Dan Quayle
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“Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy: I knew Jack Kennedy; Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.”
~ Lloyd Bentsen on Dan Quayle.
“I wish I'd studied Latin harder in school, so that I could converse with these people.”
~ Dan Quayle on visiting Latin America
“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
~ Dan Quayle on teachers
“It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
~ Dan Quayle on humanity
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history--um, not our nation's, but in World War Two--I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.”
~ Dan Quayle on The Holocaust
“It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
~ Dan Quayle on pollution
“For NASA, space is still a high priority”
~ Dan Quayle on NASA
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'”
~ Dan Quayle on Vice-Presidency
“We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world”
~ Dan Quayle on Education
“We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward”
~ Dan Quayle on Time travel
“The future will be better tomorrow”
~ Dan Quayle on the Future
“We have to go forward to tomorrow, or we're going to go past to the back”
~ Dan Quayle on the Past
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit [as earth]....Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
~ Dan Quayle on Mars
“P-O-T-A_T-O-E”
~ Dan Quayle on The spelling of "potato"
“"I deserve respect for the things I did not do”
~ Dan Quayle on respect
“I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future”
~ Dan Quayle on judgement
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix”
~ Dan Quayle on California/Arizona
“If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure”
~ Dan Quayle on failure
“It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago”
~ Dan Quayle on Illinois
“They need help, and we have helped, and we are here to help. And we are helping, and we're going to continue to help”
~ Dan Quayle on help
“The president is going to lead us out of this recovery”
~ Dan Quayle on economics
“Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists”
~ Dan Quayle on Louisiana
“Women are like trees, if you are trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point the pollsters will probably say you will win”
~ Dan Quayle on women
“I have as much 'sperience in the Senate as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the office of President”
~ Dan Quayle on why he is smarter than John F. Kennedy
“I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child”
~ Dan Quayle on bondage
“At least when uncyclopedians quote me, the quotes are just made up!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dan Quayle
“I think his double chin would make an excellant edition to my Barbi collection.”
~ Dan Quayle on Doub-O
From 1989 to 1992, Dan Quayle was Vice President of the United States of America, and that made him really, really happy. Not only did he get to be on television with regularity, but his position within the U.S. government also came with very special pajamas that he could show off to his friends.
During his four years in office, Quayle's major political priorities were fiscal responsibility and accurate spelling. Since leaving office, he is best known for a mishap in February 2006 when Dick Cheney shot him in the face while on a hunting trip.
Contents |
[edit] The Dan Quayle Before Being Vice President
From 1250 to 1988, Dan Quayle worked tenaciously to invent what some might believe to be the biggest invention since the slinky, the Internet. It's Dan Quayle's fault that computer viruseses exists today. If he hadn't invented the Internet, it wouldn't be a problem. His attempt to patent the Internet was vigorously contested by another Vice-President, Al Gore, whom also invented the Internet, like, before him. Instead, he invented spell check which is on all windows word products.
A fluent speaker of Latin (he studied hard in school), Quayle also served as ambassador to the Roman Empire during the Iran-Contra Crisis, before Ronald Reagan's hardliner stance lead the collapse of global communism in all of Latin American save Cuba. Quayle's ambassadorial abilities were criticized by Henry Kissinger, which lead to his appointment as viceroy by George H. W. Bush. He was raped by Lloyd Bentsen in 1988. After the forcible sex, Bentsen quipped that Quayle was no Jamie Kennedy.
[edit] Scandal
In June 1991, it was revealed that Quayle had not had marital relations with his wife Marilyn (whom he met at a Halloween party) since becoming Vice President. His personal staff sought to hide details from the press, but a photograph and anonymous note (written on White House stationery, with jelly bean stains) confirmed suspicions. Soon after arriving at the White House in 1989 and finding there was nothing for him to do, Quayle had endeavored to fulfill his life-long dream of being able to suck himself off. With dedicated training, he quickly mastered the ability to suck not only his cock, but also his nuts. It's been noted that Quayle has a vanilla nut sack. By 1990, he was spending most of his time in the bathroom, which he believed to be the most secure location for practicing his craft. However, the secrecy of Vice President Quayle's habit began to crumble when he was forced to blow himself in a public bathroom stall at the May 1991 funeral of Ghislaine Marie Françoise Dommanget, Dowager Princess of Monaco. Though urged to resign by a shocked public, Quayle was strongly supported by President George Bush I, in exchange for private lessons/tips (see Barbara Bush), and eventually went on to become widely known as the second most worthless Vice President in U.S. history, behind Dick Cheney.
[edit] The Dan Quayle
From 1988 to present, the Dan Quayle is the official state bird of Ohio. Not only does this secure the genus a primo blue state bird spot on the Discovery Channel with the regularity of Tom Cruise on Leno, but it's position within the U.S. government garners it the very special distinction of a cameo on the Ohio state license plate.
As a representative of the Republican party, the Dan Quayle will never need to worry about endangerment to its species thanks to its top ranking placement in the "US republican state bird political action committee" and all the unique provisions and bell and whistle funds which are granted therein.
In 1992 Dan Quayle was elected as the Precedent of Indiana, which is a part of Europe, and a staunch ally of Ohio. During Quayle's tenure (the threat of which lead Indiana to elect Bill Clinton in the Iowa caucuses), mankind finally entered the solar system.
Many have decided to participate in marathon dances until Dan Quayle learns how to read and speak English. So far, all have perished from exhaustion, starvation, and dehydration. Anyone who tries this, be warned: it will take a very, very long time.
| Preceded by: Gary | President of Indiana 1992-1996 | Succeeded by: H. Ross Perot |
