Prophet

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“Mrs. Beech, Nostradamus was a prophet.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Nostradamus

“Who's Mrs... Ahem... I mean, I knew you were going to say that.”

~ Nostradamus

“I can't believe these prophet guys work for free! Why don't they get a 1-900 number like everyone else?”

~ Dionne Warwick on prophets

Prophets are people who claim to be in contact with God. Unlike the rest of humanity they apparently have a really sweet broadband connection to the Almighty, and not just a couple of cans and a piece of string.

[edit] Origins

A group of prophets celebrating their prophethood.

Since the dawn of time, prophets have walked among us. They invented religion, and as such hold the patents to it. The name prophet stems from a terse conversation that occurred between Ugg, the very first prophet, and a doubter in his prehistoric tribe. Thanks to the time-traveling pilgrims this conversation has been plucked from obscurity, and delivered to modern science.

• Ugg the prophet: "Big ball of cheese in sky spoke to me!"
• Tribal sceptic: "Oh yeah? What did it say?"
• Ugg the prophet: "It say all must repent and follow me."
• Tribal sceptic: "Sheesh! Is that the best you can come up with? You're pathetic." (note: the rest of the tribe misheard this last word as prophetic).
• Ugg the prophet: "Suck ma balls now or face the ass of ma mom!

Well you know what he chose.

• Tribal sceptic: "I'll take the balls bit."

[edit] Process

Answering machines are just one of the devices used by God to deliver messages to prophets.

Prophets use a very sophisticated process. This requires three steps:

• Step 1: Receive message (develop schizophrenia)

• Step 2: Deliver message

• Step 3: Prophet

[edit] Famous prophets

Over the eons many people have claimed to be prophets. Some are more credible than others. But all produce that spicy, cheesy goodness that mankind so craves.

• Joseph Smith
• Abraham (the Pimp)
• Moses
• Jesus
• Muhammad
• David Icke
• Kermit the Frog
• Gordon B. Hinckley
• Billy Graham
• Tom Cruise
• The Wormhole Aliens
• George W. Bush
• Charles Darwin (Evolution)
• Moohammed
• Glenn Miller
• Douglas Adams
• Bill Hicks
• Uncyclopedians
• Tom
• Jebus Canibus

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