R. Kelly
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“I used to believe i can fly...til one day...FUCK DON'T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT THIS!”
~ R Kelly on Flying
“"I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now."”
~ R Kelly on April Fools Day
R(apist). "Kinker Dinks" Kelly (August 13, 1858 - January 25, 2002) was a mediocre American singer, fire fighter and professional retard.
He is most famous for urinating on statues of children and filming the results for the benefit of charity. He won the 2003 Nobel Prize for Being A Creepy Bastard, and has been cited by the United Nations as "one disgusting bastard"[1]
He is clearly delusional, having stated he is the most important black man alive[2], and also having often declared that he can not only fly, but additionally, that he is capable of touching the sky. Both these claims were debunked on a special episode of the television program MythBusters; while on the show, Kelley tried urinating on Kari Byron, who beat him to death with a croquet mallet.
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[edit] Biography
R. Kelly was born a poor white child. He began his singing career as a fetus, scoring a hit with "On Your Knees, Baby (Warm Gold Shower)", the first of over thirty successful songs about urinating on 68-year-old priests.
Throughout his child hood he had many buttplugs an was made fun of being the only white black kid in the south Compton area for runing from the gun shots like he had one in his ass 24/7. Kelly recalls his childhood and says, "everyday I would walk to South Compton Middle School with my books in my backpack and a Kevlar vest under sweater my grandma Laquaneesha knit for me. I would be ridiculed for being a honky." R. Kelly stopped being bullied at the age of 12 when he acquired a Negrostomy renowned Drew King Medical Center. He acquired the steep fee for the Negrostomy by selling crack with a complimentary hand-made crack pipe. R.Kelly reminisces about his very white childhood " I use to be forced to sit in front of the bus. I wasn't even allowed in a KFC within a 20 mile radius of Compton." After a couple of weeks of recovery from his successful [Negrostomy] he emerged from the hospital doors, "Due to my new-found Negrosity I was very kindly greeted by having a so-called cap being lodged into my ass cavity. Luckily I was at Drew King Medical Center. After being released for the second in one day I went to my local K-Mart and purchased the whole mini-series of Roots,Malcolm X and the lovable assCosby Show".
Kelly then began a career as a producer, writing songs for "The Wiggles", a 30 year-old-child band whose debut, Smack Dat Hoe included several songs about eating excrement and what its like to be a cardboard box salesman in skid row.
He then released Chocolate Factory, a concept album about working at a chocolate factory and packing fudge all day long and at the end of a long shift he would go home and urinate on 15-year-olds.
He then began Trapped In My Own Pantry Closet an ambitious series of music videos that co-starred Tom Cruise and John Travolta and that are not, in any way, whatsoever, about being gay, despite the fact that the use of the phrase "in the closet" is used almost exclusively to describe someone who keeps their homosexuality a secret. But R. Kelly is not openly gay. He made a series of music videos called Trapped in the Pantry Closet, but has never, ever thought about having sex with grown men. Except for the time he was found in a McDonald's storage room having affairs with the manager. But the magager was catching, so R Kelly's still not gay.
[edit] Firefighting
After R Kelly recovered from the McDonalds scandal, he released his new album Born in the 14th Century. After the release party Kelly lied down in his diamond encrusted platinum tempurpedic and listened to a book on tape of Pauly Shore's hey Buuuudddddyyy as read by Wilford Brimley, and was inspired to become a firefighter.
His career as a firefighter was short-lived, however, as Kelly refused to stop spraying his proverbial fire hose on the buildings that were engulfed in flames. He also endangered the lives of others by not fulfilling his duties to rescue the burning victims in the buildings. but instead seated himself down by the burning structure to make himself a cup of "Instant Grape Kool-aid". To this accusation he responded, "I just got so thirsty and I needed some of my grape drink." NO BUT HIS MOTHER IS
[edit] Other Family members
In 1995, R. Kelly converted to Mormonism and had six teenaged wives, just as Mormon founder Joseph Smith did. He also had love affairs with Dracula and the Cookie Monster.
Today Kelly lives in Michael Jackson's abandoned house in Neverland Ranch. TO survive there, he tells news weekly that since the water gas and electricity is cut he has to survive by drinking his own urine and Jesus juice.
Kelly had over 100 children, but most of them died in infancy from cases of acute urine poisoning. Kelly's surviving sons have formed a singing group, Sons of Kelly. See their promotional photos below.
Other family members include:
- J. Kelly
- D. Kelly
- Kelly Osbourne
- Kelly Clarkson
- Kelly Rowland
- Kelly Green
- Smelly Kelly
- Sir Kellington
- Kelly Ripa
- Kelly Pickler
- Kelly Fratelli
- John Prescott
- Kelly Belly
- Helen Kelly
- Harry Ballzonya
- and finally recent husband Oli Sykes
[edit] Controversy
Everything else written here is merely an allegation. As far as history records, the only thing R. Kelly has ever done in his life is urinate on everything that moves, however rumors that he produced a series of sex tapes starring himself, a midget, a police man, his wife, his wife's best friend, said police man's wife, said wife's best friend's husband, said husband's gay lover, an elderly couple, his brother in law, two lesbians, and the entire Chicago Mafia, have been unconfirmed. When asked of this, Mr. Kelly replied "Rika doot deaudoo doo doo doo, spread my wings and fly away."
[edit] References
- ↑ see U.N. Special Report #4045-B, "R. Kelly: One Sick Fuck"
- ↑ http://www.stuff.co.nz/4063086a1860.html
[edit] Quotes about R. Kelly
“I take out my Berretta!”
~ R. Kelly on the closet
“Will he just come out of the closet already?”
~ Tom Cruise on R. Kelly
“That fucker owes me money or at least a new dress for my wife!!”
~ Gary Sheffield on R Kelly giving his wife a golden shower!
“SO I PULL OUT MY GUN!”
~ R. Kelly on Everything
“R. KELLY, DON'T PEE ON ME!!!”
~ Everything on R. Kelly
“Probably the best I've had!”
~ Oscar Wilde on on R Kelly
“No, you shizzle MY nizzle!”
~ Bono on on R Kelly
“I pity his stools!”
~ Mr. T on on R. Kelly
“ Im gonna piss on you!”
~ R. Kelly on on all 15 year old girls
“ It went everywhere! It was even in my Raccoon wounds!”
~ Peter Griffin on on R Kelly
“R Kelly's locked in a room with nothing but a two-litre bottle of mineral water and several underage girls? Best call the dry-cleaners and the school councillors!”
~ Joe Friday on R Kelly
“ the man... is a MIDGET!”
~ R. Kelly on the cabinet
“ Golden Rain! Oh man here it comes again! Golden Rain! ”
~ Tay Zonday on R. Kelly
R. Kelly's Latest Video.
This is the remix edition.
[edit] Discography
R. Kelly had many albums released during his career. His first album, Born in the 1st Century was somehow able to sell 62 copies, even though J.D. Salinger wrote Holden Caulfield. Kelly released many other works which bombed on release. To date many of his albums have many good uses as coaster and kindling for a household fire that a family can gather warmth together in.
- Born in the 1st Century (1356) 62 sales
- A not so Chocolate Factory (1534) 500 sales
- Fried chicken delight (1612) 13,371,337 sales
- Trapped in the Pantry Closet(Featuring Tom Cruise and John Travolta) (2004) 123,456,789 sales
- Trapped In The Closet, Chapters 1-986542154846545454874846.2
- Trapped In The Cupboard (2005) 999,999.99 sales
[edit] A video of his new urban opera
Please note that R Kelly is not actually in this video, it is his body double (aka Johnny Knoxville )
