Ray Charles
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Ray Charles was the last singer of the defunct style of music called "Jizz," a briefly lived mixture of jazz, ambient grindcore and industrial rock techno music. He is also known as the martian inventor of corn puppies, and unknowingly had a short television acting career in the late 1980's, portraying Geordie LaForge on the show Star Trek: The Next Generation; he was promptly replaced by LeVar Burton upon discovering his own involement in the show; "Space? You mean it? Outer space?!? Gawdayum it's dark..."
Ray was also considered for the role of Bill Cosby's brother Jerry Cosby on the Cosby Show, but was denied the role when producers thought his blind man impression was too good. We subsequently won a $3000 discrimination settlement against the Cosby estate. Fight the power Ray.
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[edit] Childhood
Ray Charles was actually born in Albany, Zimbabwe in 1630. HIs mother's name was Michael David Nelson and his father was coincidentally, also named Michael David Nelson. Early in his childhood, Ray found a magical pair of sunglasses that he immediately fell in love with. When he donned the sunglasses, his love for them bound them to his skull. As Ray grew older, he became fond of his eyeballs instead of the glasses, who became jealous and teased, taunted, and called his eyes fat until they ran away while Ray was sleeping. The next time they would see Ray would be at his funeral, where the two orbs gave moving speeches on the nature of love.
He started to go blind as a case of chronic masturbation. By the age of seven, he had gone totally blind. He moved to Florida to go to St. Augustine's School for the Deaf and Blind. He learned Braille and how to play a variety of intruments, including the piano. After his ninth year there his mother died (his father followed two years later) and he then decided to move to Seattle, Washington to pursue a promising career as a chocolate man.
[edit] Troubles with masturbation
Because of his blindness and his efficiency in creating Latin Merengue music, ray charles has a hard time locating his penis thus making it hard to have hand time with himself, at the age of 13 he wanted to make it easier for disabled kids to masturbate so he created the fleshlight. In 1964 Ray Charles created the Institution To Help Disabled Kids Masturbate Good (ITHDKMG)though the institution building burnt down when Stevie Wonder became jealous Plus Ray Charles doesn't have a penis.
[edit] What Really happened
This is a very roughly translated excerpt from the mystically elusive book "Ray Charles: This Ain't My Autobiography, Son". He had a developed a knack for writing in the third person as a hobby when he became blind, but had a terrible misspelling problem. Reasons for writing the book are unknown, some scholars argue that he wasn't actually blind, and that he wrote the story to validate his false blindness, which he learned to exploit for success. Others say he didn't actually write it, as evidenced by the obvious title, but 4 out of 5 of those scholars were blind themselves and never actually read the book. Others argue that it's just nonsensical nonsense that he put together over his various hallucinogenic highs.
Ray was born in Albany, New York in a failed partial-birth abortion to a teenaged mother and a father who was never identified. Instead of successfully snapping Ray's fragile fetus neck, the abortionist stabbed both of his eyes in order to suck out Charles's undeveloped brain. His mother wasn't happy about it, and put the toddler Charles up for adoption.
He grew up in Tom Hanks until the age of 18. While there he endured many insults for his condition, often being ridiculed with derogatory names such as "blindy," "baby ray blindy mcblind pants,", "whitey", and "fruity ass".
[edit] Career
Upon graduated at the top of his class at the Preperatory School for the Association of Exceptionally Black Young Blind Negro Association of the Colored People Association of America. (where, incidentally, he joined the infamously mysterious Spoon and Fork Club) he began his illustrious career in the music business. He began to fuse his people's music, jazz, with the music of industrial rock and roll. He enjoyed instant popularity as a pioneer of Jizz music. His concerts were legendary, attracting hard buns from across the globe to come witness his Jizz. His Jizz spread across the U.S. at an alarming speed, landing on the hearts of millions.
Ray Charles's Jizz is recognized mostly for its use in the women's rights movement and civil rights movement. Jizz was played at the million man march, loudly and proudly. Lobbyists for women's suffrage utilized jizz to entice and work up the crowds, as it was inspiring and effective.
[edit] Marriage
Ray Charles was wed to Hellen Keller in 1972. They gave birth to twins Carol and Caroline in 1975. This took a few tries, given their blindness. It also contributed greatly to the spread of Ray Charles's Jizz.
[edit] Popularity
Ray is among the few inspirations for black artists, especially on the internet. He was among the first black people to figure out exactly how to use a computer and afterwards the internet, despite the fact that he was blind. His support of free file sharing and distribution of music put him under undue scrutiny in 2001 when the RIAA interned him in one of their camps/prisons. He was convicted and executed of a crime never named, torturing his conscience for three years. In his final moments the RIAA stood coldly before him, a look on its face of emptiness and heartless contempt. "Like a bog!" he smasped, with his last breath, as the executioner's sword sunk deeply into his chest.
[edit] Blindness
A little known fact about Ray Charles is that he is actually blind. Many people find this endlessly hilarious, because he doesn't know he's black or that he has a penis.
[edit] Ray Charles: God?
A little known fact about Ray Charles is that he was actually the physical manifestation of God on Earth. This was proven, irrefutably, by a 12-year-old on the Internet in 1975, who concluded:
- Love is blind;
- God is Love;
- Ray Charles is blind;
- Therefore, Ray Charles is God
The horrible conclusion that one must make based on this is that, not only is Ray Charles God, but he is also love. This is wrong on so many levels.
The conclusion can also be made that, since Ray is blind, and justice is blind, that Ray Charles is Justice. See also: the Supremes Court.
Ray Charles emobodied the Universal Judicial System when playing comrade to Judo Dradgio, the original inspiration for Judge Dredd, in Babylon 513 B.C.
Also,
- Ray Charles Is god;
- Eric Clapton is god;
- "There are no gods but me" - God, aka Eric Clapton
- Therefore, Ray Charles is Eric Clapton in disguise.
[edit] Ray Charles: Fun Fact
- In Ray's hometown of Albany, GA they honor Ray on his birthday; by erecting a giant chocolate statue of him, downtown in front of the court house. All the children in town come out and lick Ol' Chocolate Ray until the sun goes down, or until he melts into a pile of brown goo, whichever comes first.
- The only reason he smiles so much is because there is a midget sucking his dick at all times.
- Founding member of the disables chapter of the Black Panthers. The Disabled Black Panthers.
- The swaying and bouncing on his piano stool is explained by the fact that there is a dildo attached to the seat.
[edit] See also
- Stevie Wonder
- how to be:blind
