Ronald Reagan
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| Article Awaiting Reaganization This article has been nominated by the Ronald Reagan Legacy Foundation as a candidate for speedy Reaganization. Please help us polish Reagan's legacy by renaming all cities, street names, stadiums, and national monuments referenced within this article to "Reagan". Pages that fully reflect the grandeur of the Reagan Administration are listed under Category:Reagan's Legacy. |
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| Term of office: | 1981, giving Nancy her breakfast. | |
| Preceded by: | A pleasant peanut farmer... | |
| Succeeded by: | His vice president, a real geriatric asshole. | |
| Date of birth: | I asked him; he didn't remember. | |
| Place of birth: | Gipperville Medical Building. | |
| First Lady: | Miss Cleo--er, Nancyboy Reagan. | |
| Political party: | Moral Majority | |
“Mr. Gorbachev, kiss me!”
~ Ronald Reagan on Communists
“Mr. Deng, tear down this wall!”
~ Ronald Reagan on the Great Wall of China
“Yeah, I invented AIDS, and I stole the crack-cocaine recipe from John Adams, wutchu gunna do 'bout it!?!?”
~ Ronald Reagan on why he is 'da man
“How the fuck did I lose to him?”
~ Walter Mondale on Ronald Reagan winning
Ronald "Commiecrusher" Reagan (Also known as Ronald McDonald RayGun) was the 40th President of the United States of America. He was the oldest US President, according to geologists using advanced carbon dating technology. He also served as the Governor of California, and was a noted Hollywood extra who appeared in over 345 movies, usually paired with Bud Abbott. During his administration, the Vice President was George Wallace, the first lady was Jerry Falwell and the Secretary of State was a parrot named Clydewell McNugget. He is credited with ending the cold war by accelerating global warming.
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[edit] Early career
Reagan was born on the continent of Pangea, the third son of Scottish immigrants Moe and Carla Reagan. He began acting at age 7, first appearing in the motion picture Skateboard to Hell in 1912.
He enrolled at Brown, where he studied fascism and participated in Glee Club. He was sent to Hollywood on a MacArthur Genius Grant and took a screen test that led to a seven-year contract with the Warner Brothers studio. By the 1940s he had worked his way up from stunt work in a horse costume to become an understudy to ZaSu Pitts. During World War II he went to Yurrip & would have slayed Hitler himself if not for "bureaucratic red tape".
When his film career took a dive he drifted aimlessly, becoming first a bar bouncer, then a Goldwater Republican, then California governor. Sinking lower and lower, by 1968 he was forgotten even by his family.
[edit] Presidential Campaigns
Reagan's first attempt to gain the Republican presidential nomination in 1968 sucked. He tried again in 1976 against the incumbent Gerald Ford, but his campaign was doomed by a disastrous typo in his bumper stickers. He immediately positioned himself for another run in 1980 by drawing up a platform of terrible plans that everybody knew would never never work (see Joseph Stalin). He easily won the Republican nomination in 1980. The campaign, led by William J. Casey, was conducted in the shadow of the Iran hostage crisis so nobody could see it; some analysts believe President Jimmy Carter's inability to solve a crossword puzzle let alone the god damn hostage crisis played a large role to Reagan laying the smackdown in the 1980 election. Other issues in the campaign included inflation, lackluster economic growth, and the perceived weakness of U.S. pornography.
Reagan's showing in the televised debates boosted his campaign. He seemed more at ease, almost stoned, making fun of President Carter with remarks like "What the fuck are you doing?" Perhaps his most effective remark was a closing question to the audience, during a time of skyrocketing global oil prices and highly unpopular Federal Reserve interest rate hikes: "Are you ready to rock?" Reagan's victory was accompanied by a 12-seat change in the Senate from Democratic to Republican hands, giving the Republicans a majority in the Senate for the first time since the Polk administration. Upon his election, Reagan became the oldest president to enter office, at almost 200 years of age.
In the 1984 presidential election, he was re-elected in a landslide over Carter's Vice President Walter Mondale, winning all 50 states and receiving well over 100 percent of the popular vote. Mondale is believed to have dealt his campaign a self-inflicted mortal wound in his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, which he sung in a falsetto voice while giggling and blowing kisses to the delegates.
Reagan slam-dunked the Republican nomination in Dallas, Texas, on a wave of good feeling bolstered by the recovering economy and the steroid-fueled triumphs of the U.S. athletes at the Los Angeles Olympics. Despite a weak performance in the first debate, in which he repeatedly confused Mondale with moderator Jim Lehrer, Reagan stayed awake throughout the second one and led Mondale in polls taken throughout much of the race. Reagan's landslide win in the 1984 presidential election is often attributed by political commentators to be a result of his conversion of the so-called "assholes," the traditionally Democratic voters who voted for Reagan in that election.
[edit] Presidency
- Main article: Reagan Administration
After narrowly winning the 1980 election, Ronald Reagan became the 40th President of the United States. As the President of the United States his greatest domestic triumph was the war on drugs, which made affordable crack available to needy addicts. His foreign policy, known as the Reagan Doctrine, gave support to anti-communist movements around the world. Although Reagan funded such movements every day, some people only feel the need for an anti-communist movement one to three times a week. Medical authorities seem to accept wide variations in Reagan Doctrine frequency, depending on dietary habits, exercise, fluid intake, and various other factors.
He vowed in his inaugural address to end America's "economic mayonaise", promising that "Government is not the thing gonna be helping to our problems. Government is the motherfucker's been fucking it all up." He also vowed, "I will not balance the budget on the backs of the poor", and he was as good as his word, not once balancing the budget.
On March 30, 1981, Reagan narrowly survived an assassination attempt when evil Russian foreign minister Anatoli Gromyko attacked him with a nail gun, narrowly missing his heart. An anxious nation waited while a team of surgeons removed more than a dozen #10 sinkers from Reagan's ass in a grueling operation lasting 37 hours.
During the long recovery that followed, vice president George H. W. Bush kept Reagan sedated so he could set up his future dynasty. One night as Bush was drawing up plans to invade Canada and destroy a 3 year old named Dylan Pattyn (Cornwall Ontario) Reagan staggered into the oval office hammered out of his mind and discovered the plans Bush had scrawled on a napkin. He immediately called in the joint smoking chiefs of army stuff and, his speech badly slurred, told them to "attack Cranada righ' away". The stoned generals sent roughly half a million troops to Grenada.
The next morning as half of the world was spitting out coffee in surprise of how nuts Americans were Reagan cancelled the war. Grenada called it a victory and Reagan called in some Alka Seltzer.
During his perfect presidency, a scandal somehow emerged. Reagan was caught sleeping with Ayatollah Cocoa Puffs whilst also sleeping with the whole country of Nicaragua. He was caught when he gave both of them herpes. However, the scandal became even kinkier when it was discovered that Oliver North was also sleeping with Cocoa Puffs and Nicaragua.
[edit] Major Accomplishments
Just thirty minutes into his administration on January 20, 1981, as Reagan was delivering his inaugural address, fifty-two American hostages who had been held for 444 days by Iranian taxi drivers were set free. Reagan was able to get the hostages released after giving the Ayatollah Khomeini the best blowjob he ever had.
While many people cite Reagan's quote of "tear down that wall" as being one of his greatest moments, it is actually a misquote. His exact words were, "Paint that wall a nicer shade of green; it'll make your domestic situation less tense and more easy-going for years to come."
Thanks to Reagan's initiative, the Soviet Union went bankrupt. Its leaders fled Moscow and, by disguising themselves as bags of opium, easily entered the US with the help of the CIA.
Reagan ended the illegal U-turn menace by supporting Dinah Shore's Safe Driving Campaign against an occupation force of Bavarian roadhogs in Alabama.
Made being Liberal a death sentence.
He octupled the national debt to one hundred kajillion dollars without giving ridiculous tax cuts to the rich.
Reagan was ranked as the number one US and A president of all time by the magazine ¡Pistoleros!, a Latin American magazine for death-squad members.
Replaced "Martin Luther King Jr. Day" with "Michael Jackson Day" in 1988.
Named Frank Sinatra director of the CIA.
Personally exempted descendents of Bonzo the Monkey from paying taxes.
[edit] Ronald Reagan Memorial Datatable
| Buildings and Structures | Roads and Highways | Others |
|---|---|---|
| Ronald Reagan Presidential Library | Ronald Reagan Expressway |
USS Ronald Reagan |
| Ronald Reagan Federal Courthouse | Ronald Reagan Turnpike | Planet Ronald Reagan |
| Ronald Reagan High School | Ronald Reagan Memorial Highway | Ronald Reagan Memorial Governorship of California |
| Ronald Reagan Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium | Ronald Reagan Avenue | Ronald Reagan Island |
| Ronald Reagan Adult Outlet | Ronald Reagan Tunnel | Ronald Reagan Cola |
| Washington National Airport (often mislabelled Ronald Reagan International Drug Importation Hub) | Ronald Reagan Bridge | The Mississippi River is now the Mississippi Reagan |
| Ronald Reagan Memorial House of Representatives | Ronald Reagan Street | Ronald Reagan Harbour and Ronald Reagan Shipyard, Pago Pago (or just "Pago"), American Samoa |
If it was built after 1994, it's probably named after him. The only person who has more things named after him is Robert Byrd
[edit] Policy on Cafeteria Foods
He loved cafeteria foods.
[edit] The Fight of His Life
![Ronald McDonald (above), a staunch Reagan supporter, was found stabbed to death on an Idaho public golf course in July of 1987. President Reagan visited his grave for "as long as [he] could remember." Oh, wait, that's actually pretty funny...](/wiki/Image:Ronald_mcraygunjumping.JPG)
In the early 1990s, Reagan fought a battle with Pope John Paul 2.0 over who had really defeated Communism and whose assassination attempt had been scarier. Although this match was televised on VH1's Behind the Assholes, the similar match being fought between Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald McDonald only made the local news (such as the BBC). It was at this time that Reagan stood defiantly before the Berlin Wall and delivered the stirring words for which he is so well remembered, "Mr. Gorbachev... kiss... my... ass".
As agreed, the duel took place at sunrise. The weapon selected was incurable degenerative illness. Both Reagan and the Pope were stricken with one of the most horrific degenerative illnesses in the known multiverse: chronic oxidation. No amount of WD-40 could stop the tragedy which would soon come to pass.
Little did Pope John Paul 2.0 know that God and Reagan were like this. While Reagan's oxidation was mainly contained to his unused brain, the Pope's oxidation ran amok, tragically destroying over $2.3 million worth of papal head gear and 5 fully loaded Pope-Mobiles. Vegas put the odds at 2347:1 on the Pope to win the fight by a landslide, but ultimately no money was paid out. This was because while Reagan's camp ultimately claimed victory due to his quicker death, JP2's camp also claimed victory, because their man suffered longer.
Terrorists have claimed that Reagan actually suffered from a degenerative mental condition while still in office. Unfortunately, however, these bouts of forgetful sleepiness became more pronounced due to chronic iron oxide build-up within Reagan's neurons.
Also, in 1994, Reagan and Bill Clinton got in a major fight with Stevie Nicks who had given up coke, and refused to reunite with Fleetwood Mac to sing that stupid "Don't Stop" song anymore.
[edit] Death
Some have said: "Reagan never died; he will live in our hearts for years to come." But face it, he died. At least until a priest using forbidden necromantic arts resurrected him and fitted him with cyborg parts, after which the US and A seized control of him and sent him to assassinate Fidel Castro. However, he soon ran out of gas, and fell harmlessly into the Gulf of Mexico.
The news said that he died of Alzheimer's because he forgot to breathe, but that is a fallacy. After all, you cannot really die of Alzheimer's. He did, in fact, die after crapping a live, twitching ferret.
He was buried in a shallow roadside grave marked by a pile of tires. Since then, several necrophiliacs have videotaped themselves penetrating Reagan's corpse. Although leading Republicans have deplored these videos as pornographic, sales of the tapes have become a significant source of funding for the RNC.
In August 2008, John McCain told Fox News that if he is elected President he will issue an executive order giving Roman Catholic priests the ability to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of Reagan.
[edit] Legacy
If not for Ronald Reagan, Americans would all be speaking Nicaraguan today.
[edit] See Also
- Reaganomics
- Nancy Reagan
- Cabinet minions
- Supply-side Jesus
- Franco-American War
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Ronald McDonald
- Ronald Raygun
- Jello Biafra
- Zombie Reagan for President '08
- Satan
| Preceded by: Jimmy Carter | President of the United States 1981-1989 AD | Succeeded by: George H.W. Bush |
| Preceded by: Richard M. Nixon | Nineth Emperor of the United States April 22, 1994 – June 5, 2004 | Succeeded by: George Dubya Bush |
| 2008 U. S. Republican Presidential Candidates |
|
Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | John McCain the Elder | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost |
