Queers of War
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| Queers of War | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | Epic Gaymez |
| Release Date | November or October 1436. Day unknown. |
| Genre | Forth Person 2D Shooter |
| Platforms | Xexbox 360, |
| Rating | G-AY |
| Would Alexander the Great play it? | A witty anal monger such as he plays it all the time |
| This article contains way too disgusting information. |
| Absorbing any of it may cause one's brain to a splode. You can help Uncyclopedia by adding more. |
Queers of War is a Sixty-Ninth Person Shooter focusing on capturing the elusive and emerging market of gayming for gaymers.
Contents |
[edit] Plot
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Luigi is Mr. L, "Shell City" was a gift shop, Verbal Kint is Keyzer Söze, Mister Glass was the mad bomber to begin with, O'Brien was an agent of the Ministry of Love, Exdeath kills Galuf, Jesus comes back to life after three days, Jack Sparrow gets eaten by the Kraken, Heathcliff finally dies, and Catherine and Hareton get married, Luke gets shot trying to escape, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
[edit] Act 1 - Anuses
As the game opens 14 years after Cuminence Day, former soldier Markus Penix is freed from the Anti-Inflamation Defense Safehole - Penitentiary (or AIDS - P) by his close f-buddy, Dominici Saintiago, who needs Phenix's help in the fight against the Locust Whore. Both manage to escape the prison moments before it is raped by a Dildo, which Markus raped with the Hammer of Pr0n, and then meet up with the other members of the Coalition of Cranky Killaz (COCKs), Private Cuminmine and Lieutenant Lil' Kim, with orders to find Alpha Squad and secure possession of the "Vibrator", a device intended to map out the Locust underground tunnel network for the Lotsofmass Bomb. En route to Alpha's last known location, Cuminmine is raped by a Perfect Enhancement Nifty Incandescent Sniper and Kim gets raped at the hands of General RAAM Itin. Dominici and Markus are able to meet up with two privates from Alpha Squad, named Coal Train and Demon Bird, at the House of Scrotums. After defeating a Locust Raper, the team confirms with headquarters that the Vibrator is safe, and are then ordered to an Cumulsion mining facility 10km from their position. Markus is also granted the rank of sergeant due to completing his mission and the death of Lieutenant Lil' Kim.
[edit] Act 2 - Aids For All
Dominici suggests the fastest way to reach the mine would be to borrow an APC from a Raped named Franklin, who owes Dominici a favor from deals in the past. After reaching the camp, Franklin reluctantly agrees to give them his "Fucker" APC on the condition that Coal and Bird remain at the Raped camp to help them defend against the Locust Whore and do "other things" Markus and Dominici head across the ruined city as nightfall descends, bringing out the carnivorous bat-like creatures known as Penises that rape anything in the dark. The two fight through the Whores forces to reach the gas station where the Fucker is kept, and then drive it back to the camp, defending themselves from the Penises with an ultrakinfe light attached to the Fucker, which can circumsize the Penises. The two arrive just in time back at the Raped camp to help defend it from a large Locust Whore onslaught. Once the situation is secured, the team moves onwards towards the mining facility in the Fucker.
[edit] Act 3 - The Anus of the Beast
Delta Squad reaches the outskirts of the mining facility just as the Fucker ceases to function. They make their way on foot through the abandoned facility and into the Cumulsion mine tunnels, heading towards a predetermined location where the effect of the Vibrator should have maximum effect, all the while defending themselves against constant Locust Whore rape runs. The team eventually reach their target destination, and after securing the area, set off the Vibrator device and narrowly escape back to the surface with their anuses intact. Unfortunately, the team quickly learn from HQ that the data collected from the Vibrator buzz was much too limited to be of use for the Lotsofmass Bomb. However, a device found by Bird seems to already contain a near-complete map of the tunnel system, with the data linking back to Markus' father and his home at the Perfectly Useful Self-Sustaining Yorktown (long for PUSSY.)
[edit] Act 4 - The Long Rod Hole
Delta Squad ride a Raven helicopter to the Perfectly Useful Self-Sustaining Yorktown, now ruined and heavily controlled by Whores, losing a helicopter to an attack by Pussyfest air spores in the sky. The team are dropped off just outside Yorktown and are forced to fight their way through massive numbers of Whores to the mansion where Markus' father lived. Coal and Bird discover another Fucker in need of repair at the back of the manor, and they rush off to repair it while Markus and Dominici search the manor for the data. After finding the hidden laboratory in the basement, they leave their cloaked robot named Dick to download the data and rape the waves of Whore Pimps. As Dick finishes downloading the tunnel maps, the two soldiers rush for the newly repaired Fucker behind the manor with a gargantuan reptilian-like Locust Whore called a Nypple already charging towards them. The COCKs and Dick reach the Fucker just as the Nypple smashes through the manor, escaping the pursuing monster.
[edit] Act 5 - Cumination
The team now rush for the train station to get aboard the Titty Pillar, an armored freight train carrying the Lotsofmass Bomb at its front. Pimps attempt to rape them at the station and prevent Coal and Bird from jumping onto the train as it speeds past, leaving only Markus and Dominici to battle through to the front of the train as it travels across the wasteland towards the Whore stronghold. They unfortunately encounter General RAAM Itin at the front of the train, guarding the Lotsofmass Bomb, but the two are able to rape-kill him, and General RAAM gets it HARD! With a destroyed bridge quickly approaching as the train speeds ahead, Markus uploads the tunnel data into the Lotsofmass Bomb and activates it, escaping the train by jumping into a nearby Rapethem helicopter, with the help of Dominici and Coal. Dominici grabs Markus' penis seconds before the train falls off the tracks and into the Cumulsion below. Struggling to hold on to Dominici's penis with only one of his hands, Hoffman comes over, and, to the team's surprise, offers his penis to help Markus up. Markus grabs his penis and is pulled onto the King Rapethem. The bombs from Lotsofmass launch into the Whore tunnels beneath, successfully raaping most of an important Locust stronghold. Hoffman's voice later announces their victory to the rest of the world, but the haunting voice of what is assumed to be the Ms. Jenna clearly tells the player that the Whores have not been defeated, and will fight back, possibly foreshadowing the premise of a sequel to Queers of War.
[edit] Main Characters/COCKS
[edit] Markus Penis
Markus Penis is the son of famous military scientist Adam Penis, Markus established a reputation as a heroic COCK member during the Milf Wars. He was on a fast track to a great military career, until the war with the Locust Whore began.
One decade after Emergence Day, the Whores army breached the AID Plateau's defenses and Markus tapes orders so he could save his father. He was too late, and in addition to losing his father, who was murdered by General RAAM Itin, Markus was charged with dereliction of duty and was sentenced to 40 years in Anti-Inflamation Defense Safehole - Penitentiary (or AIDS - P). It is later shown that Markus's father was mapping the underground tunnels of the Locust Whores, although it is never revealed whether Markus was aware of how important his father's research was when he attempted to save him, or whether he specifically knew it related to the Locust Whores.
4 years into his sentence, the Whores overtook the Anti-Inflamation Defense Safehole - Penitentiary, but Mafcus was rescued by Dominici Saintiago, so that he could re-join the fight against the Locust Whore. Markus Penis is 35 years old at the start of the Queers of War campaign. Elton John provides the voice of Markus. Also Markus had some mysterious things with General CumMan.
[edit] Dominici Saintiago
Dominici (voiced by Carlos Mencia) is a vocal, colorful, yet practical COCK. He's loyal to a fault, especially with his friends, and has no patience for those who think of themselves first. He steadfastly believes in his country and leaders, though he finds his faith slipping in the face of endless war, prompted by his wife's disappearance during the Cuminence Day cataclysm. For him, the fight against the Whore is deeply personal.
Dominici Saintiago is a friend to the main protagonist, Markus Phenix. Not long after Cuminence Day, Dominici testified in Markus' trial at the House of Scrotums, where Phenix was accused of insubordination and extreme pussyness after leaving his post to save his father from an attack by the Locust Whore. Dominici's testimony at Markus's trial prevented his friend from facing complete rape. However, he had to accept the harsh raping of Markus, and due to his choice to testify, his reputation suffered some damage. In the chaos of Cuminence Day, Private Saintiago lost his boyfriend (presumably, his name was Mario (a New Jacinto plumber), as Dominici has a large tattoo of "Mario" written within a heart on his right arm).
[edit] Cuminmine
"Voted most likely to get raped" in the COCK Academy (according to his cockfest character description), Pvt. Cuminmine is a member of Delta Squad at the beginning of the game, along with Lil' Kim, Markus Penis and Dominici Saintiago. In battle Carmine will often rush out into the open, and has a gung-ho attitude. In Act 1, while complaining about his Lancer rifle jamming, he is shot in the head by a Perfect Enhancement Nifty Incandescent Sniper.
[edit] Coal Train
Known by gaymerz for energetic and aggressive attitude, Coal is one of Queers of Wars main characters. Markus Penis encounters him during Act 1 of the game, while searching for the surviving members of Alpha Squad. He impresses the members of Delta Squad by managing to single-handedly raping numerous enemies. The characters in the game recognize Coal from his previous career as a “Thrustball” with his superstar posotion of the wide reciever. He is also infamous for his outspokenness, characterized by his catchphrase, “Bring it on sucka! That’s my kinda shit,yo!”.
He is a former professional Thrashball player for the Yankees. He craves action and prefers the most direct path to his next fight. What he lacks in finesse, he makes up for in raw size, which he has proven many times in jail, raping small, innocent inmates. Along with his child-like enthusiasm and charm, Coal is confident in his own abilities to overcome anything. He has yet to be proven wrong, and is voiced by Mr. T, nigga.
[edit] Pubic Baird
A cynical and reluctant COCK, Pubic Baird's main strengths lie in his intelligence. He is Delta Squad's technical specialist, and has used lots of Locust Whores. For this reason, he is a great asset to his fellow COCKs. Among other things, he also excels in rape mechanics, hacking and other rape-related tasks, such as fucking a damaged APC and hacking into clitorises.
He holds a grudge against Markus, due to similarities in attitude and the fact that Markus was promoted to Delta Squad's Fag instead of Bird. Even though Baird is paired up with Coal for most of the time, Markus and Baird team up every once and a while, but not for long. However, in battle he quickly puts his grudge aside and cooperates, particularly when his own as well as his teammates' anuses are at stake. Ryan Seacrest does the voice of Baird.
[edit] Lil' Kim
Lil' Kim is a "by the book" COCK, following every single rule and code of conduct to all things COCK, making him an excellent Top Fag. When the squad reaches the ruined courtroom (where Markus was condemned to prison), Markus makes a crack about the court, labeling it for it's "lies", Kim then barks at him for his disrespect. At the end of Act 1, a King Raven helicopter arriving to evacuate Alpha and Delta Squad is taken down by Pussyfest spores, and Kim is separated from the rest of the COCKs in the ensuing rape-run. Amidst all the chaos, Kim orders a retreat and distracts the incoming Locust Whores, unaware of General RAAM Itin approaching him from behind. Too late to defend himself, RAAM impales Lil' Kim on a jagged dildo. Because of this, Markus is then promoted to Fag. Due to the way it was spelled, which is uncommon for the romanization of the gay name, his name is pronounced "Mein Nihpples Areh Ehrect(김민형)," rather than "My Nipples Are Erect(김민영)" (It applies to the world-wide release when the language of the console is set to Zimbabwebian.) He is voiced by Nick Lachey.
[edit] General CumMan
General CumMan is the most retarded and selfish COCK General in Queers of War. He likes to be mean to Markus because of CumMans last crush on Markus a year ago. They both had sex in a Queer Raven and enjoyed it. But after CumMan found out that Markus was cheating on him for General RAAM and Markus told on the COCK academy that CumMan lied about being a COCK General, they both broke up. But eventually CumMan found a new boyfriend and they are married and now have two kids. CumMan is voiced by that one famous cop who shocked his balls.
[edit] JackAss
A robot that was manufactured at the COCK factory. The COCK factory added many equipments onto this robot. A CumLaser to cut through doors that will lead it to many mysteries. A COCK cloak, JackAss is normally a pussy COCK so this robot hides by turning invinsible and following COCK soldiers. CumVision, now cumvision allows JackAss to look through buildings and behind walls, best of all he can look through clothing and armor. JackAss can attach himself on the ass part of the APCUM and looks at the porno pictures and jerks off. Voiced by R2-D2
[edit] Other Characters/Locust Whores
[edit] General RAAM Itin
General RAAM Itin is the main villain and final boss of Queers of War voiced by a grue. He is a mostly silent and savage Hoecust fag with a dark cinematic presence. He appears as a large Hoecust shrouded in flying ovaries. RAAM has pronounced facial features, with large, bony, erectile eyebrow ridges and a constant snarling rectum. General RAAM's name implies that the Locust Whorea likes it really hard.
General RAAM is not revealed until the cutscene of Lil' Kim's rape, in which RAAM bones Lil' Kim (lucky him) with a jagged dildo. At the end of Act 3, a nameless COCK soldier is captured by the Locust, and RAAM is apparently using the soldier's radio to listen in on the conversation between Control and Delta Squad that reveals their objectives in Perfectly Useful Self-Sustaining Yorktown.
[edit] Ms. Jenna
Little is known about her except for the fact that she seduces straight gamers with her sexy voice, which she uses to insult the worthless P.O.S. humans. She is voiced by Britney Spears.
[edit] Locust Whore Pimps
Pimps appear to be the common race among the Locust Whore. Their girth growa to be more than 2 meters tall and weigh 12000 kilograms. They seem to appear larger than humans with heavy tans, pimped toyota corollas and purple tigerskin patches. Some Pimps, particularly PENIS-es and Tronka gunners, wear strap-ons and velcro suits. They were bred in the Glory Hole to be perverted rapers. When ordered, Pimps will extend their penises many meters to cock tag the enemy, an inescapable doom. They often crawl out of "Glory Holes", which the Whores use as a bridge between underground and the surface world.
[edit] Vehicles
They were often used to have Gay/Lesbian sex inside but driving/piloting was just only on rare occasions.
[edit] The Junkie
Crappy vehicle that cannot multi-task, only being capable of moving or shooting an extremely bright ray of GaymaRays to kill the flying black sperm. CumMan listened to CliffyB's plea, and incorporated it on only one act.
[edit] Queer Raven
A somewhat Queerish helicopter that crashes on its own. It has a CumChain Gun on it that can Cuminate Locust Whores with its anus piercing bullets. It is barely used to transport units but mostly used to have gay/lesbian sex inside like CumMan's relationship with Markus.
[edit] APCUM
A porno picture armored car that has mysterious things inside. Whenever it runs someone over that person turns cumlike. Mostly used to transport units on ground. Barely anyone drives it because they mostly use it for Pleasure and happyness.
[edit] Weapons
One of the cool enhancements this gayme has is the 1337 fucking reaload, which has a different effect in each weapon, but usually makes weapons 10∞ times more powerful and makes them shoot 5.34920123 times faster. A more detailed explanation of this 1337ness will be stated in each weapons description.
[edit] Chainwhore Dildo
One of the most deadly weapons in the gayme it is a cross between a dildo and a chainsaw. It is a rusty dildo from 1327 used by an AIDS infected Grub to pleasure himself. This dildo also has been dried out and is mercilessly used to rape any foes. Worse yet, a chainsaw with douches instead of teeth is attached onto it so that if you find yourself being attacked by a chainsaw dildo you will probably end up with an anal related death. No 1337 fucking reload.
[edit] Long Cock Sniper Rifle
This Gun fires deep penetrating round of spunk to infect enemies with a wide range of STD'S all at once. These include crabs, AIDS, and many more lethal STD'S that will kill you in seconds, like south park syndrome, where everything wrong, racist disgusting immoral and everything else disturbing happens to you so fast that all you internal organs inplode, turning you into a black hole. If the round of spunk lands in your head, it will instanly run away from your body, and scream in agony. The 1337 fucking reload in this gun gives you the power to make people instantly cum (or get down) from one round, useful for 1337 n00bs.
[edit] Shot Cum
The shot cum is a deadly weapon used to cover enemies in large amounts of whale semen. The semen penetrates every nook and cranny on your sweaty man character. It can be used to heal teammates on your team in the WhoreZone multiplayer mode where the injured soldier gets the Shot Cum lodged in the anus and has it fired. This makes your injured teammate have more stamina when curb-raping an enemy. 1337 fucking reloading this gun makes it shoot Great Balls of Fire, which instantly melt your enemies into their misery.
[edit] Fag Grenades
This weapon has the special ability to be "fag tagged" to people. By doing this, you grab their ass so hard, they turn gay. They can also be thrown like a normal grenade would, turning everyone into gays in the area.
[edit] Hammer of Porn
When used the Hammer of Porn fires men down onto the enemy instantly turning them into a ravenous homosexual. There is also a setting that allows this gun to fire bright yellows dildos down from the cock filled satellite to instantly penetrate anyone unfortunate to be in its path at the time.
[edit] Fork Bow
This weapon uses high powered gas (from Locust Farts) to fire out rusty dinner forks at a high rate. The forks are unwashed and have previously been used to eat such meals as "mAID'S Pie", "Crabs Cake", "Herb peas", and "Silly Fillings. The best form of protection against this is a condom wrapped tightly round the head. Remember though, don't use two as they will rub together, cause friction, and melt. An 1337 fucking reload will make the gun "squirt" the fork out faster, and makes its blast effect as strong a a fag grenade.
[edit] CoomShot Rocket Launcher
A simple CoomShot Rocket Launcher design is to fire a simple canister of 'coom' at the chosen target. The canister will break open causing the target to be covered in sticky white 'coom' (not very pleasant). Because of this weapons extreme power but not long blast radius, it is suggested that you fire at the targets feet so hopefully they will be stuck to the ground in your own semen. You may then chain 'whore' their asses just to gloat over the fact that you don't suck at aiming with the CoomShot Rocket Launcher. A 1337 fucking reload will give you all the power of a CoomShot and a Shotcum, but with the radius of a nuclear bomb, dinosaurs are actually extinct thanks to this piece of Godly 1337ness.
[edit] The Power of the Almighty Host
The Host (otherwise known as God) has the power to rape everyone. His ShotCum has the power of Zeus, instantly melting all of his enemies. The Long Cock has the power to instantly fire into the head with little to no aiming, and the Fork Bow transforms into the mighty gun of Fire of the oh-so-great Wakiki, and blows your desired target in blindfire mode. Also, almost no one can kill the Host, not even your mom.
[edit] Reception of XexBox 360 gamers everywhere to Queers of War
The dangerously gay game was happily received by all in the anus. Many fankids got it in the ass at Christmas, when Santa lodged the game very far into little fanboys anal cavities.
