Purgatory
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“An awful place, they made me look at naked pictures of Ayn Rand.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Purgatory
Look familiar? It should you heathen. (Take note that this is a COLOR photo, so it's REALLY black and white.
Purgatory is a nether realm colloquially referred to as “the P.O. Box of Hell”. Scenically located on the eastern shore of the river Styx, several annexses can also be found encroching on terra firma. The same six Muzak tracks are broadcast over and over, although at least they are randomly shuffled. There is a seventh, All Along the Watchtower, but this song can be requested only during the lunch hour.
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[edit] Population
Sexless, uncreative sinners are imprisoned in Purgatory until such time as they-
- Clean up their act and start believing in God, Jesus, Mohammad, Krishna, Indra, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Magnificent Mormo or any other deity with at least half a million worshipers.
- Stop wanking around and get down to some real sinning.
- Avenge their untimely death by influencing mortal agents to kill their killers.
- Convince someone on Earth to pull their feeding tube out.
- Beat their womb addiction to crack, and pass their G.E.D. exams.
- Get a real job where they get a freakin' office.
[edit] Lighting
Purgatory is continuously illuminated by 100 Million 18 Watt single fluorescent tubular light bulbs, except for the restrooms where every fifth tube is set to flicker on and off as irregularly as possible, and the rest run at half-power.
[edit] Telephone
You will be answering your own phone. Not answering it is construed as a sin, and may help you get the Hell out of Purgatory. For the enjoyment of others, please listen to voicemail over your speakerphone. Replay messages as loudly and as frequently as you like. I can’t overstate this enough - Purgatory is for losers, that’s why you're here. You were too afraid of The Law to do evil, and you were too lazy to be good. And you're certainly not worthy of a secretary.
[edit] Printers
Denizens of Purgatory have access to black and white copiers, and printers. Color printers are reserved for the upper management office dwellers of Heaven.
[edit] Threatened Existance
The Vatican has recently issued a decree that may close down purgatory for good. Many theists have opposed the move, saying that the terminally mediocre have to go somewhere to avoid crowding the currently more selective afterlifes. A spokesman from the Vatican issued the following statement; "Obviously, people are going to be uneasy with these changes, but we at The Vatican, Inc. feel that we get very good results from simply admitting that the past thousand or so years of rulings were a mistake and quite possibly made up while high, insane or clinically dead. When people start pretending that purgatory never existed, we feel the transition will be made much easier." Supporters of the move highlight The Crusades as a case of this working very well.
