Randy Orton
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Randall Kenneth "Pacman Killer" Orton or Randall Kenneth "One Man Dynasty Chinese Takeaway" Orton is a professional WWE Superstar. He was born to Rootin' Tootin' Poopin' Rodeo Clown Bob Orton and Dina Lohan in a virgin birth. Some may believe that he is the only immaculate figure to ever defecate in a girl's handbag. When asked to comment on whether or not he has ever taken a number two in a chick's purse, you know, just for fun, Jesus was unavailable to comment.
As a wrestler, Randy Orton is known as "The Legend Killer." He claims to have killed the careers of numerous wrestlers and mythical figures. But in real life, he has only killed his own career. Randy Orton is also credited for inventing the "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" dance, although many people mistakenly believe it was Brian Griffin who invented this dance, and not Randy Orton, although this is false.
Through his young life, Orton is credited for killing many WWE Legends such as Tupac Shakur, Pickle Man, European Poet Laureates, war refugees,
Reese Witherspoon, Flyingfeline, as well as most of the English language.
[edit] Early Life
Really Krappy Offender (RKO) was a reincarnation of a flying squirrel (most definitely)in one of America's "Shitty 7", of St. Louis, Missouri, sometime around 1982. when he was still a fetus in his mum's womb, Randy Orton was taught the "RKO" by a dozen druid monks in Mongolia. Orton's father, "Rootin' Tootin' Rodeo Clown Bob Orton" had paid off the monks to give Orton his own signature finishing wrestling move. After failing to do a Powerbomb, Suplex, DDT, Samoan Drop, Arm Wrench, Punch, and Backbreaker, Orton took a lunch break and ate a bunch of bananas. One of the druid monks slipped on one of the banana peels, however, causing him to fall over. This inspired Orton to come up with his finishing move, the RKO, where he grabs a person by the neck and makes them fall. Naturally, he named it after himself. Meanwhile, sister Lindsay was coming up with her own finisher, the "LLL," (a modified Dragon Screw) even at only the age of one, this was an event that would lead to his bitter jealousy of his sister.
Growing up around wrestling gave young Randall the inspiration for his future career. He often challenged the children in the neighborhood to wrestling matches. Often times they would refuse, afraid of Randall's finisher: the Shit In Your Bag maneuver. His greatest match was against Mothra who had come over to Randy's house to borrow some sugar from his mom. Randy used the RKO, knocking Mothra down. He then punt-kicked Mothra in the face, and shit in Mothra's measuring cup. After seeing this, Rootin' Tootin' Bob Orton saw a future for his son in the wrestling business. Regrettably, later in life no one else did.
At an early age Randy Orton had an aversion to pants. Often seen running around the streets with only a T-Shirt and some underoo's on he would scream "I'm RANDY ORTON & I hate pants." This prompted his friends to give him the nickname Rand-Bob NoPants.
[edit] Sibling Rivalry
Orton grew up constantly competing for his parent's affection with his much less talented little half sister, Lindsay.
He would pull pranks of the "ruining her childhood" variety, such as killing off the legend of Halloween by RKO'ing the Great Pumpkin, or when he deliberately killed the legend of Santa Claus by RKO'ing him down the chimney, and then promptly eating the milk and cookies (which he later defecated in to her stocking.) The next year, to impress his friends and to annoy her again, he killed the legend of the Easter Bunny overnight, when he surprised him by staying up late and RKO'ing him through a wall and then giving him the deadly "Career Ending Kick to the Head of Doom". In high school, he even showed up to RKO her ham sandwich, which he later pooped into her handbag between classes and claimed it to be lotion.
[edit] The Randy News Network
At age 18, Randy Orton was offered his own news channel, called the Randy News Network. Unfortunately, most of it contained information about various names Orton had for his penis. The Randy News Network was eventually bought out by Ted Turner and became Fox News: Fair and Balanced coverage.
[edit] Military Duty
At age 19, Randy Orton had joined the military for active duty for the war in Iraq. However, fearful and cowardly, Orton had purposely dropped out of the military before being sent overseas by "disorderly conduct." Randy Orton had took a dump in his female commanding officer's handbag. That, and he gave the microwave the "Career Ending Kick to the Head of Doom" maneuver. Orton's little sister was forced to serve military duty, as well, but like Randy, had gotten kicked out after tying up her peers and forcing them to watch "Freaky Friday".
[edit] WWE RAW
By age 20, Orton had honed his RKO'ing skills and thus, was offered a contract in the World Wrestling Entertainment developmental territory of OVW. Orton immediately on his first day started taking Marijuana at work and flirting with Stacy Keibler. Naturally, this helped boost Randy Orton into the WWE's primetime, and by the end of that year, Orton was signed to RAW as part of the "Son of Orton" gimmick.
Currently Randy Orton is filming a documentary "The RKO in it's Natural Habitat!" The plot centers around a metro douche name Brandall who RKO's Hulk Hogan (Played by Hulk Hogan), then stealing away his daughter and planning her parents divorce.
[edit] Theory of Evolution
Orton celebrated his first victory on RAW (over WWE Intercontinental Champion, Lita) by getting high at work, again. Impressed by his rowdy nature, Triple Naitch had signed Orton as part of the new heel stable, founded by Hunter Hearst Helmsley, known as "Evolution." In the stable, Triple H and fellow teammates would beat up and attack anyone on RAW who believed in the righteousness of Creationism, including well-known Jehovah's Witnesses and Shawn Michaels. Randy Orton went along with Evolution but did not understand much of it himself.
One night, Orton (having been born from an incredible religious miracle himself) actually had a female WWE superstar sit down and read to him the theory of Evolution. After SmackDown! diva and 20/20 news correspondent Amy Weber explained to him what exactly Evolution was, Orton ran out of the arena, in a crazed, confused Tizzy! But not before defecating in Ms. Weber's handbag and delivering an RKO to her, for good measure.
Orton would later, go on to RKO the WWE's second most anti-religious man, Uh... some dude who used to exist, but doesn't no more for claiming that both Evolution and Orton Theory were false religions and that the one, true faith is Scientology. When confronting his teammates about how he knew Evolution was wrong, (as he was proof of this) and how he just killed the legend of Scientology, Orton's teammates turned on him! Most notably was the powerbomb delivered to Orton by the Batista. But this wasn't enough humilation, as Triple H gave Orton a Pedigree, just to make sure that they'd knock that non-Evolution non-sense out of him.
[edit] Orton Theory
After his humiliation, Randy Orton would go about, trying to prove to every one on RAW that He was the one, true God! This became known by outsiders as "Orton Theory." Randy Orton decided that he would kill all religious legends that opposed Orton Theory. Along his road of killing legends and fulfilling his father's wishes, Orton had decided that he liked killing legends and thus, would pursue it as a lifelong career.
After shitting in handbags, suitcases, garbage cans, etc. Orton was shipped back to Raw, he is still there sucking in the ring & shitting in peoples stuff.
[edit] WWE SmackDown!
[edit] The Deadman
While over on SmackDown!, Orton had learned about the Legend of the Undertaker. Orton tried to kill the legend of 'Taker, but failed miserably. Afterwards, Orton had a broken freakin' neck, at the hands of the Undertaker! Even with help from his father, "Rootin' Tootin' Rodeo Clown Bob Orton," Orton still could not kill the Legend of old man Taker.
Finally, Orton had given up. With his sentence repayed by jobbing out constantly to Undertaker, Orton was allowed back on RAW, once more.
[edit] Championshit history
Randy has held the HardCore Pooping Champsionshit, the Intercontinence Champion, the WWE Tag Team Pooping Championshit, and of course the title of World's Largest Metro Douche Bag. He is a record 10 time Women's champion too (really 20, but he would not admit it).
[edit] Return to RAW
Since returning to RAW, Orton has partnered up with the only man who understands his inner-child, Edge. Orton and Edge went on to form the tag duo, "Rated E for Everyone." (most likely, the "E" for "Edge" and "Everyone" for "people who can't tolerate him.") The Edge and Orton stable went on to fight with Orton's old mentor and first killed legend, HHH and Shawn Michaels, now in the revived mid 1980's stable of "Degeneration X" (now, only known as "DX"). Orton and Edge failed to kill the legend of DX, but did however, manage to kill the legends of Trish Stratus, Lita, and Rob Conway, somehow.
By Wrestlemania 23, "Degeneration X" had degenerated Team "Rated E for Everyone." Orton and Edge fought for a while and eventually, Orton killed the Legend of an Italian hotel room, forcing Edge to drink coffee (but never decaf).
By late Summer 2007, Orton sought to kill the Legend of The Marine, and once again face his arch nemesis, Cena at "SummerSuck 2007." Of course, he lost. He faced Cena again at Unfuckiven and lost again. After the match, Cena's father made Orton his bitch by kicking him across the face.
[edit] Randy Orton: Good Behavior
Randy Orton is said to be the best behaved superstar in the company, and has received a Nobel Prize for his work of getting back at the evil women of the WWE.
Randy Orton, in late 2005, was wrongly accused of streaking through downtown St. Louis. However, WWE released him on good behavior, and fired the real streaker, Paul Heyman. Orton has never been the same since becoming the jailhouse "Alpha Dog".
Randy Orton is often cited by WWE for his good work at shitting in everything but the toilet. Said one spokesman "He stopped shitting himself so we're good." Randy Orton will soon be marketing his own line of Adult Diapers.
Randy Orton is well known backstage for his willingness to help others, he recently gave WWE superstar Carlito a haircut. For good measure Randy offered to give Carlito a makeover. After all as Randy often says "The world should be a metro douche like me".
[edit] Career Outside of WWE
Rando Orton has a rather uncanny resembelence to early 90's super hero Captain Planet. This is because it's his alter ego. Together, with MVP, Captain "Randy" Planet and the Power Ranger do battle against the evil TNA Olymipan, Captain Charisma and the Umaga rip off.
[edit] Legends That Orton Has Killed
- Legend of Some guy: RKOed for no reason
- Legend of Sora: RKOed for being lame and gay.
- Legend of MAX: AAAed then submitted to P2P
- Legend of the Your mom: Fucked, RKOed and Fucked again.
- Legend of Paul Mooney: After his 17 inch schlong failed to kill Orton, Paul Mooney used his last resort and committed suicide.
- "Legend" of the Jack Thompson: RKO’ed after Jack called Randy evil for being a gamer.
- Legend of The Angry Video Game Nerd: RKO'ed while ranting on some shitty games from the past.
- Legend of The Juggernaut: Due to being impervious to RKO’s, Randy wore the Juggernaut down with a long series of chinlocks until the Juggernaut fell asleep, which Randy took opportunity of by pinning him for a three-count
- Legend of the Sandman: In a deleted scene in Spider Man 3, there is a cut to the Sandman as he enters his home. He finds his family gone for the day, when he happens upon his daughter’s backpack, containing several pounds of shit inside of it. Just as he looks around, he is RKO’ed by surprise.
- Legend of Mario: RKO’ed while flying around with the Wing Cap.
- Legend of Chuck Norris: RKOed while attempting a roundhouse kick. Since Chuck Norris is highly overrated, Orton had no trouble with him.
- Legend of Lindsay Lohan’s Ham Sandwich: RKO’ed after the second bite. Later, it was shit into her handbag after class.
- Legend of Dawn: First injured her boyfriend John Cena, then Super RKOed her on the car, PWNED....
- Legend of Saddam Hussein: After he was hanged, Orton cut him down from the noose of the rope with an RKO.
- Legend of Hulk Hogan:in the ring, Hogan didn't jump when Orton attempted a super RKO so chinlocked to death... or Isn't he dead????
- Legend of Bill Gates:RKO'ed while swimming in money.
- Legend of King Kong:RKO'ed of the Empire State, Orton did get squashed by the weight of Kong.
- Legend of Harry Potter:RKO'ed after he failed to do his Petronus charm for Orton.
The Legend Of Rosie O'Donald:While giving Hilary Clinton a big kiss, a jealous Orton in the crowd jumped the barricade and delivered a devastating RKO to Rosie which was literally felt around the world. It caused several earthquakes & was the cause of the 2004 Tsunami that hit Indonesia and surrounding areas.
- Legend of John Cena (if he even ever had a legend): Cena faked an injury to avoid losing the title to Orton.
- The Legend of Godzilla:Knowing that Godzilla had the ability to prevent people from bombing him, Orton decided to RKO him into a bomb which then destroyed Godzilla until that retarded healing of his kicked in.
- Legend of Eli Manning: RKOed then hit with his own MVP trophy.
- The Legend of Pokemon: Randy went on a rampage with a whole shitload of guns and made the Pokemon go extinct while on a hunting trip with Tommy Vercetti and Chuck Norris.
- The Legend of Cloud Strife: Orton tracked down Cloud Strife and then challenged him to a match, Cloud accepted the challenge. The match was a decent fight and ended when Orton punched Cloud in the balls, hit the RKO, destroying the ring and the arena they were in and pinned Cloud.
“I have just proved your gay and overrated punk!”
~ Randy Orton on defeating Cloud Strife
- The Legend of Paul Murray: Murray had a top secret party and forgot to hand good ole' Randall an invite and was ultimately RKO'd on the final night boogie. He later died from an RKO induced tumor.
- The Legend of Master Hand: RKOed by the middle finger.
- The Legend of Big Brother: RKO'ed when Randy realized he was being watched.
- The Legend of Zelda: Randy got pissed when his super cool N64 crashed just as the credits of Ocarina Of Time were playing, meaning that he never officially completed the game. Randy RKO'd the N64 and the game out the window and went in a huff.
- The Legend of Sonic: Sonic took 3 RKOs to finally die as he has a Bubble Shield and a few rings spare. Tails was then mercilessly Concussion Kicked for about 5 minutes (as he somehow has infinite lives) until Randy finally stopped playing Sonic 2.
- Resistance: Fall Of Man: RKO'd the game-disc as Orton prefers Halo 3 and it's Tea-Bagging technique. Orton states that it's much more similar to "shtting in ones bag pose" of his.
[edit] Legends That Orton Has Failed To Kill
- Legend of Steve Blackman: Randy Orton kills legends. Steve Blackman kills Randy Ortons.
- Legend of Hulk Hogan: RKO’ed, but Death ripped his heart out and, giving him time to tap into the gem of Cyttorak, which he was borrowing from the Juggernaut for the weekend, resulting in Hulkmania running wild on Orton that night.Death returned Randy's heart.
- Legend of Rocky Balboa Rocky over came the odds and R-KOed Randy ROCKY STYLE!.
- Legend of Spider Man Spider Man quite simply kicked Randy's ass.
- Legend of Luigi: Immediately following the defeat of Mario, Orton was uppercut for 30% (total 190%), sending him flying off the screen.
- Legend of Zelda: Transformed into a Ninja and subsequently kicked Orton’s ass. Orton later shat into her bag.
- Legend of Jack Bauer: Out-wrestled Jack for 24 hours using a long series of chinlocks, but it proved to be not enough to take down Jack. Orton was subsequently interrogated as to how he lasted so long.
- Legend of T: Orton didn't last long against Vincent Dasetto's bro. T really didn't do much but touch him and Orton died.
- Legend of Zach gowen: Orton tried to RKO Gowen, but Gowen pulled a knife on Orton and shoved it so far down his throat Orton did not know where he was.
- Legend of Roy Mustang: Orton charged but consequently was lit on fire.
- Legend of Captain Jack Sparrow: RKO’ed as ship was going down, so credit was given to the Kraken.
- Legend of Tommy Vercetti: Randy Orton traveled to Vice City to kill the Legend of the King of Vice City, Tommy Vercetti. Tommy found out about this and ran Orton over in his car.
- Legend of Miles Edgeworth: Orton got sued by him and one loud Objection made Orton faint.
- Legend of the Kraken: Each tentacle was RKO’ed, but it was later credited to Davy Jones, who claimed that they had a domestic dispute. Orton is currently pursuing legal action against Davy Jones over the credit of killing both the Kraken and Captain Jack Sparrow.
- Legend of Sleepy Hollow: Tried to RKO the headless horseman but found out that he had no head.
- Legend of Homer Simpson: Lost a donut eating contest to Homer.
- Legend of The Doctor: Orton tried to kill the doctor in the time war he gave the doctor the RKO, however little did Orton know that the doctor could regenerate, he regenerated and executed his special move SSUTAKO (Sonic Screwdriver Up The Arse Knock Out)
- Legend of "Stone Cone" Steve Austin: Tried to RKO but failed miserably, after Stone Cone pulled out some beer, drank it and got all crazy on Orton's ass.
- Legend of Gohan: Orton himself was RKO'ed after sending his Orton Jr's. to attack Goku and the others. An angered Gohan turned Super Saiyan (after five episodes of standing while yelling) and fired off an even bigger Kamehameha.
- Legend of Kurt Angle: Despite The RKO breaking Kurt's Freaking Neck!!!!!1, Orton tapped like a bitch to the Ankle Lock 0.03 seconds after it was applied.
[edit] Orton's Moveset
- \__0_/
- The "Burn in my Light" or as I call it the "Shit in my light" Douchebag Pose
- The RKO(Half a stunner combined with half a twist of fate)
- Concussion Kick of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!
- The Shitty Diamond Cutter (AKA the RKO 2.0)
- The Super RKO (The same as above)
- The Super DUPER RKO (The same as above but even worse)
- The Modified Stunner
- The Atomic Leg Drop
- The One You Don't Think Will Be An RKO But Ends Up Being Pulled Out Of Vince's Arse
- Shitting in Girl's Handbags
- Thunderbolt
- Twist of Fate (minus the twist)
- Hitmonchan's Comet Punch
- Stomp
- More Stomps
- Even More Stomps
- Another Bloody Stomp When He Could Be Wrestling
- Slap
- Spit
- Breath in
- Breath out
- Inhale
- Exhale
- Bite
- Punch
- Kick
- An even weaker kick
- A kick so weak that it hurts him more than it hurts you
- A kick so DAMN weak that it heals you instead of hurting you
- Dropkick
- The Dropkick Kick
- The CrotchKick
- Elbow Drop
- European Uppercut
- Stretch Backbreaker
- Reverse cowboy backbreaker
- Shin Leg Twist
- Forearm Smash to face
- BALLIN'!!!
- Chinlock
- Another Chinlock
- Making People Fall Over
- Missing the RKO on Chris Jericho
- Signing Contracts
- Cheap imitations of STONE CONE's STUNNER!!! and Matt Hardy's Twist of fate.
- Talking in a deep "Randy Orton" voice to annoy your ass
- Kissing mah ass
- Getting Y2J mad
- Pissing just about anyone off
- Being a gay piece of shit
- Eating my crap
- Kicking himself in the crotch
- Sucking his own balls
- FALCON PUNCH!
- Hunger striking
- KA-ME-HA-ME-HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
[edit] Orton's Favorite Hobbies
- RKO'ing people (especially girls and his mom)
- Shitting in Chick's Handbags
- Chinlocks
- Making People Fall Over
- Wagging Dick Around to Brianna Robinson *Smoking Weed in the Most Inappropriate Places
- Speaking Unintelligibly
- Inserting his penis into his mum
- Choking on his father's penis
- Flirting with relatives
- Pimp-smacking Dumb British People
- Tripping Old Ladies (like Mae Young)
- Drinking Strawberry Milkshakes
- Being Triple H's Bitch
- Getting Tribal and/or Mega Man Tattoos
- Stabbing Hobos
- Acting Like a Fucktard
- Porn
- Anal sex with his dad
- Doing Batista's Laundry
- Speaking in a big booming voice that makes you wanna kick his ass
- Being gay with hobos
- Eating shit
- Barfing out shit
- Doing cheap imitations of other wrestler's "finishers" and failing to do them properly
- Kissing mah ass
- Sucking his own balls
- Dusting off Ric Flair's balls
- Rapin' with 50 cent (notice how "rapping" is spelled
- Having a buffalo take a fucking diarrhea dump shit in his ear
- Making Y2J MAD AS FUCK
- Speaking like:DAMN YOU Y2J! SO WHAT ARE YOU HERE TO SAAAAAAVE UUUSS FROOOOM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? HHHHHMMMMMMMMMM?!?!?!?!?!!??!!??
- Trying to win the most awards for being the #1 most downloaded man in the gay community
- Raping gay people
- Playing Sex Toys in the public!!!
- Having sex with hobos (and dumpsters)
- Picking his Ass
- Sniffing Jordan Tauroa's Ass (Coz he loves it)
- Talking out his Ass
- Burning his Light
- Keagan Folster and Steven Mandiopera are fags
- Having small eyes
- Reading this
[edit] Orton's Favorites
- Favorite Hobby of Them All: Fake yet believed to be real, WRASSLIN'
- Favorite Network: Focks news
- Favorite Country The Disputed Territories of Uaregay.
- Favorite Actor: Britney Spears
- Favorite Actress: John Cena
- Favorite Athlete: Himself
- Favorite Video Game: Smackdown Vs RAW 2008
- Favorite Movie: Wargames
- Favorite Sport: Rasslin
- Favorite Sports Entertainment: WWE RAW
- Favorite Wrestler: Himself
- Favorite Sports Entertainer: Himself
- Favorite Female Wrestler: Brooke Hogan
- Favorite Female Sports Entertainer: Candice "Hotel Erotica" Michelle
- Favorite Fantasy Creature: The Won Ton
- Favorite Religion: McMahonism
- Favorite Nationality: Cena's "kind"
- Favorite Type of People: Hackers
- Favorite Killed Legend: Trish Stratus
- Favorite Bags To Poop In: Louis Vitton
- Favorite Self Body Part: Crotch (Either form will suffice)
- Favorite Music Artist: Kurt Cobain
- Favorite kitten to huff: Your's
- Favorite work of music: John Cena's
- Top 5 Favorite Wrestling Moves: Chinlock, A Dropkick, European Uppercut, RKO and a Backbreaker .. basically his entire moveset
