Puppy Huffing
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Puppy Huffing is a variation on the drug addiction kitten huffing, which sprang up in the late 90's. Many agree that Puppy Huffing is much more dangerous and extreme than standard kitten huffing because it requires consumption of the entire puppy's body, instead of just the injestion of the soul as in kitten huffing.
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[edit] Aquiring a puppy
The first step to huffing a puppy is to acquire one. There are several ways of doing so. The simplest is to purchase one from a puppy pusher. These street vendors form a black market network of huffers and pushers who make a profit selling puppies by the litter. The second method of acquiring puppies is to purchase and grow a Puppy Tree. These are generally found in the tropics, most notably in and around Brazil (This may have contributed to the country's historical domination by dogs).
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[edit] Huffing your Puppy
The actual process of huffing the puppy actually differs quite greatly from kitten huffing. Here now is a step-by-step beginner's guide to puppy huffing.
- Step 1- Grasp the puppy firmly by the tail and raise it to about chin level.
- Step 2- Cup your hands around the muzzle of the puppy. Unlike kittens, puppies tend to have a long pointy snout which serves to widen your throat as the puppy's body starts it's journey through your digestive system.
- Step 3- Blow gently into the puppy's mouth and nostrils. This will help neutralize the puppy's protective toxic breath, which is used in the wild to hunt and paralyze grues.
- Step 4- Inhale suddenly and deeply through your mouth. Take caution to avoid the puppy's primary armament, its claws, which are longer and sharper than that of the kitten. These can rip through grue hide with the power of spoiled cabbage.
- Step 5- Keep your mouth open wide, as the process of swallowing may push the extremely toxic puppy shit forcefully out of the animal's rectum.
- Step 6- You should now be extremely high. Wait 3-5 minutes for the puppy's dead body to pass through your small intestine and slip out of your anus. WARNING: If the puppy comes out of your asshole legs-first, it is recommended you call a doctor right away, as you may need to receive a C-Section to avoid permanent injury to your ass.
[edit] Disposing of the Puppy
One cannot simply toss away the corpse of the huffed puppy. There is a ritual that must be followed to the letter. First, fill a white plastic trashbag full of cold water (Drawstring bags are fine, but quad-flaps will not work). Next, wrap the puppy's body in a blue towel and lower it into the bag face-up. Then, say the following chant:
Chant this 5 times, than play the song Jesus Of Suburbia by Greenday for 12 hours (Puppies love pop-punk). Failure to perform this ritual will result in the puppy's soul coming out of your ass and eating you. This has happened to me 7 times.
[edit] Choosing a puppy
The many breeds of puppy allow for a greater variety of huffs to suit each individual's needs. The fabled Golden Retriever puppy is said to be quite favorable and great for begginers. Like orange kittens, they are said to "Fuck you up REAL good!" Some breeds will affect the huffer in different ways. For example, huffing a greyhound puppy will give the huffer super speed for several hours and allow him to run like hell. Huffing a St. Bernard puppy will cause the huffer to swell to the size of an elephant, though most die in the process of shitting out the body. Furthermore, huffing the puppy of a wiener dog will... well, it beats the hell out of viagra.
[edit] See also
| The Huffers of Today Are The Criminals Of Tomorrow!. | |
| Kittens | |
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| The Non-Huffable Kitten - The leader of the team and the most powerful kitten in the universe. | The Partially Huffable Kitten - The laughing stock of the group and the first animal to have a brain transplant. |
| Groups and Events | |
| Anti Kitten Huffing Movement (AKHM) - The group that took the first stand against kitten huffing. | Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet - The first attempt to cross a kitten and communism, which resulted in destruction of Earth. |
| Articles Of Warning | |
| Extreme Kitten Huffing: Addictions - Information about huffing and what it does to you. | Terminal Huffer's Syndrome - Please read if you want to avoid a disease that is possibly the most terrible, unthinkable disease of 2007. |
