Raymond Angel
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Fused together from discarded squirrel carcasses and assorted varieties of genetically enhanced beans, Raymond is neither a cyborg, mutant, or human. Raymond’s mystical powers of blinding were passed down to him from Medusa after he successfully defeated Ultra Jesus at the Battle of Troy. Brad Pitt himself congratulated Raymond on his acquisition - before being turned to stone and after he impregnated several gorilla hookers to preserve his bloodline. Dan Brown’s novel on the subject is forthcoming. Raymond is noted for using the nickname "Rockstar" despite not being either a rock, star, or rockstar. He is noted, however, for being ugly.
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[edit] Early Years
Raymond Angel spent his early years as Lewis and Clark. When Thomas Jefferson refused to pay Raymond for discovering the Pacific Ocean, Raymond founded the State of Indiana in retaliation, a move that forever marred Jefferson’s popularity, but forever secured Raymond a place in the hearts of enterprising freeway construction companies. Raymond served during the Civil War as a special emissary of the Dark Lord Sauron. After Sauron’s defeat by those medaling kids, Raymond spent the remainder of the decade persecuting small animals for his failures.
[edit] World Wars
Raymond’s involvement in World War I was directly responsible for the creation of Adolf Hitler. After being politely booted from the United Spades of Amerika sometime after he digested the Statue of GTA Liberty City, he emigrated to Europe where he was involved with various underground cannibal sects that sought to form a newer, better, and more cannibal-friendly political party. An unfortunate, what can only be described as, “anal encounter,” with Richard Simmons spawned a homophobic, anti-Semitic, blue-eyed bombshell of a love child that Richard Simmons birthed sometime after the 30th surrender of France, in March of whatever year that was.
Raymond, who was too drunk to remember that any of this happened, was infuriated upon hearing Hitler was his spawn. He swore to destroy Hitler, no matter the cost, as soon as he destroyed his tub of fried chicken. Raymond’s Jihad against Hitler was officially entered into law in 1941. Hitler was the last Jihad he could declare that year, having previously declared Jihads against proper hygiene, Al Gore, and radio waves.
The final showdown between Hitler and Raymond, which was used in the ending of Matrix Revolutions, was described by many as “disappointing.” Although he managed to destroy Hitler, thus saving the inhabitants of Magic Kingdom (EPCOT, unfortunately, did not survive) Raymond was still branded as a failure.
[edit] Microsoft
Raymond Angel was the first employee of Microsoft, a company which he founded in the 1960’s to sell pot to various groups involved with subverting “The Man.” The name Microsoft was created to project the image of a friendly, people-centric, ecco-friendly/dolphin-loving company and thus draw attention away from its actual activities. This scheme has been cited in 19 scientific studies which sought to prove Raymond ‘an idiot’. After being arrested for the assassination of JFK, Raymond handed control of Microsoft over to Steve Ballmer.
Steve Ballmer first threatened to Fucking Kill™ Raymond after Raymond refused to join Ballmer in snorting a line of crack off of dead puppies. Raymond did, however, participate in the ritual puppy sacrifices, which have become a cornerstone of Microsoft’s corporate culture along with taking candy away from children and beating old ladies with their own purses. Raymond left Microsoft in 1992 to acquire cancer. Steve Ballmer was too busy snorting crack to Fucking Kill™ Raymond.
[edit] World of Warcraft
Ray's involvement in the World of Warcraft is noted for being predicted when Spaghetti Jesus broke The Ninth Seal at the Fourteenth Supper and read aloud, "Woe is you, o Alexstrasza, for it is written: a dark anger shall riseth and consume the very earths into a cone of noobishness." It is largely speculated that Spaghetti Jesus was referring to the guild Exalted Rage which Ray would establish at some point in 2007 during his self-proclaimed: Stay-Home-And-Play-WoW Crusade. WoW addiction runs in Ray's family, and is notably present in his father, who quit his job in 2006 to play Warcraft fulltime.
[edit] Internet Radio and Present Day
After successfully beating colon cancer with various blunt objects, Raymond went on to work as an online on-air personality. Unfortunately, his first gig was with a Norwegian black-metal radio station that actively encouraged its listeners to “Get Loud, Get Mental, BURN DOWN THE CHURCH IN THE NAME OF SATAN!” Several beers and 13 declared and 11 undeclared Jihads later, Raymond fondled himself working for another radio station, and was promptly fired. Shortly thereafter, Raymond found himself working for a new online station, where he became manager. It was here that he plotted to use his mind-control device to take over the masses.
Unfortunately, Raymond didn’t know his target audience very well and he merely dominated a Star Wars convention in an incident that no amount of heroin has made Raymond forget.
[edit] Raymond vs. Oklahoma
In 2006, Raymond was walking across Oklahoma with his pet buffalo and several prostitues when he was assaulted by a police officer. The officer demanded to know what Raymond was doing in Oklahoma. When Raymond explained he was on his way to Texas, the officer grew increasingly irate. Frustrated and hungry, Raymond began digesting the officer in a manner not suitable for repeating. With the officer dead, Raymond, his buffalo, and the prostitues fled to Mexico, where they declared war on Oklahoma. Oklahoma, fearing for their eyes, surrendered and all citizens were deported to Europe. Raymond turned the state into his personal septic system, where today it is still filled with former contents of his ass.
[edit] E3 2006
Raymond's work with Internet Radio led him to E3 2006 where he was noted for being incredibly ugly, yet still attracting the attention of Paris Hilton who, apparently, was charmed by the odor. Fortunately, no video footage exists of this encounter.
[edit] Clear Channel
After losing his Internet radio job to a smarter and more STD-free automated DJ in early 2007, Ray swore an oath to do Satan's bidding, provided it would somehow get back at the Internet radio that had so wrongly hurt him. Satan answered, immediately dispatching agents from a nearby Clear Channel Broadcasting Corporation office to have Ray sign the standard soul relinquishment forms. Naked, drunk, and reeking of moose excretions, Ray readily offered his signature in exchanged for The Dark Ritual: Your Guide To Becoming A Clear Channel Employee. After successfully performing the ritual, Ray was given his own radio show in the Ft. Wayne market. Ray was terminated from Clear Channel in 2007 following the announcement that the only listener of Ray's radio show had recently passed away. Currently, Ray is still the property of Satan, which may cause some disputes with the United States government if the Republicans lose control of the executive branch in 2008.
[edit] Present Day
Currently, Raymond is the head of a shadow organization designed to infiltrate Canada and pave it over. While details are sketchy, it would appear that Raymond has once again teamed with one-time defeated ally Sauron, whose new title is Dark Lord Tim Horton.
[edit] External Links
- RayAngel.com - The official website of Raymond Anglel; launching soon.
- HooRAY - Artistic rendering of Ray's death.
- Ray's MySpace - Or at least some friend whore that looks like Ray.
- Ray's Station - The place where Ray spews his propaganda.
- Ray's Blog - Amassed Lust? What kind of blog title is that?
| Original Ninjastar I award this page a Ninjastar because it rocks. –Rockstar
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