Queensland
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“Daylight saving causes cancer”
~ Queenslanders on daylight savings
“The cows won't know when to wake up!”
~ North Queensland Bogan on daylight saving. (both real and heard on Mackay radio)
Queensland, often referred to as "The Only State" by some of its residents, is a batshit insane 'Strayan state known for its ridiculous heat, cane toads, abundance of sporting legends and the heavy drinking of its locals.
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[edit] History
Jager (Jesus) made it when he went and sat on the toilet
Queensland was created in 1859 when God decided He’d had enough rest and really ought to create something that made all the effort worthwhile.
Shortly after it was created it was donated to the Queen and called Queen'sland. She then promptly returned it for store credit. At the time everybody thought that the Queen didn’t have nearly enough land so they were glad that God gave her some more. Also, at the time, people knew how to use apostrophes. This ancient wisdom has now been lost in the mists of time. Many scholars believe it might be hidden somewhere under the blueprints for the Pyramids. The apostrophe from the State's name has been similarly misplaced.
In 1860 God created XXXX which is consumed by every Queenslander from the age of -1. This was done so that he could keep the population in check. To date it has worked quite effectivley.
In 1901, Queensland became part of Australia. The good thing about this was that it gave the state some other states to compare itself with, like how Family Guy can compare itself with American Dad. With the nature of those other States, Queenslanders realised they would be able to retain a smug air of superiority for all time with no good reason. Queensland has the worst education system in the country and the world (rated just below Kasakstan's education system). To compensate for this, they have "the smart state" written on their number plates to remind themselves every morning when they wake up. Which is ridiculous because they still havent figured out that whenever Queensland wins the state of origin football, its because New South Whales has given them the sympathy vote for being the "slowest" state, just falling behind Tasmania. Seriously! Cities in some of the state don't even have sunday trading and any mention of daylight saving up in the bogan towns of Mackay and Rockhampton will certainly get you shot. Since 1924 Queensland has been partly populated by split pairs of Hobartian twins as part of an experiment to see if ignorant racist Queenslanders are product of nature or nurture. Results suggest the latter.
[edit] Legend of Koala Lampur
Recent archaeological evidence shows that the legendary island of Koala Lampur is located somewhere in this state. Most likely location is a strange expense of undersea depression 250km to the east of a little redneck town call Bundaberg. A major depression which forms the town of Rockhampton is believed to have been part of the Koala Lampur land. Though not much is known about this ancient legend, it is known to be a mighty super power in what the aboriginal people call the "dream time". It is also the only source of Popeye Spinach that gives the consumer super strength.
Legend has it that the Imperial Power of Koala Lampur was great and its people happy/prosperous. So good is this place that it drew the attention of the Angry Beaver People of Planet Zoonga. The Angry Beaver People proceeded to declare war on Koala Lampur. The poor inhabitants of this massive earth super power had no chance against a race of Angry Beavers that is technologically 2000 years ahead. Despite the construction of the Death Star, numerous Battlestar Class warships and Popeye Spinach enhanced warriors, The Angry Beaver People were able to easily overcome the hapless Koala Lampurians. Finally, Koala Lampur was sucked out of earth and into the sun. Hence ending the mightiest human civilisation the earth has ever know.
- More details on Koala Lampur
[edit] Politics
The current Prime Minister Kevin Rudd comes from Queensland, explaining the incompetency of the Australian Labour Party and is the reason for rising interest rates and kidney thefts. His emphasis on working families sujests some paedophilic behaviour while parents are at work.
Queensland is run by a Premier most of the time. Some famous Premiers have been:
Peter Beater Pumpkin-eater – last Premier of Queensland. Unlike his cousin, he has managed to keep his wife without resorting to the use of vegetable husks. He has single-handedly apologised for more fuck-ups than all the previous premiers put together. No-one has yet managed to explain to him that it’s not actually a competition. Peter Beater is a champion of the ordinary worker citizen - he has used his position to actively support, by example, the national culture of bludging.
Wayne Goose – actually, he’s not that famous come to think of it.
Sir Joe Bjkjkljkjkljjlky-Petersham RSL – somehow became Premier and remained so for 125 years. He is the longest serving Premier in Australian history. He was knighted by Queen Victoria for services to inter-racial relations, having famously said, “I wouldn’t be related to anyone from another race, even if it’s the Olympic 200m butterfly”. He was an amusing sight, striding the corridors of Parliament in his shiny armour, occasionally shouting, "Halt. Who goes there? Don't you worry about that." At the same time he ruled with an iron fist and lead balls over some of the most corrupt politicians in the history of politicians. He was a renowned consumer of brown paper bags, which were subsequently used to pay his workers peanuts. Many of his evil opponents accused him of huffing kittens, however he claimed biblical authority and so that was all right. All this was accomplished despite being born in New Zealand, and speaking only an obscure and untranslatable dialect of Swahili. He was also a homosexual.
Anna Bligh - current premier. Well known for running around with a hard hat yelling about water.
[edit] Geography
Queensland is a land of contrasts. Well, that’s according to all the tourist brochures which are helpfully printed in red, green and blue to illustrate the point. The red symbolises the “Outback” - a mythical place filled with nothing but dirt, flies, clothes-lines, trampolines and children’s swing sets. The most famous place in the “Outback” is the Ettamogah Pub where “blokes” say “strewth” a lot and drive “utes”.
The green symbolises the “Rainforest”. This is an experimental forest being developed by scientists from the Queensland University of Coming Up With Big Ideas on Small Budgets (QUCUWBIOSB) in conjunction with the Queensland Government Department of Spending Big Budgets on Mind Numbingly Useless Ideas (QGDOSBBOMNUI). The concept is that a new strain of tree can be genetically engineered to produce precipitation. If enough of these trees can be planted in a small enough space they will become a forest. Anyone who can’t join the dots on that one doesn’t deserve to know what the hell we’re talking about.
Finally, the blue symbolises the “Ocean”. Queensland is the proud owner of approximately 4,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilometres of prime beachfront real estate. This is a private beach, accessible only upon passing a dress code inspection carried out by officious security staff. These staff are recognisable by their headsets with microphones which elevate them to the same level of importance as United Steaks Secret Cervix agents. Just off shore in the “Ocean” is the “Great Reef Barrier” which was built in the 1950s as a barrier to stop the Japanese from reefing the beach away and towing it home with them.
Unfortunately, during the Sir Joe Bjkjkljkjkljjlky-Petersham RSL years, Queenslanders dug out an additional 4.7682E57 kilometres of canal estates, and consequently, much of south-east Queensland is slowly being absorbed by its fantastic surf beaches!
Queensland also has some mild natured mountains but we ran out of brown ink so they don’t appear in the brochures.
[edit] Capital City
Brisvegas Pop(-ups shit me): 2.3 million people; 10 million bongs, lots of goths, too many cats, too many cane toads, and 6 billion designer handbags.
Suburbs: Bald Willys, Bedwank Plains, Boganfilled, Burp'n gary, We Staind, Capalalalblala, Clonetarf, Cockroachdale, Emoggera, Kippa's Ring, Bean Town, Ferny Groove, The Gyp, Gayporn, Whoreporn, In Droopily, Goddamba, Scumcorn, Kingstoned, LMAOrapinta, Toom-bullshit, Toowrong, Vaginia, Zillmeh, KAUBLCHA, CRAPsley, Flashgroove
Bogan/Yuppie/Derro filled holes: While Sydney is infamous for its Redfern region Brisbane has quadruple the infamy, Red Hill, D(epression) Bay, Redcliffe, Inala, Riverview and Woodridge! (wait.. thats six. Fuck, we are retarded!)
Random Fact: Ipswichians are glad they don't live in Brisvegas, because it is in fact, the root of all evil.
[edit] Climate
As our brochures also tell you, Queensland is “beautiful one day, perfect the next”. Unfortunately, no-one knows when either of those days will be, so stop calling the Bureau of Meteorology because they have enough work to do already. There is, however, a school of thought that developed somewhere in the other states that argues that that day has been and gone sometime during the Triassic Period. This school of thought is commonly referred to as Fuckwittery.
One advantage of a Queensland summer is the humidity: one doesn't need to drink during summer in Queensland, as all the moisture you could ever need is in the atmosphere. Handy, huh?
[edit] Demographices
Queensland is known for its excessive unused and uninhabited land. Most Australians live on the eastern coastline to get away from the brain-dead, alcoholic "cowboys" who seem to never bathe or be able to find civilisation. Queensland's capital is Brisvegas, which plays host to many long nights and annoying hangovers, and is full of fucking asians. If you're looking to drown yourself in alcohol, Brisvegas is the place to go. The Government has enforced a 24-hour-7-day-party law, which has resulted in a person to club ratio of 1:3. This means if you live in Brisvegas the building you are currently in is, or will be in the next few days, a nightclub.
Feel free to run around drunk all the time when in Queensland, as the annual Schoolies week comes around the end of the year. The event, held at the Gold Coast, is where recently finished high school teenagers come to drink, have sex, drink and have sex again, on an hourly basis. Of course, no state of Australia could be complete without the Police. You probably see these guys chasing down innocent civilians with blinding concentrations of mace as they are too lazy or stupid to take down the real criminals such as kidnappers, murderers or drug traffickers. And be careful not to Really Piss A Queensland Police Officer Off (Take note Greg Bird) , or you may find yourself pinned to a building by the officer's patrol car!
So please visit Queensland - "The home of tolerance, (almost) all welcome".
[edit] Language
The language spoken in Queensland is distinctly different to language spoken in the other states of Australia. This language is most commonly known as "Foul". It is also noted that most Queenslanders drop the ends off words, and put odd pauses in others, resulting in the transformation of speech such as "In the name of the lord, sir, today is possessing of quite a high temperature. Shall we travel to the local publican's premises for a cold alcoholic beverage made from grain?" into "Jesus fuckin' H. Christ it's a fuckin' scorcher! Bugger dis, let's 'ead up the local." Further, Queenslanders often add 'eh' to the end of sentences, such as the above, "it's a fuckin' scorcher, eh?" It is believed this phenomenon is due partially to the heat, and partially to indicate to the person they are speaking with that they are finished, are about ready to take another gulp of XXXX, and now is the opportunity for the other person to speak. For this reason they're sometimes as confused as Canadians.
A fine literary example of the Queensland language was a romantic erotic novel, aimed at men, penned by a Brisbane resident named Churba Silvertongue, called "I Fucked That Slut From The Pub." His second work was far less developed, "That Slut (Again)".
Queenslanders also often answer their questions with "yeah nah" for example when asked "do you like AFL?" they will reply "yeah nah (long pause) id rather watch me rugby" or "do you like women?" they will reply "yeah nah (long pause) id rather me rugby"
[edit] Gods
Most of Queensland, and especially Northern Queensland, recognises Pauline Hanson as their patron saint and divine ruler for eternity. Some say it was her strict anti-immigration views that gave her this status, but most Queenslanders agree that it's really that she's a foxy lady.
[edit] "Smart State" Status
Queenslanders usually refer to their state as being the smartest of them all, via numberplates. As a consequence, an IQ test must be completed annually in order to live there. If one fails the test (and achieves an IQ of more than 30) that person is expelled from the state and is made to live in the Northern Territory (or Upper Coomera), that place that could have been a state but didn't wanna. Because Queensland holds the title of being the Smart State it is able to lord it over the other states... and New Zealand. An unfortunate aspect of Queensland is that exfernophomenaquintification doesn't work there.
[edit] Women of Queensland
There are 3 types of women in Queensland.
- Bikini models chicks
- Redneck hicks chicks
- Transient chicks - Those that are on Holiday. Mostly from Southern States (Better known as Mexicans)
Either way you are going to get some farnication action. If those are not to your taste, replace the word chick with dude. It is also traditional to leave the person immediately after copulation.
[edit] Sister State
Queensland is a sister state with South Carolina in America. Like all good sisters should, they try on each other's clothes, play dress-up, and talk about the boys they have crushes on in school. They both fight over the use of Daddy's car on Friday nights, which usually leads to the head of the U.N. flipping a coin to see who can go to the movies with their date.
South Carolina is quite similar to Queensland in the fact that 70% of the population at any given time is under the influence of something, the women are extremely attractive but seem to speak in tongues, and both boast top notch educational systems that manage to achieve 40% literacy.
[edit] See also
- Coopersouth Australia
- Tascademania
- Tooheys New South Wales
- Victoriabitter
- Western swan gold Australia
- Cane Toad
