Raptors
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“Raptors? Oh, I love Rap. ”
~ Oscar Wilde, completely missing the point on Raptors
“In Soviet Russia... Raptors will still kill you. ”
~ Russian Reversal, exception
“Raptors? They've been dead for... oh! ahhhh! ”
~ Non-believer, on being killed by raptor
A Raptor is a big fucking turkey considered by many humans to be a superior life form. Lately, many scientists have been doing much scientific research and have gone sleepless nights in attempts to discover the cause and lifespan of a Raptor. Over the many years of research that has been done, the following has been confirmed as correct by the government:
- Raptors exist.
- They breathe air.
- They exist.
- Their purpose is to kill robots.
- Raptors accelerate at 4 m/s^2, to their top speed of 25 m/s and they do not know fear.
- Can beat the NES Metroid title in under nine seconds.
In a recent Gallup poll, 90.2% of humans "can't stop thinking about raptors". These dinosaurs are confirmed by scientists to be "totally sweet."
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[edit] Facts
- Kyle wishes he were a Raptor cause it be fuckin sweetness. For reals.
- Raptors are indeed reptiles. The idea that they are actually omnipotent forms of modern printers is a common misconception.
- Raptors are classified as Raptorus Mangericus Robotodoticus, meaning Robot Eating Reptile in latin.
- Raptors fight robots on a daily basis. It is part of their exclusive food chain. Raptors are at the top, and Robots at the bottom.
- The purpose of the raptor is to flip out and eat robots. This has been proved by scientific research, tests and drunk scientists guessing at their purpose.
- Recent Studies show that the Raptors Awesomeness factor (determined by multiplying their coolness factor by how many robots they destroy daily)is 47% higher than the hygiene factor of most humans who drive pickup trucks.
- Studies show that they are very intelligent. The average Raptor's IQ is shown to be over 90% higher than most cows, frogs, sheep, frogs, Helen Twelvetrees, George W. Bushes, George Costanza, George Steinbrenner, frogs and over 60 % higher than most gorillas and the letter Q
- However, most raptors are actually accomplished rappers, giving actual meaning to their names. Their top 1.5 songs are "i am going to eat all humans" and "Godzilla sucked balls, and if i was the one who did that, all of those new yorkers would be food for me and my homies."
- It has been confirmed that after the events of WW2, some raptors immigrated to USA and made love with turbocharged automobiles. After many unsuccessful pregnancies, these raptors (because of the excessive amounts of greenhouse gases in their bodily orifices) transformed into fighter aircrafts.
- Raptors can, and will, pick the locks of your doors.
- They are immune to fire
[edit] Information about Raptors
Raptors are proven to be able to eat any robot that comes within 90 yards of them. Raptors bite off robot heads daily in a ritual that requires large amounts of salt and trombones. These animals are so crazy that is better to avoid them, unless you are looking for them, in which case you would be better off not avoiding them.
Raptors can commonly be found in there natural environment at the local bar. They are usually sitting near the window or in the middle of the room. If you order them a beer they may be nice to you, or they may bite your head off. Scientists are not sure what you do sometimes when you buy them a cold one that incurs their wrath; when asked about this phenomena an austere raptor, Peter J. Wittenburgh, replied "I assumed that was the entree that came with the beer."
According to the aforementioned Gallup poll, 102% of humans consider Raptors to be Superior life forms, but this is debated by many science club nerds across the country.
[edit] Surviving a Raptor Attack
You can run, but really you're only delaying the inevitable. According to reliable sources[1], a one good technique is to close doors behind you, as raptors are slowed by them. As is made evident by XKCD, a good understanding of math can be crucial in gaining a few extra seconds of life before the fearless turkey raptor devours you.
[edit] History
The oldest living instances of Raptors trace back to when they were the disciples of the Almighty Pizza Cutter in 749 AD. The Almighty Pizza Cutter used them against the robotic henchmen of the evil Spoon. However, when the Pizza Cutter refused to share his Divine Pizza with them, they rebelled and ate him.
Afterwards, The raptors, according to historic texts "Totally served, sukapunched, owned and annihilated the remaining robots in control of the Evil Spoon."
The raptors then set up a society know today as "Rome". This civalization lasted for a very long time and colonized nearly the whole world before it's downfall in 1453 AD. There downfall is in theory due to many civil wars inside the country, but most historians agree that is was because Mr.T pitied them so hard that the economy fell ( In a similar fashion to what he did to England.)
Afterwards the Raptors fled to Israel to escape religious prosecution from Robots that had been attempting to assassinate their various leaders since the beginning of time. The Robots where trying to push RoboChristianity on them (the belief of Robot Jesus) when they believe in Raptorism (the belief that Raptors would be accepted into heaven at the end of time.)
After being shielded by the Israeli republic, they settled there for a long time until a mass genocide began in 1938 knowns as the Holocaust (The Raptorcaust to them). They fled quickly and are believed to be the cause of the end of World War 2, after Nuking Germany so many times their grandmothers felt it.
Ever since the Raptors have been a global community sharing their religion and culture with others ( Namely, by biting peoples heads off). After aiding in the destruction of middle earth by joining the army of orcs, they became good friends with the orcs, not to be confused with the whales at SeaWorld. They also are close acquaintances with the Ninjas, whom they have been allies with ever since the war against the Evil spoon. To this day, they still crusade against all robots, due to their hard history with them. They do this especially on Saturdays.
[edit] What do Raptors do in their spare time?
When raptors aren't being incredible reptilian creatures, they have been observed to be doing the following:
- Smoking English pipes
- Meeting in small groups in dank basement coffee shops, making plans for the coming Raptor Apocalypse.
- Working odd jobs under the name Mr. Pinkerton
- Gamble
- Eating missionaries
- Listening to heavy metal
- They also fight Germans in their spare time.
Although their main enemies are the robots, they also dislike Hyenas and T-Rexes. They are good friends with orcs, ninjas, and rappers. Raptors are also fans of Sam Neill and Robert Peck, although some also admire Steve Irwin.
The largest problems modern raptors face is being endangered, but some scientists say this is incorrect, while others claim foolishly that Raptors are extinct.
That raptors believe scientists should re-direct their time to making huge inflatable bombs which would then be suspended from helicopters and used in the eternal fight against robots.
[edit] References
Categories: Cleanup | Monster | Dinosaurs | Birds
