Rachael Ray

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Rachael Ray, selling her various cooking utensils.
Rachael Ray, selling her various cooking utensils.

Rachael "Fatty" Ray Leonard Vitta Siadov Fryz (born July 12, 1968 in the back of a VW microbus) is a well known pastry huffer, astronaut, and viking. She is recognized the world over for her abundant booty and unrelenting brutality on the battlefield. She is also a she-male, but amputated her man bits in an effort to lose a quick 5 lbs (Yea, she was packin').

Contents

[edit] "Delish"

Every time this phrase is spoken, 51 children in Africa die and another 501 get eaten by Kirstie Alley. Satan have mercy on their souls. Thanks to this, mormons prayed to Allah and so God wrote yet another chapter in the bible titled "The Future Testament" . Now the world has to go out and buy new bibles to 1) support the economy and 2) have a bible that is up to date. Once again, it's the Mormon's fault. May Buddha be with you!

[edit] Fornicators, Hoes, and Men

Fornicators, Hoes, and Men magazine recently did an article on her amazing ass. In the article, it discusses men who are attracted to her boobs. These men who are attracted to her amazing rack are generally considered to be heterosexuals, although this may be part of her vast propaganda campaign to win over the religious right. She is also Jesus Christ Superstar.

[edit] Specialties

Rachael is famous for her spit roast or rotisseries, also her wobbly H and finger-cuffs. Rachael is also known for her skills with a shiv.

[edit] Cookbooks

Let's not forget her long line of how-to cookbooks:

  • How to Serve Man (Foreword by Rod Serling)
  • How to make Semen Smoothies
  • How to Fillet a Panda (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Make a Pot Roast Out of Maya Angelou's Corpse (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Poison Your In-Laws With Great 30-Minute Meals (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Tell Your Kids Their Fried Chicken Ate Their Goldfish (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Convince Barbara Walters That She is a Lesbo (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Make Racist Cuss Words on Your Food And Discreetly Serve it to Foreigners (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Turn Terry Schiavo into A Pool of Vegetable Soup (Coontz Publishing)
  • How to Make Jizz Drizzled Muffins with Your Dog.
  • Flambe sauces from the Richard PRyor cookbook.

[edit] Battle with Aquaman

In 2002, Rachael Ray fought Aquaman to the death, though not much is known about the battle. What is known is that nobody has seen or heard from Aquaman since. It is rumored that she used the Unstoppable Sword of Omega Death Turbo, and that she used his blood on an episode of 30 Minute Meals.

[edit] Domination of Mars

In late December 1985, Rachael Ray stole the NASA space shuttle Challenger and went on a solo mission to Mars. Upon arrival, she encountered the last of a humanoid race living on the desolate planet, dying of starvation. The people of Mars turned to Rachael for help, and was the last mistake ever made by the sorry bunch. She slaughtered every last one of them and ate their feces. When she returned to Earth, she planted 27 pounds of Semtex in random places all over Challenger, causing its explosion in early 1986. Rachael Ray is fighting a legal battle with the world's top astronomers on renaming Mars "New Stankia," Stankia being the name of her juice box.

[edit] In the future

In the year 2012 Rachael cured cancer by making a wonderful whiskey cake (it's great for brunch!) in less than 18.3 seconds. In 3049, Rachael battled the cryogenically frozen Jake Gyllenhaal to see who would become Björk's new bottom in "Brokeback Mountain 37, Rise of the Fags". She will also in the year 4555 will also learn to cook healthy food. Unfortunately- this will also be the apocalapse! So go and enjoy your life until this year, not like you will actually live that long unless you are Chuck Norris!

[edit] Presidency

Tomorrow, Rachael decided to overthrow Bob's Presidency. This went over well with very little effort. She was the 57th of the Mythical United States Presidents until yesterday, when everyone decided that Oscar Wilde kicked her ass. It's still a great ass though, even with his foot in it. Hell, her own feet are pretty damn sexy, to boot.

[edit] Other information

A total drunk and somewhat cheap (see $40 a day), she's interested in sex, more sex, Halo 2, skydiving, and spoon licking.

According to Wikipedia, "Rachel Ray does crack." When presented with this information, Ray was heard to say "That SKANK ASS HO Wikipedia can suck my FUCKING DICK!" However, she was high on crack at the time, so God only knows how of that can be trusted.

She isn't even a bitch, but rednecks still love and worship her, anyway.

She has employed her own personal stalker to peep down her shirt through the window over her sink when she's washing her hands. He has been known to randomly shout "Rachael Ray is hot! Let's lick Rachael Ray's feet!" She usually then obliges him by sucking on her own toes and moaning "Yum-O!"

After finding out that her husband liked feet, she chopped off her right foot during her show. She then prepared a special meal consisting of her toes as an appetizer, her sole as the main course, and her heel as dessert. The audience loved it so much that the next week she prepared stew in a cauldron, stripped down to her underwear, and climbed in. The "Rachael Ray Stew" was the last meal she ever made.

[edit] External links

[edit] See also


Preceded by:
Bob 		President of the United States
Tomorrow - Yesterday 		Succeeded by:
Oscar Wilde



This article is true
All things are true, even false things. Therefore, this article is factually correct and, as such, entirely unsuitable for Uncyclopedia. Therefore, until further notice, this page is to be continuously rewritten.


This is a vanity page.
This page is a shameless example of egotism and is completely worthless. The author is pretty darn hot, though. You have to admit that.
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Rachael_Ray"
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