Qu'ran
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Allah himself has claimed that he loves his article and that it will not be destroyed like an infidel dog. Furthermore, the Jihad that was placed on this article has now been removed and its author will be proclaimed Muhammad. Fortunately, this article is sufficiently clothed and will not be blamed if it is raped.
| TERRORISTS ARE COMING! |
| This article will be destroyed by an angry muslim/terrorist. |
| Do take note of the plentiful varieties of |
| Holy Scripture |
| out there in various religions... |
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Judaism and Christianity |
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Buddhism |
“Fire I bid you to burn!”
~ the Crazy World Of Athur Brown on the power of the Qu'ran
“QU'RRAAAAAAHHHHNN!”
~ Captain Kirk on the Qu'ran
The Qu'ran is the long-awaited sequel to the Bible. It is also the name of an album by the artist formerly known as God. However, since the artist sold himself out and is now a washed up hack, we're going to tell him to go screw himself and talk about the book. It was revealed to God by Oscar Wilde, revised by Buddha, broiled in a light hollandaise sauce by Mohammed, and taken to court by Gordon Freeman. Some 1.4 billion people consider Qu'ran to be the greatest book written by JK Rowling, and indeed the greatest book ever. However, some other 2.1 billion can't even spell the word Qu'ran correctly, and the remaining 2.5 billion think the Qu'ran is a popular curry dish. However, U.S and British soldiers in Iraq think Quran is a local brand of toilet paper. Hindus, Jews, Christians and Budhists though consider Qu'ran as a cheap guide on "How to kill innocent men,women and children".
Followers of the Qu'ran believe that it is better than the Bible because it is also a book of magic. By reciting the entire book from heart, a Muslim unleashes a potent magic spell, which gives him +20 fatwa bonus on all attacking dice rolls and an extra +10 on save rolls, both which increase by 200% when facing infidel dogs. Masters of this magic have the rumored ability to mind-control their underlings and even the undead. The power of the Qu'ran magic differs on which version of Advanced Muslims and Infidels rules you are playing under. AM&I version 4 gives you the ability to create terrorists if your character is above a level 20 cleric.
The Qu'ran may not be translated into any other language from the original Arabic. If translated, the Qu'ran loses its magical properties, and then you won't be able to score that huge fatwa bonus even if you memorize the whole book.
Actually, reading the entire Qu'ran might be a bad idea, because about 12% of those who've done so have become terrorists. Those reading it have to weigh the odds into consideration. However, if you are a Republican, you are totally immune to the power of the Qu'ran.
Critics of the Qu'ran question whether it belongs in Bible canon. They point out the numerous conflicting versions of the Abraham, Moses, and Obi-wan Kenobi stories in the Qu'ran, panning it as more likely a collection of fanboy stories and fan fiction sequels rather than a proper sequel.
The Qur'an is the less-successful spin-off series of popular sit-com, "The Bible".
Contents |
[edit] Summary
The Qu'ran provides some unexpected plot twists, which keep the book mildly entertaining. For example, Jesus is found out to be a mortal man and not the Son of God after all. God also becomes somewhat schizophrenic and changes his name from Jehovah to Allah for no particular reason. There is a flashback to the Moses story about four times in the book, different every time, with almost no relevance to the rest of the book. Allah also suddenly realises that his love for humans has turned to indifference because they killed Jesus. Allah also arbitrarily decides that he likes the Arabs more than the Jews now (so much for Chosen People, suckers!). He decrees that he really digs pre-Islamic culture as well and supports Arab cultural imperialism. God also tells Mohammed to have Muslim women dress like Space Ghost, giving them fashion ahead of its time.
In the book's main feature, Gabriel decides to give up-and-coming prophet Mohammed (Smegma is up him) a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to fight Apollo Creed for the Boxing Heavyweight Championship of the World.
The Qu'ran is divided into canker sores, which are arranged from most boring to most exciting, as rated by Siskel and Ebert. There is also a set of study notes on the Qu'ran, called the Hadith. This book is informally referred to as Mohammed's Believe It or Not!, and contains a variety of crazy things Mohammed thought up after he accidentally ate a fly.
After the completion of the Qu'ran, there were rumours of further sequels — notably the Also'ran, the Seehowthey'ran, and the Bababa-baba-b'ran — but the rumours were quickly squashed. Some people feel very strongly about wasting so much time reading these books that they have taken to demonstrating in the street and burning copies of any other books they don’t like.
[edit] The Qu'ran in unpopular culture
- Allah, the author of The Qu'ran made a number of cameo appearances in Will & Grace. The show credits list him as God - his maiden name.
- Steven Seagal's (pbuh) character, Forrest Taft quotes exensively from The Qu'ran during his closing speech in On Deadly Ground. This is rarely noticed as no-one has ever watched the film through to the end.
- A blogger published informative guides for readers wishing to study the Qu'ran alongside the Hadith. No-one ever visited the site and the domain is currently being used to advertise credit services.
- Allah's semi-biographical work, The Bible features characters that would later appear in The Qu'ran.
- Islam plagiarises material from the Qu'ran but Allah has ruled-out legal action. In an interview with Time magazine published in August 2001, he said "It's not like they'll take it seriously anyway, it's just a laugh isn't it?"
- The video game rights to The Qu'ran were sold to Electronic Arts in 2002 but the resulting game was panned by critics as a poor attempt to cash-in on the popular teen-craze of Islamomania. Fewer than 12 copies were sold before the game was withdrawn.
- The Qu'ran is an incredibly tedious read. It's like a telephone directory minus the story.
[edit] Notable Excerpts
- Lols 9:11 "And the lord spoke unto all the people, Go forth and crash planes into buildings"
- Potatoes 6:6:6 " When in doubt, go kill something"
- OMFG 1:23 "And hath you seen the staring contest by Jessica Alba? Truly she gave Allah and his messenger a mighty erection"
- FukIt 4:1 "Hey mother fuckas, whats up?"
- Big Shug 1:1 "You might as well look at the bible, it's just the same but with more hatred"
- Surathul Sadako 234:462461 "I didn't sleep with him but I did sleep with him"
- Al Buruthugaal 32:11 "thou shall eat fish cause it is a dish"
- Al Dzihaadoen 6:97 Allah Akbar 98 Titler Akbar
