Reading, Berkshire
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“The bastards threw me in jail here! Still, it is one of the nicer places in Reading.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Reading
Reading is a city town, in the 'Worsten' part of Berkshire. The local council
has applied numerous times for the town to become a city yet the town has been refused the title on account of it being "one of the worst imaginable places to live, I'd rather eat my nephews boiled face then spend a day there"[1] The name is misleading as not many of the population know how to read, and it is pronounced Redding as a trap used to identify American tourists (which are then, as per custom, thrown into the River Kennet).
Reading in fact derived from the town located just south of Oxford (which is credited with inventing english - see the Oxford English dictionary). The Oxford scholarly folk who were derived from germanic tribesfolk and thus spoke olde engish noted how the folk of that town "Reading" (which is further down the Thames, before you get to London) were particularly into looking at their manuscripts and understanding what was written. It is from this that the term of reading was arrived at. Quite ironic now, as 95% of people are either illiterate, chavs or Polish (Illiterate, Chav or Polish being a game which is claimed to be Reading's answer to Animal, Vegetable, Mineral). A popular past time in Reading is Rapesies, with over half of the population claiming to play often.
Reading is open on Tuesday and Thursdays, and costs £2.50 to get in, £8.00 for a family. Closed on Bank Holidays. By 2010 Reading hopes to be wheelchair accessible.
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[edit] Culture
Reading has lots of shops, due to the people's main vice of shopping. Particularly during the hours of 9-5 on weekdays, the shops of Reading are filled with people purchasing shoes and breakfast cereal. Weekends are spent complaining about unemployment and lack of money, most notably due to exorbitant spending in Primark then wandering into the riverside outside the Oracle shopping centre and drinking White Lightning/Star/Ace/Flash. This practice is good for the economy, however, and is thus permitted by big brother.
It is worth noting that Reading has an innumerable number of tourist attractions totalling one in number. Unfortunately the townsfolk of Reading forgot what it was, and much money has been invested in trying to get elderly people to remember it.
Reading is often renound for the '3 Bs' which are bastards, bullshit and Busta Rhymes. Though formally Reading has no formal affiliation with Busta Rhymes, the council believes that the number of ghettoes, drive by's and standard shootings in Reading warrant a link to a figure-head in gangster rap. The remaining two Bs are commonplace in the city town and can be seen on a daily basis nearly everywhere
[edit] Education
Reading is home to various academic institutions, most notably Uncle Tony's Drive-By School which teaches keen students every year the importance of drive-by shootings in Reading. The city town is also home to the University of Reading - a body responsible for teaching a plethora of subjects including 'How to Shit in a Pint Glass and Present it to a Bartender' (or Agriculture). The University boasts the highest number of road safety signs and paraphernalia stolen by students each year causing a steady and promising amount of fatal road accidents.
[edit] Work
Many large organisations, particularly within the financial, communications and technology sectors have large offices based in Reading, employees of such organisations can be seen in Starbucks, Pret, Coffee Republic, Costa and Coffee Nerd by day. By early evening all such employees (without exception) dart across the city town to the central train station to make a hasty retreat from the cess pit, much in the style of Indiana Jones. On occasions where this is not possible they take residence in sophisticated wine bars, where they drink muscadet and listen to a healthy mix of Lady In Red and Sade until transport services are reinstated.
If anyone is ever stupid enough to make their way out of the centre of town, they would find a large warehouse and distribution centre. Many delivery companies are located in Reading, as it boasts great transport connections to the rest of the south of England, owing to the fact that the river runs in both directions.
It is now illegal for anyone to buy anything in Reading, though they are still legally allowed to sell it.
[edit] Demographics
Population: 1,701,000
Male: 42%
Female: 31%
Non-gender definable largely (chavs): 18%
Lesser life-forms: 6%
Undecided: 2%
The remaining 1% exist purely as a figment of the imaginations of the council workers.
[edit] Transport
One of the biggest highlights of a trip to Reading is taking the train home, although this is less pleasing when you discover the train is bound for Basingrad, Slough, Bracknell or Swindon, yet definitely worth the lengthy delay caused by Worst Late Western, the local train operator and potato vendor. The central station in Reading is used by many people attempting to escape the city town.
Since the 1870s, the railway has been used to transport air to Reading so the local inhabitants can breath. Today over 150,000 metric tonnes of air are delivered to Reading every month, however due to delays by Worst Late Western, many locals have been deprived of oxygen and have suffered moderate to severe brain damage as a result.
Reading Buses run on a mixture of petrol and ethanol - a popular beverage amongst Reading locals
[edit] Festivals
Every so often, about annually actually, some folks who pretend they're famous crash the town and sell tickets at an extortionate price to uninformed people who attend and wait for their ears to bleed. This one weekend of the year is the only time pikeys make up a minority of the population in Reading. This is commonly known as the Reading Festival, not to be confused with Reading Classes (see Reading (Skill)). The festival holds a second purpose of clearing out large Chav infestations away from the town, as well as providing a few days of the year when the town is not quite as breathtakingly tedious as normal.
The music festival, the GO ON, DRINK LOTS OF CARLING, CARLING, CARLING THIS WEEKEND!!! (Reading Festival) to give it its official name (not to be confused with the Rock Reading Festival, which is where tourists pass through the town throwing stones at yellow coloured objects), began in 1997 when a goat was elected into office. Through a series of legal complications nobody understands, the town has been forced to hold the festival on the bank holiday weekend of each August. This law even overrides Readings "closed on Bank Holidays" status, forcing the townsfolk of Reading to work that bank holiday, whether they wish to or not. Luckily, there's nothing for the denizens of Reading to do on a bank holiday anyway, so most oblige willingly.
Another music festival, the WOMAD festival occurs in late July. The festival's occurrence is still a surprise to many residents in Reading who, after years of ignoring it, find that it has not gone away.
There is also an annual 'Real Ale & Cider' event where the entire city town trample onto a field with pitchforks and drink until the town, and it's women, appears pleasant. Allegations that the 'real ale' is in fact fermented cat's piss have been denied, the owners stating that "[they] were not able to source that level of quality"[2]
[edit] Reading FC
Reading has a football club which through paying off other teams has now made it to the UK's Premier League; this was funded by the town council to make the townfolk feel less inadequate, as well as Auto Trade/Reading FC fuhrer John "Mad John McMad" Madejski, who feels the need to name everything in Reading after himself.
Located nearby is large wind turbine electricity generator which produces enough electricity to power the whole of Reading, until John Madjeski turns on his hairdryer.
[edit] West Reading
On of the 'areas' of Reading is known as "West Reading", it has a dedicated train station all of its very own although it is not understood why.
West Reading is so called due to it's similarities with the region formerly known as West Germany, a great wall may once have stood between West Reading and Reading, nobody knows though because if it did the bricks would have been stolen and thrown through some windows a long time ago. Archaelogical remains determine that Tilehurst builders were contracted to build the wall, however these builders only succeeded in generating several inaccurate estimates and burning a local school to the ground.
[edit] References
[1] Lord Halifaxwell, Hewes and Spenceston, Dicumpton Didacts Vol 3-4
[2] Montgomery's Reading Round-up, Vol 16, Ed 2
[edit] See Also
- Reading FC
- Ricky Gervais - Reading's most famous paedophile
