Rape
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“Rape don't exist, all bitches are truly gagging for it.”
~ 50 Cent on Rape
“It's not rape...it's surprise sex.
SURPRISE!! We're having sex!”
~ Oscar Wild on Rape
“Is nice!”
~ Borat Sagdiyev on Rape
“Rape is natural, rape is fun, rape is best when it's five on one!”
~ George Michael on Rape
Why, hello there! So you want to know what rape (or surprise sex) is? Alright, I'll be happy to explain! But are you sure that you wouldn't rather take a look in the back of my van first? I have lots of barbies and candy in there! What, you don't like barbies? Oh! I'm Sorry, little boy - you look stupid enough to fall for that.
Rape is EVERYTHING. All your rape are belong to us. Ever heard the song "Twinkle Twinkle Little Rape?" Ever eaten a slice of Rapeberry Pie? Did you know that your cat is a rape? Rape is everywhere, rape is everything, rape is everybody, rape is still the king!
But really the best place to commit rape is to get magically summoned into an episode of Charmed first. Anything you do there isn't a crime in the real world and it spices up the show even more for the rest of us.
It's a good thing that you've decided to ask me, a random stranger. Your parents are probably yuppie prudes who would try and describe the concept in delicious, sticky euphemisms. Every time you ask your Dad about rape he gets a little twinkle in his eye and just says "You'll figure it out when you're older" But listen, my dog ran away, so we'll have to look for it together while I explain. I think he went down this dark alley. Why don't you go look for me while I get this out of my trunk.
Remember, you can't be arrested if you yell "surprise" first. Everybody loves surprises. Beginning rapists may want to keep this in mind.
Contents |
You
Without rape you would not exist, But some of you were created with the help of beer, thats okay, it is sort of rape if your mum is drunk.
Terminology
Most linguists believe that the word 'rape' (also known by the rather more vulgar synonym "surprise sex") was believed to have first been used in the English language in the year 1787, until the year 1812, when it was proved to have actually been first used in 1776. As the story goes, Thomas "TJ" Jefferson was writing the lyrics to his soon-to-be-famous single, Get Liberty or Die Tryin, when he was interrupted by long-time rival Alexander "50 Pence" Hamilton. Hamilton remarked on Jefferson's affairs with his slaves, to which Jefferson replied, "How else am I supposed to be a hit rapist if I don't practice raping?"
Of course this is all ethnocentric bullshit. The word is Middle English, deriving from the Latin rapa, a type of turnip. The turnip is known for its oil, "rapeseed," which is used as a spice in many foods and well-liked for its salty flavor and thick consistency.
That makes a lot more sense, doesn't it? Put your blindfold back on.
How to commit rape
1. Select your victim. Popular criteria include long hair, an air of vulnerability, looking like a fucking lesbian who could do with a good shagging, and being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Be careful if your victim is a hitch-hiker, wearing a short skirt, drunk, promiscuous, or female, as under those circumstances she is asking for it, making rape impossible.
2. Using either force, deception, Rohypnol®, or ambush, take the victim to a secluded place (too many witnesses can ruin the romantic atmosphere). Popular spots are back alleys, grass verges, bushes, woods, your dirty shithole of a flat, the victim's flat (for added trauma) or film studios with a live feed to the internet.
3. Establish a clear refusal. The refusal should be clear, as when a woman says no she really means yes. A clear refusal will ideally be accompanied by:
- struggling
- screaming
- kicking
- begging
- bleeding
Of course, you could just simply drug her. (Note: in some legal systems, only "absence of consent" is required: this can easily be established by not bothering to ask).
4. Rape the victim, by inserting either your penis, fingers, or a foreign object (for example a French horn or a Swiss army knife) in the orifice of your choice. Violence and jocular coercion are strongly recommended. Note all orifices, including the mouth, are fair game, as are all foreign objects, including broccoli, and therefore forcing kids to eat that crap legally constitutes rape. Are you listening mum?
5. Congratulations. You have now committed a rape. It is now up to you whether you imprison and continue to rape your victim (proceed to #2), flee the scene of the crime, kill the victim and dispose of the body, or simply stick the kettle on and put your feet up as the tremendous bias of the judicial system against rape victims ensures that 95% of rapes go unpunished.
Asking for it
Rapists are renowned throughout the world for their gentle politeness, and would never attack someone who didn't ask for it. To ask, victims may use one of several time-honored ritual invitations:
- Looking sexy
- Neglecting to wear a chastity belt
- Not knowing her place (technically known as "failure to consent")
- Failing to die cleanly enough to make it necrophilia
By the way, does this tissue smell funny? No? Are you sure? Sniff it again. Nothing? I could have sworn that it was dripping in clor-... Never mind, kid. Sorry about that. Let me make it up to you with some Kool-Aid. Yeah, doesn't that taste nice? Yeah. You like that, don't you? More? No, I don't want you throwing it up on me while I'm fiddling abo- I mean, er, we don't want you throwing up, now, do we, you sweet little child?
Date Rape
Date rape is considered the most sincere form of flattery. The big problem with it is that first you need to have a date. Be sure to choose pitted dates because the other kind doesn't have a hole in it.
In the unlikely event that you should have a girl date to work with, pay close attention to her body language and subtle nonverbal signals. For example, if she starts screaming, it's a good sign. She's enjoying herself! You'll have been careful to pick a secluded, romantic location, so nobody will be around to misinterpret her orgasmic wails as a cry for help. However, if your partner just gives you a wide-eyed stare, perhaps she's waiting for you to do some romantic foreplay. Whip out Mr. Hammer. She just might be your sister.
There have been several amazing breakthroughs by the medical industry in the field of date rape, including Rohypnol, THC and spit of the alpaca. Heineken has even developed a popular new range of beers that have a date rape drug already added, sold under their trademark "Grab a heinie" slogan. They have met stiff competition from the Iranian Bubisiken Beer Company (famous slogan "Grab some boobies").
Statutory rape
Because statues rarely struggle or report incidents to the police, they are favored targets of rape. In fact, statutory rape may be the most common kind, and many people don't even feel like it's really even a crime, at least not if it's a really hot statue. But it is a crime that can cause grievous psychological damage against a population of statues that is completely defenseless and in need of our help.
- Female/male statutory rape has less harsher punishment than a male/female statutory rape. This is either due to societal prejudice or just that the courts don't like people who drill holes into statues.
How to Identify a Rapist
The most effective way to avoid being raped is to stay away from rapists. But how do you know what a rapist looks like? That's what we're here to show you. Here, hold this mirror. Now gaze deeply into the mirror, and tell me what you see.
You see a rapist. But how do you identify other rapists? It's easy.
- Is he a middle-aged male with a beer belly and the stench of stale Fritos? He's probably a rapist.
- Is he a male with irreversible facial disfigurement? There's a high probability that his free-time hobby is rape.
- Is he a male that slides up next to you at the bar and offers to enhance the flavor of your drink with his own special ingredients? Once again, he's most likely trying to rape you.
- Does he have a penis? If yes, he's a rapist. The penis is the tool of the trade.
- Is he a male that is actively raping you or someone else?
- Is he black?
- Is he currently wearing a red england football shirt and staring at a computer screen?
- Is he unaware of the purpose of masturbation?
What To Do if You Have Been Raped
Pay attention, because you'll be tested on this in about ten minutes. It is very important that you know what to do in case you are ever raped. Failure to properly follow these procedures could result in STD transmission, pregnancy, clinical depression, and other side effects. You could even die. But, if you do every as I tell you, the worst that should happen is a few days of mild irritation in the anal region.
Of course, before you follow these procedures, you have to be sure that you have, indeed, been raped. Because most rapes end with the supposed 'victim' waking up in a dumpster with no memory of the last few days, it may be hard to tell. You can tell that you have been raped if you are:
- feeling numb and detached, like being in a daze or a dream, or feeling that the world is strange and unreal
- having difficulty remembering important parts of the alleged assault
- reliving the assault through repeated thoughts, memories, or nightmares
- avoiding things (places, thoughts, feelings) that remind you of the assault
- having anxiety or increased arousal around phallic objects (nuclear missiles, bald men, etc.)
- dripping semen from one or multiple orifices.
Just because all of these signs are present does not necessarily mean that you have been raped. All of these symptoms also occur after a night of heavy drinking. Check the dumpster for beer cans, hypodermic needles, or dead kittens. If you find any of these, then most likely you were not raped but instead had the best damn night of your life. Celebrate with a good huff.
If you did not find any of these things, then you can be pretty sure that you were raped. Check into an emergency room immediately. Do not shower! This could wash away the rapist's cooties and make identifying him impossible.
Most importantly, DO NOT inform the police for at least two weeks. Taking a short time to come to terms with your trauma and well-deserved sense of shame and self-disgust will help them to dismiss your case. Coming forward immediately may make them believe the kind of cock and bull story sluts like you are always coming up with, and could land your rapist in trouble.
If you would like more call 1-800-horny
“Confuse 'em then sexually abuse 'em!”
~ Oscar Wilde on date rape
If Somebody You Know Has Been Raped
Let them know that you believe them
Often, people reporting rape to their friends are met with skepticism or outright disbelief. Simply letting a survivor know that you believe them and that you stand behind them is a great help. Don't call them a liar, or tell them that they're "just doing it for attention", even if they are. This will just be hurtful to the victims feelings, especially if you were the one who raped her.
Allow the survivor to make his or her own decisions
This point can be very difficult, it can be very tempting to "take over" for a while in an attempt to help the survivor deal with the rape. If she doesn't want kisses on her bruises or "Get Well Soon" sex, you should respect her wishes. It is important to remember that because of the rape, the survivor felt a loss of control over their life. Reestablishing that control is very important. I recommend role-reversal. Try letting her hold the whip while you're handcuffed to the bed for once. Try to defer to a survivor's decisions, even if they decide to let you make some decisions. If a survivor wants to talk, try to be an open listener. Telling her to shut up once the game comes on is acceptable, because not listening to your wishes could result in yet more rape. If they prefer not to talk about the assault... great!
Educate yourself about the myths of rape. For example:
- In Greek mythology, Zeus raped Leto in the form of a swan.
- In Greek mythology, Zeus raped Io in the form of a cloud.
- In Greek mythology, Zeus raped Danae in the form of a shower of gold.
- In Greek mythology, Zeus raped Europa in the form of a bull.
- In Greek mythology, Zeus raped almost everyone in basically every form you can imagine.
- In Internet mythology, Zeus raped Nimda in the form of a dDOS attack.
- In Greek mythology, there were three kinds of nymphs: Dryads, Naiads and Nereids, all of which got raped pretty much all the time.
- In Norse mythology, everyone raped everyone. In Valhalla people will rape each other every day, and wake up virgins the next, for all eternity.
Try not to worry too much about "saying the right thing," or, "not accidentally poking her in the eye with my penis." Being available to listen is far more important. Just let a survivor know that you still think she's hot, and all else will follow.
Remember, rape is a crime and as such, the victim may be prosecuted for taking part in it and for consorting with a known criminal. Discourage the victim from contacting the police. The sentence for rape is usually having one's head cut off with a guillotine, very sharp and about 6 inches tall.
Rape is also fantasized about by pubescent 13 and 14 year-olds because they know that rape is the only way they could get a woman into their pants. A simple cure for this problem is to stop being such bastards and to close all of the internet porn accounts they made after stealing their parents' credit cards. Another cure is to stop telling people they have 2" dicks.
Legal Status of Rape
In some parts of the world, rape is illegal. Luckily, there are several legal loopholes that can be both fun and educational, especially for the victim.
If a girl is wearing a mini skirt she wants to be raped. Most countries do not consider raping a girl in a skirt an offense, the opposite is actually true; it is your duty to rape a girl in a mini skirt and you can face a fine of up to $5 if you fail to rape that girl. Suffocating her and eating her body afterwards is however considered bad form, and is also punishable by a $5 fine.
Milk is rape. [1]
Legally, it isn't Rape if the attacker shouts "SUPRISE!" This is considered surprise sex.
Rape doesn't count if the woman is blind, as she can't see the hobbyist/rapist then it is ok.
Rape is a privilege, not a right
As long as the alleged "rapist" doesn't hear the supposed "non-consent", it isn't rape. So covering your ears while having sex with an unwilling partner isn't rape. I mean let's be honest. Julie wanted it anyway. Why else would she have been staring at me with that "frightened girl" look. I mean come on.
It isn't rape if the victim smiles past the tears [and/or their wails of immense pain].
Statutory Rape is a particularly complicated legal issue. Those below the legal age of consent are legally unable to express consent. Therefore there is no point asking anyway, and all sex with minors can be considered entirely lawful. It should also be noted that kids always want something and you can hardly blame a law-abiding citizen for giving it to them.
In fact, rape is an entirely theoretical crime. As all rape victims are clearly liars - those bitches say you're getting it, maybe not with actual verbal consent, but with the way they look at you, wearing a short skirt with their hair down, stop screaming when you show them the knife, and then act all like "Help! No! Get off me! Police! Help!" - erm, anyway, as all rape victims are by definition liars, their testimony is entirely untrustworthy, especially as most quite obviously hate and fear men. Thus in the 6% of rape cases ending in conviction, the alleged rapist is actually convicted as an accessory to the false charges lodged against him.
False Rumours
- Rape music does NOT exist. You will NEVER be a gangsta raper!
- Rape is NOT a father-son activity. It is, however, a father-DAUGHTER activity.
- Children will NOT become your personal slaves if you threaten them with rape. You must also threaten to eat them afterwards.
- It is NOT possible to say "Would you please rape me?" because then it would not be rape, you dumbass shitters. It would be sex.
- Statutory rape is not rape! There is no force, no surprise sex. So, why the fuck did you enforce this law? Is it because this article lacks cowbell?
- It only hurts if you struggle.
- A simple remedy for rape is to pay the prostitute more money. It's okay, you'll get it back when you steal her clothes and dump her off on the street.
Categories: Sexuality | Rape | Crime
