Quantum
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Quantum (pronounced: ô-strāl'yə); anything that begins with a "q" can be considered quantum. Notable exceptions to this rule are quiff, quill and rhinocerous.
Quantum was originally invented in 1989 by Robert Anton Wilson and Dr. Samuel Beckett as a means to speed up the spreading of butter in sandwich shops, but it was soon recognised by the scientific community as a powerful and useful substance. He found a chunk of it on the inside of his stupid Christian tube.
Today it is largely used to design teddy-bears, but in recent months physicists have been claiming it has something to do with atoms and physics, as is their wont.
Quantum can usually be bought for as little as three coconuts and looks very fetching with a quiff.
Contents |
[edit] Quantum Studies
The study of absolute dick all (well, very very tiny things); see quark and quantum mechanics, but they are so small that we round them to nothing, like in Maths.
Quantum theory is, simply put, the theory that everything exists in more than one place at once. Less simply put, it is the theory that every thing exists everywhere and nowhere at all at the same time as well as approximately five minutes before it ever happened to be anywhere at all and disappear from existence exactly when no one really cares. Even less simply put, it states that shit happens twice even if it only happened once, excepting cases in which pepto bismol is involved.
[edit] Theory of Quantum (boring)
In 1992 a research team at the University of California, Berkeley researching the phenomenon of quantum found that if x is directly proportional to the square of x in any quantum equation, then the magnetic flux resulting from the bipolarisation of Hammond's wave density research (c.f. Hammond's wave density research, 1977) can be linked through vectorisation of common integers and furthermore means that a fundamental property of quantum can now be linked inversely to itself (Mr T et al, 1992).
In symbols, this means:
From this, it is a simple step to
in combination with the divergence theorem that
.
To make things painlessly simple for those without a knowledge of advanced hyper-dynamics:
And not forgetting:
These lead to the obvious conclusion that:
[edit] The Quantum Cat
One rather alarming consequence of quantum was, as pointed out by Schrodinger, that either cats exist, or they do not. Unable to decide which of these was true, he proceeded to make a box in which, or so he claimed, any nearby cat, assuming they existed, would be trapped. Consequently, if the box was left for a year without observation (since that would alter it, see below), either there would be a cat in it (proving the existence of cats) or there would be none. Sadly, Schrodinger's lab assistant leaked this story to the press and, wanting to discover whether cats really existed, a journalist, Pandora Higgs, opened the box. Consequently, the cat, having been let out of both the bag and the box, put a cat among the pigeons (the box was outside), and Pandora, having opened a Pandora's box, fled into the night. Schrodinger, returning from inventing his equation, found the experiment tampered with, and knew that he would never know the truth about cats (and by extension, dogs). Pandora later, having completed her PhD, began the search for cats herself, now calling them Higgs bosons. So far, she has had no luck either.
[edit] The Quantum Midget
Midgets have no souls so when they are put into a box and bombarded with photons and even buckyballs they can sometimes meet their dead selves. Schrodinger was a famous slayer of midgets. Not unlike Princess Diana or an onion.
[edit] Occurance
Theory of Quantum states that nothing can be observed without changing the outcome. This is most easily observable on Uncyclopedia (and the parody wikis thereof), where anytime a user views a page, they feel an uncontrollable urge to edit it. This is a direct result of the quantums taking over your brain.
Quantums are related to Russians, both exhibiting a propensity to occupy many locations at once and a confused outlook on life.
[edit] Quantum Smuggling
Usually conducted in the key of g7. Resonation through time and tim burton. They key to everlasting quantemness lies within tim. Look, we can all be la-de da about this, but at the end of the day we all stab the same pond. A smuggle in my direction could lead to many things. Hopefully even peas.A smuggle in ~YOUR direction on the other hand would be another matter indeed, it could lead to all sorts of ununiform standardising recrastinating verbs such as 'run'. Therefor you should change your locks.
[edit] Quantum Phobia
A general fear of smurfs.
[edit] Pure Quantum Insanity
First, allow me to explain the theory of quantum immortality. To put it in the simplest way, suppose you trap a cat in a container, completely sealed off from the rest of the world, and there's a half chance of it surviving or not. Because it's cut off from the rest of the world, nothing else will influence it, and no one will observe whether or not anything happens to it. What will happen? Suppose that at this point, reality splits into two separate realities, completely separate from each other. One where the cat dies, one where the cat survives. From the cat's point of view, it would more or less seem as if it never died, as there was always a reality in which it didn't. The only difference would be which one we would view it from afterwards, whether we would see it as living or dead.
Now, in theory, the same idea could be applied to any other living creature, and may not need to be in isolation either. Suppose you were driving down the road, and observed a pedestrian that someone had run over, just at the critical moment. He could either survive or die, two possibilities. Suppose the universe splits to reflect this, and to him, as well as anyone which ends up in the survival universe, it would seem as if he survived, but to anyone else who ends up in the reality in which he doesn't, it seems as if he died. They would most likely have no awareness of the other. By this logic, from his point of view, the man is immortal, however, he's just like anyone else from another anyone else's point of view.
We can further assume from this that in each universe, the events that follow, both related to the person directly and seperate, are different from each other. The differences are likely to be small at first, but many years later, possibly on the order of millions or billions, or maybe as simple as one or two, things would be entirely different. Take the fact that there are multiple branches, not just the one. For example, the person could have two chances to die instead of one, or - taking this to the next level, sort of - there could be two people, and the possible outcomes are that one dies, the other dies, both die, or neither do, requiring four alternate realities, each of which in the long term will end up different.
This is all small scale, however. Rather than this, imagine a large-scale event, like a major volcanic eruption or a nuclear explosion. There would be thousands or even millions of people who could either die or survive, and many possible combinations, resulting in from just one instant, quadrillions of alternate realities, if not more. Then over time, as more people die or don't die from after-effects, this means even MORE alternate universes, very quickly scaling up to unmeasurable amounts.
This also may not be limited simply to deaths or not deaths, or even limited only to things involving living creatures. For example, there could be a tree, and this creates two alternate realities - in one, it falls over, in the other, it doesn't. This also would create two universes.
Now, remember that this is not specific to any one event, but can stack up over many events, and will have done so since the beginning of time, billions of years ago. The first thing that ever happened could have not happened, thus creating an alternate reality, and then the next thing, and the next, and so on. This quickly stacks up to huge proportions. Suppose we assume that only one thing happens at a time, and there are only two possible outcomes for each thing. This still means that after the 7th thing there will be 256 realities, after the 15th there will be 65,536 realities, and after the 31st thing there will be 4,294,967,296 realities. Now bring back into consideration that multiple things can happen at a time, and there can be way more than two outcomes. For example, in the case of the tree falling, as well as falling or not falling, it could partially fall but land on something, it could fall in a number of different directions, it could be burned down instead of falling, and so on. By combining this with the time factor of many things happening, you can clearly see that, while possibly not infinite, there are so many alternate realities, that no currently available mechanism of any kind could store the number, even if it was known, which may very well be impossible. Since there will always be more possible realities than there are atoms in the universe, there are simply not enough atoms to write the number down on. Having somebody know the number is even harder than writing it down, since enough atoms to store the number on (more than exist in the entire universe) would need to be inside one person's brain. This would leave a negative number of atoms remaining for the more important parts of their body, leaving them deader than Schrodinger's cat (by at least 50%).
Now, while recent events may not have any immediate major differences, especially small ones such as whether a pen rolls off a desk or not, over the long term it may have much larger effects, since this may cause different things to be possible. As such an example, let's use the pen. Suppose by it rolling off, I pick it up and put it away, which costs me one minute. Meanwhile, in the reality in which it doesn't, I talk on MSN to a girl and say something which makes her start liking me. In the reality where the pen did roll, this does not happen as I have picked up the pen instead. The immediate effect is that in one reality, me and the girl get together, in the other, we don't. In the longer term, this could stop her from being with someone else and getting pregnant to them. This means that simply because of a pen rolling off or not doing so, in one reality a person is born, in the other, they are not.
So think about this now. In an alternate reality, in which the past is different, YOU DON'T EXIST. However, this isn't limited to someone existing or not. Maybe in another reality, you're that guy you hate from your Maths class. Maybe in yet another reality, you're a person of a different race, or a homosexual. And in another again, you're a snake on a plane. See how, through this seemingly simple idea, anything is possible? The you that is reading this is in THIS reality, maybe in another reality you're reading something else or doing something else altogether. You could be getting bullied by the person who ended up being who you are in this reality. So there's another unrelated point - be careful who you pick on, because they could be you and you could be them in another reality. Not that that matters because this isn't that one, and it can be assumed they are independant.
Now, my next point is, with all these alternate realities... which one are we in? Are we in the original one, or one that stemmed off from it? Although the chance is so small, one reality has to be directly from the original one. If we're not in it, how far off are we? One fork off? Two forks? Millions upon millions of forks?
The final point I'd like to make. Is it even worth writing this? If the universe in which you're actually you is a different one... wouldn't that mean you can't read this, and if no one can read it, what's the point in writing this? Scary, isn't it?
