Queen Elizabeth
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“Sequels are never good as the originals. Queen Elizabeth I has always been better than Queen Elisabeth II, partly because of her cool goth-style black clothing. Or was that Queen Victoria?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Queen Elizabeth
Although ignored in records, Queen Elizabeth I was six inches tall and liked to think sleeping in a plastic coffin ensured immortality.
Queen Elizabeth was the most famed virgin (If you exclude Heather Mills McCartney) of her time; a reputation which she was eager to erase. This led to her teaming up with three of her ladies in waiting, who all pledged to lose their virginities before coronation night. This mission was later immortalized by the play: Elizabethan Pie. However, while her friends were successful in wooing a choirboy, Lady Stifler's dad and Tara Reid, Elizabeth's hopes were dashed when Sir Walter Raleigh suddenly decided to sail off to an American band camp, where he learned how to fashion a flute out of a potato. Upon his return from the new world, Raleigh was executed.
Another potential suitor was Phillip II, King of Spain. This was Liz's best opportunity for some action, but her interest cooled upon the discovery that Phillip was a gold-digging, dwarf sized slut who only wanted her for her throne. Elizabeth took out her rage on Phillip's fleet of ships, which he had sent to England filled with Cadbury's Roses and Quality Street in order to trick her into marriage. Liz would have only committed light vandalism, but she instead sunk the fleet upon discovering that Phillip hadn't sent any of those purple hazelnut in caramel ones.
By this point, Elizabeth's search for a husband was starting to impinge on her mental health. The public knew that she had the heart and stomach of a man, but Elizabeth had also been collecting male heads, livers and six-packs. Her growing obsession with building her perfect man ended in tragedy when a pile Adam's apples fell on her and crushed her to death.
Little known is the fact that the queen had a mustache all her 10 years of middle school, was arrested 3 times, and is known in the underworld as England's best rapper. She also went through a beret-wearing beatnik period, at which time she grew a beard, wore a soul patch, and played bongos, forcing her ladies in waiting to recite one-word poems.
After her death, and with the intent of immortalizing their Queen's virginity, explorers with pink paint went out all over the world painting countries and large areas of continents pink, which was to have a long-lasting effect on atlases and globes of the Earth. North America was one of these areas. (The people in these pink places were then told that they had been discovered, confusing them completely, as they'd always known they were there, wherever "there" was. But they didn't have history books, so they couldn't prove it, and anyway their opinion didn't count.)
Elizabeth's father, Henry VIII, burnt Catholics for not being Protestant. Her sister Queen Mary burnt Protestants for not being Catholic. Liz herself burnt Catholics for not being Jewish or Siberian. This basically explains the present British "oh, who cares anyway?" attitude towards religion. All of the religious fanatics soon went off in ships to live in the pink countries. (See Puritans and Fundamentalists but not Fun.)
Also, her Spanish brother-in-law sent a lot of armour-plated ships called the Spanish Armadillo to attack England during her reign, but God was on our side, and they lost out in a big way.
Her hair was the colour of carrots, but when Gilbert said so she smashed a slate over his head in a memorable scene from the movie about her life Anne of Green Gables.
There is no such thing as a royal train. The queen does not own one. She in fact owns several trains, but they are known as the royal motor coaches. While most people think these trains are real, they are in fact a figment of your imagination. The queen has much too much class to ride a train. She also owns 3 roflcopters.
Her father only had one sexually active wife, Elizabeth 0.5, who bore all his children, but he thought her name was stupid so he replaced her with the most famous six in the last few years of his life, after Liz 0.5 died in an attempt to spice up her sex life, which went horribly wrong when a rabid poodle bit her anus.
[edit] The Crazy Years
From 15 years of age, Elizabeth decided she wanted a "normal" life, like all her friends, and that her dad was too mean to her. She ran away, wearing some old drapes and hiding in the nearest Wal*Mart. Nobody found her for years, but one brave explorer delved into the deepest, most uninviting and moist parts of the Wal*Mart and found her eating a dead rabbit. She only responded with grunts and snorts, and it took the extreme measure of destroying a Wal*Mart branded nail repair kit to get her to speak again. She was subsequently banned from all the other Wal*Marts.
[edit] QE2
- For main article, see: Liz Windsor
Elizabeth 2 is the sequel to Queen Elizabeth 1, and she is the current British Monarch of the United Communist Kingdom (full title). Her reign saw the end of the British Empire and its conversion into the Commonwealth which means she still owns most of the earth, but that doesn't include the USA (As far as they know.)
| Preceded by: nostradamus | Queen of Randomness {{{years}}} | Succeeded by: Charles Edward Arclefunterntiferondidusibusimus |
