than in a prison) are ideal if one isn't sure and wishes to try out the prison experience on a trial basis, without the long-term commitment.
Contents |
[edit] How to go to Prison
- Main article: HowTo:Get Arrested
Important note: Make sure to let authorities know where you are at to get arrested faster.
Please beware hiring a lawyer while trying these, as they may convince authorities not to arrest you and then take your money.
- Murder somebody! However, this does not work if you...
- are a rich Black man living in Los Angeles and you kill your white wife and you plan to find the "real murderer".
- are a Congressman.
- earn more than $24 million in a single year.
- do it to yourself
- Do something unnatural! (note: if you are a super freaky, super rich eccentric doing unnatural things with kids it won't work)
- Lie on your income tax returns.
- Important note: Don't forget to file! Lying on your tax returns does you no good if you don't file them.
- Invite a preschool class to your work place for a tour. At the last stop drop your pants (for men) or take off your top (for women)!
- Hold a parade without informing city officials of your plan. (note: make sure you really really really tie up traffic, or else you'll just get a fine)
- Drive your solid silver motorcar onto a square of roadway with "Go To Jail" painted on it.
- Commit any crime involving money in any of the 50 states of the United States. (note: if you wish to serve less time, kill someone instead of committing a money crime)
- Sell illegal drugs while dressed like a nun. (note: if you are white, this doesn't work)
- Coax a small child into your van with the promise of free candy, and then cross the state line with the young one.
- Go to a bank and demand they relinquish all of their money to you under the threat of violence.
- Download an mp3. (note: this is just a lie propagated by RIAA)
- Touch a wedge of cheese that doesn't belong to you, then select "Go to Jail"
- Piss off 008, or any other member of Star Fox. (Note: Does not work if Slippy is your target. Nobody likes him/her/it anyway.)
- Insult any major politician.(Except Dick Cheney what other purpose does he serve?)
- Sleep in a South Dakota cheese factory
[edit] Common Prison Activities
In prison, inmates (or clients, as they are sometimes termed by socially-conscious prison officials) may engage in the following endeavours at society's expense:
- serving time
- watching CNN and reruns of Frasier
- reading the latest Anne Rice novel
- learning useful skills, such as:
- eating sausages
- cooking (while working in the prison kitchen)
- sewing for fun and profit
- cloning cell phones
- hotwiring cars: advanced techniques
- how to get/give ass sex
- smoking pot
- enjoying the pleasures of forced and consensual sexual intimacy
- trying out non-prescription drugs
- stabbing other inmates to death with improvised knives known as "shivs"
- joining activity groups (or gangs) with common interests
- networking
- working out in the fully-equipped, state-of-the-art gym so that they can be bigger, faster, stronger criminals upon release
- taking high-school/college/university courses so that they can be more intelligent criminals upon release
- learning, improving and/or mastering a second language (if fortunate enough to be incarcerated in a second-language milieu in their home country or abroad)
- meeting and getting to know famous people
- creating Uncyclopedia entries
- autoeroticizing
- earning money to pay their children's way through college
- getting really cool tattoos (even if they don't want them)
- learning how to tattoo
- doing Doctoral research, or gathering material for their own screenplay or reality show
- Getting drunk off the hand soap in the bathroom.
- Wearing sack cloth
- Sleeping
- Sitting
- Pouting
- Wishing bad things to the world
- Looking angry
- Paranoia from worring about dropping the soap
- Dropping the soap - "Ooh boys, it's butter-fingers again"
- Wishing you hadn't just dropped the soap
- Picking up the soap
- Learning not to pick up the soap - sometimes it's better to stay dirty
- Investing in shower gel
- Have we mentioned ass-rape?
- Rape in the nose by a trasvestite ass pirate
- Breaking out (don't forget to permanently tatoo your plan onto your skin so you don't forget it).
- Droping the soap
[edit] Gifts For Prison Inmates
Everybody likes to get mail, and this is epecially true for prisoners, who have in many cases been separated from their families and social circles.
Prisoners particularly appreciate gifts of items that may be unavailable or expensive at the prison shopping centre. Although tools such as files, small shovels, knives, and firearms are most treasured, they are strongly discouraged by authorities and are best smuggled into the prison inside baked goods.
However, there are still many convenient and useful items which may be sent by post to prisoners:
- Soap on a Rope
- Cigarettes (even non-smokers may use them to purchase other items, or protection)
- Pornographic magazines or National Geographic
- Condoms (The kind that are good for gay anal sex)
- Calendar and Pencil
- Baked Goods (for real)
- Shiv
- A Chastity Belt
- Pictures of wife (accepted as prison currency)
[edit] Boost Moral In Prison
- hang yourself
- wank off
- give yourself a BJ
- find plastic spoon
[edit] Prison Break
Government revenues are sadly not infinite, so there are unfortunately a variety of ways the magical time that is prison can come to an end: parole, escape, and serving time.
[edit] Parole
Sometimes a parole board will agree that a prisoner has partaken sufficiently of the joys of incarceration and will attempt to return that prisoner to society before the completion of his sentence. Only the most stupid prisoners are ever paroled since it can easily be avoided.
Here are a few suggestions to avoid being paroled:
- tell the parole board that while you have been cured of your previous prediliction for armed robbery, you now have an overwhelming desire to barbeque children
- eat any paper you can get your hands on, loudly and ravenously, repeat "Oh, lord, that hurts so good!" between sheets
- refer to the members of the board as "cutie", "sweetiepie", "honeybuns", and other terms of endearment
- ask them if this means you can remove your handcuffs because you have a strong need to strangle the next person who addresses you by your given name; best employed near the end of the review after you have repeatedly been called by your given name
- avoid saying "I'm sorry" at any time during the hearing (even if you step on someone's foot) as this may be interpreted as a sign of remorse resulting in parole being granted
[edit] Escape
Escape is the unfortunate predicament of a prisoner who accidentally wanders away from the correctional facility and cannot find his way back. The good news is that if our directionally challenged friend can find a suitable authority to turn himself in to, he'll have lengthened his original sentence!
[edit] Serving Time
All good things must come to an end. When your sentence expires, you are forced to leave prison, like a child forcibly expelled from his mother's womb. This is followed by a natural desire to return, and happily it is simple enough to return to prison.
While any serious crime will do, here are some creative suggestions to get you back to prison (important note: Make sure to let authorities know where you are at to get arrested faster):
- rob your local liquour store at gunpoint, omit to wear a mask, and make sure to get close to the security camera; say something funny like, "Look, Ma, I'm robbing a liquour store!"
- rob banks: if you rob a bank they call it a crime, if the bank robs you they call it a service charge
- build a bomb and then e-mail your city government for suggestions on where it might best be planted for maximum effect
- sodomize the mayor's prized pet, videotape your crime, mail it to the chief of police along with a request for donations and your name and mailing address
- write The Punisher starring Thomas Jane, get it filmed, and distribute it all over the world
- Masturbate in public, or in some person's house
- Post a stool sample, as part of a legitimate national colorectal cancer screening programme, but get the numbers the wrong way around on the address. Damn...
- Sleep in a South Dakota cheese factory
[edit] Proof that Prison Sucks
There are many things that make serving time inconvenient: The steel bars, the mean guards, the anal rape, but here is one thing that proves that prison time is no fun:
[edit] Prison Slang
There is a lot of prison slang used to confuse the guards and new inmates. As crimes we know about are steadily increasing, and crimes we know nothing about are also spiralling out of control, it is an absolute certainty that you will have to know some of this prison talk:
- Slippy Jockey: You get the lube
- Buff My Pylon: 'Low me a cigarette and I'll give you two next week.
- Smoke and a Hole: I owe you two cigarettes, you can "have your way with me" if you let me off the fags
- I Call You: You're my bitch now, bend over
- R. Kelly Situation: Watch out behind you
- Hey, what you got arrested for? My mom registered MySpace and posed as Miley Cyrus
[edit] Wikipedia's Article on Prison BUT IN VERY VERY MLA FORMAT!
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
| Actions of life and death |
|---|
| Start | Be born | Sleep | Play | Study | Sleep | Play | Kill | Live | Go to jail | Escape | Travel | Go to the cemetery | Die | End |
