Punk
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“Some guy once asked me, 'What's punk?' and I kicked over a trash can and said, 'That's punk'. So then he kicked over a trash can and asked, 'Is that punk?' and I said, 'No, that's trendy'.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Punk
Legs Mc'Neil first coined the term punk. The Velvet Underground was the first punk band. Those who know choose not to believe. Adam Ant invented Hardcore Punk. Lord Crust made the sub-genre crust punk. Phil and Pat made up folk punk. One fateful day when an oak tree fell in the woods, they carved a bass out of it. Tomas Kalnoky invented ska-punk.
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[edit] The Music
Punk guitar generally follows follows three chords - Dmajor, Amajor, Emajor, and on rare occasions, KENNYmajor and "FUCKmajors!!!". It is not necessary to hit these chords accurately, or as played on your record. The crowd's copious malt liquor consumption and your "mine goes to 11" Marshall stack more than compensates for any musical fuckups. This is true for all subgenres of punk, excluding ska(including ska). In the late 70's, a few punk rockers disagreed. This earned them the title of "new wave faggots." While some claim they are still part of the punk family, pissing all over everyones dicks, anyone who tells you such is probably a balding poser who is pissed off that he never got to see Blondie in person. This was to be substantially repeated in the nineties, with the rise of such cuddly and refined bands as Blatz and Blink-182. According to a study by Liberty University, for every extra chord the bands learned, their aggregate record review grade dropped by a whole letter grade.
[edit] The Subgenres
Horror-punk- Also known as shitty bitch-punk. Some people claim that other bands exist under this category, but punk elders and reputable sources have decided otherwise. Listening could cause you to dress up like a dipshit who died and rotted in Hot Topic, fuck the dead, or otherwise become a menace to civil society. That, or make you a emo-cunt-republican monster.
77-punk- Punk music that sounds like a bad ripoff of the Sex Pistols. Unless it actually is the Sex Pistols, who are in reality all idiots who were being played by Malcolm McLauren the band manager.
Hardcore punk- Hardcore punk is all about trying to appear as a "hard" guy. However, if you are from a white suburb, how tough can life be? That's why most hardcore bands, sooner or later, turn to some weird extremist ideologies - communism, veganism, incest, whatever - hoping it would grant them instant street credibility. While this posturing might scare preteen girls, it doesn't make up for not being around in 1977.
-SUB SUB GENRE! Anarcho Punk. like hippies, but angry instead of stoned (they may be stoned too, but this doesn't stop their anger). THere has only ever been two anarchopunk bands that existed for more than a week, and that is Crass and the ridicoulously prepubescant girl sounding Anti-Flag. All others broke up due to being insane, or became Crustpunk/Stenchcore. they blame The State, Capitalism, and Patti Smith.
-SUBSUBSUB GENRE! Crust Punk , also called stenchcore. seeing as all the anarchopunks never bathed, they eventually got smelly and sick, causing their music to become less logical as introduced to things to punk which no one liked: metal and being able to play, and their vocals to sound like a puking retard screaming for his drugs.
-SUBSUBSUBSUB GENRE! STREET PUNK Streetpunk are punks that think there from the hard streets, but are just a bunch of suburban white guy that get there mommies to buy them $120 bondage pants and too much time of how "punk" they look. They usually have fake british accents and pretent it's jolly ol'england back in 1980.Everyone hates these posers. They eat shit because its punk and know that its a sick sick world.
Pop-punk- Unsurprisingly, the above mentioned hardcore punk kids realized they weren't cut out to be punkers. Soon, the music they played became more emotional and mellow. By the early nineties, you could hear bands such as Blatz whining about their non-existent girlfriends and the occasional ill-feeling towards the government. According to Blender, this is the true and only remaining progeny of the punk revolution. Just like Uncyclopedia, Blender and Rolling Stone never lie.
Straight-edge- A cult started by Ian Mac Kaye, it has evolved into an excuse for being violent to anyone who enjoys cigarettes and beer, or Heaven forbid, a cheeseburger. The music sounds like hardcore, but is even more monotonous and macho. The fashion revolves around such transgressive items as Nike running shoes, Nike track shorts, and Nike baseball caps. A common theory is that straight-edge is what occurs to jocks when they discover punk.Easily the most violent of all the Punk sub-genres its is ironic as it preaches goodwill towards all vegans.
Emo According to a few diehards, emo originated in DC and was a more melodic branch off of hardcore punk. Not so, they must be forgetting history in their old age. The true origin of modern emo was in 2001, with the release of Jimmy Eat World's masterpiece, Bleed American. Emo music is characterized by it's whiny rants about failed relationships, saccharine sweet poppy hooks, "I'm so hardcore" posturing," and androgynous bordering on female appearance. The latter is true for female emos as well, don't ask why. You can usually find emos at your local mall, either buying overpriced razor blades at Walgreens, or handfuls of gelly bracelets at Hot Topic. According to the infinite foresight and wisdom of Oscar Wilde, the gravy train will end sometime in 2008, and Pete Wentz will subsequently end up on the dole. He also has prophesied that Policy of Three and Hoover will reunite with slickly produced mainstream bids soon after. Good riddance!
D'Beat Bands formed around a secret ideology discovered when one beats ones head against something (possible a government building or police person )to the same rhythm as the drum beat favoured by the band Discharge. Often Ex metal fans who having grown disillusioned with the teachings of the metal gods KISS and their martyred son Dimebag Darrel have discovered the underground world of pre heavy metal punk noise to which they now slavishly cling.
Ska Punk Street punk attitude, with horns and extremely happy music. They happily celebrate how much they hate their job and their hometown. They have a dance known as skanking. They skank for about nine hours a day, up and down a select street. Then, they sing about this as a bad ass experience, except its not. Its the gayest shit a human being will ever witness in their lives. Who the hell thinks playing a trumpet is bad ass?
[edit] Lifestyle
“Before punk, I was known as Oscar Mild.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Punk
"I hate you, Dad!"
Such words uttered by nearly any member of the punk subculture, almost all of those involved have an issue with their parents and/or whole family. One particularly punk rock individual was Chris Benoit, who took it to the next level by.. well.. ya know.
Another attribute of the typical punk rocker is to bathe as little as possible. Women in particular adopt this attribute then take it even further by letting their body hair grow to lengths that rival even the hairiest eastern European men not unlike their arch-nemeses,the hippies who from the time of woodstock have also grown their body hair.
Often times they choose the lifestyle of a homeless person, even though they have a cell phone and a credit card backed by their rich parents tucked away deeply in the depths of their ragged clothing.
[edit] Future of Punk
"NOOOOO FUTUUURRRRRRRREEEEE NOOO FUTTTUUUURRREE FOR ME!"
Such were the prophetic word of the Sex Pistols, Punk's former God, now reduced to the level of patron saint. The incredible insightfullness of this analysis pissed off their peers, Crass, who were jealous because they played their instruments even worse then Sid Vicious after a shot of heroin and a "quickie" with Nancie Spungen. In their frustration, they postulated that "punk was dead." From such, we got the competing vision:
"Yes that's right, punk is dead
It's just another cheap product for the consumers head
Bubblegum rock on plastic transistors"
The Exploited, Britain's finest punk band to come after The Exploited, prepared their eloquent rebuttal. Called "Punk's not dead," it explained in uncertain terms why punk was a thriving and still relevant genre of music:
"Punk's not dead, oh no it's not"
Supposedly, the song had a few more lyrics, but nobody seems to remember them. I think the other words were too large. Crass never conceded defeat too their rebuttal, and so this argument continues to this day, only framed around whether poserish pop-punk bands like Blatz and emoemo bands like Rites of Spring represent a continuation of the punk rock lineage.
