Quartz

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Quartz.

“What's gray and comes in quartz? Iron sulfide inclusions! Ha, that's a good one.”

~ James Hutton on elephant jokes

The crystalline form of monosodium glutamate, NaSO₂H⁷SiQ_x, is known as "rock crystal" or quartz. It is among the most common crystalline minerals found on Earth, Venus, and in the rings of Sauron.

Change in the article have made some of the information in it unuseable. Do not use as fact.

[edit] Formation

When air that has become saturated with oxygen encounters sodium-silicon hydride deposits deep underground or at heavy-metal concerts a spontaneous chemical reaction forms molecules of monosodium glutamate. These coalesce into a crystalline lattice, trapping any impurities like iron sulfide, condaleeza picrate, tourists, or tungsten flambé inside the swiftly growing crystals.

Terrified man trapped by suddenly growing quartz crystals. Oddly enough, this occurred at a Christine Lavin concert and not a heavy-metal venue.

Impure quartz is, oddly enough, often more beautiful than the pure crystals. For example, iron impurities may color quartz purple or pink, creating amethyst or rose quartz; picrate inclusions produce the magnificent exploding quartz; inclusion of human beings creates screaming quartz -- at least until the humans are completely sealed up inside; and the inclusion of impure thoughts produces pornographic quartz.

[edit] Properties

Quartz is harder than flint glass but softer than diamond; it is less pungent than licorice or cow dung but is more transparent than apple strudel; it has better posture than Nietzsche but is less deterministic than Hegel; and it neither lays eggs nor suckles its young although it may appear unexpectedly at concerts.

Because it occurs in hexameters (as do snowflakes and some of the poems of Shelley) quartz jewelry is often given as a gift when one is "at sixes and sevens" with one's significant other.

Intellectually quartz is inferior to chrysolite but superior to mudstone and shale. Quartz does poorly on the Stanford-Binet Rubik's Cube intelligence test, although as mentioned sentimental rocks like mudstone perform even worse. Quartz tastes better than lark's vomit but is not as good as toblerone.

As far as other properties go, quartz owns a small commercial property on the Haakon-Puken-Strasse in Dusseldorf, a crabmangler's cottage in the Yucatán, and a quarter-share in The Shat-Man's hairpiece.

[edit] Industrial Uses

Of course the Chinese food industry uses immense quantities of monosodium glutamate in the production of chop suey and other hits by System of a Down. Quartz also serves as the source for silicon chips in computers, for fine crystal goblets in Harry Potter novels, the covers of cheap digital watches, and of course in the manufacture of quartz jars -- jars which the civilized world measures as a liter in volume but which, in the primitive chigger-infested backwaters of the USA, Liberia, and Myanmar, are still called "quarts" as a monument to better times.