Purple Jesus

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Purple Jesus

When Jesus returned to Earth after his crucifixion, he noticed humanity was still as drunk and stupid since before His death at the cross. Pleading with his father, he wanted another, less noticeable assignment to save the human race. Not wanting Jesus to give up so easily, the great Lord at first declined.

Since he officially died, Jesus was basically an undead roaming the earth to protect humans. This led to many near exterminations by Catholics and the Ghostbusters, since they perceived reborn Jesus as being a zombie, a mock created by Satan to haunt the faithful.

The Lord almighty finally stepped in to aid his son, giving him a skin refreshing treatment and assigning him to less visible missions. Jesus became known as Neo Jesus. Since then Jesus has spent his time marauding the galaxy battling many demons and hell-spawn.

Satan, or Stan or MR Anderson as he liked to be called, lured Neo Jesus back to the cradle of humanity. Satan teamed up with the evil Nazi Hitler and a ferocious battle ensued deep within the Fuhrers hidden bunkers while the Russians moved into Berlin. The battle was long and fierce, but eventually Neo Jesus prevailed. In a last ditch effort, Nazi Hitler sprayed a chemical compound (the Purple Haze) on Jesus which was meant to kill the human savior. However, due to the skin treatment Neo Jesus received centuries earlier, the chemicals reacted in such a way that they turned Neo Jesus' skin purple.

With the Russians moments away from entering the underground control center, Jesus teleported away and continued to do battle against Satan in the depths of hell. Jesus, though not entirely successful in stopping Stan once and for all, managed to trap the dark lord in a pocket dimension (Aka a PokeBall), where he was to remain for thousands of years.

God was not able to cleanse Neo Jesus from his new skin condition, dubbed 'Purple Jesus', and the name stuck.

Currently, Purple Jesus is having a bit of fun with a few saucy bitches of the Shoulder of Orion on his flagship 'Purple Helmet'. But his senses warned him that the Dark Lord has once again resurfaced on far away earth...

He originally was lord of the mighty 'Shmurple' race (a race much like gnomes or goblins but fatter, angrier and more purple).

It has become discussed that God may be a woman, as Purple Jesus is confirmed to be the son of God and Satan. However, this may be a misspelling of 'Stacy'. In all, it's a matter that needs development.

[edit] The Drink

The Purple Jesus(AKA The Screaming Purple Jesus, 67 Proof) is a miraculous drink. It has been known to cure intelligence and smoking at the same time. Despite the advantages, the disadvantages are more severe. If one is to drink this liquid, a third arm will sprout from the the top of the head. The arm must be watered consistantly every day to prevent infection.

[edit] What you'll need:

• 1 ham juice
• 1 part grape juice
• 1 part rum
• 1 part more rum
• 1 part the rest of the rum
• 1 part Jesus Flakes
• 17 holly summers
• 1 part Lisa Bonet liver (cooked)
• 1 part Greg McCalister
• 1 part yodeling grandmother

U still here Dood???
 no im goj n to ninja jesus  GO THERE!!! scroll down a bit

[edit] Directions

1. Throw everything in a cup or hollowed out candle (butter toffee) if cup is not available.
2. Drink the contents of the container.
3. Repeat steps 1-3 until you can't read this.
4. Then think about what your going to do with your life.....