Puddle of shit
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“Unfortunately, no one can be told what a puddle of shit is. You have to see it for yourself.”
~ Morpheus on a puddle of shit
“I once had a puddle of shit. It ran away.”
~ Mr. Random guy on a puddle of shit
“I once had a puddle of shit. It tasted shit.”
~ Mr. Random guy #2 on a puddle of shit
“I once had a puddle of shit. I was so happy, we named it after my husband.”
~ Mrs. Random gal on a puddle of shit
“That's hot.”
~ Paris Hilton on Mrs. Random gal's puddle of shit
Don't let appearances deceive you, a puddle of shit is quite harmless campared to its close cousin, piece of shit. Some call them more cultivated than shit pieces, some say they are simply easier on the eyes, but the puddle of shit is generally the most popular form of shit around.
At the same time, a recent survey from Rolling Stones magazine showed that more than 90 percent of those surveyed had never been in close contact with a puddle of shit, before. Those who hadn't heard of shit puddles before could not comprehend how a puddle of shit could be any better than its solid form, yet those who had all know very well they are. The magazine concluded that proper Shit Education should be formally introduced to all American schools.
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[edit] Habitat
First of all, it must be made clear that puddles of shit are not those naturally found in your bathroom toilet. Human-excreted semi-solid shit, by common name sloppy poo, is a completely different class of shit as it often contains solid pieces. Shit puddles are made of pure shit in liquid form - a viscous material that is quite dark and opaque. Very few people are known to excrete puddles of shit, but the few who do are often the subject to those idolizing, young admirers and respect from the community. In true show of culture, most puddle shiters do not excrete into ordinary toilet bowls, but may do so in more extravagant ways.
Wild puddles of shit are most abundant in the thick rainforests of say the Amazon. Some puddles of shit are found in public parks, though often mistaken for mud puddles, and a few have adapted to urban life, lurking under parked cars or even domesticated.
[edit] Life
Due to their actual rarity, not much is known about the puddle of shit's life, usage or purpose besides a collection of anecdotes from those who knew, met or owned a puddle of shit. The high-profile celebrity Tom Cruise was said to have been married to a puddle of shit, once, but it turned out it was meant figuratively.
[edit] In ancient times
In Ancient Egypt, puddles of shit were sacred and were often well-treated by their finders or occasionally sacrificed in holy rituals to the Gods. The pharaoh was said to be the only one capable of excreting puddles of shit, and anyone who claimed to do the same were immediately executed in a mush room.
In Mayan culture, puddles of shit were stored away to be ritualistically used in times of war. Not just for body painting but also to trick their enemies into thinking the Mayans were the legendary and abominable Shit Men.
[edit] In foreign cultures
The people of India find not only cows sacred, but their shit puddles even more so. The lucky few whose cows shit puddles are considered the most lucky, and the puddles are drunk ceremoniously to ward off evil spirits effective for a month. On a side note, corny poo - poo with undigested pieces of corn from last night embedded in it - is considered a good medium to dip into shit puddles for extra luck in horse-race betting.
Grues are thought to bathe in puddles of shit, which explains their excellent skin.
[edit] In contemporary times
One particular fad that currently is taking hold of the public is the My Pet Puddle of Shit® line by ACME. The product is not actually a real puddle of shit, but a synthetic replica with cute little eyes. It won't require maintainance, it won't run away and it won't die. The patent is making billions of dollars as we speak.
Real pet puddles of shit are naturally harder to come across, firstly because it's hard to find a puddle of shit and secondly because it may not like living with humans. However, some particularly rich individuals can be found having one as a pet. People like Richard Branson and Paris Hilton have more than one in their backyard, and they play with them every day. They comment that playing with a puddle of shit is one of the most beautiful things of life. Angelina Jolie has tried to adopt one from Indonesia.
[edit] Famous puddles of shit
It is exciting to know that some puddles of shit have found themselves famous and being engraved in the tablets of history for the future awareness of shit puddles. The most famous puddle of shit at the moment is none other than Daniel Radcliffe for his portrayal of the title character in the line of Hurry Potty movies. He is currently adopted by Angelina Jolie.
Other famous puddles of shit include Calvin - the first shit in space; Knutty - the baby puddle of shit that won the hearts of millions; Oswald - the assassin of John F. Kennedy; and Jerry Steinfeild - half-funny comedian/actor.
[edit] Triva
- Puddles of shit can not be found in Singapore.
- The Easter Bunny is one famous animal that shit puddles, and it's chocolate flavored too.
- Michael Jackson is not a puddle of shit as most suspect.
- The word shit has appeared on this article 67 times. The word a only appeared 35 times.
