R. Lee Ermey

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This doll's major malfunction is that it is not anatomically correct. Well, sheee-it, Private Pyle! Who in his right Goddamn mind makes a doll that is not anatomically correct?

I'm gonna give you three seconds--exactly three fucking seconds--to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about R. Lee Ermey.

When R Lee Ermey was born, his father fought in the Korean Conflict while his mother raised him up all by herself. His father named him Richard, but Richard was a momma's boy so his mother renamed him Rachel. Rachel's mother taught him how to do housework, bake pies, be polite and kind to others. By the time Rachel's father got back from the Korean Conflict he noticed that his wife was raising a daughter instead of a son. "What in the seven levels of Hell is going on here and what are you doing to my boy's mind?" His wife answered "I am teaching him how to be kind and respectful to all creatures great and small, so he can grow up and change the world for good." Rachel's father was very upset, he went to visit his son only to notice his son was wearing a dress and having a tea party with his stuffed animals and dolls. "Sit with me father, and have some tea with my Socialite friends" giggled Rachel. "Ah hell no!" yelled Rachel's father, "That boy ain't right in the head! No son of mine is going to grow up to be a sissy!" Rachel's father would read him books like "The Art of War" and his US Marine combat and field manuals. He took him to a firing range and taught him how to fire a rifle. He taught him how to smoke cigarettes and drink beer,booze, and shit and fart, belch, piss and masturbate like a real MAN. Rachel had resisted, but then Rachel's father put Rachel into Sgt. Slaughter's US Marine Military Academy until he reached enlisted age for the real US Marine Corps. Rachel decided to use "R" instead for his first name, so that people would not learn of his girlish past. He got out of the Academy and went back home.

After that he was enlisted into the US Marines by the Great Santini, a hellish tough as nails Marine himself.

He once saw Bambi, cried about the deer being shot, so his father cussed him out and reminded him that deer are food and that Disney is a liberal piece of fucking shit dreamed up by liberal hippies such as PETA to force people to eat shit instead of food and that they're also Communist bastards from Russia and China. His father gave him some of that shit, so now R Lee Ermey would know what the hell is really going on in this world, and do some ass kicking himself. His father and R Lee Ermey now kick liberal jackasses where they find them. Congressmen such as Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, and "Up Chuck" Shumer have had to hide since these two had showed up. If you look at Hillary Clinton's fat ass, you'll see a HUGE boot print where GySgt. Ermey has kicked her fat ass.

[edit] USMC

After enlisting in the Marines R. Lee Ermey became a Marine Drill Instructor that has special powers, such as cussing/cursing out new military recruits and treating them like shit. One of these guys had a dirty gun, so he said to him, "What the FUCKING HELL is this SHIT ?! Gimmie 200,000 SHITS RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKED UP SHIT !!! Get this shit cleaned up then come BACK here and suck my dick !!!". He has also starred in many movies and TV shows as well, treating the staff as if they're new recruits. He once told Patrick Stewart that his head reminded him of a billiard ball. He even cussed out Dick Cheney because he couldn't shoot straight. He said of him, "What the fuck is that ? My Momma can out shoot you. Gimmie 400,000 bullshits and 200,000 jerk offs and we'll see if you can shoot you motherfucking son of a bitch !" He even boasted that he trained Chuck Norris as well in a military themed TV special. He is a die hard ultra conservative, and very militant, and a manipulative mean son of a bitch and proud of that fact.

[edit] The grocery store incidents

Gunnery Sergeant Ermey bragging about the size of his bazooka after the grocery store incidents.

In his free time, R. Lee Ermey decides to fight vegetarianism and vegans, because he thinks they are secretly Anti-American homosexual commies, so he targets the things that they worship and like the most fruit and vegetables. Mostly found at supermarkets, so R. Lee Ermey declares war on supermarkets and takes fruits hostage and tries to murder them.

Once, while he was in a grocery store, he kidnapped two watermelons. When challenged by security, he called them assholes and motherfuckers, telling them that they'll never catch them. The police had found the murdered watermelons, all shot with M-60 rounds. They also found other produce that he had murdered, a paramilitary campsite, a giant dildo (Jackrabbit Vibrator, ultra strength with shit stains on it) and several adult magazines with cum stains on them. He had a picture taken afterwards and bragged about the size of his bazooka.

In another supermarket, employees remarked that R Lee Ermey had told one that he wanted a shitstool so clean that he could eat out of it. He made the employee clean it out with his tongue. R. Lee Ermey overheard the conversation and said, "Is that shit supposed to be funny ?! Gimme 100,000 shits right NOW you fucked up bitches !". Police were called, but he insulted them as well, calling one cop a asshole, the other a shithead. The cops were too dumbfounded to catch the hairy assed bastard, as he escaped again.

[edit] Military career

R. Lee Ermey is a Gunnery Sergeant in the US Marine Corps. He trained recruits for the Vietnam, Gulf War, Afghanistan, and Iraqi wars/conflicts. Nicknamed Gunney by his fellow NCOs, he set the standards that Marine recruits are trained by in the Modern Marine Corps. As a Drill Instructor his job is to tell the recruits how worthless they are, question their sexual orientation, call them a lot of bad names, and push them to their limits until they finally become true Marines or snap and try to murder him like one of the recruits named Private Pyle tried to do to him.

[edit] The Private Pyle incident

Gunnery Sergeant Ermey calling Private Pyle a ass fucking homosexual fat ass after finding out he was hiding donuts in his footlocker.

Gunnery Sargent Ermey knew that Private Pyle was too fat to join the marine corps, so he ordered a "code red" on Private Pyle after he caught Private Pyle hiding donuts in his footlocker. A "code red" means that other recruits beat the living shit out of him during the night when they are supposed to be asleep, and almost kill him to teach him a lesson in weight control. Previously Ermey had called Private Pyle a raging homosexual and a fat slob pathetic excuse for a human being that is not even worth shit. Ermey gave Pyle a hard time on the obstacle course because Pyle would get out of breath and paused too much. Anyway after the "code red" Private Pyle was reborn and did everything the way that Ermey told him to do. Ermey was impressed until Private Pyle took his rifle and shot Gunnery Sargent Ermey in the chest 12 times. Private Pyle was arrested and spent the rest of his life in military prison and is known as "Bitchboy number 34" shared between Bubba and Rastus, the leaders of a prison gang and often trade Private Pyle out as a whore for cigarettes. Ermey died, but when the Grim Reaper appeared to take his soul, Ermey cussed out the Grim Reaper and accused him of being queer and saw his robe and called it a dress and said he was a cross-dresser, and then said "You are the most pathetic excuse for death that I ever saw! Now drop and give me 300 push-ups!" The Grim Reaper then said "I don't want him, the Marines can take him back for all I care." and Ermey was alive again.

We interviewed Private Pyle from the US "Pound in the ass" Leavenworth Prison. We asked him why he shot R. Lee Ermey and he said because Ermey was an asshole who manipulated fellow recruits against him. We asked him how he did it, and he claims he just took his rifle, loaded a clip of bullets, and just fired at R. Lee Ermey and that everyone else hated Ermey as much as he did so nobody tried to stop him. Ermey ended up being tougher than death, so Ermey came back to life because one of his super Drill Instructor powers was a healing factor that healed his wounds.

[edit] Ermey does computer tech support

In modern times, Gunnery Sargent Ermey decided to enter the digital age. He got into tech support and ran it from the firing range of the Marine base he serves on. He used the following slogans:

• "Tired of your piece of shit Windows Vista PC locking the hell up on you? Well bring it to me and you can shoot the shit out of it with an M-60!"
• "Ok so you bought a Mac instead, but now everyone thinks you are a homosexual? No problem, bring it to me and we can blow it up to kingdom come using plastic explosives!"
• Ermey was so successful in the tech support business that he took over control of Geek Squad and Fire Dog and fired all of their experts and replaced them with 18 year-old Marine recruits instead.
• "So you're on a Cisco's shit assed Linksys unit? Bring it to me and we'll use it AS ammo and shoot it up the Cisco's CEO's FAT ASS !!!!"
• "Uncyclopedia fucked up - again ? I'll straighten it out. I'll scrap Wikipedia, and Wikipedia had better not say one damn fucking thing about it."
• "Someone vandalized Uncyclopedia? Not on my watch! I'll track the motherfucker down and force him to scrub the article with his own toothbrush until I am satisfied that the article is cleaned up!"

[edit] Ermey's showbiz career

Ermey plays a Drill Instructor in many movies, and he always yells at the director and supporting actors. He has his own cable TV show called "Mail Call" where he travels the world yelling at people and telling them how fucked up they are. He doesn't seem to have any other talents, and if he did his father worked them out of him as a young child until only a Marine Drill Instructor was left for his personality and skill set.

[edit] Interview with Michael J. Fox on Ermey's acting ability

Ermey was in a movie with Michael J. Fox called "The Frightners" about a conman who can see and hear ghosts for real and fakes a Ghostbuster business to get rid of them. Mr. Fox said "Ermey was cast as the ghost of a Drill Instructor who was supposed to give my character good advice on fighting ghosts for real and help me out a bit to hunt down the ghost that was a serial killer killing real live people. Instead Ermey went into a yelling phase and yelled at my character, the ghosts, the director, and everyone else on the set. The director was running behind on the budget and left the yelling in the movie even if it was not part of the script. Ermey decided to attack the other ghosts in the graveyard with machine guns and boxing gloves and even accused my character of being a ghost and threw me into a grave. None of this was in the script and it ruined the plot development of the movie. My character was not given any help and I had to hunt down the serial killer ghost all by myself. Because of Ermey the movie was a bomb and not as good as it could be."

[edit] X Men

While doing that movie, he cussed out Patrick Stewart, told him to get his sorry ass back to outer space, which is what really happened to Patrick Stewart. When he and his fellow Marines were shooting at Magneto and his piece of shit army, he told Magneto to get fucked, which is why Magneto apearrantly lost his powers, and the other mutants to lose their powers as well. "You call that a war? My Grandma can out shoot and out power that mutant shit!," Ermey said when Alcatraz was raided.

[edit] Ermey visits his sick and dying mother

Just after R. Lee Ermey returned from shooting "Mail Call" in Saigon he learned that his elderly mother was dying. He caught a redeye flight out of San Diego to New York and took a cab straight to the Mayo Clinic. His mother lay in a darkened room surrounded by IV drip bags and monitors. She looked no larger than a child. Her skin was translucent as eggshell porcelain. A lump came to Ermey's throat -- his dear mother, on death's doorstep, motionless and frail.

Her eyelids fluttered. "...Lee?" she whispered. "Lee...have you come home...have you come home at last to see me, after all of those years that your father took you away from me?" Ermey felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he held them back. "Mom..." he choked. "Mom...drop and give me five hundred push-ups with each arm, you sandbagging slag! Move it! NOW, Mom! No more goldbricking Mom, I'm serious do it now!"

[edit] Alien Abduction

Recently, aliens tried to abduct the hellish tough as nails sergeant. That ended up in a fracus as the aliens tried to anal probe him. He punched them out, saying, "You anal probe me ?! What the fucking hell you think this is, a airport security area?! I don't get anal probed you assfuckers!" He later sold the UFO, the punched out aliens to Paramount Pictures, so that they have more material for "fucked up Trek Fans".

When he got abducted by other aliens, they wanted him to train their piece of shit military. He turned them down, saying that, "I have to stay here to train our piece of shit military, since it has allowed morons, assholes and motherfuckers, worse in it! When I'm done here, I'll see what I can do about your situation.". Two of the aliens said "Oh Fuck!" Sgt Ermey heard that and made these idiots lick the ship clean, so clean that he could eat off of the floor, and anywhere else on the ship. He even made those aliens lick out the ship's shitstool so that he can eat out of that as well. He was beamed back down to the set of Mail Call to continue his show, which was rudely interrupted by aliens who like anal probing people as a sex act.

[edit] Ermey quotes

Ermey has an opinion on a lot of different subjects and often gives people advice whether they want it or not. Here are a random selection of quotes:

• "Gandhi wasn't a man, he was a big baby. He even wore a diaper. Sure you could say he was a peaceful protester, but the real truth was that he was a 68 pound weakling that couldn't fight back."
• "Naked pyramids are a form of torture? Are you shitting me? You want to know what real torture is? Give me one of them terrorists, and I'll put his balls in a nutcracker."
• "Martin Luther King Jr. was killed because he didn't carry a gun. Now if it was me giving civil rights speeches, I'd be packing heat. Any motherfucker trying to shoot me, I'd shoot his ass first."
• "What in the hell is up with all of those motherfucking godless hippies trying to protest the Iraqi war? The 1960's have been over for over 40 years, nobody gives a fuck about hippies anymore. Iraq is Vietnam, are you shitting me? I've been to 'Nam and we had higher body counts there. We are falling behind our daily quota of killing in Iraq and we need to catch up, not pull out. The only ones that should have pulled out early are the fathers of these stupid cocksucking motherfucking hippies!"
• "Oh so you want to burn the US flag, eh? You think doing so makes you a patriot? Wrong answer pinko! You burn my flag and I'll burn your ass with my flamethrower."
• "How did so many people in the US population turn into morons and take up liberalism? I mean we got gun-grabbing, gay marriage using, abortion supporting, environmental freaks taking over the motherfucking Internet with their activist web sites, the cocksuckers even took over most of our newspapers and news networks. Not only that but they refuse to serve in the military, and then they think they are military experts and want us to pull the hell out of Iraq right now? If I had my way, I'd bring back the draft and put them in the Marine Corps and then their asses will be mine. You hear that you pieces of shit? You got it easy now, and your rights and freedoms are paid for with the death of many brave soldiers that I personally trained so that you can continue to live your life as complete and total morons!"
• "When I piss, shit, fart, belch, masturbate, toilets say YES SIR and kittens huff YOU!"
• "When I talk to any Admin, they all say YES SIR! They don't DARE to bitch at ME!"
• "The last Admin, 'crat that banned me had to get a new ass! Not even NO ONE banns MY ass! Is that clear?! I don't hear YOU!" *All Admins say, "YES SIR!"*

[edit] R. Lee Ermey and Uncyclopedia

• "Now I'm on here, I want to see those damn fucking Admins shape up or get the fucking hell out!", R Lee Ermey said when he was told he was on Uncyclopedia. The Admins are pondering this. Poor Admins. He once gave Jimbo Wales a nervous breakdown, then called him a "Fucking Pansy!". He said that if he had his way, Wikimedia will be like the USMC, circa 1940, when recruits took orders, not bitch at the Admins. He is planning on bringing the USMC here to replace those poor, poor, poor, poor Admins, who are scared shitless. One Admin actually shit himself, then Ermey made him "Eat it".

• Pee Review - "I'm on THAT now. I piss fire and shit acid on new articles, etc. on here."

• Rewrite - Use me with the rewrite template, and I will piss fire and shit acid on shitty articles, Private Pyle! Just use {{Rewrite|character=ermey}} on a shitty article and I am there!

[edit] See Also

• Facts on R. Lee Ermey
• Chuck Norris
• Admins - He told them to shape up or disappear!
• Assholes
• Marines
• Conservatives

[edit] Sources

• R. Lee Ermey website
• Mail Call
• R. Lee Ermey's IMDB entry
• Full Metal Jacket