Québec
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Louis-Philippe is a HOMOSEXUAL | ||
| Official language | Gurgling, coughing, swearing, cussing, pretending they have a culture mais en Francais, seulement, Indo-Acadian | |
| National Anthem | Ler Merde say-eh | |
| Motto(s) | I remember....yeah I know really inspiring | |
| Capitale | Mont Tremblant | |
| Largest City | Kaybek Citeh | |
| Presidente | "hairy sheep" a.k.a. Jen Charette | |
| Established | never | |
| Currency | cigarettes | |
| Molson Exports | English-speaking people | |
| Ambition | Sit on their lazy butt all day and think about what to do to piss off Canada. | |
Contents |
[edit] Quique fâçts
- Name
- le Bas-Canada (Lower Canada), simply le Québec, or the shithole on the other end of the country
- Capital
- Québec City, "la vieille capitale" or "la capitale nationale"
- Status
- Self-proclaimed distinct society, dictatorial region
- Elected official
- Le bonhomme Carnaval, who rules with the help of his lutins henchmen
- Currency
- The Piasse. Can be divided in 100 sous or four 30 sous.
- Banking
- Québec only has two banks, the National Bank and the Laurentian Bank. The rest have all moved to Toronto. Québecois therefore conceal their cold cash in a caisse of pop so that no one will find it hidden among the Pepsi and everybody else...
- Geography
- Located at the top of Interstate-87, 89 and 91 just past the ski hills of Vermont, in north-american siberian plateau.
- revolution française but kept alive by gardener Alphonse Desjardins.
- Government
- Constitutional monarchy in which hockey is king and Manon Rhéaume is queen. In the event of no hockey, Québec's rulers are chosen through an archaic and lengthly process known as «Pornstar Académie».
- Economy
- Quebec owews 1.00$ to Africa, Russia and Zipton 8.
[edit] 'âute çuisine
La belle nation-inside-a-nation de Québec is known for its restaurants, les «casse-croutes».
The «casse-croute» (literally, "to break the crust") is a unique Québec cultural experience. These small, local independent restaurants line the old potato king's highway (Le roi de la patate), le «chemin du roi», as it follows the path of the mighty St. Lawrence River all the way from Upper Canada to the Gaspé Peninsula.
Typical «casse-croute» fare include «les hambourgeois» (the equivalent to a hamburger in the provinces, but twice as pretentious) and «la poutine» (a unique and world-renowned Québec delicacy made from cheese curds, freedom fries (also known as french fries to anybody that isn't a total retard), and gravy (may also cause diarrhea if eaten with ketchup, vinegar, and pretty much anything)).
Other traditional Québécois restaurants are primarily «les érablières» or «les cabanes à sucre», maple sugar cabins located deep in the bush which primarily serve traditional lumberjack food such as «les oreilles de crisse» (ears made from some sort of pig fat which defy translation).
| «Caution!» (Like, caution, eh?) | One must be careful («prendre soin», take care) with the use of the French language when ordering food in Québec. One slip of the tongue and instead of ordering «la poutine» (French fries with gravy and curd cheese) you may find yourself eating «la putain» (one of the delectable «filles de joie» or "ladies of the night"). |
«Danger!» (Like, danger, eh?) | One must be doubly careful when ordering in «le restaurant». One slip of the tongue can make the difference between ordering «le poisson» (fish) or asking for «le poison» (which is what it appears to be, namely poison). Otherwise, at the end of the meal, instead of saying «j'ai fini» (I'm done) that might just be «je suis fini» (I'm done for...). |
[edit] Géeauxgrâphy
Almost seven times the size of France, with thirty times the ice and snow. Québec's population clusters on its south border, located exactly halfway to the North Pole. Perhaps it's the more moderate climate in the south, or perhaps it's because everyone is positioning to get the hell out when the nation-inside-a-nation self-destructs, err, «separates».
- Montréal
- The largest French-speaking city outside Paris, Montreal was named after one of the big-five Canadian banks. The bank itself has since moved to Toronto, as has the Royal Bank.
- Montréal is the home of the Big Owe (le «gros bol de toilette»), home of the money-losing 1976 Summer Olympics and the now-defunct Montréal Expos baseball club. Key Montréal exports include smoked meat, bagels, Molson beer, and hockey. Like regular French they surrendered in 1776 to the USA.
- Québec City
- The most informative (behind Montréal-Laval) and the oldest (founded 1608), Québec City is known as «la vielle capitale» (the unwanted) for its narrow, awkward roads which mostly run vertically as the city was built as a walled city so that canada would not have to deal with french seperatists that wanted to make canada a french-only fascist state, also its a city on a cliff to annoy the English. The English invaded it anyway, landing upriver at the historic Plains of Abraham, and once the Wolf was at the door the French régime was history.
- The only industries are «la function publique» (nation-inside-a-nationial bureaucracy) and tourism; Québec City therefore depends on the English to keep invading every year and to bring their cameras. Fortunately, an image is worth a thousand words in both languages.
- Lévis
- Named by Jean, the former prime minister, Lévis is the only city in Québec to be made entirely of blue denim. Lévis is situated opposite Québec City, right near the inseam, and is known primarily for shipbuilding, its credit union, and being named after an old pair of denim pants.
- Ottawa-Gatineau
- The third-largest of Québec's metropolitan areas, Ottawa-Gatineau is unique among major Québec cities in that it is mostly in Swaziland. It's also the deputy capital of the World. Sleazy discos that are open late are a plus!
- Basically an abandoned lumber camp. Home of Scott and Eddy (those two guys who make paper), the population of Gatineau is mostly bored Canadian federal swivel servants and the primary export is red tape in both official languages.
- The lost city of Hull has been renamed after its largest suburb, Gatineau, by closet FLQ sympathisers who don't like the idea of such a major centre being named after Kingston-upon-Hull, England.
- Don't bother asking the Québec government for directions to «la région de la capitale nationale»; they have no idea where in Gatineau (or Ottawa, or Kanata, or wherever...) that is and will most likely misdirect you to Québec City. Les Montréalais will merely yawn at you.
- Trois-Rivières
- A hoax. There aren't three rivers... only two. April fish!, uh I mean April fools!
- Actually, the third river is created by the fact that if you look at the "T" shaped intersection, it makes the horizontal line look like two different lines separated by a vertical line. It's also because there is no number 2 in the French language.
- Drummondville
- Drummondville was built to house fictional cartoon character Hi-Ha Tremblay, favourite target of jokes by the now-defunct Croc magazine (who went broke importing MAD). Now home to «le village québécois d'antan», the village of yesteryear.
- Rivière du Loup
- Literally "the river of the wolf", Rivière du Loup is inhabited primarily by wolves. Unfortunately for the French, the wolves take orders directly from General Wolfe, an Englishman famed for leading the Battle of the Plains of Abraham which led to the defeat of Québec.
- La Malbaie
- La Malbaie (the bad bay) was invented by famous watchmaker Jacques Cartier, then promptly abandoned as an annoying place due to being a bay with no water upon arrival of low tide. Not to be confused with Hudson's Bay (which is merely an annoying department store) or eBay (where shipping problems become frustrating enough to make one homesick for La Malbaie).
- Gaspé peninsula
- Gaspé is short for «gas-pay, or if you want to buy gas here, be prepared to pay...». Way out past Rimouski, Gaspé is located just as far east as New Brunswick so it gets dark rather early. There's an ocean, a big rock with a hole in it, and precious little else to "gasp" about.
- Chicoutimi-Jonquière
- Located amongst the Saguenay River fjords near Lac St. Jean (home of the chocolate-covered blueberry), this suburb of ghost town Val-Jalbert exists to make paper and aluminium. Now named Saguenay, home of the first and only aluminium bridge. Designed especially to carry aluminium cars like the DeLorean, it was also the last aluminium bridge. While the bridge is lightweight and zero-maintenance, the cost of the 1.21 gigawatts of electricity to make the aluminium to build the bridge in the first place is ludicrous. It's also a primary test field for some compagnies and industries. A lot of new products are tested there to see how the people react and use it or not. Because of allergic reactions, the land itself often gets rashes and molting skin.
- Rouyn-Noranda
- A mining company at the end of the Road to Rouyn. This is where you go if you offend le Bon Dieu, Québec's deity and owner of the famed Hôtel Dieu.
- Val-D'or
- A small city of 35.4545333 habitants at the very edge of Quebec (the part that is inhabited, that is). The city's name, which means Gold Valley, comes from a drunken 70 year old amnesiac drunkard who said in 1920 J'ai vu les roches briller calisse! (I saw the fucking rocks shine) Since then it became a busy village with 2145622 unsuccessful mines and 35 times more curses.
- James Bay/la Baie James
- A remote northern Cree territory, from which Hydro-Québec extracts massive amounts of hydroelectricity (or, as they call it, électricité). Bush pilot country.
- Churchill Falls
- A remote northern Labrador territory, from which Hydro-Québec extracts massive amounts of hydroelectricity (or, as they call it, électricité).
- Newfie country and not part of Québec at all. The Québécois managed to pull a fast one on the hapless Newfies by locking-in an artificially low price right before the hyper-inflation and the massive rise in energy prices of the 1970's. The Newfies have never forgiven Québec; they have acquired 500 septic tanks and, as soon as they learn how to drive them, they're invading Blanc Sablon.
- As much as Québec would love to build more dams in Labrador, it'll never happen due to the Newfoundland political reality «Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.»
- Even a poor fisherman has his pride. Tant pis.
- Candiac
- Once ruled by a despotic king, Candiac City began its existence as a small village on the South Shore of the ancient Town of Montreal. Back then, the area of Candiac was used as a shelter for wizards that had been evicted from their hometown. It is infamous for its ceaseless blizzards and winterstorms, that are said to be caused by the dark curse of a wandering wizard. Shortly after its creation, Candiac was in great need of a ruler. Strangers from distant lands began invading the town and soon started spreading their life-annihilating disease (today known as HIV). One of the village's wizards, The Dark Vomitron, was proclaimed "King of Candiac". It was the beginning of a dark era for Candiac. Vomitron, in his evil-ridden mind, projected to take over the entire South Shore. His dark reign plunged the village into what seemed like chaotic madness, the powerful curse would simply not lift and the villagers were soon forced to join Vomitron's evil forces, for their lives were threatened. Thus, an army of evilness and wizardry was created, and the dark Dictator was ready to take over the entire South Shore. Fortunately for the continent, fate decided otherwise. The curse turned back against Vomitron, its power too intense even for a powerful wizard to bear. A tsunami of scat came from the St-Lawrence river and engulfed the cursed village in its chunky currents. There were no survivors. All life had been obliterated in diarrhea. It was the end of the era of wizards and magic. The city was rebuilt from the ground up in 1957 and today, it is a relatively tame suburban area with the highest rate of inbreeding and gonorrhea on the entire South Shore.
- Sorel-Tracy
- An old village whose life had changed after the English conquest. Even though the facts of the year 1759 (La Revolution Bein Po Tranquille) are undeniable, some residents still claim that their lives have changed after a certain "Survenant" had paid them a visit. It is likely to confirm that there had never been such a person (or it may have been Mother Shibubu or Jay Leno) and that the region had spread due to economical boom in selling the "queues de castor", literally translated as "beaver dicks". The captured male beavers would be first smothered to death, then skinned, and their genitalia cut to make delicious meaty treats.
- The Eastern Townships
- This is a place where some dude established, proclaimed the territory to his owning and divided it in a chessboard of 64 "cantons" squares. Later there used to start Chessmaster Tournaments where the winner could claim one of these cantons to his owning. This simple principle was later used to cut territories into seigneuries, but this time by playing backgammon (what clearly explains their rectangularity).
- Sherbrooke/Magog
- The region got its name after the longest street in the whole country. In fact, Sherbrooke street is exactly 345,678 kilometers long. It passes through such cities as Montreal, Ottawa, Quebec, Bronson, and Ogrimmar. Magog city got its name from the fearsome tribe of humanoid demons that inhabited the region before and attacked everyone they met by throwing fireballs at them. Today 95% of demons have been completely assimilated, though the remains of these fiends still roam the Magog hinterlands and devour domestic sheep at night.
- Crystal Montreal
- Montreal from a distant future, this location does not exist yet. It will appear after Sailormoon Rangers will liberate Quebec from the evil spawn Tuxedo Mask.
- Pontiac
- A county in the Wild Wild West of Quebec named after the very first broken down car to be left on a front lawn in Amerique du Nord. The Quebec language police are hunted indiscriminately here for their pelts and thick skulls (secret ingredients to poutine). Brian Murray is the mayor of Shawlbyville, Pontiac County (right next to Springfield), he's also a Senator who is famous for using a Maple Leaf for protection.
- Chong!
- This city has not yet been proven to be in Quebec. It is either there or in China.
- Laval
- A big craphole also known as emo-Ville. This city is full of lonely people, called Emos. Emos are the black haired, tight jeans, and band t-shirted people you see everywhere there. For the few preps, skaters, rappers, and all, they spend their day time going to "Le Centre Laval" to beat up those Emos. If you do not know what an Emo is, you might want to come to Laval to check them out. But be careful to not talk or touch our Emos or else they may begin to Emo dance, write a poem, sing screamo, or slit their wrists, so take heed. 75% of Laval's population is Emo; the only ones who aren't highly dislike these Emos.
- Hollywood, Florida
- In spring, a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love. In winter, the middle-age man's fancy turns to thoughts of Florida, the southern most portion of the Québec land mass. Middle-aged Québecois migrate to this southern peninsula in winter because, having no teeth, they can't chew frozen poutine. Come to Hollywood in the winter to see the manatees, and their husbands in beaver skin Speedos.
[edit] 'isteauxry
It's a familiar story: Québec was settled by France sometime before you were born. But France, being too busy smoking their cigarettes, did not take advantage of the opportunities. Then the English came. And we all know what happens when France gets attacked. They seemingly hold on forever despite having inferior numbers, at which point we send double the amount of regulars, forcing a surrender. To their credit, the French did not immediately surrender. First they complained, and then they surrendered. They also got smacked around a bit in the middle. Well, actually the French killed an entire army before eventually saying "Mèrde" to the whole thing and just becoming part of the Norman founded British empire/
France then made the key mistake of propping up that lot of traitors to the Empire who threw the gov'ners tea in the harbour in 1776, causing Canada to be inundated with an influx of English refugees at the end of the American Revolution. This led to English-Canadian refugee camp Ontario separating from Québec in 1784 and declaring itself a distinct society based on its rôle as the most boring province in all of Canada after Ontario (where people go to bed at 7 P.M.)
In 1987, the country was taken over by a lunatic preacher who refused to reveal his name on the grounds that it was "for God alone to know," or, untranslated, a bunch of gibberish. The magnetic personality and legendary charisma of this nutjob allowed him to initiate the Great Quebecois Crusade, which didn't work. That's all there is to say about it.
[edit] Côleauxnisâtion
Québec was colonised by «les filles du roi» (the King's daughters), Canada's first mail-order brides.
Les filles du roi were the daughters of King Oscar Wilde, sent to Québec because they had few other prospects in the old country. As all Québecois shared a common last name, passed down from one pair of «la famille Tremblay» who arrived four centuries ago and took over the province, bringing in mail-order brides was essential in order to bring fresh blood into the colony.
The use of les métiers (the trades) as last names was widely adopted («monsieur Boucher» is the local butcher, «madame Boulanger» the local baker...) as everyone in the entire province being named Michel (or Michèle) Tremblay became far too confusing in the vast maple syrup and lumberjack camps which are the backbone of the Québécois nation.
[edit] De FLQ
Main Article: Front de libération du Québec
The FLQ, which originally had stood for Fabulous Lagers for Queers, was a group of seven English guys and one French guy who wanted to start a brewery for the gay population in Québec. (approx. 0.0009%) Tired of Canadian law prohibiting the sale of basement-made alcohol with pieces of cigarettes in it without a basement-made alcohol with pieces of cigarettes in it selling license, the FLQ decided that the best way to start a brewery for homosexuals was, rather than lobby to change laws, create new laws in a separate country from Canada. The French guy in the group, Charles de Poutine, spearheaded the idea, saying that Québec was a distinct society that should separate to preserve the rights of French Canadians and people who made beer for flaming horse-lovers and homosexuals in their basements, so in the 1960s, the FLQ changed their official name to Le Front de Liberation du Queers et Quebecois (They didn’t use two Qs because it takes too long to say FLQQ, and saying an extra Q would use up energy that could be used for lifting their arms to put their cigarettes in their mouths), and they started planting bombs on heterosexual and English lawns, demanding separation for Québec so that they could make beer for queers and Quebecois, leading eventually to the kidnapping of a British politician and a Canadian politician, and demanded gold, as well as transport to Cuba, because, as we all know, there are so many Frenchman in Cuba who would be sympathetic to middle-class French Canadian terrorists who whined about Canadian imperialist oppression. FLQQ worshipping, drug addled university and college students cut classes to protest for Québec liberation and they praised the violent traitors to the country that paid for their health care and education. Prime Minister Trudeau eventually declared martial law to find the FLQ and blow their heads off. The FLQ was exceedingly difficult to find, as their leader was describes as short, dark haired. However, they were able to find the FLQ because dePoutine had recruited more French Canadians who also never ceased to smoke. The military located a small building that stank of tobacco and had huge streams of smoke flowing out of the windows. Inside they found four dead French Canadians, whose causes of death was later proved to be a combination of cholesterol poisoning from poutine, lung problems from smoking and alcohol poisoning. Charles dePoutine, however, had survived, yet he fled. They found the Canadian politician dead in a trunk, and the British guy escaped was rescued by James Bong. Charles dePoutine remained a a drunken, tobacco-yellowed drunk.
[edit] Peauxlitiques
Québec's most famous politician was Maurice «Rocket» Richard of the «Habs» political party. He reigned from 1940-1975, when he was killed by a flying hockey puck.
His exclusion from the playoffs sparked riots which ultimately led to «la révolution tranquille», the Quiet Revolution, and the overthrow of the corrupt Duplessis conspiracy.
After his death, aggrieved French Canadians, unsatisfied that the rest of Canada was not kissing their ass and recognising their «special status», began a separation movement. The movement's stated goals were to piss off the English everywhere.
Currently a political group called Bloc Queerbecois has begun to ask for Quebec to defect from Canada to join the French. At first Canadians were skeptical but atlas decided that if Quebec so wished they could join France but only if they do so by getting the fuck out of Canada and leaving Quebec free for swedish strippers and nobel prize winners to move in. When asked though, 75% of Quebecers will tell you they don't give a shit about France, mainly because it had left its colony by itself 250 years ago. The remaining 25% can't answer the question, due to their faces being stuffed with poutine.
[edit] Éceauxnômy
The most popular job in Québec is hockey goalie. After that, it is lumberjack/lumberjill, maple syrup producer, and beret-maker. The economy of Québec depends on the key exports:
- Céline Dion
- La Frites Du La Liberté
- Poutine
- Jos'Louis pastries
- Neil Vieux (Old)
- The hockey sweater
- pea soup
- Liberal Prime Ministers
- tabagisme
- hockey players
- électricité
- snowmobiles
- maple syrup
- Unibroue beer
- Joual-French Dictionaries
- Minister Taxes
- me
- Tabarnacs
- Worldwide sexyness
- And a whole bunch of other crap
Unfortunately, there are no other Joual-speaking nations to trade with Québec, making «les exportations» most awkward indeed.
[edit] Lânguéouages
The official language of Québec is Joual. Named for a strange mispronunciation of the word «cheval» (which means horse), Joual is as synonymous as poutine with the Québécois identité culturelle.
Joual is best known for phrases like «moé, j'chus icitte, sti» (which would translate roughly into plain English as "Me, I'm fucking there" or into proper French as «moi, je suis ici»).
If you're looking for the «toilettes» while in Québec, ask for «les bécosses» (the backhouse), the closest Joual translation. Or just ask for the bathroom.
[edit] Sâcréouages
Amongst the Québécois cultural heritage, the feature that stands out is their superhuman ability to swear like nobody's business.
To swear like a proper French Canadian is not as easy as it might seem. Many gramatical subtilities take place here; for example, some curse words combine while others do not. Some more advanced forms of this use curse words in the form of adverbs, allowing sentences like "C'te crisse là j't'y en ai tabarnakement crissé une ostie d'câlisse", in which curse words are aligned to represent the whole concept. Linguists agree that, 80 years from now, Quebeckers may be using approximately 2% non-expletive words.
Driving through Montréal, also call Mini-Baghdad, is an interesting experience, in the «may you live in interesting times» sense. It's hard to tell whether the people shouting the Joual equivalent of «host of communion wafer of chalice of tabernacle of Christ in sacrément» are swearing or praying fervently to the god of the Québécois people, le «Bon Dieu!», that they make it home alive.
After extended research on the study of oral Québécois communication, it is proven their language is slightly modified into funny sounding French that uses an accent. The following consists of the daily Québécois quotes you would most likely hear. It is part of their culture.
Hé toé! Criss! Espèce de merde! Tabaaaarnak!
Here is an example at their attempt at English, unfortunately... they fail miserably.
Hi, I am happy. How are you? 'I, I ham 'appy. 'Ow har yew?
"Esti de câlisse de St-Ciboire de tabarnak de St-Sacrament de criss de viarge d'enfant de chienne" is what they say when happy.
[edit] Weauxrld deauxminatieauxn meauxndiale
The following world leaders are suspected of being Québec undercover operatives:
- every Canadian prime minister to be elected with a majority from Trudeau onward
- Vladimir Poutine, who sells french fries with gravy when not moonlighting as president of Russia
- Jana Vike-Freiberga, president of Latvia
- Bobino, entertainer
- Steve Nash, even though he is not from Quebec. Leader of the Quebec Separatist Hippie Brigade
- Captain Underpants, superhero
- Loopy de Loop, an unpopular wolf from Hanna-Barbera who tries to do good.
There may be others but, unfortunately for «la reste du monde», they remain undetected as the motoneige trail went cold before they could be tracked down and identified by Newfie intelligence operatives.
[edit] Séé âlseaux
- la loi 101
- All old French guys are funny
- Supercowboy
- Rene Levesque
- Dick
- Quebec's secret plan and the rest of canada
| This article may contain a bitter point of view. It also contains an unhealty dose of clichés and parts of it may sound borderline hateful. English, French and franglais unite on the talk page to make it funnier.
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