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Dear Victim,
Let me start by saying that I'm really not such a bad person. Oh sure, I've been charged with lots of weird crimes (like baby arson) but I always managed to escape before the trial date. AHEM if I may continue: this ransom note was very thoughtfully put together, and I would be quite "miffed" if you didn't read the whole thing.

[edit] Why I Am Ransoming You

This part is difficult because I can't give away my identity. However, I can give you a few clues as to the nature of your crime.

1. My Girlfriend
2. Your hairy jiggly johnson

These two items interacted in a manner which made me vomit and cry at the same time. That's why I committed this crime. What exactly did I take from you? Oh! there were so many things ...

[edit] Shit I Stole From You

Pulling off a heist on you was easy. That shithole you call an apartment was just full of items right there for the taking. Couldn't you find a decent lock for your door, you moron?

1. your "fashion" magazines (for obvious reasons)
2. your crosstrainers
3. your black and white television
4. your Ernest Borgnine poster, which I thought was offensive at first, but really grew on me.