Punk rock
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“Never mind the bollocks, here's Lady Windemere's Fan!”
~ Oscar Wilde on punk rock
“Take away, take away, take away this ball & chain...and these handcuffs. They're eradicating my circulation. It's like having castrated hands, y'know?”
~ Social Distortion on even though they weren't punk rock.
Spunk Rock is an expensive and rare material produced from the crusty droplings of prepubescent bedroom activity. Such rocks take years to form, and are carefully harnessed by carpet dwelling "Twats" (a hybrid of Trolls, Owls and Rats) and left to harden in their massive unecessarily large nostrils. Twats with excessive amounts of Spunk in their nostrils start to bay, a sign that they will soon go into hibernation until the Spunk is ready for consumption. In this stage of harvesting, there must be a continuous supply of McVeeties tea biscuits to the growing spunkling rock but as this process can take between 10-20 years, it is common that the Twatbernators often die in the process, hence increasing the demand for the rock in the market even more so.
The best piece of Spunk was harvested by a Mr. Bee Fotterum, who lay in hibernation for over 35 years. It was put into the market at a price of £17000000000 in the Spunk market Spunkea, and such a rush to get hands on the rock caused crowd trampling at the doors of Spunkea. The harvester of the rock Mr Fotterum did not live to see this glory however, he died shortly after the Rock was taken from him due to the nosebleed that was resulted. (This incident created the recent trend of Blood Spunk, but Twats soon learned to apply Nobbisil on the nesting area of the nostril preventing such careless deaths.)
[edit] Punk in the 1800s
Punk originated in the working classes of 1800s Britain, where, in bars known as "Pubs", Workers would release the pent up rage they felt at their employers by playing fast-paced, sexually charged, political, badly enunciated music to small audiences. The instruments were mostly steampowered and so the songs were limited to under 4 minutes. For more information on early punk, (which was a lot like modern punk but there was no progression from one to the other, they happened individually) see Steampunk
[edit] Punk in the 20th century
Modern punk rock originated in 1974 with Hard Labor, the last studio album of rock supergroup, Three Dog Night. Three Dog Night, which up until Hard Labor had maintained a watery, "gay" sound without so much as an ounce of testosterone evident in any aspect of their music, did nothing to change that approach. However, it was their inclusion of the scorching "Anytime Babe" - which clocked in at a blistering three minutes and seven seconds - that Three Dog Night unwittingly ushered in the punk era. Soon, musical acts from Air Supply to Kansas were making songs that were almost shorter than four minutes.
As the public became ever used to rock songs that did not, at a minimum, last five minutes without the guitar solo in the middle, they also became increasingly fascinated with the concept of "distortion," a technical method of making guitars sound harsh and fuzzy, which may or may not have been pioneered by Les Paul. Or did he invent the electric guitar?
In any case,
[edit] Punk in America
Punk rock was introduced to America in the seventies and sucked. It never got popular because well..it was a bunch of skinny, heroin addicts and anti-social scumbags trying to act cool and create a new counterculture like the ones the damn hippies created in the sixties. However, it was popular in night clubs specifically in New York City where juvenille delinquents desperate to belong wore tight clothes, and died their hair gay colors to fit in. Mainstream America soon realized that it wasn't revolutionary rock but instead a bunch of whinny drug addicts who couldn't play music for shit.
I however do know about punk rock in the 80s. There was like this spreading of deadly germs by this scientologist doctor named Darby Crash. He created a cult in Los Angeles and they used an "X" or a black flag or something as their symbol. Anywho, people sat around and did heroin and stuff and it was cool to not know how to play your instruments, so they didn't know how to play their instruments. And there was something about dressing up like minutemen and sitting around in a circle with other guys while you masturbate each other too. Wait, what was I talking about? Anyway, those germs killed people and the people were brought back to life as punk zombies! Thus the movie Return of the Living Dead was made and then like everyone in Los Angeles got blown up in a nuclear explosion and that's why that saying "Punks Not Dead" exists cause technically it's undead cause of the zombie outbreak. Then everyone started getting cured and after that most punk rock sucked cause living people don't know how to play good punk. But all of the hardcore punks or "HXC PUNX" as they refer to themselves as keep to their radioactive roots playing such famous songs as "I have a Third penis and im not even inbred" by discharge. But that sreally it because Oprah hates punks and has started a systematic slaughter of all of those envolved. Free NYC!
[edit] Punk in the 90s
Okay, this is where I started to come in, so I know a lot more about punk these days. The first real punks were The Dead Kennedys.
Meanwhile, we had real bands that we could look up to to carry the punk banner; shit like Anal Cunt, Bad Religion, Suicide Machines, old records of the Ramones and Sex Pistols, and oh yeah, Blink-182! How could I forget these guys! They totally picked up where Green Day left off, pissing off politicians left and right and fighting for what punks have always been fighting for: Equality and peace and. . . and bubble gum and the copious wearing of converse all stars! And no government! Fuck yeah!
[edit] A new punk millenium
Hahahaha After Blink-182 paved the path, we got some more true Nazi punk bands like Skrewdriver, Landser, Relient K,Skrewdriver, MxPx, Skrewdriver, Avril Lavignes, Hanakuso, The Ataris , Son of Dork, , Hawthorne Heights, , and The Tweenies. It's clear that we're really living in the golden age of punk rock!A time when record sales don't matter to these bands,a time when they would never ever ever sell out because they are PUNX! These guys keep it real by singing about things that all real punks are going through and the things we're fighting for. like girlfriends and ex-girlfriends and of course the system!
Take love, for instance. We're all about people getting along and loving each other, as long as they're not stupid meat-heads or preppies. Well, these bands translate that into songs about relationships failing that are written with so much meaning behind them, it blows your mind! And fighting against authority? Find
[edit] Real punks today
Okay, look, I know what you're thinking.if your not an emo you are already punk so dont bother reading this. You want to know how you can find the truth and see things with open eyes, exposing corruption in the government and shit like that. Well, it's a rigorous initiation into being a punk! We don't want any flakes! Only the hardcore straight-edgers need apply! If you think you can stay straight and live as Minor Threat would have lived, then here's what you need to do to become a punk.
- Buy your clothes at Thrift stores (no, not Wal Mart, thats contributing to the evil corporations!)
- Get a skateboard
- Join a punk band
- Don't vote for or even watch anything that has to do with MTV fuse or anything else on tv
- See concerts by other local punk bands and support the scene
- Complain about the politics you know nothing about
- constantly tell people to fuck off
- Dye your hair a colour that will make your mom mad
- Don't Sell-Out,what's selling out you say?,it's when you give up your self-respect,kinda late for you huh?
- Act as if you don't care about anything in this world(Even if you do).
Okay, cool. Now you're a punk. Congratulations on rising above all that fucking bullshit that America is trying to sell us on.
But, seriously, don't go all Nazi punk. That's not cool! Plus, when in Boston, Friends Stand United will be all over your sorry ass. You don't want that, do you?
[edit] Punk symbols
Since punks usually want "shock" value, they tend to use offensive symbols, such as swastikas, hammer-and-sickle symbols, and of course, the big ol' letter "A" which obviously stands for Anarchy or a place with no government or leadership of anykind. But in reality, that would never work because stupid little preppies and people like that will always be trying to fuck over our equality and get more for themselves even though they've got daddy's 2007 BMW. That's so not enough. Just one BMW. *gasp* It is also known however that nearly all punks are rich themselves and just pretend to be poor to be a "unique individual". They are huge posers and worse then the preps.
WHOA WHOA. HOLD ON THARR. Nothing is worse than the preppzorz. Not even chocolate Godzilla.
[edit] Punk Rock Gangsters
Yes, there is such a thing. This is a new breed of confused teenagers of whom are driven by testosterone and the desire to be cool, apparently forgetting that pretending to be gangster is never, ever cool. They are wiggers who have been left in the dust by their clique; however, they still have hope. They can still be tough as a white kid by dressing in black clothes and the classic studded belts, yet still sagging their pants and buying basketball shoes. These people are unwanted and only love each other. They are not cool, most likely slightly moronic, and would most definitely run away if actually confronted in a fight.
[edit] Rivalry with Metal
Punk rock and heavy metal have notably engaged in several violent wars for control of all music considered loud, fast, and hated by elderly people. They decimated each other until they were joined in the Treaty of Grunge Terms of the treaty state that punk rock remain in control of rock music tuned in drop C# or higher and heavy metal maintain control of rock music tuned any lower or involving breakdowns.
Unfortunately the peace didn't last long after the death of General Kurt Cobain, and violence ensued once more. However, the two forces may still have a chance to be united over their shared hatred of Emo rebels within both factions. Because everyone else loves emo kids.
